In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! We’re due at the team complex in 20 minutes!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’!

What’s goin’ on? What’s the scoopty poop?

Marvin: We have get over to the team complex right now. I want you running routes with Carson early and often.

Ocho: Okay, Coach. Okay. But before we do all that, there’s something I want to show you. I think I may have solved a lot of our problems, Coach. No lie.

Marvin: How’s that?

Ocho: Okay. So listen, I’ve been thinking about our QB situation. You know how Carson’s always hurt and shit? I think I found a solution. Peep this.

Marvin: Peep what? That’s a fish.

Ocho: Wrong. This is OUR NEW STARTING QUARTERBACK.

Marvin: …

Ocho: Listen, I picked up little Ray Lewis Jr. here yesterday. And I’ve been studying him, you know? I’ve been scouting him and shit. And lemme tell you, THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS POISE. Look at him! He doesn’t even blink!

Marvin: That’s because he has no eyelids.

Ocho: Even better! I mean, nothing gets to this guy. I tried to rattle him. I broke your dishes in front of him. I pooped in the tank. I showed him a fish sticks box. I even yelled at him. I said HEY FISH, I’MMA STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND LET HER LIVE IN MY SANDCASTLE, BITCH! And he just kept on keepin’ on. THAT’S A QUARTERBACK. It’s like he’s cold blooded!

Marvin: He IS cold blooded. All fish are cold blooded.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now you’re telling me all fish are superpowered sea monsters with cold blood and no eyelids? MAYBE AT SEA WORLD.

Marvin: No, it’s true. All fish are like that.

Ocho: But you don’t KNOW that. You’ve never met all the fish out there. There’s gotta be hundreds of them!

Marvin: Look, Chad. I could argue with you about this all day. But it doesn’t matter, because that’s a fish, and FISH CAN’T PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL.

Ocho: Well, how do you know that? You ever watch a fish try and play football?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Then how do you know they can’t play?

Marvin: Well Chad, it could be because fish have no fucking arms or legs.

Ocho: Yeah, but they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve seen videos about revolution.

Marvin: E-volution.

Ocho: I’m sorry. I don’t know who Eve O’Lushion is. I’m talking about REVOLUTION, when the fucking fish crawled out of the ocean and became men.

Marvin: What’s your point?

Ocho: How do you know that little Ray Lewis Jr. here couldn’t crawl out of his little baggie, grow some arms and legs, and start winning us some damn games?

Marvin: Because evolution is a process that takes years and years, Chad.

Ocho: So what you’re saying is that you aren’t patient enough to develop him.

Marvin: No. I don’t mean it takes three years. I mean it takes MILLIONS OF FUCKING YEARS. Okay? That’s how long evolution takes. It doesn’t happen after two years of fucking tutoring.

Ocho: Oh, please. How could it take millions of years? Look at you. Look at me. We’re here. Right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. We evolved. How long did it take us to evolve? Couldn’t have been more than a day or two.

Marvin: No, I mean that we AS A FUCKING SPECIES took millions of years to evolve. Do you understand? We evolved as a collective group of animals. Evolution isn’t about one individual mutating from a fish into a man.

Ocho: I don’t know about that. I remember swimming a lot when I was young. How do you know I wasn’t a fish?

Marvin: Because you weren’t.

Ocho: But I could have been. I COULD HAVE BEEN A FISH CHILD.

Marvin: No. You were a fucking person.

Ocho: Look, coach. All I’m saying is that if fish had arms and legs and torsos and heads, then they could easily play quarterback, AND DO IT WELL.

Marvin: If a fish had legs and arms and a torso and a head, it wouldn’t be a fish.

Ocho: Yes it would.

Marvin: No it wouldn’t. It would be a man.

Ocho: It would be a man fish! A man fish could play quarterback. I’m certain of it. And I think that’s something we need to consider. We should sign more men fish. And I know exactly how to attract them to Cincy. We let them ride for an hour… ON CAR BOAT.

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

They could bring their fish children.

Marvin: Okay. Again, there are no men fish. THEY DON’T FUCKING EXIST. And even if fish had arms and legs, they’d still have NO FUCKING BRAIN. They don’t know how to speak, or talk, or process information. They can’t even fucking breathe fucking air.

Ocho: They can’t?

Marvin: No. They can only breathe through the water.

Ocho: Breathe through the water? OKAY, NOW YOU CRAZY FOR REAL. No one can breathe through the water.

Marvin: Yes, they can. Look at the gills. It breathes through the gills.

Ocho: The gills? Oh, you mean the water pussy?

Marvin: That’s not a water pussy.

Ocho: Looks like a water pussy to me. I saw a Japanese movie once where some little rice dude fucked a fish right in the water pussy.

Marvin: Those are the gills. They serve no reproductive purpose.

Ocho: How do you know? I’ve never seen YOU score any hot water pussy.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OUT THE DOOR SO WE CAN HAVE A REAL TRAINING SESSION THAT ACTUALLY IMPROVES THIS TEAM, AND YOU’RE SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING FISH. FISH CAN’T PLAY FOOTBALL, YOU STUPID FUCK. THEY CAN’T GROW ARMS, OR LEGS, AND YOU FUCKING WEREN’T A FISH WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER. YOU WERE THE SAME BREATHTAKING FUCKHEAD YOU ARE NOW. YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. A FUCKING WATER PUSSY? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

Ocho: What if the fish played defense? I bet Ray Lewis could show Ray Lewis Jr. a solid swim move.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.