KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag: Discount Virginity, Altruistic Fornication, and Drew Barrymore
Welcome to your weekly Thursday afternoon treat. In this edition of the fantasy/sex mailbag, we once again DON’T discuss anal. I hope we’re all over that phase. This week we’ve got a couple questions from female readers, a compelling inquiry on threesomes, the standard complaints from Bears fans, a trainwreck of distrust and betrayal, and an actual virgin (so “she” claims). Let’s do this.
Dear KSK-bags
Football: If the Sex Cannon landed in Minnesota would that be Drew’s worst nightmare or a strange, poetic irony? [Note: this question was sent in before the Vikes landed Rosenfels]
Sex: I am seeking suggestions for avoiding the friend zone! Situation is Facebook oriented as I had recently added a gal whom I really, really liked in HS. We had not been in close touch since and now, some 18 years later, she pops up and is like, “Hey I am single, want to hang out?” I am single and do want to hang out. SO, we start the annoying phone-tag, message, text game people now have to play just to fucking communicate a little. And after a few conversations it is made clear that YES, she is single, but no she is “too messed up to date right now until she has a better idea of who she is” I have no problem with those thoughts and ideas and want to respect her space but is there a way I can play supportive friend while keeping my number front and center for when the fuck gates re-open? Or is it already too late and I am sitting in the waiting room of Friend Zone central? Furthermore, what is it about girls and this friend shit…it always makes me want to fuck them more!?!?! GAWD DAMMIT!
Some guy
Good Lord, man. You failed Peter King’s First Grade Introduction to Reading Signs 101. She couldn’t be more obvious if she had flashing runway lights going up her thighs. For anyone else out there who is new to this planet: “too messed up to date” is code for “I’m just looking to sleep around for a while.” Now go out there and have meaningless sex!
As for the Vikes, I think they’ve got their hands full with mediocre quarterbacks. Unless Brad Childress is getting quarterback-collection pointers from Jon Gruden — and I hope he is.
Dear KSK,
I went on a date with a friend of a friend who I was aware was interested in me, but had never really given much thought to. He’s plenty interesting, cute enough, very sweet and what have you, and although he didn’t initially spark my interest, I figured he deserved a shot.
A few drinks into the night, this young man begins to make it clear that he — to put it mildly — is COMPLETELY FUCKING OBSESSED WITH ME. Like, runs through a litany of my photos on Facebook and tells me what he likes about the way I look in each one. Recollects nearly word-for-word entire conversations we had the night he met me. Comes up behind me and starts STROKING MY HAIR while I’m at the bar waiting for my drink. As the night progresses and he gets drunker (so do I, but who’s counting?), he starts grilling me about my relationship history. Asks how many other guys I’m dating. Wants to know what I’m looking for in a relationship (this is all said, by the way, while stroking my face). I’m drunk and completely unsure how to react, since I genuinely don’t want to hurt his feelings. At one point, he whispers to me, I shit you not: “I want to fall asleep inside you.” ON A FUCKING FIRST DATE.
There are lots of lessons to be had at this point, I’m sure (e.g. don’t shoot tequila on a first date). Here’s where I made what I think, in retrospect, was a terrible decision, but I’m unsure. Realizing how crazy this guy was about me
– and how could he NOT be, given your succinct, humble way of speaking? –
while also deciding, at that moment, that I never wanted to go on a date with him again, I decided to toss him a mercy fuck. I figured it’d probably be the greatest night of his life, I’d get my goodies played around with a bit, and we’d both be happy in the morning. So, you know, I did.
I’ve subsequently had to go to great lengths to make him understand that I’m not interested in him. So here’s my question. Was it cruel, or ultimately kind of me to give this guy a chance to bone me when he obviously really dug me? I feel like I may have led him on in the short term, but he may be grateful down the stretch. Should I just have walked away? Or is a “mercy fuck” a genuine act of altruism?
In matters of the heart (and groin), I’ve found that life is best expressed by this simple mathematical truth: having sex > not having sex. But don’t go patting yourself on the back about it. Jumping on a grenade to save your fellow soldiers is altruistic. You just fucked a guy you didn’t like.
Oh, and is Ryan Torain worth hanging onto in exchange for an 11th-round pick in my keepers’ league?
Hard to say, what with Mike Shanahan’s Running Back Industrial Complex on the outs. The Broncos signed Correll Buckhalter and J.J. Arrington, so I’d be inclined to take my chances with someone who has a higher ceiling.
KSK Sex Gods,
I’m a 19 year old girl.
Go on.
And I’m a virgin.
/breathes into paper bag
And pretty sick of it. Problem is, I’m picky (which I know I shouldn’t really be considering my position). I’ve been given chances, but either I realized I would have regretted screwing the guy regardless of my “situation”, or it was looking perfect and something got in the way/I fucked it up all on my own. Some of my friends say Craigslist, but I’d rather not go missing and end up in a ditch in Tijuana, and I’m not into this guy (since he’s also a virgin) who’s pretty close to a sure thing. I have one guy who I give blow jobs on occasion, but he wants it when he wants it and is never very receptive to my booty calls (he used to be, but those were times when things like roommates got in the way). I guess my question is this: should I get trashed and screw whoever happens to proposition first, make things go faster with the blow job recipient, or just be patient, keep strumming the banjo, and try not to kill myself imagining becoming Steve Carell in the 40 Year Old Virgin?
As for football, I don’t have a question for that. I mean, I’m a 19 year old girl.
- Hoping (but doubting) my question will be null by the time it gets read
So, a 19-year-old female virgin with no interest in football not only follows an often-misogynistic NFL blog, but asks it for advice? Yeah, this is real.
However, since you brought it up, I’ve made this handy graph to demonstrate the perceived worth of a woman’s virginity:
At the top of the parabola there is Prom Night, Junior Year. By the time you get to college (or the working world if you’re keeping it real), your virginity begins losing its appeal — both for male suitors (who begin to develop a taste for women with experience) and for you (”So WHY, exactly, am I still waiting?”).
So yes, Mythical 19-Year-Old Virgin, you are on the downslope of that parabola. But there’s no need to rush. Find someone you like and tell him you’d like to have sex. I doubt you’ll get turned down. Unless you have a harelip and club foot. In which case: ew.
