Nasty Fetish Tournament Opening Round — Orson Swindle Regional No. 7 vs. No. 10
In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.
7. Barely Legal
Literal Meaning: “A term used in pornography advertising to describe models who have only recently reached the legal age to appear in pornography.”
What The Intarwebs Say: HOTT!
Notable Advocates: Dave Eggers, Cory Doctorow, Paul Byrd
10. Chikan
Literal Meaning: “The Japanese term used to refer to frotteurism, , or men who commit such acts (the term for women who commit such acts is chijo). Crowded trains are the most common target of chikan and chijo, and as part of the effort to combat the problem, some railway companies designate women-only passenger cars during rush hours.”
What The Intarwebs Say: “You gotta be pretty to draw the chikan.”
Notable Advocates: Shigeru Miyamoto, Mickey Tettleton, Harold Reynolds
Tags: Nasty Fetish Final Four
March 18th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Any chance we can get an explanation of chikan in English? One that doesn’t use other words I don’t know to explain this word I don’t know?
Because there’s no fucking way I’m Googling a damn thing in this tourney.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
@Otto
I think it has something to do with cheese.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Just when i thought that show Lazy Town couldn’t get any creepier you post this picture.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
‘frottage’ does sound ominous. maybe i should just leave you in suspense…
personally I think the fauxa paedophilia is nastier
but if you’ve got short eyes, at least you know porn checks ID before filming
March 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Thanks for defining one unintellegible word with another. Why couldn’t you just say groping in the first place?
Who wouldn’t wan to fuck fresh 18 year olds? Or, grope a hot chick for that matter.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I thought I’d go on reading this site forever and never see the name Dave Eggers. Bra-vo, Ape.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
‘groping’ doesn’t really fit the bill
March 18th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
This is safe for work and informative:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/its_not_easy_being_a_frotteur
March 18th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Just when i thought that show Lazy Town couldn’t get any creepier you post this picture.
It seriously is the creepiest fucking thing, right? It comes on after a show my daughter likes, and I can’t get to the goddamn remote fast enough.
She’s probably too young to be disturbed by it, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to give me night terrors. It reminds me of those nightmare fuel Duracell ads.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Is that the “It’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake” girl? Great. I’ll be hearing that song in my nightmares tonight.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Nice work, Gooch. Feel free to knock off work early and ride the 1-9 line for a while.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
In common speech frotteurism is called groping. Right from wikopedia. Of course, one such as yourself would never be called common.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Believe it or not, Otto, inconspicuous genital friction is not all fun and games.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Frottage is not groping in the pure sense, it is rubbing against another (could or could not be consentual). Groping would the advanced state of this-incidental contact is more the focus here. For sexual gratification
March 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@Otto, even creepier than Yo Gabba Gabba. btw, I hate you for posting that Duracell commercial.
/actually likes Yo Gabba Gabba
March 18th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
LNR usu. use dictionary to define words, not wiki
March 18th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Just when i thought that show Lazy Town couldn’t get any creepier you post this picture.
That show is really creepy, but Yo Gabba Gabba takes the cake (fart) for creepiest and weirdest show on the planet. Don’t know how innocent minds can still watch that stuff.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Groping, rubbing, whatever. When I’m on the subway, I treat it like a soccer match — as little use of the hands as possible.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Yo Gabba Gabba gives me fuckn nightmares
if the Chinese ever need to torture me all they need to do is loop Yo Gabba Gabba and Wow-Wow Wubbzy and my ass will tell them whatever they need to know
March 18th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
“Don’t know how innocent minds can still watch that stuff.”
Once you see that fuck in his yellow hat, all innocence is lost.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
That show is really creepy, but Yo Gabba Gabba takes the cake (fart) for creepiest and weirdest show on the planet.
I’ve got to disagree with you there. Any kids show that works in Biz Markie is fine with me.
Sure, it looks like it was designed by someone who was on the fourth day of an ecstasy-and-ether binge, but when you compare it to 95% of the other shit being pushed on parents, it’s miles and miles out front.
/kidtvflawa!
