Herpes Herpes Bo Burpees… The KSK Football/Sex Mailbag
It’s mailbag time again. Time to rip open your envelopes, pin down your letters, and have my way with them. Significant tearing may occur. Got a football question and a sexual issue you need to bring to full release? Email us here. As always, points awarded for brevity and sincerity.
KSK Homo Mob–
Recently, a very good female friend introduced me to a friend of hers who she has been trying to get me to meet for years. Sure enough, this girl (we will call her ‘Big Bird’, as she is 6′ tall) is right in my wheelhouse…witty, good taste in media, smart, and absolutely BANGING. Skinny, but has a real thick butt, real purty mouth, and probably top-2 legs of any girl that has been stupid enough to kiss me. Pretty much I fell in love with her from the introduction. First night we ever hang out, easy hook-up; second time we hang out, total nudity is introduced and it is pretty clear that Poundtown is the next destination on the train. But then, a very very unsexy detour, as Big Bird mentions….
“Okay just so you know before we go any further, I have herpes. It’s not contagious unless I have an outbreak which I absolutely don’t have right now, and with a condom and my medication it is really not a big deal, but I thought that you should be informed.”
WHATTTTTTTTTTT? I guess I am just naive, but this was my first time being in any situation approaching this, and immediately was thrown off. I am a very considerate person, so I played it off like it was no big deal, although I did lie and say ‘thats cool I gave up orgasms for lent’ so as to not make it insulting that I did not want her near my penis. I DID however still go down on her for a while, because she was too hot for me to not do anything to, and I really enjoy eating downtown. My questions, as I know nothing about herpes (although I am getting a crash course in it via Wikipedia)…
1. Because I find this girl insanely desirable, I am seriously considering trying to play safe and hope that through caution, I can avoid contracting herp myself and still date the best prospect I have seen in sometime. Is this realistic?
2. If I did (allah forbid) date her for a while and manage to score myself some H, how devastating to my career would that be? Like I said, I’m pretty naive about these things and my typical concern is usually ‘just dont get anybody preggers’
3. She was right and I have no reason to be worried about having gone down on her for a while, right? Right??
4. Football: Can Jake Delhomme ever win a Super Bowl, keeping in mind that Steve Smith and Deangelo are really, really good? And if JPep demands to leave, who are the sorts of players the Panthers should try to demand in return?
KSK: Because WebMD doesn’t make dick jokes
sincerely,
Mr. S-my-D
Well, I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes.
So careful with the oral. You’re almost certainly fine after your little session the other day. But in the future, I suggest you use a tongue condom. Ever use a lambskin tongue condom? Like licking velvet.
The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!
And no, Delhomme is fucking toast. Sorry.
First of all football. Always. Is Cutlerfucker worth a second year of spent draft choices to help propel the Mighty Norse to the here-to-fore never attained level of 0-5 in the Superbowl pantheon?
Sex question regards the Asian Rub & Tug?
Say for instance you haven’t had real sex in awhile. And by “awhile” I mean a really long time. This does not include the Bourbon Street handy nor the North Las Vegas Strip handy. When is it OK to get a “back rub” with “Happy Ending?”
And when do you become the creepy old guy who comes here for a rub-n-tug?
I gots to know.
When do I become “The Creepy Old Guy”?
You’re only a creepy old guy if you go to a rub ‘n’ tug when you’re married and/or have children. If you’re single, by all means go for the Spanish Egg Roll. Nothing beats a half-assed handjob from a Korean woman with and cat’s disposition and no inner soul.
As for Cutler, I’d love to see the Vikes trade for him. Is he worth a first rounder? Fuck and yes. Would the Vikings win a Super Bowl with him at the helm? No. Not with Chilly running things. Then again, they seem quite pleased with what they have. Excuse me while I go to shoot people from a clock tower now. PEW PEW PEW!
Dear Internet Losers:
Football: is Sproles worth a higher pick next year than Tomlinson?
Now that that is out of the way… I want to get my fiance to watch porn with me, because porn is awesome. How do I broach this subject? And do you have any suggested titles that we could start out with?
Thanks,
Tom
See, I think Tomlinson’s value has fallen so far now that it’s practically pre-ordained he’ll bounce back and have a kickass season. I see him splitting carries 50/50 with Toto Sproles, in which case he’s easily worth a mid-round pick, particularly if Sproles goes before him.
As for the porn thing, has she expressed any interest previously in watching porn? No? Then don’t even try. Chances are, she’ll balk at the suggestion. The only way to truly gauge her interest without offending her is if you have premium cable. If you’re in bed flipping around one night, and you “happen” upon a soft core Skinemax flick, then you keep it on and pretend you’re watching it as a kind of goof, then give her a raised eyebrow, then maybe MAYBE you’ll get a rise out of her.
But if you bring home a copy of ASS WORSHIP and slip it under her pillow, expect her to pawn her ring within a month.
Dear Assaulters of the Arse,
Football: What kind of impact (and numbers) do you expect Sir Owens to put up on North America’s team? Are we to trust the arm of Trend Edwards? Or should we not even bother considering him a top 5 WR?
Sex: I have decided to give up masturbation for Lent, but sex is still allowed. My questions is as follows:
Does (self) nipple tweaking during sex count as masturbation? Also, how normal is it that I do it? I’ve heard about 50% of guys need that additional stimulation to have an orgasm. I don’t think I NEED it, but it adds to the pleasure.
Jack Mehoff
You gave up masturbation for Lent? What are you, a fucking idiot? I find this whole Lent thing completely retarded. Hey, let me give up something I like for an arbitrary amount of time, then go right back to doing it! That’ll make me a better person! Idiotic. Jerk it. Jesus forgives you. He’s a laid back fellow like that.
As for the nipple tweaking, whatever floats your boat, brother. Nipple tweaking, taint rubbing, ball slapping… if it gets you off, game on. Is nipple tweaking masturbation? Only if your nipple is located at the tip of your penis. (This is common in Eskimo men.)