Alright let’s start with the important stuff. I know my girlfriend (of 3+ years) cheated on me. How do I know this? Rumors? Found a used condom inside her vagina? If only it were that simple. I know because i read her e-mail. It’s not like I hacked into it or anything, she just left herself logged in and I helped myself to a peek. Inside, there was an exchange with a girlfriend of hers about it. Now how do I approach this situation? Obviously this relationship is over, as we are both dishonest assholes. But how do I break it off? I don’t want her to know how I found out about her cheating, because I’d like to make her feel like shit for doing it. And if she knows I went all PATRIOT Act on her e-mail, I lose the upper hand. Remember this was a serious relationship, so I can’t just avoid her like I would a clingy one night stand. Also, is it illegal to send a mass e-mail with the naked pictures she gave me? Because that would be some sweet revenge.
Football: How great is it going to be when Dan Snyder has to sell off FedEx Field’s tiny parking lot in order to finance the Haynesworth deal? Skins fans are so fucking miserable.
Yours in the prayer cross,
BMcM
Jesus. You people DO realize this is for entertainment, right? Like, if your life is totally fucked up, you should probably ask a REAL advice columnist or something. But whatever, I’ll take a swing at this.
You, sir, have what the experts call “an extremely fucked-up relationship.” If one of my friends told me that he was in this situation, I would say, “You’re fucked” and buy him another drink. However, since I’m not your friend, and I have no intention of buying you a drink, all I can say is that trying to “win” a break-up is a pointless exercise. Break-ups are shit for everyone involved, period. You can try to duck the issue of checking her email, but it’s eventually going to come out, so you may as well be up front about it. If she gets pissy about it, you can tell her that if she can be calm about the email thing, you’ll try not to call her a whore for sleeping with someone else. If you need to feel some sort of moral superiority, get it from the fact that at least you were honest with her about the violation of trust that you made. And for God’s sake, keep the naked pictures buried (unless, you know, you want the KSK staff to review them). Karma is real, and it’s a motherfucker.
Phew. As for your football question: very great, and yes they are.
Dear KSK,
I used to have such good taste in celebrities I would jerk off to (Halle Berry, 18 year old Britney Spears, etc…) but over the last two months my cock brain will not let me jerk it to anybody but Drew Barrymore. I can’t even go near the shampoo/toiletries aisles for fear of seeing her on a rouge covergirl box and having to jerk it in the store. The fuck is wrong with me?
Ah, you fucking pervert!
Oh, you meant this:
There’s nothing wrong with jerking it to celebrities — in fact, any adult male who ISN’T using Internet porn to masturbate is that much further away from a crippling addiction. Just try not to do it at CVS, okay? You’ll scare the children I’m trying to pick up.
My football question is less disturbing. If your favorite team’s top three receivers going into the season were Devin Hester, Rashied Davis and Earl Bennett and the GM consistently keeps talking about how he doesn’t want to bring in anybody else, how would you best rid your body of your eyes to avoid having to see that piece of shit offense?
Melon ballers are effective and inexpensive, so that may be the quickest route. However, if you can handle the experience, you can probably make a couple bucks off it by offering up a skull-fucking on Craigslist.
Dear KSK,
AK in Fort Collins
Hey, the Broncos already have Brandon Stokley! Don’t hog all the white wideouts! (Whiteouts?) Other fan bases need to buy jerseys they can identify with, too, y’know.
As for your penis, the best way to brag about your dick is not by length or girth, but by feat. “I don’t know how long it is, but when I’m flaccid I use it as a belt.” “I broke a piece of granite with it once.” Et cetera. If you need a more specific answer, I’ve always heard that six inches erect is the median. But you should ask the broad who’s offering mercy fucks. She can give you a better answer. Plus, she’ll sleep with you, assuming you can sit through her monologues about how great she is.
Gentlemen with Tendencies Towards Penile Literary Devices,
I guess I’ll kick things off with the football question. It’s actually a three part question all having to do with next year’s fantasy draft. 1) Which rookies will even be worth drafting? 2) Which perennial studs are due for a shitacular year? 3) Which players, mired in the throes of mediocrity, are due for break-out years?
(1) Wait until after the draft. (2) That would be Mr. LaDainian Tomlinson. Other guesses from across the Gay Mafia included Brian Westbrook, Brandon Jacobs, Purple Jesus (that’s Drew hedging his bets), and T.J. Houshmandzadeh (Nooooo!). (3) Your breakout stud guesses: Derrick Ward, Braylon Edwards, Matt Schaub.
Now on to my sex question. It is really more of a theoretical question and again has multiple parts, yet I feel it deserves attention all the same. Let’s say you are dating a girl, and said gf has an incredibly attractive friend who you’ve had your eye on for some time. Let’s say the friend in question is at least a 9 and you’ve had enough interaction with her to make an educated guess that she would be an absolute beastette in the sack, and you also know that she would have no problem getting down with the gf because of their established friendship. If you are looking to broaden the bedroom horizons by asking the gf to add this friend into the mix, is it ok to agree to a threesome with another dude (no gay shit, no crossing of swords, just a straight up double team) if that’s the only way the gf will agree to dive on her friend’s muff? If so, how do you go about picking the guy for the eiffel tower? Do you pick one of your boys or do you let the gf have complete control over it? If you are going to pick one of your boys do you go with a casual friend or a close friend?
Salutations,
Bix Weedmann
Journalistic integrity requires that I mention Mr. Weedman sent along photo evidence of the “incredibly attractive” friend (sorry, he denied us the right to run it), and let’s just say that this is a threesome worth pursuing. But at what cost? It seems your girlfriend didn’t get the memo about the Great Threesome Double Standard (AKA “One Dude Is Plenty”).
Personally, I don’t know. I’m not enough of a libertine to go for the guy-guy-girl threesome — What if I liked it? I might be gay! Shit! — so it comes down to what you’re comfortable with, and what limits you’re willing to push so you can get it on with a hot piece while your girlfriend watches. Nothing comes for free. Get it? “COMES”????
Whatever. This mailbag is over.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Drew Barrymore = mine. Back off.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
To the mercy fuck girl: Where do you live and do you like ball gags?
March 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
If a girl is “too messed up to date right now until she has a better idea of who she is”, that generally means she is too messed up to date right now WITH YOU.
That does NOT mean she won’t fuck you though.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Man, there are some FUCKED up people who write to KSK.
/rubs one out to Barrymore’s playboy spead
March 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Hold on hold on hold on – a guy she gives blow jobs to on occasion, but he is never very receptive to her booty calls? We got a red flag here.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
To the guy who’s getting cheated on: You tell your girlfriend that you know she cheated. When she asks how you know you pretend like you can’t tell her who told you but after much begging you let her know that you ran into her friend (the one she was e-mailing) and that her friend outright told you. The friend will deny it, but you counter that with “how else would I know?” Your relationship’s over, but perhaps you can end her relationship with her friend too.