March 18th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Listen as far as fucked up goes SpongeBob is about as fucked as you can get.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Barely Legal Notable Advocates: Everyone
March 18th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Otto you might be right but I’ve been smashing a chick whose kid is an insomniac and those are her favorite shows.
so when I hear wow-wow wubbzy I’m not getting any ass or any sleep
March 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
My condolences, John. Those of us with kids aren’t getting any ass or any sleep anyways, so shows like that are a good thing.
When in doubt, just try Nature’s Pacifier — bourbon. Not for the kid, for you.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Watching Yo Gabba Gabba while stoned is a transformative experience.
So I’ve heard.
I don’t really understand the whole “barely legal” appeal. I know there’s some evolutionary thing whereby men lust after younger women because they subconsciously perceive them as more fertile or some crap, but I still don’t quite get it. When I was 18, despite the fact that I knowingly and willfully pranced around in revealing outfits, the cold hard truth was that I would have sex in exactly two positions and refused to give blowjobs. With a few precocious exceptions, that’s pretty much the norm at that age.
Hot? I guess?
March 18th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
“Those of us with kids aren’t getting any ass or any sleep anyways, so shows like that are a good thing.”
Otto is once again correct, let this be a warning to you single guys.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
futuremrs. pretty much hit the nail on the head for me
by now I’m working with a 23 year-old minimum. out of college or old enough to have equivalent experience
and those shows might be cool on shrooms, but i think after smoking they would just make me nervous as hell. shit, they do anyhow
Otto, sorry man.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
As long as we’re debating which kids show is the creepiest, let’s lay down the gold standard here — the acid-trip abortion known as Lidsville.
That’s right. The host was Charles Nelson Reilly. In green devil’s makeup. Surrounded by talking giant hats.
Sweet dreams, people.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Fuck, I failed at embedding the video. The opening credits are here.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I’ll vote for the strange foreign-sounding one over the one that’s labeled on half the porn I watch :)
March 18th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Eh, I got over barely legal when I turned 18.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@Otto, that’s kicking it creepy old school.
I’ll also add H.R. Pufnstuf and The Bugaloos to that list. Damn you Sid and Marty Krofft.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
“Yo Gabba Gabba” isn’t so bad, but I want dig out Calliou’s eyeball with a rusty shrimp fork and skull-fuck that whiny little shit. Also, the sloth on “Big, Big World” is a complete stoner.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Don’t forget this Mr. Show take on those early 70’s creepy shows.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHqcNj0Pv6c&feature=PlayList&p=AB663B715E4C36DE&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=4
March 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
“Fuck, I failed at embedding the video.”
dude the description did the trick
just the words “charles nelson reily” is enough to put me off my food
March 18th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
What about that one with the koalas who lived in the girl’s eucalyptus tree outside her window? I can’t remember the name, but there was some sort of apocalyptic alternate universe in Australia if I remember correctly.
Also, the list of creepy kids shows is long and illustrious. Pretty much all of them are frightening on some level, but ones that had a hand in scarring me were:
David the Gnome
Thundercats
Gumby
The Joy of Painting
March 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@fmra- never understood that myself. Give me a woman with the experience to know what she wants, versus the nervous “I don’t do that” girl.
Also, hands down creepiest show is Max and Ruby. Where are the parents? Why isn’t grandma living with them? And Ruby is a total bitch to poor Max.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Yeah, FMRA, I don’t understand why these guys would want an 18 year old with boobs that stand up by themselves and asses that have no sag, trim waistlines, enthusiasm, vibrancy, perfect skin and toned muscles all over there sweaty, naked bodies just waiting for an older man to lead them through the intracacies of all the pleasures of lovemaking. Really, I have no idea.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Well, in terms of porn, the girls usually aren’t anywhere close to 18, so it just means you’re just looking at someone who isn’t a completely filthy old hag. Completely filthy? Yes. Old hag? No. Give it about 6 months.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Well done, UU. I totally forgot about that.