Dear esteemed minds at KSK,
Sex question: Is there anything more annoying than getting ready to watch some high-quality Asian porn and then seeing that the movie is from Japan, and thus the genitals are blurred out? Japanese people are known for having some of the most perverse minds in the world. Why the hell is this possible/allowed?
Fantasy question: I have Matt Cassel in a keeper league. What sort of production should I expect out of him next year, and is he worth being named a starter in a 10-team league?
Best Regards,
The Chili Guy
If blurred genitals are the only unpleasant surprise you experience while watching Japanese porn, consider yourself fortunate. For all you know, they’re also blurring out an eel. If you’re looking for an explanation of Japanese sexual mores, I can’t help you there. Those people are fucking bizarre.
I expect Matt Cassel to give you average QB production next year, probably in that 20-24 TD range. I’d say, in a ten-team league, you’ll need to make sure you have a second solid QB like Schaub so you can play matchups.
Lords of Suckdom,
Is Cutler hosed as a fantasy QB this upcoming season?
What is the etiquette when a girl accidentally pisses on you during intercourse?
With hope,
Mr Peed Upon.
I see no reason why Cutler can’t be as good as he was last year, fantasy-wise.
The logical thing to do if a girl pisses on you during intercourse is to return the favor and pull an R. Kelly. But I suggest taking the high road. Play it cool, clean it up, and act like it’s no big deal. You’ll have saved her a lot of potential embarrassment, and in return she’ll be willing to do all sorts of kinky shit, like piss on you.
Hey you homos of the queeracopalypse,
Sex: I’ve been dating this new lady friend at work for the past 3 weeks. The going is good and she doesn’t bother me at work with the awfulness that is public displays of affection. I guess it’s the trade off for the weird thing she does during our alone time. It isn’t the body movements or the fact that she likes to keep her socks on. No. This is weirder than even of that. My lady friend is a 23 year old senior graduate student at an Ivy League school with zero emotional problems except… she likes to play the Backstreet Boys during intercourse.
I WANT IT THAAAAAAAT WAY… (THAT way means anal! It’s true! Everyone knows THIS way means regular sex and THAT way means Route Shitxty Six!)
I’m not talking about the love songs either. Uptempo and full on gay pop/hip hop shit they came to be known for (her favorite at the moment – Everybody remix) before N’Sync thankfully destroyed them with their waves of uber gayness.
What can I do to ween her off this terrible ear fucking and get her down on some slow jams like Parliament and the P-Funks? What? Never had sex to George Clinton? Try it sometime.
Football: Why did San Fran resign Small Hands Alex but tow the line at signing a dynamic (albeit huge asshole) like Terrell Owens that would help the offense more than a backup riding pine? Mad Mike needs all the crazy he can find to feed his crazy brain.
Zero emotional problems, eh? Does she have ninety Pound Puppies surrounding her bed, too?
I think the only way to ween her off the Backstreet Boys fetish is to simply ask her politely if you can try other music sometimes. I think it’s fair that, for every time you do it to “Quit Playing Games With My Heart”, you’re allowed to trot out a P Funk or Jimmy Cliff or Otis Redding record. Hopefully, she’ll enjoy the variety. And if she doesn’t… then buy her a Howie Dorough blowup doll and kick her Ivy League ass to the curb. Or give her herpes.
I have no earthly idea why the 49ers resigned Alex Smith. Only the Dan Orlovsky signing was dumber.
KSK,
Sex:
I’m in a steady relationship with a girlfriend of almost one year and we have a healthy sexual life, even though it’s quite tame and nothing out of the ordinary. As you know everybody has a fantasy, and mine’s to get a Russian (Ed note: this means a tittyfuck. I was not aware of that. Suddenly I feel very unhip.). Not too big, not too small, just perky enough to enclose my junk in between them like a hotdog bun.
Of course the thing is, my girlfriend’s not really the cardboard type, but she’s not really endowed either. Plus I don’t even know how to bring that up to her. She’s pretty conservative about sex, so it’s not like I can offer her a return with her own fantasy, that is if she has one / that eager to have that come true as I am with them sweater puppies. So my question is, is it considered cheating if say I resorted to outside (professional / not) help?
Yes.
I love my girlfriend very much
Except I’d like to tittyfuck other women!
and our relationship has gone pretty well so I can assure you I can control myself just to get some nice titfuck, nothing more.
Because most guys exercise complete and total self-control when their genitals are placed between another woman’s breasts and at the tip of her chin. Why, that’s barely flirting!
Sorry, buddy. It’s cheating. Suck it up.
Football:
We know their age, and we know that they can still play, so will MarHar and Garcia get signed by any teams this season? I just don’t read any news about them visiting / getting offers at all so far.
MarHar’s a different case from Garcia because MarHar has been freshly outed as some kind of bizarre Philadelphia neighborhood kingpin. Pretty impressive for a guy with no tongue. (That’s what you get when you don’t use tongue condoms) Dunno if teams really like that new fact about him. There’s also the possibility that MarHar doesn’t WANT to come back and play, so that clouds things a bit.
I’m sure both players have gotten offers, but are waiting until after the June 1st cuts (and possibly into training camp) to see which teams are going to be truly desperate for their services. I’m sure Gay Zorro will ride again. After all, Gay Zorro’s got a Valtrex prescription co-pay to worry about.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, commenter clare will happily re-answer every question you didn't ask her, herpes, know that spot on Gorbachev's head? HERPES, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, russians, you got a real purty mouth, your body your body is a porta potty
March 12th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
@Mr. S my D – my wife has the herp and we’ve been going unprotected for years. Her meds (I’m assuming your Big Bird is on Valtrex) has worked to the point where she has had one outbreak in the 8 years we’ve known each other, and I am free and clear. So go for it (if you really dig her, and see this going somewhere, not getting flipped out about it, and willing to work with it will be a bonus for her desire for you), and condoms are always a good idea. And no, Delhomme is never going to win the big one.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Anyone else think it pretty ballsy for the guy banging the 14 year old office cleaning immigrant to write into the Mailbag?
To Catch a Douche Bag has its next victim in their sights
March 12th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
“I’ve been dating this new lady friend at work for the past 3 weeks.”
dude, “don’t meet your honey where you make your money” or in other words “don’t shit where you eat.”