Even better, tell her that her friend wanted to sleep with you and that’s why you didn’t originally believe that she’d cheated on you.
March 5th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
“Whatever. This mailbag is over.”
/Cutler’d?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Mercy Fuck chick- You’re not fooling anyone. You love the attention, and while you claim he creeps you out, you slept with him because you knew it would ensure further attention. Simple as that.
“Virgin”- Jesus H. First of all, you booty call a guy to give HIM blow jobs? Um, okay. Second, get it out of your head that losing it is anything special or magical or a memory to be cherished. It’s gonna suck so just get it over with.
Proper penis size to lie about guy- Maybe I’m in the minority here, but if a guy mentions his penis size AT ALL, I automatically assume he’s lying. Let her find out firsthand, and if it’s not up to par, she probably won’t sleep with you again. Which will also likely be the case if she finds out you were lying about it.
Christ. I think I’m too cranky for the mailbag today……
March 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
To the girl who did the mercy bang of the creepy guy… you are an idiot. What could possibly go wrong with having sex with someone who is obsessed with you? Besides, you know, making him think he’s got a chance with you? Be warned, you’ve created a monster.
Unless you’re both on the same page about expectations – no mercy sex!!!
March 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@Daddymag: yeah, that dude’s gay.
and to the guy getting cheated on: now’s the time to go for the anal. Guilt opens the brown door.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@Vanilla: that’s so many delicious flavors of evil that Satan might not even want you in hell. But I’m sure as hell consulting you should a similar situation arise in my life.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
To email hacker guy:
If you’re too chicken shit to own up to reading her email, I would suggest using whatever info you can out of there to come up with a convincing alternate story. Someone you know saw them together, or you heard from so and so. If she suspects anything shady on your part, deny, deny, deny. There’s no proof. And if the resulting fight gets too heated, you’ll just come out with the truth anyway, and feel great shoving in her face. Then you get to call her a whore. There’s no winner in a breakup, but I still always try.
And I’ve always been a big Drew Barrymore guy myself, but how in the fuck did she marry Tom Green? Wasn’t she off drugs by then?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@Mercy fuck girl – why the heck would you mercy fuck a guy that is psycho obsessed with you? All you’ve done now is give him the glimmer of hope that he craves that he has a real chance with you.
Dick size guy – Anyone who talks about how big they are or makes fun of other people’s penis sizes most likely have a small dick themselves and are just trying to make themselves feel better.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
i usually find that self-deprecating humor about size is more effective than bragging, and when you finally take it out they won’t be disappointed at just seeing an average sized one
March 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Some guy: I think you are in the friend zone already. I can’t explain why; this is just female intuition. Sorry, buddy.
“I want to fall asleep inside you” lady: Where do you find these guys, Katni?
19-year-old girl virgin: Take it from one of your elders: Unless you’re one of those tedious “I WANT IT TO BE SPECIALLLLLLL” chicks, losing your virginity is really not a big deal. Really. I would advise you not to find someone on Craigslist, though–that’s an professional-level maneuver, and right now you’re just a talented amateur.
BMcM: Take the high road and break up with her. I don’t think you have to say you saw in her emails that she cheated on you (and I feel for you, that’s a sucky thing to find out about your girlfriend) but use that “I think we’ve grown apart” line.
Bix Weedmann: Can I get a definition of “crossing swords”? Because I think my interpretation of that phrase isn’t how you guys interpret it.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
To the mercy fuck girl – come to Atlanta and I will bang you and tell all my friends how hot you are and how great you are in the sack. Won’t that be awesome for you?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
@BMcM: you can always try trapping her with the old standby:
CUCKOLD (this would be you): I want to break up.
CHEATING WHORE: What? Why?
CUCKOLD: Because you cheated on me.
CHEATING WHORE: No, I haven’t.
CUCKOLD: (calmly) Don’t try to deny it, I *know* you cheated on me.
CHEATING WHORE: How did you find out? Who told you?
CUCKOLD: You did. Just now.
Act sad, graciously accept her apology (if she offers one), grant her forgiveness (if she requests it) but tell her you can’t trust her anymore (which is the truth). Pull that whole parental “I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed in you” thing. That way she’ll feel guilty (for cheating on such a stand-up guy) *and* stupid (for falling for your clever ruse). It’s win-win.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
What are you talking about, Clare? I’m the virgin.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Vanilla,
are you my ex-wife’s lawyer?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
My penis is made of concrete cyanide.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Reading this stuff makes me even more appreciative of my boring married life.
Also, let those of us who hasn’t stroked a girl’s hair or told her “I want to fall asleep inside you” on the first cast the first stone.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
/First Stone
My penis is used to in the ANWR to reduce are foreign dependency on oil
March 5th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I can’t write
March 5th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
the first drew barrymore picture is way, way hotter than the second.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
HARF HARF! Your graph looks like a boobie.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@Zach
That’s one of the best ways to take the high road and still get validation. But if I had the ability I would follow Vanilla to all the way to hell. But most likely I’d just get drunk on Spirytus and see what happens…
March 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I’d like to volunteer to help out the 19 year old virgin. Oh, and great job with the responses this week.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
“I want to fall asleep inside you.” means “I want to wear pajamas made of your skin.” Run, girl.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
hmm…not much I can to say that…the how much is a threesome worth part is fucking intriguing as hell though. damn on one hand I would hate to be in that guy’s spot, but on the other hand….
/would it be fucked up if you chose your dad to be the 2nd dude?
/leaving now
March 5th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Dick size guy: aim for the completely opposite side of the spectrum inhabited by guys overcompensating by driving pickups with 4 foot rims and go out and buy a mini cooper. Nothing says big dick like a small car.
Weedman: you only want to throw in a close friend when you’re double teaming some random drunk chick you just picked up. Having him in on you and your girlfriend will eventually get weird for you. you don’t really want any guy she knows either, because then you’re wondering why the fuck she picked him and if she’s fucked the guy before or wants to, etc. Go craigslist and look for some dude not too much better looking than you. this is assuming the hot friend is that worth it.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I’m “the mercy fuck chick.” Thanks for the advice, Ufford.
Truthfully, I felt very guilty about having slept with him a couple of days later — I opted for sending him an email explaining that I occasionally get swept up in the moment (who among us doesn’t?) and that I didn’t think it would be fair of me to keep hanging out with him when I didn’t reciprocate his feelings. I’m still not convinced it was a good decision, although I agree that sex is a preferable option to no sex. Ack!
That I’m a prolix, egotistical bitch should not come as news to anyone.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
“Nothing comes for free. Get it? “COMES”????”
