Have you ever wondered to yourself, “what’s the stupidest shit anybody has written about an athlete this off-season?” Wonder no more, because Jim Donaldson of the Providence Journal has locked up that title with authority. While Brady’s lifestyle has been the subject of numerous asinine columns in New England, none can compare to this tripe. Continue after the jump for the full FJM treatment.

I’m worried about Tom Brady.

Did Josh McDaniels give him Super AIDS?

I’m worried that he may be thinking more about Dolce and Gabbana than the Jets and Dolphins.

Oh I get it now, you’re an idiot.

What else could we think after reading this report last week in US magazine about the wedding of the Patriots’ superstar quarterback and his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen:

“The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting, ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce and Gabbanna. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce and Gabbana floral lace collars.”

That you have nothing better to do than to read US Weekly?

What makes me uncomfortable, as we look forward to the 2009 season, is a nagging concern that the competitive fire that made Brady a future Hall of Famer may no longer burn as brightly as it did before he got hurt, and before he got married.

But what about the pole shoved up your ass? Surely that must be at least as uncomfortable as the idea of a football player getting married.

The thing about the Great Ones is that they always want to win.

Every Time?

Every time.

At everything?

At everything.

Well that explains why he was so adamant on winning the title of world’s laciest wedding.

Remember what Tiger Woods said last week, when he returned from knee surgery to play in the Accenture Match Play Championships?

No, did it have something to do with Dolce and Gabbana?

“I entered this event with the same intention I do every event since I was a little boy, and that’s to win.”

Easy for him to say, he doesn’t have a hundred million dollars and a gorgeous wife at home. Am I right or am I right?

Brady has always been the same way. He’s always wanted to be the best out there. He’s always been determined to win.

Hmmm. Sounds worrisome to me.

By the summer of 2001, Brady was no longer a skinny beanpole. He had worked so hard to add muscle to his thin frame that he was given a preferred parking space at training camp, where he parked his canary-yellow Jeep.

I’m sorry, did you start quoting from US Weekly again?

But how hard has he been working to rehab the reconstructed left knee in which he tore both medial collateral and anterior cruciate ligaments in the first quarter of the first game of the 2008 season?

How the fuck should I know? Go ask him, asshole.

Bill Parcells likes to say that, on Sunday, everyone wants to win.

Especially those sneaky Japs.

Brady has been doing some pretty cool things over the last year while in the company of the lovely Ms. Bundchen. They’ve been jet-setting from Paris to Costa Rica, New York to Los Angeles, leading the good life.

How hard, one might well wonder, will it be to leave that life and return to the weight room, to get back to the hours of film study and practice required to win a championship?

It’s tough to tell, because before he was married to the world’s top supermodel he was just your average hard-working quarterback who was merely dating the world’s top supermodel.

When last we really saw Tom Brady, before his all-too-brief 2008 season, he had thrown for a league-record 50 touchdowns while leading the Patriots to a 16-0 regular-season record.

He was also drowning in Giselle’s love juices every night of that season.

He then led New England to its fourth AFC championship in seven years and would have won a fourth Super Bowl had the Patriots’ defense not allowed the Giants to drive 83 yards to the winning touchdown in the final minutes of Super Bowl XLII.

Ostensibly because the defense was all caught up in the hype over Dolce and Gabbana’s new spring collection.

But he’ll be 32 this summer. He’s coming off the first serious injury of his career. He should be financially set for life. He’s married to one of the glamorous women in the world.

Well two of those three things could affect his play on the field. Guess which one is completely irrelevant.

There’s no reason to think he doesn’t still have the same talent. But is he still the same guy?

Could all of that fancy Stetson cologne have mutated his DNA?

Or has he become somebody who spends more time thinking about Dolce and Gabanna [SIC] than he does about the Jets and Dolphins?

Yep, that joke was so fucking funny it just begged to be told again.

Die.