March 12th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Outstanding as always, but there was a swing and a miss on “Tom”…he was signaling his gayness by mentioning his “fiance”. As you know, when the betrothed is female, the fiancee has the extra “e”. You should have suggested a warmup of “Brokeback”, following by anything featuring a Japanese pitcher (and catcher – har!).
Of course, maybe it was just a misspelling, but I think it’s much more likely he was crying out for gay porn help.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Herp Guy: Like you, I plead ignorance to in-depth matters of the herpes, seeing as I don’t have it and (to my knowledge) haven’t fucked anyone who does? And while the first commenter knows the deal, and it’s working for him, I have a serious question: WHY, knowing nothing about herpes as you confess you don’t, was your natural response to stick your face into her cooch? I mean, if you’re worried enough about future prospects outside of this girl that you don’t want herpes on your dick, why do you take the chance of wearing it as a mask? Your logic astounds me.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Are Russians especially partial to titfucks? What’s the deal on this nomenclature? Don’t worry Drew, I never heard that either. Why don’t people just ASK for stuff they want? Try it, worst that can happen is she says no. Or she chops your balls off. You’re takin’ that risk.
/titfucks aren’t that great; much rather have the vag
March 12th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
By the way, fantastic ass on the pirate wench up there. Yowzers.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
It isn’t … the fact that she likes to keep her socks on.
Well it fucking should be. That’s disgusting.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Mr. S-my-D. I say go for it. It’s Herpe time!
March 12th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Outstanding as always, but there was a swing and a miss on “Tom”…he was signaling his gayness by mentioning his “fiance”. As you know, when the betrothed is female, the fiancee has the extra “e”. You should have suggested a warmup of “Brokeback”
Oh no, I missed a chance at Brokeback joke! Those are so fresh!
March 12th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
You had me at “THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!”. In these tough economic times, I like to get tips to keep me going. Not that I have a penis. But its the thought that counts.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
@KD’s: Never heard of it referred to as a “Russian” before either, but dude, boob sex is awesome, if it’s with the right size boobs.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I almost stopped reading after checking out the badonkadonk ass on the white girl up there. The world would be a better place if more women has ample ass like that. Wow.
Good luck with the Herp dude. There’s got to be another 6′ amazon you could pull without the H, but that’s just my logic.
A guy that likes nipple tweaking just screams gay to me, maybe a cattle prod would work better? Hmmmm?
Lent IS ridiculous. Maybe we should all give up the one thing we want the most for 40 days, that should absolutely ease the tension in the world.
If you need some Slow Jams advice, hit me up, my cassette tapes (yeah I wrote that) and CDs along with the ipod mix are sure to get the panties off within 5 minutes.
Giggity.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
she likes to play the Backstreet Boys during intercourse.
I can only get erect to the sounds of Karen Carpenter. Deal with it.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Even with a 10, I’m not sure I could get it/keep it up with Backstreet blaring in the background. Creeeeeeepy.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Wow, I would have never even considered touching a chick with Herpes. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. Brave souls ye be.
If you have to play in dirty waters, remember kids – “Bacterial, not viral!”
March 12th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Tittyfucking is not exactly an extreme. Just start the conversation about other possibilities in bed and see if it comes up. As a big fan myself, I only waited about a month before asking for it.
Also, it would completely be cheating
March 12th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
On a related note, the greatest achievment of the internet is that it has turned us all into pseudo-doctors. Who hasn’t seen an unusual mark on one’s genitals and proceeded to type in “bump”, “penis”, and “is this herpes?” into the Google? The downfall is that this leads to yet another opportunity to see a picture of Fordyce’s bumps.
And “THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!” will now be my favorite non-sequitur to use in awkward situations.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
The funniest thing about herpes is that everyone thinks they don’t have it. If you haven’t been tested you don’t know shit. Most people shed virus asymptomatically.
By the way, herpes likes faces as much as genitals.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Gracias, Dr. Light!
March 12th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
BDD’s mailbags are always entirely too sincere and thoughtful and, well, correct. You’re not giving me and Clare anything to work with here!
Spot-on about the porn advice, btw. I think most women enjoy porn if they can just get over the socially-imposed mental speedbumps.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I railed a chick with the herp one evening and I was lucky enough to not get it. The only reason I found out she had it was because her ex boyfriend told me about it. Thanks for the warning dickhead.
Fucking a hot chick with the herp is like the lottery, it can be lucky to win, but you may have to deal with the consequences.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I’m disappointed in the lack of anal adventures from the readers lately.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
/Needs more Katni, Clare, FMRA, Boatdrinks, etc.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
@ Katni.
The statement “most women enjoy porn” is intriguing. However, since porn includes so many varities, such as the Japanese eel porn as described in the mailbag, or just straight one guy – one girl banging.
In your opinion, what “porn” do women like?
March 12th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Eater of Big Bird
Let me get this straight…Meet girl, petting?, no sex. Second round, glorious nekedness, ‘oh by the way…Herp bomb confession’, ‘I DID however go down on her for a while…’. So the score is two incounters, Four blueballs, one engorged clit due to uninspired/incomplete cunnilingus, and the spectre of the big H hangin over it all?!? My fucking sex life seems so tidy and fulfilling now, thanks!
March 12th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
@PirateSloth- I’m just happy that actual adults wrote in this week, and not a bunch of high school kids making shit up.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
What the hell is a senior graduate student?
March 12th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Well, smaaron, I obviously can’t speak for ALL women, but I think just regular guy-on-girl fucking/oral does the trick, maybe even some threesome or girl-on-girl. I’m sure there are women out there into freakier shit, but throwing on some Red Tube on the ol’ laptop and going to town is usually a safe bet.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Only the Dan Orlovsky signing was dumber
Yep, we are still the Texans. But remember, “Nobody cares about the Texans”
March 12th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
To add to Katni’s advice, if the porn in question shows a female actually climaxing – it’s sure to intrigue your woman, and furthermore excite her to ride you like a stallion. More than likely right there in the comp chair.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
The man walking the herpes tightrope missed a golden opportunity for anal. I mean, how can she refuse if he expresses his concern about catching something from her cooch. Of course, since he dove in face first, opportunity is long gone.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@ Katni
Thank you. Follow up question: does a female, such as yourself, prefer porn that focues on the overall sex, the male perspective, or the female perspective?