You stole my joke from last week you bastards!!!
March 5th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@UU – Reading this stuff makes me even LESS appreciative of my boring married life.
Booty call BJ’s, Oh how I miss the.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I have a problem with your chart of virginities worth. I think your line should not be a parabola, but more of a straight line drop. And it starts at Prom, Junior year. I have issues with the fact that viriginity has a value prior to 14. I mean, half these people are pedophiles anyways, but lets make this make sense. And is there anyway to make it decrease with age + weight. I mean, everyone knows a lot of girls put on that college weight right out of high school, so there’s that taking away value. Just saying is all.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@Clare: what the hell other interpretation of that is there? It means dicks touching.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@fmra, I’m thinking creepy first date guy already had wedding rings picked out for the two of you.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
FUBA stamp is long overdue for a comeback.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@ FMRA: Are you the chick in the Taco Bell commercial about the enchilada dinner thing? Did you meet his parents that same night?
/dAndy’d…..bitches
March 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Whether it’s your friend, one of her friends or a stranger, the most important thing when embarking on the MMF is this: Make sure your dick is bigger.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@fmra: Was he any good in bed? I guess not if you don’t want to keep his services on retainer.
@Ocho Cinco Fan Club: That’s what I thought, though I imagined you guys believed it encompassed “I won’t stick my dick where someone else’s has been” as well.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
@fmra – ballsy to reveal yourself. to actually answer your question though -
there’s nothing wrong with a mercy fuck on most occasions and a lot of guys will understand where they stand and that that’s all it is. i’ve been there, i was getting sex, i didn’t care that she wasn’t all that into me
but if you knew at that point that he was obsessed with you, you should’ve made it really, really clear that you weren’t into him. anything at all, even a kiss on a cheek, could have him believing that you like him. you of course took it a step farther and fucked him. Good use of “prolix” nonetheless.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
To the cheated on guy: Never, EVER, reveal you read her email. Like Vanilla suggested, play the situation properly. Hell, see if you can bring her friend, or any of her other attractive friends(if she has a sister, this is a bonus), into it as “your shoulder to cry on”. Try playing that angle and see if you can get her friend into bed. IF you can pull that off, you’re in a win-win situation.
FMRA: Again, let me ask: Where do you live and can I stalk you on a date?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@fmra: The fact that you explained it away in an email should (hopefully) by itself be enough. Nothing says “You’ve made me extremely uncomfortable” like a rejection you can fire off while in hiding.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Oh, I forgot. FMRA I think you are really awesome and was wondering if you like to meet up for drinks/tequila shots. You’re masshysteriasports site is an excellent read. You do such a great job articulating your thoughts into writing.
/I just can’t believe dude got laid after that falling asleep inside you bullshit. Dude must have been seriously drunk/high/pain pill mix’d
March 5th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Question: how many of you pervs have searched for “future mrs. rick ankiel” on facebook?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@Vanilla, Wow, awesome.
I’ll add, never, NEVER give up leverage. Use any tiny advantage you have to gain more leverage.
/wonders how he became so cynical
March 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I think dAndy and CVE just answered my question
March 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@Clare
I believe the “crossing swords” refers to any unwelcome, incidental penis-to-penis contact; not actually a true to form fencing beginning stance where the two gentlemen pretend their penises are swords prior to tag-teaming the girl.
Hope that helps.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
The virgin girl doesn’t want to sleep with the virgin guy because he’s a virgin? That’s virgin hypocrasy!
March 5th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
UU: Thanks for the suggestion… let the stalking begin.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I forgot about using facebook..damn.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
UU: i’m only into girls with low self-esteem. she’s not my type.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I have fmra’s email address.
The bidding starts at $75.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@Clare, starting the bid at $69 might be more appropriate
/see what I did there?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I’m fmra’s facebook friend and have her email addys. Bidding starts at $100.
/clare’d
March 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@ LWC: Those low self-esteem girls sure can cure a rainy day.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@UU: nice
March 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@Clare – people reading this blog don’t have $75
March 5th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Geez UU: That’s a little harsh mang. CVE is prob serious. Sorry I couldn’t parlay my obvious sarcasm into text.
/anyone know how to unsend a friend request on facebook?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
For FMRA’s addy: I bid $ 1469…..see what I did there?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Clare, it was OK. I just didn’t see how I could possibly keep that going when there was such a gap between his interest in me and my interest in him.
Don’t stalk me. I have fat thighs and a terrible temper. Plus, I’m a Patriots fan. You can do better.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@dAndy……I saved our IM messages about how we were going to parlay this into a threesome with FMRA..just so I am not the only one to go down in flames.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
The correct term is “man-man-lady” threesome. Don’t you fucks have HBO?
March 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@FMRA..fat thighs mean I can put flower between them and the sweat will produce pancake batter…yummm, pancakes.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Yeah, but $ 2469 would be funner.
March 5th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
well played CVE, well played
March 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
@ CVE: Make sure you save he part where I said “NO SWORD CROSSING”. I have a rep to uphold here…
March 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
@FMRA:
YOU SAID I WAS SPECIAL!
March 5th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
GOD DAMNIT FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! WORST TYPO EVAR!
…sure you save *THE* part …
March 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@dAndy: Actually, your saved text said you wanted to ENCOURAGE sword crossing…I have proof. Smalls don’t get down like that, know what I mean.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Fuck you very much for stealing my revenue stream, Rocco!
March 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@fmra: I give you credit for actually being up front with the guy about what you feel rather than leading him on. I think most girls are too weak to step up in that situation (even with something that’s not face-to-face like an email) and would keep leading the guy on with mixed signals. At least you told him what he was really worth to you. After that, its all on him. If he keeps pursuing you because he’s convinced himself its meant to be, its his own fault if reality leaves him feeling let down. I’d be perfectly comfortable being nothing more than the drunken hook-up/occasional fuck buddy for a girl that I really liked so long as she made it clear that that’s all I could ever be and there was no reason for me to get my hopes up for anything more.
re: dick size – I always like to tell the ladies I’m packing a size 13 down below. Then when it gets to go-time and they look all disappointed, I just say I thought they used the metric system in this country. High-five!!!
March 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I though the correct term was BDD. bitch-dude-dude.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Best solution to a cheater is murder.
Unless you’re some pussy like Chris Brown. I could have shown him a thing or two about how to properly beat a woman.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
@ miamidiesel: way to take the high road in trying to get in FMRA’s pants. Now me and CVE look like total jackasses!