Sadly, it’s not much of a spoof, given how drugged out the original one was. That spoof is about 80% faithful to the target. Even the title “Lidsville” was a shoutout to a lid, then the base unit for buying weed.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Also, “to shake one’s booty” meant “to wiggle one’s behind.” Allow me to demonstrate.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I’ve heard about this grab culture. The only time I was in Tokyo I remember seeing a pink subway car, and someone told me that one was strictly for the ladies. Still doin it for ladies in Japan, folks.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@ Gooch
David the Gnome put me into a bad acid trip once. I have never recovered.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Also, I feel that the Care Bears qualify as fucking creepy. Seriously, what the fuck?
March 18th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I don’t really understand the whole “barely legal” appeal.
Because the older a woman gets, the more her body begins to fall apart?
*ducks*
March 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
@ LaFavre: +1
March 18th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
the 23 year-olds I know still have the perky tits and slim waists, but they can also hold their liquor and know how to keep their damn teeth out of the way.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Otto:
I commiserate with you on the married guy with child and no action thingy. And, sadly, my 4 y/o loves all of these shows. Personally, LazyTown is the creepiest.
I can explain away Sponge Bob, and at least Yo Gabba Gabba can have Biz, Layla Ali, Elijah Wood, etc. But LazyTown? Creepy as shit
March 18th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I will always and forever vote for Barely Legal, in any category, with regards to anything. I don’t care. I see those words and I must click on whatever button exists next to it.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
LaFavre : Another +1. Well said.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
@ John:
I’ll give you that. Not to mention that conversations are less one-sided and devoid of “umms” and giggling.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
my favorites are the thirtysomethings that have bodies like twenty year-olds
but, you know, the face of a grown woman
March 18th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Max Hardcore instantly ruined any chance at enjoying Barely Legal porn.
And for the record, Yo Gabba Gabba is the shit.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
2257 USC is the best phrase evah!
March 18th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Not that it matters ’round here…but the girl from LazyTown doesn’t turn 18 until May…so it’s actually “Still Illegal”…
March 18th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I don’t think Barely Legal is creepy, as long as it’s keeping to girls who, are in fact, of age and maybe just happen to look younger.
Chikan on the other hand is creepy. I mean, if I’m on the bus and you reach for my ass, it’s weird but flattering. You try and rub yourself on me? Yeah…. no thanks.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I googled it, Otto. It’s just grabbing and fondling those around you in crowded spaces. Leave it to the Japos to take credit for something I mastered in 7th grade.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I’ll support Barely Legal until the Sweet 16. After that, I tend to lose interest.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Where I live, “barely legal” in Michigan is 16.
FYI, the age of consent in the Vatican City is a whopping 12!
\Difficult to avoid obvious priest joke
March 19th, 2009 at 12:40 am
seriously, someone voted for barely legal? did they miss the part where they are LEGAL?
March 19th, 2009 at 2:09 am
Some things never change, huh Future Mrs?
March 19th, 2009 at 6:30 am
The fucking doodlebops scare the shit out of me.
\DVRs doodlebops
March 19th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Lazy Town is without a doubt some weird shit. Current faves are Wow Wow, Fenius and Ferb (spelling), and the occasional splash of Sponge Bob.
/kids used to be Dora and Blue’s Clue’s addicts
//glad they are growing up and moving on
///fuck the suite life of Zach and Cody
March 19th, 2009 at 8:02 am
p.s. Doodlebops – WTF?
March 19th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Lazytown is weird as hell but seriously fuck Franklin. He’s is a whiny little bitch.
I can’t wait to see the Yo Gabba Gabba with Jack Black.
/Wishes Steve came back and killed Joe
March 19th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Lets be real. Where is the thrill with a “barely legal” girl. There is none!
But the thrill of trying to rub your member up against a japanese girls leg on a crowded street/train without getting busted.
Now thats a rush.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
shit happens by accident, I’ll admit I enjoy it (frottage not paedophilia)
can’t see doing it on purpose. basically ruins all chance of actually getting in their pants
unless
when you get that furtive glance
the silent consent
mutual frottage
oh my
March 19th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
the best way to watch kidss shows: fucked up on cough medicine and some xanax, you will see shit you never thought possible.
that said, being barely legal myself, chikan is all sorts of fucked up.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
@ marmatard: What are these “conversations” of which you speak?