I ask this because the majority of straight up porn tends to focus on the sex from the dude’s point of view, which could affect the liking of the porn.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Mr. S-my-D: You are a brave and classy guy to stick with Big Bird, because if my partner told me he rode the H Train, I’d run screaming from him like my hair was on fire. Why was your first instinct to stick your face in her crotch, though?
Jack Mehoff: You gave up masturbation but not sex for lent? Weird. Anyway, if you’re having sex, you’re already in for a penny, so get in for a pound. p.s. Why not make her pinch them for you? p.p.s. Again, clothespins. Think about it.
Mr. Peed Upon: Are you sure she didn’t pull a Cytherea on you? In which case, THAT’S AWESOME AND CAN SHE TEACH ME HOW?!
The Russian: You’re willing to risk what sounds like a very happy relationship on something so mundane? You are a damned fool. Sell it to her like this: “You relax and I’ll do all the work.”
Katni: I know, right? I don’t like this sensitive thug BDD.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
@smaaron
This is probably most easily summarized as, watching a bj does absolutely nothing for me. Again, can’t speak for all women. Watching a guy go down, however, different story. And straight-up sex is sort of gender-neutral, perspective wise, I guess.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Nothing beats a half-assed handjob from a Korean woman with and cat’s disposition and no inner soul.
This line is a classic. That’s what I’ve always imagined those places/people to be like. That is why I’ve never understood why guys could patronize scrub and tugs. I’m more of a do-it-yourselfer.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Thank you for your reponse. Now, the quest to get my girlfriend to watch porn with me begins …..
March 12th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Clare, I’m not about to google Cytherea at work, so please educate me.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
ditto on Cytherea. I need to know
March 12th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
@Clare: I am super uber impressed you know who Cytherea is. You are my hero.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@AZ: Can I safely assume “squirting”?
March 12th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Cytherea does love to squirt.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@Katni: Yes, and its more like using a firehose
March 12th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Jesus, I couldn’t even get through the first letter without writing this: Mr. S-my-D, you’re a fucking idiot. And I agree that she was at least decent enough to tell you, many chicks wouldn’t have. And she probably got it from some asshole who didn’t tell her (though to be fair, she obviously didn’t insist on a rubber, so she’s culpable as well). She’s too good for you. She should dump you. Getting medical info from Wikipedia… You’re almost as retarded as Travis Henry.
And I have to go to lunch now, so thanks for all the mental pictures.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Cytherea is not a syndrome. Rather, its a woman with gushing talent.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
@Katni: Squirt is not the word for it. Erupt is more like it.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!”
All caps means Peezy said it – which makes it better, in my book.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
@AZ: Okay, I just don’t get that. Just…..why?
March 12th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
@Clare: Its like putting Pop Rocks in a can of soda honestly.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
More of a “gusher” than a “squirter”
March 12th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Also, I have no idea how that guy can keep it up with Backstreet Boys playing, I would think that would instantly kill a boner in a straight dude.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
@Slash: I would just be laughing too hard. Like the time a guy tried to seduce me with Ginuwine’s pony song. Really, dude? Really???
March 12th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@Katni – better than using 80’s slow ballards from hair bands?
Saigon Kick, Extreme, Warrant – you get the picture. Panties = dropped. Works every time.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
The next KSK mock draft: Boy band songs to have sex to.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
@Rocco: Genius. I’ve got dibs on “Tearin’ Up My Heart”.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Like the time a guy tried to seduce me with Ginuwine’s pony song. Really, dude? Really???
If that’s not baby-making music, I don’t know what is
March 12th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Tittyfucking another woman is not having sex, so it can’t possibly be cheating. President Clinton said so.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
GODDAMN… that ASS, that tiny waist, that pouty mouth… HOLY LORD. Of course, the first question involves “herpes” and “downtown”. Thanks a lot for the unnecessary cold shower.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
The best way to get your girl to watch porn with you is to be stellar in the sack then say you learned it all from watching porn. Porn is a sexual textbook, and unless your girl wants you looking for new study partners, she needs to brush up on the material.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
If anybody can answer this, please do.
Does that Cytherea stuff actually happen? What is the percentage of the female population that erupts? Or even squirts (non-pee squirting only)?
March 12th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
a few thoughts: pony sets a good pace and is still on my mixtape, but it has gotten a bit corny over the years. also, sex/music related, I once had R. Kelly’s Chocolate Factory album on and the song Snake was playing. and I could not make this up, the cd was scratched and started skipping right on the line “Like two gorillas in the jungle making love” -we both started cracking up.
as for cytherea, I am also very impressed that you knew her. actually, for a period of like 3 years when i was younger, squirt porn was by far my favorite. sadly, i’m still yet to meet a girl who actually literally squirts.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I claim H-town’s “Knockin’ the Boots.”
March 12th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
What’s the name of the girl in the picture? I think I have some “business” to handle on my lunch break.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
H-Town is not a boy band. But just in case they are, I’ve got dibs on “Meeting in my Bedroom” by Silk
March 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Cytherea is INSANE. I’ve yet to see a squirter who’s even in the same ballpark.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
for all you squirting fans, kick it old school and watch “Rain Woman”
March 12th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
If H-Town and Silk are in the running, I claim Blackstreet and “No Diggity”.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Squirting is a female myth cooked up by left wing feminists to further emasculate men. Much like the G-Spot. It’s a hoax that has been exposed many times. Do some searches on “Porn star” and “squirting” and you’ll eventually find out that the famous squirters (like Cytherea) stick water filled condoms up their cooches and then just bear down at the appropriate time to simulate ejaculation.
Do you really think this phenomenon would have went undiscovered for hundreds of years until Al Gore invented the internet? What, people in the 60’s and 70’s just sucked in bed? Use logic.