March 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
@Ocho: She might be thinking of crossing beams.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
@ Clare: I love your pink box.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@dAndy: Apparently, she likes the jackass-type so we’re still in the clear.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
@CVE, I definitely see what you did there.
My hat is off to you, + eleventy
March 5th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
wheew…close one.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Three important rules for breaking up
Don’t put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don’t make a big production
Don’t make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you’ve gone together for only a short time,
And haven’t been too serious,
There’s still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you’re honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he’ll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he’s a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends
/Nada Surf’d
March 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
By the way, am I alone in thinking trying to score sex through Facebook is asking for trouble? It’s like craigslist except you have mutual friends who could find out how terribly things went. And I don’t ever want to get an invite to the “—– cries post-coitus” group.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Katni is my dream girl. (Swoon)
March 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Great. I missed out on the mercy sex!
/Constanza’d
March 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@ UU: Nada can’t spell. WTF is braking the news. Do you start to say it and then stop right before you do? Or is it just doing it s l o w l y?
March 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
On the last issue (pursuing a Devil’s Threesome in order to get a good threesome). It’s only gay if the balls touch, or if the guys make eye contact in any move that is not the Eiffel Tower. Additionally, one guy to one orifice, obviously. None of this DV or DA bullshit. These are the rules to a Devil’s Threesome.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Don’t stalk me. I have fat thighs and a terrible temper.
Funny, those are just the types of girls I love to stalk!
@CVE: don’t make me smack you with my 13cm dick!
/does metric conversion
//looks down
///hangs head in shame
March 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
BMcM: If you know the firend that she was conversing with, contact her and say that your girlfriend has been “acting wierd lately” and ask if she has said anything to her. This will start a chain reaction that will either force your girlfriend to confess, lead the friend to give you a pity fuck, or both.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
@FMRA: You do realize that “fat thighs” just made every black dude on this board sit up and take notice, right? The bruthas, we like ‘em thick in the britches.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
To quote one of my favorite T-Shirts: It’s not gay if you beat them up afterwards.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Or another way of asking is what would you consider a below average, above average and enormous dick?
“I’m four inches, but for some women that’s just too thick.”
March 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
To the Cheated-On Guy BMcM:
Love’s a bitch and I feel for ya, brother. Just to add the advice already given, don’t tell her about your PATRIOT Act surveillence. You can finesse a confession out of her using all those manipulative feminine tricks she used on you over the 3+ years. And DO NOT post those naked pictures of her. Just make it known that the POSSIBILITY of posting naked pictures of her exists.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
BMcM, take it from someone who had a frighteningly similar situation in the last few months, you’ll be a million times happier regardless of how you end the relationship. According to this mailbag worst case scenario is you find a mercy fuck or jerk off to the Wedding Singer.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Mercy fucking is so much easier from a man’s perspective. Lady stalkers are much less likely to skin you with a cheese-grater and krazy-glue the shavings on their own flesh. There is the whole “chop your dick off while you sleep” thing though…
/Might prefer the grater.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
@otto man: +many
March 5th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
@samsquantch: I’m puppies and fucking sunshine, bitch!
March 5th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
+1 Otto.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
@Tracer Bullet: according to Stephen A. Smith, black people don’t play fantasy football and according to popular belief, they don’t need sex advice. If you take that into consideration, there shouldn’t be many black dudes on this board.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@Mark: No, it’s not. The only time it was actually necessary for two virgins to fuck the other was the First.* Thus, any young virgin who wants an experienced lay can have it, esp. if the young virgin is a female.
*I’m not religious but how does the Bible answer for that first family? Were brothers doing sisters? Parents-kids? So, we’re all hillbillies, huh? And when it came to the flood, I take it Noah’s kids rbought along fuck buddies or was the Ark’s home port also in the Appalachians?
March 5th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
What happened to the good old days when everyone was busy and could only fuck people they regularly interacted with like at the office or from church group? Anyone have an office fuck you’re still working with? Anyone fucked anyone AT the actual office? That’s a treat.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
@ KD: But the lady stalker’s are sneaky. You’re having a good time with her for a while, going out, having fun, getting laid… and then all of the sudden she says SOMETHING that suggests maybe you’re not just having some harmless fun. And being a guy, and not wanting to screw up a regular lay, you play it off, or say something nice back. Next thing you know she “just wants to cuddle tonight”, and she’s asking your opinion on which color sweater to buy her third cat. I’ve seen it a thousand times.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
@KD..I fucked a co-worker at Sam’s Club when I was 18. She was the office whore. It’s all about buying in bulk.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@ 85,
In the immortal words of Todd Haley, “You cheat on your wife? Why not, are you a fucking gash?” Although I hate cats, and can understand where you’re coming from there.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@ CVE
Very nice. A well-earned +1 to you. That said, where did you do it? Like in the back store room or in the upper floor office or something?
March 5th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
@lil’ wayne chrebet: We’re here to laugh at the white guys with short dicks.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@KD…..It was in the claims office while on the overnight shift. She also gave me head in between the beams of two aisles once. THAT was exciting.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@KD, put that thing away, you’re going to cross swords with the folks staring at Drew B.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
First time mailbagger here and what a way to start! where to begin? To mercy Fuck chick – In all of your most superior awesomeness you didn’t realize you got played. You probably have clap now and it burns so good (not that I would know, somebody told me). To the virgin or those that question the the virginity. she is giving blow jobs because the dude won’t sleep with her. Hey most guys I’ve ever met will let damn near anyone suck their stuff but hell if i’m sleeping with your ugly ass so you can run to the moutain tops to proclaim your first time and it be at tme expense. No thanks!
tripe play dude here is how you play that one. 2 dudes on 1 girl is fine but if you care about the girl then pick a stranger if you really don’t give a shit then pick one of your boys and have a good time. If i had pics I could give better advice!
March 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Good lord, I wonder what the mercy screw chick has got down below? Must be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
Who wants a smoked meat sandwich? Maybe some of yesterday’s lasagna?
March 5th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I once had sex with Drew’s Mom. Sloppy, real sloppy
March 5th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@ tracer: i see your blackness and raise you a dago.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
@samsquantch: +1 for the username.
Sincerely yours,
Steve French
March 5th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@ janikowski Drew Carey?? WTF dude?
March 5th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
How bad is it that while I was reading the mailbag, I was pretty sure that the mercy fuck chick was fmra?
That said, and this is good advice to all of you ladies: never, never, NEVER have sex with a guy who is giving off a stalker vibe. Even if he’s not a stalker, but is just giving off a stalker vibe, it’s just not a good risk to take. If you’ve ever picked up a stalker, you know what a major pain in the ass they are, and how difficult it is to make them finally go away.
/still would like to fall asleep inside fmra.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
All this talk about crossing swords and no one has addressed the equally traumatic touching of ball sacks while delivering the DP.
March 5th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
How many people think the Mercy Fuck person is a dude?
/Raises hand
March 5th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@ old gregg
never touch another dudes sac! Take turns getting serviced
March 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@ Hail2theChief: Shit, you don’t have to tell me, but who knows that exactly that dude’s chick wants.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I was going to hop on the “send the mercy fuck chick my way” bandwagon. But when I found out it was FMRA, I preemptively rescinded the offer. I’d rather fuck a pencil sharpener than a Pats fan.
/just kidding, i have no standards
//call me fmra
///my penis is a land baron
////plus i’m down with junk in the trunk, look at my sn
March 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
@ Sancho: See 85% of the comments. Obviously not.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@Katni-you’re only making me love you more (Flutter)
@Big Black Richard
Thanks for the +1,
JRoc and the Rocpile
March 5th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Mercy fuck, my ass. You just wanted to get laid.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
This is the funniest fucking sex/mailbag post I’ve ever read. Parabola…fucking classic! Keep up the good work sirs.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
this is a message board for the ages. My dick is so big it has a fifty yard line.
or…
My dick is so big it was overthrown in a military coup, and is now the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I would like to point out that if the gay mafia and patrons of this site put our heads together (the ones with eyes, nose, mouth, ears, not advocating crossing swords), we could fix the economy. But this is waaaay more fun.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
@ MO Charlo
FIX YO ECONOMY!
March 5th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
@ samsquantch, Big Black Richard
Next week Randy’s going to write about his problems with Mr. Lahey.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
also, @fmra. You didn’t want one stalker, now you have 100+ fat, hairy, sweaty stalkers masturbating furiously to your facebook page.
epic fail.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
To the dude trying to get the threesome, it’s simple. Step 1: AGREE to whatever she wants. Step 2: Bang her and her friend. Step 3: Just say “NO” when she tries to get you to fulfill your end of the deal. Or deny ever agreeing to it.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
@Mo Charlo: I am NOT hairy! How dare you.
FMRA = “Fearlessly Mercyfucks Random Assholes”. I say that with the utmost respect.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
On the three-way: if your girl is down with it, find a swingers’ club. They are reviewed on naughtynightlife.com. Find a couple you are both comfy with and be sure to tell them that you want somebody to take turns sitting out and watching the other three. If she enjoys that, try to make her hot friend the next adventure.
Warning: there could be lots more adventures down the road, and you may not be down with all of them.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Tell girls your wiener is 4 inches, they will no doubt laugh and insult you by telling you the heels on their shoes are longer than that. At which point you say “yeah, well some girls like it that thick.”
March 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Oops, dammit!
+1 Otto, you beat me to it.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
“Fat thighs and a terrible temper.” ounds like a party.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
“Fat thighs and a terrible temper.” sounds like a party.
Bullshit. It sounds like my wife.
/looks for Vanilla in attorney listings
March 5th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Damnit, everyone’s getting laid except me!
Oh wait, I’m getting laid too…. carry on
March 5th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
@FMRA: Wow. Stay safe. Just in case, please post something daily so we know you’re safe.
As for the penis size, if asked say nothing. Simply put your size 13 shoes up on the table and smile.
/actual shoe size.
For break up guy: If you really care about her, I don’t know what to tell you but it’s best to get out now before it gets uglier. If you are pissed off and ready to leave just give her a note/email that says “I found out”. Then leave. That should fuck with her guilt complex for a long time. Either way, sorry brother.
March 5th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
You might have your hymen intact but you’re no virgin, 19 year-old pole smoker.
March 5th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
RE this: “…and you also know that she would have no problem getting down with the gf because of their established friendship…”
See, I have a problem with trusting a guy’s perception of “would have no problem getting down with the gf.” Sounds more like wishful thinking to me. I’m not saying don’t go for it, just saying, don’t be surprised if it turns out you completely misinterpreted her “signals.”
And I don’t know if I believe the “virgin” story, either, although I’m not surprised to read:
1) that someone who has sucked a dick more than once still considers herself a virgin; if you’ve had a dick inside you, you’re not a virgin, not by most people’s understanding of that term, so you may as well give up the vagina as well; I seriously don’t get this “I’ve only sucked dicks, so I’m still a virgin” thing.
2) that someone would be stupid enough to orally service some guy without at least getting some intercourse out of it; what the fuck? If you’ve got a dick available, you may as well put it to good use (for you, I know the blowjob is just fine by him). Kids these days…
I agree with Zack’s advice to cheated-on guy. I also agree that there are no “winners” in a break-up, but there are degrees of losing.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Seriously? This shit just keeps getting better and better. Now you idiots are getting serious (?) queries from chicks, and also apparently from guys who have “problems” most men would trade a nut to confront. Did you ever imagine a football blog would become so all-encompassing?
And can I give a big “Fuck You” to those fellas out there who really need advice about potential threesomes? Seriously. Fuck you. Assholes.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
PS
@FMRA: I love you.
March 5th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
PPS: It was “prolix” that did it.
March 5th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
At least she didn’t mercy flush him.
March 5th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Hey i would be totally down with having a 3-some with another dude. I would In NO way touch the guy tho. But nothing would be more awesome than to run a train on a busto and proceed to leave hi-fiving our way out the door.
If you are really looking for fun, try pullin off an Abe Lincoln with a John Wilkes Booth finishing move.
March 5th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
here’s my take for anyone who cares:
Some guy, you my friend, are an idiot. A girl who is single and asks to hang out, but does not want a relationship equals meaningless sex. Now that you wiser, g’head and get your fuck on…
FMRA, be honest with him. Beating around the bush and being nice (along with the mercy fuck) gives him a glimmer of hope which you haven’t made clear does not exist. As someone suggested, see if you can get a fuck buddy out of it..
19yoVirgin, how does your pole smokng not escalate to sex? I am sorry to say..you might be the fat chick guys like to get head from..:/ (i hate being mean, but cannot make sense of this) OR.. lemme play devil’s advocate here.. he is gay and closes his eyes while picturing naked..*shrugs* – also, if you just want to get it overwith already.. find a friend you trust and who knows you’re a virgin (he’ll take it easy and you won’t be embarrased) and see if he’ll take the cherry..