Oh and I sympathize with the guy who has to use the Backstreet Boys as fuck music. Then again, I’ve been known to favor Boyz II Men so perhaps I’m not one to talk. “Motown Filly” is a great love song, dammit.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I think H-town, Boyz II Men, New Edition, etc. are eligible for the draft.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Does Bubby Brister have a newsletter exposing porn myths?
You mean my sister’s friends don’t want to have sex with me?
I get that the Vesuvius explosion in Cytherea is fake, but does any form of squirting exist in the female population? I ask this because the internet doesn’t have any non-porn answers.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
@PirateSloth: “Pony”? “To Be With You”? “More Than Words”? I’d laugh, but it would still work on me.
@smaaron: I think it’s real. (Stop being a killjoy, Bubby Brister!) I think the topic of squirting has been addressed in sex books as far back as the old hippieish version of The Joy of Sex, and I definitely remember a reference to it in Spy magazine back in the ’80s.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
The female orgasm… THAT’S the myth
March 12th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I have seen a porn from the 70s where the woman squirted, so there goes brister’s whole argument. I have also had this ex-gymnast chick tell me that she could do it, but i never had the chance to see it. I’m sure cytherea is an anomaly, but i do believe that squirting exists and i will continue to believe no matter what evidence i hear. having sex with a woman that squirts is one of my reasons for living, dont take that away from me.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
A college roommate took a picture once of the ‘wet spot’ his girlfriend left from her squirt or ejaculation, whatever you want call it. Now, it could have been stagged I suppose, but this is also the guy who once dated a stripper and told me he likes to finish in her ass raw dog, so as to avoid any chance of knocking her up and/or catching something. The knocking up part at least makes sense. But anyway, it sure seemed real. Oh, and there’s a ‘My Best Friend’s Mom’ video of Mrs. Givens that may help decide it.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@Clare, here’s my plan for seducing you then
Saigon Kick – Love is on the Way
Brian Adams – Heaven
Tesla – Love Song
By Tesla, you’d be tearing my clothes off. Winner.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Squirting, at least on a semi-normal scale, does exist, as I’ve had a friend complain that he had to put towels down for his ex.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I’ve had the pleasure of tittyfucking my last two girlfriends and none of us have ever referred to it as a “Russian”. Feel safe, Drew. Feel safe.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Women do squirt. Not in the Ole Faithful kind of way, but I can say, it is NOT a myth.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
never knew what it was actually called, but cytherea has happened to me and it was like getting a pitcher of love juice getting dumped on you. she was riding at that point
March 12th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
You’ll have saved her a lot of potential embarrassment, and in return she’ll be willing to do all sorts of kinky shit, like piss on you.
So funny!
And thanks, because I’ve been meaning to ask if it is worth allowing a girl to piss on you as a form of negotiation. Let’s just say it has come up in conversation with a girl I know.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I’ll take “She’s Got Skillz” by All 4 One.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
The guy who wants his wife to watch porn with him: definitely start her with the softcore stuff, since that tends to focus more on the intimacy and kissing and less on jackhammering. As a lady, I definitely prefer porn that focuses on the woman getting off, but I have friends who love watching a couple of gay guys go at it.
Backstreet Boys music? Now, I was a perfect tween age when they were popular but I would never have sex with them in the background, how do you not laugh?
And lastly, I don’t understand lent either. But if you’re going to do it, give something up like eating mass quantities of cake, that has negative consequences. I don’t see any good outcome from not masturbating for 40 days and 40 nights.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Roxy Music’s “Avalon”-the entire album. Awww yeah.
And if you are having sex while both of you are tripping on acid then anything by Spacemen 3 works like a charm.
/Went to college in Eugene, OR so that opportunity came up more than you’d think
March 12th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Its probably already been said in the comments but women cannot pee during intercourse. Its physically impossible. She probably ejaculated.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Squirting is real. The girl I had squirted a lot. Not Cytheria level, but still. The first time you encounter it, you have a moment of clarity when you realize what’s happening (”What the fuck is she… oh my God is she…. Holy SHIT it does exist!”). It’s like seeing Bigfoot. Plus, if she’s squirting you know you’re doing a good job, so there’s that. Also, telling your friends about it is a blast.
It’s great for a while, then after constantly a) sleeping in a wet spot, and b) having to wash your sheets a few times a week, the novelty begins to wear off.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Late to the party…..I’m Catholic and follow lent, and and I can think of no circumstances where I would give up jackin’ it for any reason, let alone Lent. Like, none. The collateral emotional damage to those around me would be far too great.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
@PirateSloth: Swap some Barry White for the Bryan Adams and I’ll be good to go.
@Carrie: Many ladies like the lovey touchy feely porn. Not all. I’m just sayin’.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I’m shocked ! No mention of “steak and BJ day” this Saturday.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
The blurring out of the pubic region in Japanese porn dates back to the period of Allied occupation after World War II. Gen MacArthur and his staff considered the genitals too obscene to depict, so they were censored. For some reason, this censorship continues in Japan today. This is really too bad, because the erotic woodblock prints from the 19th century (”Shunga”) are quite amazing.
/”Ask the Historian” is now over
March 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
You people can discuss Cytherea intelligently, but didn’t know what “Russian” meant?
This boggles my mind.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@Spatula: 19th century woodblock prints? Jesus, some people will beat off to anything
March 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Rub ‘n tug may be creepy old man territory after you have kids, but the world would be a much better place if Travis Henry had decided to go this route sometime after kid number four or five…
March 12th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@Fear the Buzzsaw: It’s really that surprising. Google “Russian.” Now Google “Cytherea.”
To most of us, Russian means Russian. We just call it good ol’ fashioned tittyfucking.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I considered H-Town a boy band because it’s three pretty dudes who don’t play instruments. Upon doing some research, it appears, however, that they lack the prerequisite evil Svengali manager who cobbles together a singing group through various evil machinations. As is the case with Boyz II Men, they came together organically. In H-Town’s case, two brothers and a friend began singing on street corners. New Edition, on the other hand, was put together by Maurice Starr, the same inhuman monster who created New Kids On The Block, and so is a boy band in the traditional sense.