AK in Fort Collins, Before my current 5+ year relationship, I used to joke about a 3 inch penis (DISCLAIMER* you might have to have a smooth talker kinda personality and some good looks to pull this off)..needless to say they were thoroughly impressed [two words - magnum condoms; but definitely a grower and a not a show-er]..also if you’re joking around with your friends..simply say “Over 7″ and your manhood has been substantiated as long as you don’t get blackmailed in to sending naked pics to a guy in your highschool posing as a girl (how many saw the MN news article?)
/why did you guys read all this?
March 5th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
For point of record, this article and the comments are why this is my favorite website ever.
March 5th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Great job on the mailbag this week, Ufford.
I hope everyone has taken note of what we often take for granted.
We have some of the greatest women on the planet who read this sight. I mean Future Mrs, Katni, Mamacita, Clare, Foxxy Brown and Slash? (Sorry if I forgot anyone)? I never had access to the sage advice these fine ladies bring to the table. I had to learn on my own, dammit.
With a little help from my gay dad.
/not joking about that.
I loves these ladies!
March 6th, 2009 at 12:40 am
So, I’m the 19 year old “virgin”. I know the term is loosely applied because I’m a “pole smoker” (touche) but I am telling the truth in that I haven’t had “real” sex, as pathetic as I realize. I do like football, but didn’t have a question about it.
I’m not fat, thank you es ay el from en jae.
To clarify: I don’t call him, he calls me. It’s usually an in-n-out kind of thing, so no time to escalate.
But I do appreciate the disbelief in my question being real.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:52 am
K, Carrie, if you’re not putting us all on and you’re actually telling the truth, stop driving over to your “friend’s” house to suck his dick. Also, dick sucking is just as “real” as intercourse, it just doesn’t involve pussy. If you don’t wanna fuck, why would you suck? I truly don’t understand. What are you savin’ it for? Is it a religion thing? Are you one of those odd “save it for the man I marry” types? Seriously, whassup with that? I’m not saying jump on every pole in sight, just sayin’, if you’ll put it in your mouth, why not the cooz?
March 6th, 2009 at 1:05 am
If she swallows, she’s not a virgin.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Carrie: I am really sorry that I didn’t include you on the honor roll. You obviously have a lot to give, advice-wise, I mean advise-wise. Thank you for your bravery.
Don’t just randomly fuck somebody. It will happen. Believe me, you are female and it will happen. You can choose the who. Don’t rush it!
If you really need a fix, I will gladly provide an email address and an all-expense paid trip to LA and VIP seating to the Viper Room. With dinner at Fatburger and everything!
Cuz I roll like dat.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Slash, I’m not saving it for anything. I just never had time for guys until recently, and now I do wanna fuck, just not any random guy (or a guy I wouldn’t suck).
Nice one, Mick.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:15 am
Aww, thanks yeah, right?.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:22 am
I always had a thing for you Slash. It may be a San Diego thing. Still dodging the homeless in City Heights?
I would kill a homeless person for a carne asada burrito and some rolled tacos from Robertos.
/ Will still probably kill a homeless person just because.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:30 am
I’m way late to the party, but whatever. I’ll just give my opinion on the last question :
You’re seeing a 9 and she has a hot friend. (so, I presume also a 9? Btw, why is every single guy who writes into this fucking mailbag always seeing 9s? None of you ever date a 6 or so? Either only the coolest motherfuckers on the planet read this blog – probably true – or you all have a very low grading scale – possible – or you’re all just lying fucking assholes. – definitely true. )
Anyways, both 9s like you, AND you’re pretty sure that they’d have a threesome with you. Then you wish to know if you should consent to a M, M, F threesome in exchange.
And you’re being serious?
Let me explain this to you. In exchange for a F, F, M threesome with two 9s, you should be willing to CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING LEGS.
So, yes, you should be okay with a M, M, F threesome.
Also, why is everyone so fucking hung up over an extra pole in the bedroom? Jesus, if you’re sandwiching her it’s not like the two of you are dreamily staring into each other’s eyes! One of you will be staring at her bouncing tits, the other will be staring at her wobbling ass.
The only thing is that if the guy who’s standing has big balls, they’ll plunk down on your ass from time to time. You know what? That actually fucking tickles.
Fakking quee-ahs.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:36 am
/would it be fucked up if you chose your dad to be the 2nd dude?
Oh, for fuck’s sake, dAndy! Jesus!
March 6th, 2009 at 1:55 am
K, Carrie, not to fixate, but I still don’t get “I just never had time for guys until recently” – unless you count the dick-sucking. If you don’t want to answer, cool, just seriously curious. I don’t understand how sucking a dick is less effort than intercourse. I get that it guarantees you won’t get pregnant (though it doesn’t eliminate the risk of VD), just don’t understand why someone would rather suck a dick than ride one.
I’m not alone here, right? Wouldn’t most chicks rather fuck than suck? Maybe I’m the weird one.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:57 am
@ Carrie,
Don’t get your virginity taken by a virgin. That just sucks. He’ll be freaking out that he’s actually having sex and will be done in ~ 20 seconds. You probably get more enjoyment yourself out of a blowjob.
Find yourself a guy who’s been with a few girls and who’s not a raging asshole, so he might actually care about whether you’re having a good time too. Alternatively, I’m sure there are PLENTY of men in their 30s who would happily help you out, and they will definitely make sure you have a good time.
Why is everyone staring at me? What? Huh? What? Fuck you!
March 6th, 2009 at 2:02 am
@ Slash:
Yeah, right?
March 6th, 2009 at 2:09 am
What guy in the history of the world is satisfied with only blowjobs? You gotta throw it in. Period. And what woman in the history of the world gives blowjobs with nothing in return? Did you see that Star Trek where Captain Kirk fucked a green bitch? And for the two token (probably paid) brothers out there, would it kill you to wear a life vest when you go out on the water? I’ll take the small dick and a flotation device, thanks.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:13 am
@FMRA
BAAWWWSTON FAAAAAITHFULL!!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am
@ Slash,
It is totally not me saying “I’d rather suck your dick than ride it,” it’s guys saying, “hmm, I’d rather you just give me a blow job [because I'm afraid you're one of those girls who'll think we're meant to be together forever because I popped your cherry and that clinging doesn't happen with blow jobs].”
Which I’m not. I just want to fuck. I don’t get why that is so hard for these college boys to understand.
@ Needs More Cheerleaders,
Exactly.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:18 am
@ NMC – I was wondering if anyone was ever going to notice that fucked up shit.
Good stuff this week everybody!
@ Carrie: Oh yeah, the last thing you said makes everything make more sense, but I still can’t understand why they are still passing that up unless you give some fantabulous head and the quest for cooch is quenched. Also, do you hang out with dudes that drink and/or smoke weed? Catch one of them late one night and I believe your problem will be solved.
/I don’t not condone smoking/drinking
/Anybody got any bud?
March 6th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Sorry, Carrie. I was operating under the assumption that you didn’t exist* when i called you a pole smoker. Had I known you were real, I would have gone with “oral specialist”.
*Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, God, 19 year old virgins who give head….yeah, I lumped you in with that crowd.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Just an update for all of you…FMRA is sleeping soundly in my bed and she’s still sporting the ballgag I provided her along with the anal beads. She’s a little worse for the wear but all in all, the night was a success. The GHB should wear off in a few hours. Hopefully after I leave her in front of her house.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:46 am
haha @ nate
Carrie, I was just letting all my thoughts come out.. there was no explanation, but you seem to have provided a good one.. my name is not Abby or Dr. Phil so please ignore my advice /fails
/thinks: how can we get Carrie laid? are you the spring break kinda girl? party girl? it was so easy in college..and don’t feel bad.. i knew a buncha girls who were virgins.. unfortunately for one of them..my friend took her virginity and kicked her to the curb.. but unlike you..she was a stage 5 clinger..
-Sal
March 6th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Way to go CVE. Where her thighs as thick as she said they were?
In other news, I forgot to mention yesterday how cool it would be to grudge fuck a pats fan chick.
/18 and 1 bitch, 18 and oooh yeah
March 6th, 2009 at 10:30 am
@dAndy..nah, they weren’t that bad. Just a little chafing.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I was going to chime in with this last night, but it had kind of been said. Now I think it bears repeating. Carrie, do you like older guys? I would volunteer, but I do not know where you are, and if you are 20 miles away from me there are probably 100 candidates as good as me. I think you need a guy in the 30-35 range, or at least 25, who will understand what you want and need.
Geez, now that I think about it this site no worse a way to line up such a thing than CL or a bar.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:45 am
@Dandy Yeah because ONLY drunk & high 19 year old guys would accept an offer for free, no strings sex.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@CVE, I bet you spent hours stroking her hair.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@UU…nah, she obviously had just had a bikini wax..
Oh, you meant on her head.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:36 am
RE Carrie Says: It is totally not me saying “I’d rather suck your dick than ride it,” it’s guys saying, “hmm, I’d rather you just give me a blow job [because I'm afraid you're one of those girls who'll think we're meant to be together forever because I popped your cherry and that clinging doesn't happen with blow jobs].”
Um, I’m just going to respectfully suggest to you that the reason a dude would say “I’d rather have a blowjob than intercourse” is because you’re doing all the work and he’s just lying back and enjoying it. It’s not out of concern that you’ll assume too much from fucking and get all girly and clingy, it’s because what guy wouldn’t enjoy a girl who will come over and suck him off and then leave? No offense intended, but if you’re gonna do that, you may as well just turn pro. At least you’d be getting something out of it (ie, cash money).
I’m sure most of the dudes on here wish I would shut the fuck up, but I can’t in good conscience leave someone with the impression that blowjobs are the equivalent of intercourse and this is something dudes have the right to demand and expect – blowjobs on request for them, not much in return for you except the honor of having their dick in your mouth. I’m sure he/they will remember it fondly, but… I’m kinda sad for you. You have the right to get off too and if blowjob guy is too fucking lazy to do it, I’m sure you can find someone who isn’t. You’re 19, for fuck’s sake. Use condoms, birth control, etc., of course, be safe, don’t pick up some sleazy stranger, but get out there and get some. I think you’re long overdue.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Thanks for saying that, Slash. I’ve been meaning to. I’m sure they guys say very nice things about her when she is not there.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
@Yeah right,
There is nothing in this world than a San Diego Carne Asada Burrito from any of the “berto’s”. Roberto’s, Alberto’s, Eriberto’s, or even Robertito’s. I live in LA now and I still can’t find one decent north of Oceanside.
Wait, I’m supposed to be focused on the sex stuff. Vanilla had the best advice for the guy getting cheated on.
@Carrie,
Stop wasting time with the college douches and find yourself a Marine, he’ll happily take your V card and you can feel like you’ve done your part for the War on Terror. If no Marines close, an Army dog will do but you won’t feel as good about yourself.
@dAndy,
Some of my best threesomes have involved my Dad. Hey Yoooo
I felt dirty writing that.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
@Carrie I am sorry, but I feel that you may be hanging out with gays!
@FMRA That takes balls to admit that you are narcissistic bitch, and I LIKE IT!
March 6th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
To cheated on guy:
Take a page from mister threesome and Vanilla both. Mention that you’d like to spice up the relationship. Suggest M/M/F threesome. At this point, one of two things will happen. In all probability, she’ll turn you down flat and you come back with “really? I figured I’d give you a chance to involve the guy you’re cheating with” and run the Vanilla method. Since she’s already given up on the relationship, there’s an outside chance she might figure ‘what the hell’ and go along. In this case, the relationship will slide easily to ‘open’ and then to ‘date other people’ and then to ‘worry free ass’. It’s an easy thing to do and could pay substantial dividends.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
@ Wooden Nickel,
Was there at least a woman involved somewhere in that threesome with your dad?
March 6th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I agree with Wooden Nickel, kinda. If Carrie’s gonna screw anyone, she should pass on the college douchebags she obviously hangs out with and do a Marine, or really, any of the armed forces (the Marines, I’m sure, would say different, but then again, they always do). Go Army or Air Force maybe even Navy. Not all at once, of course. And of course, stay safe (ie, disease-free).
March 6th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
@CVE: so the question is – did you or did you not get pancakes?
March 6th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
@NRJ- yes, buttermilk, they were delicious.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
@NMC,
I didn’t know what would be more weird to say: Yes, my sister. Or No, just him, me and burritos. So I’m just going to respectfully decline to answer.
@Slash,
Air Force? Navy? I thought we already concluded here BJ friend was gay and fantasizing she was a dude, we don’t want to throw more at her. I’m kidding, all the services have a purpose, the Marines wouldn’t look so great if there wasn’t another end of the spectrum. Hey yoo. I just like to instigate.
I’m pretty sure a person can get a Medal if they hook up with a person from every branch of service at the same time, or at least they should.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@ Wooden Nickel,
Was the burrito in the middle?
March 6th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
@yeah, right…
Fatburger? How ’bout In-n-Out Burger? MUCH more appropriate! LOL
March 6th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Ah, the Sun Temple, Konark. Best place to have a dirty 50-year-old tour guide say, “And this is position 69. Very Important. You know what it is, miss?” to your girlfriend and friend.
Walls of this shite.