More information about boy bands can be found on the internet.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Quote “I get that the Vesuvius explosion in Cytherea is fake, but does any form of squirting exist in the female population? I ask this because the internet doesn’t have any non-porn answers.”
IT IS REAL. You just gotta know how to do it – - i watched some crazy porn i think from teamquirt.com where the chick (solo) basically explained how it works. And let me tell you, it does. Only weird thing is apparently the chick has to get over the sensation of it feeling like she’s going to pee (which she’s not, at all) and then its crazy.
Watch some porn and learn the technique fellas!
March 12th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
The squirting stuff is true. What sucks is that I sent an email to the mailbag about that shit like 2-3 weeks ago and it didn’t make the cut. It was surprising because of how long the chick and I have been together and it never happened before, but cool as shit when it happened. As a man, you feel like you just completeley without a doubt took care of fucking business.
/maybe next time I’ll be with her when it happens….hey-oh!
March 12th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
get yourself a waterproof mattress pad before you start making women squirt
because your shit will get ruined
March 12th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
@Clare: Oh I know, I’m only sometimes feelin’ the lovey dovey stuff. Just if she’s never expressed any affinity for porn, hardcore might scare her off.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Why does there have to be any music during sex? I’m sure there is often music playing before, and it’s not like you are to be expected to turn it off during, but it seems many people HAVE to have a soundtrack while they’re doin’ it. Why is that? Is it the influence of “Gray’s Anatomy”? Or MTV? When MTV used to play videos.
RE porn: if you ask your wife/girlfriend to watch a particular porn, I guarantee you she’ll think you want/expect her to do whatever is in the porn. Even if you say you don’t, she’ll think that. Every sex advice columnist on earth tells people who want to try SEX ACT TBD to find a porn with that in there and show it to their significant other as a way of “broaching” the subject. So I definitely agree with BDD’s advice: make it like you just happen to be watching the porn, not that you NEED her to watch it too. Seriously, if you bring home some porn (or however people procure porn in the 21st century), she’s gonna think you intend it to be a how-to for her and/or you. And depending on what she sees, she might not like the implication. Plus, just generally, women hate the implication that they should mimic what women in pornos do. Most women don’t want to do most of that shit.
I haven’t seen a lot of porn, mind you, so I’m hardly an expert. I’m not sure why people would want to watch fucking instead of actually doing it, if they have someone there to do it with. I understand guys watching pornos and jerking it, I don’t understand couples watching it together. Eh… different strokes and all that.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
OKAY SO……I’m ‘The Herp Guy’.
To answer the one question that has come up repeatedly (and seriously thank ya’ll SO MUCH for the advice)….I went down on her because I am obviously a complete moron. I thought the medical logic was ‘it is tough to transfer from genitals to mouth’ and honestly i just really like doing that. I thought (stupidly) that it was the safest play.
And i mean i didnt get blueballed completely i managed to get off with her but just not in the traditionally fun ways….i am all about value for the penis, but on the other hand, i’m kinda a wuss. Thanks for the help though because I would really like to have justification for just hardening the fuck up and getting with it, so the courage only anonymous internet commentators can provide is a great help.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
RE Fear the Buzzsaw Says:
“You people can discuss Cytherea intelligently, but didn’t know what ‘Russian’ meant? This boggles my mind.”
Scroll up to read what BDD said about missing the opportunity to make a Brokeback joke, and you’ll have what I suspect most of us feel about this. I guess “tittyfucking” is too pedestrian a term. We must not travel in the sophisticated circles that you do.
BTW, do you have any idea what an “Afghani Camel Ride” is? (waits… snorts with derision) I didn’t think so. You rube.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
And yes…Lent was a good ‘in the moment’ excuse but next morning i think she knew what was up; i’m not actually catholic and all of a sudden had decided to compromise my principals.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
RE TheWholeF’nShow Says:
“I thought (stupidly) that it was the safest play.”
So putting a rubber on your dick and just screwing her didn’t occur to you? If Dr. Ruth or Sue Johanssen were here, they’d scold you. Nicely. Not assholishly, the way we did.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“less likely to transfer from female genitalia to mouth” =/= “unlikely…”
women are much more receptive to disease in that area
the mouth is much more likely to transmit disease
so she probably got the herp from some dude that went down on her before
but damn, this wouldn’t be funny if you hadn’t been such a dumbass, so thanks
March 12th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Re: LT – I am glad someone said those words out loud, because at least I know what was in my head makes sense. I made the comment the other day “this would be the year to actually go for LT in fantasy”. In the three years I’ve played, I’ve never had him, never wanted him…you base your whole team around one player like that and you’re asking for trouble. But that’s just my opinion. I’d rather have a team full of players like Cribbs a la the 2007 season.
Whether or not your girls will do the Russian or the porn (and might I add, porn is awesome, we just don’t always speak up about it) – never forget to be thankful you’re getting laid in the first place.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
ahhhhhhhhhhh i knowwwwwwww now i just dont know what my logic wasss
March 12th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
@Slash – I think you took my comment wrong. I was more concerned that I didn’t know what Cytherea was but had extensive knowledge of the term “Russian”.
Serves me right for spending so much time on CraigsList looking for hookers.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
why should I be thankful I’m getting laid?
look, I have $20. I can get laid. So can you.
Oh, I’m sorry are your standards a little higher than that? Mine, too. I want a chick who will watch porn with my dick in her mouth and have a three-way with another chick and let me tittyfuck and so on…
thankful my ass
don’t put the pussy on a pedestal
unless the pedestal is just the right height for you to fuck it at
March 12th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
@ Slash: BTW, do you have any idea what an “Afghani Camel Ride” is?
Does it involve a midget and a goat?
March 12th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Hey TheWholeF’nShow, you’ve got a little something on your lip, dude
March 12th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
It’s just…razor burn i think
March 12th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
RE: Drew & Herpes
Drew is in advertising, so if the commercials are to be believed, when you have herpes and take certain medicines, you get a really attractive and understanding partner, then you get go hiking, horseback riding, kayaking, water skiing and take long walks on sunny beaches.
Also, Drew has herpes, but he hasn’t told anybody on the KSK staff.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
You can get little polyps on your lips from kissing too much, or from sucking on something for too long.
so, you know…it might not be herpes…maybe…
March 12th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I have to say Drew is so flippant about the whole thing that it is a virtual certainty he has herpes and is just promoting understanding.
Which is good given my likely situation…the community thanks you Drew!
March 12th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I gave it up masturbation for Lent because that’s a vice of mine. Pretty bad. Even with a girlfriend, I still do it pretty frequently. It is also a chance at testing my self-control. I did not give up sex for Lent because why should my girlfriend have to make a sacrifice, too. She can give up her own vice.
Also, I was baptized Catholic, but I never did my Communion/Confirmation. I am going to be going through RCIA very soon so I figured it’d be appropriate if I started to observe Catholic practices now.
@ Clare – clothespins…ouch..i don’t need that much stimulation + i am not into the whole pain thing.. and she does tweak it for me.. and I do it for myself, too.. just depends..
Also, no predictions on T.O. eh?
Finally – white girl w/ booty iz niiiiiiiiiice – thanks goodness my gf has a booty.. latino men love the booty :D
March 12th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
TheWholeF’nShow – The pussy makes us all do some pretty illogical things…
March 12th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
“Motherfuckah, I was BORN by the pussy, I’ll DIE by the pussy!” – Skip
March 12th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I’m like a chocoholic, except for squirting…
March 12th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
nippletweaker: Yeah i can kinda smell you on the self restraint being a virtue angle; i think most of us have had that thought at one point or another. I considered trying to do it for the entirety of lent but only lasted about a week and a half (although I’m no longer really catholic so i suppose that is better than nothing). Also, a good nipple tweak is second only to a good ball lathering in terms of speeding the process along.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Nipple tweaks? Really? I suppose I’ve never actually tried it, but I thought that was something chicks enjoyed. Can I get an amen from Slash, Clare, FMRA or somebody? What do you think about a guy that wants that kind of thing? I’ve never been accused of having a closed mind, but I’m not going to jump in with both feet just yet.
/doesn’t mind a good ballsqueeze
March 12th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
@ the wholef’n show – i lasted a week and a half, too… prayed for forgiveness and have been good for the last week.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
@ KD – more guys do it than you think.. it’s an erogenous zone…so why the hell not.. it all started when this chick was kissin my chest and started lickin my nipples.. it was like HELLLLLLO! .. and the rest is history
March 12th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Also, anyone got a history on the nomenclature of Russian? Are they especially good at titfucks? Inquisitive minds demand answers!
March 12th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Also what I would like to know from the ladies re: nipple play is whether they think it is a weird request for a guy to have. I make it pretty frequently so hopefully not.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I, too, didn’t know that the tittyfuck was called a “Russian”. I thought the tittyfuck’s alternate name was “A Waste Of Energy When There Are At Least Two Better Places To Stick Your Penis.”
This could give a new meaning to “Russian Dressing”.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@KD’s185
I can’t explain the whole history, but I know that sticking it anywhere other than the holiest of holies is named after various Euro nations.
French = blowjob
Greek = anal (goes along with old “Greek love” euphemism, etc.)
Italian = sticking it between the buttcheeks without penetrating anus (highly underrated, more fun than Russian, and an excellent compromise for or first step toward anal, for those interested)
Spanish = ass-to-mouth
March 12th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
@John Whorfin – too bad you misunderstood what I said. So let me explain- I’d wager a lot of people reading this aren’t in relationships where they’re getting laid on a REGULAR BASIS. Yes, anyone (well, most) can go out and have a one nighter, but if you’ve got more than only that, hell, be thankful. However, there is always room for improvement and imagination (and experimentation).
We all have standards. Hope you can find someone (or have found someone) who can live up to yours.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
The real crime isn’t that you’re foolish enough to give up masturbation for lent. I’d argue that it’s the fact that you’re retarded enough to think that stopping for a few weeks is going to please some magical sky creature who hears you whisper when you’re scared and provides an answer to questions you’re too dense to comprehend.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
RE Navin R. Johnson Says:
“Does it involve a midget and a goat?”
Close, but no. That would be the Haitian Jerk.
I think I’m gonna make up a bunch of bullshit sex slang and start posting it on various sites full of young people (Facebook and the like) and see how far any of them gets (the slang, that is).
RE John Whorfin: I can’t imagine why you’d have trouble getting laid for free. You seem like such a nice guy.
RE nipples: as far as I’m concerned, few areas of the body are “unusual” in terms of stimulation. I mean, there are places many people won’t go, but I’m not under the impression nipples are one of them. They’re ideally located, it wouldn’t occur to me that men would find it unpleasant to have those paid attention to. Pinching is painful, though. Nipples are sensitive – in my opinion, they shouldn’t be pinched. I’m sure there are chicks who would disagree, but I doubt they’re the majority.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
@KD’s185: Re: Nips.
It depends on the dude. I’ve been with dudes who were indifferent or like, “What are you doing? That tickles.” I was with a guy who hated it (which of course made me want to do it more). I’ll never forget the guy who loved it and groaned and writhed with pleasure when I did it.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
The whole giving up for Lent thing seems kinda pointless to me. I get the “symbolic sacrifice” bit, but to me, a symbolic (ie, temporary) sacrifice is kinda stupid.
As far as self-control, if you’ve lost jobs or been arrested as a result of too much masturbation, yeah, I’d say you have a problem. But if you’re jerkin’ it in a lawful manner (in the relative privacy of your own home) and aren’t missing days at work because you just gotta masturbate, I’d say you’re probably well within average. In America, anyway.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I am also unfamiliar with the “Russian” nomenclature. I prefer to call it the Hawaiian Muscle Fuck.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Oh, I almost forgot: thanks big time for that picture of the farmer’s daughter.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Isn’t ‘closer’ by nine inch nails still the song to bone to?
also, i saw this chick who had a thing for listening to ‘take a bow’ by muse while we boned. seemed weird, but whatever, i like music and i like fucking so both was fine.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
@Nikki
I love you.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:39 am
@Charlie Villanuevas Eyebrows – hmm, could be love/hate. But intra-divisional relationships are pretty hot, ain’t gonna lie to you.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:53 am
130-somethin posts and nobody suggested the ole Dutch Rudder to Jack Mehoff? for shame
March 13th, 2009 at 12:58 am
/ Cracks open 6th beer
So this is about the time of the mailbag when we come to terms with ourselves.
OK that was me with the rub and tug thing. All true stories. Thanks for the advice, Drew. For the official record. No. I am not married. Any more. Also for the record, I have 2 daughters, 27 and 19 who have both moved away and have pretty impressive lives of their own going. I have a really nice place on the LA harbor. I can walk to the beach in about 15 minutes. I refuse to say anything about my fantastic job because, well…
But..I’m not sure I want to go through with the relationship thing again. My first and only wife, the mother of my daughters, put me through an excruciating, soul-crushing, life-altering hell. Not that it matters but I paid a little over $1,000.00 monthly for over 6 years and an additional $600.00 for the next four years.
Four years. A normal man couldn’t handle that much pressure. But Andy was strong. He could handle the pressure.
To summarize, I’ve had 5 relationships (with girls!) over the past 10 years. The last one broke my heart. And I just think it’s easier to watch the game, drink copious amounts of alcohol, blog with you guys (some of my best friends), jerk off and go to bed.
AMIWRONG?
March 13th, 2009 at 1:01 am
@ yeah, right?
Why settle for the rub & tug? You have access to much better service than that in LA.
March 13th, 2009 at 1:26 am
chrissy mason the big booty sex kitten is chrissy mason,and she did porn between 1999 and 2006.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:53 am
We feel you Andy.
You’re only wrong if you think that there is absolutely no potential in finding a new long term companion at this point…not old enough to make this call for you, but all of the pleasures you list (particularly when you can purchase orgasms) are pretty compelling.
Head scratches are cool too though, i guess.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:34 am
@ yeah, right?: I’ve got two young daughters and WAS making OK money I guess, but not great, and I am paying $1200 a month. The great news is I am getting laid off the end of this month. Unemployment won’t even cover my child support. DOH!
/if i get locked up for not being able to pay child support I’ll write letters in of the interviews I do with Matt Jones, DMX, and Mike Vick.
/SWAK
March 13th, 2009 at 10:14 am
@Mr. S-my-D:
So, let me get this straight. You are worried about getting herpes. But instead of using a condom to put some protection between her
and your cock, you decide it’s a much better idea to chow her box? Fucking retarded…..
March 13th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Titty fucking rules! A lot of women don’t understand it, and it is kind of dumb in it’s way, but it RULES!!! You also can’t get…
HERPES: can be nasty and painful business but it is not as contagious as all that and everyone reacts differently when they contract it. Depending on which variant (Herpes II is more intense than I, which is mostly cold sores) it can manifest itself in many ways, warts, cold sores, Bells Palsy, Shingles, even the fucking chicken pox…All from the same family of virus! As others already stated she was up front which is bonus and respectful, the Valtrex keeps it pretty suppressed and it really only gets on ya during outbreaks(with some minor percentages of exception). Should be noted that the virus is smaller than the molecular density of condoms though so during break-outs I recommend abstaining.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@dAndy: Holy shit, dude. All I can say is the time passes. Slowly, but it passes. Sorry to hear about the job. At least the job market is going… Fuck, man. If my company was hiring I would throw you a rope.
I had a chance at a solid relationship a few months ago but she had 2 daughters ages 2 and 5 and I backed out because I couldn’t put myself through that again. As Mott the Hoople once said “once bitten twice shy”. Yes it was Mott the Hoople not those big haired Great White pussies.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:47 am
The female orgasm… THAT’S the myth
For you maybe. I’ve got three words to describe it…ANTI. LOCK. BRAKES.
Think about it.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Two Teddy Pendergrass faves that will get the party started
“Turn off the Lights”
“Love TKO”
Teddy liked to scare the panties off the chicks back in the day, so why not use the same tactics?
March 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am
damn that excruciating, soul-crushing, life-altering hell!!! once is enough, for sure.
and Clare, they’re called Kegels – do them every day and empower your vag, the thing that will get you there quickest is daily kegels…and its good for your blood pressure, too! :D
March 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
So….. premarital sex is still a sin in the Catholic Church, right? So you give up spankin’ it for Lent to please your Invisible Giant, but still bang the chick you’re living in sin with? I suppose you could be married but even then there’s all the weird hangups about procreation only.
It’s just the random picking and choosing of rules for lent I find amusing. If you really believed there was a river of fire and eternal damnation, you wouldn’t fuck around and randomly choose rules to follow, you’d be on that shit. So you don’t really believe, stop pretending.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
How the fuck do you pronounce “shitxty”?
March 13th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Yeah, bobman. I grew up Protestant but I’m pretty sure you can’t give up a sin for lent.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
@ samsquantch – the entire Avalon album? Come on now. If most guys could get through, “More Than This”, they would be doing well, especially given that it may conjure up images of Scarlett Johansson in, “Lost in Translation”.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
BDD has it totally wrong. Lent sucks, but for a completely different reason. I had all my friends put shitty things to guive up in a bowl and we picked randomly. I got “no cups or bottles.” We had just turned 21 and were going to bars, so I had to constantly ask, “do you have bowls; Could I get that beer in a bowl?” Talk about degrading.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I am retardedly late again, so no advice. I’m sure you lot have set the entire world straight on the do’s and don’ts of sex anyways.
I would like to say, however, that the herpes girl is a fucking SAINT for apparently being really into the guy, finally getting him in bed, and then ADMITTING she has herpes. Would there be a single fucking guy in the world who would admit he has herpes right before he gets to bag a hot chick?
That’s a good woman there. Apparently Valtrex works so well now that Herpes is hardly anything to worry about anymore. Bag her!
March 13th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
and I just think it’s easier to watch the game, drink copious amounts of alcohol, blog with you guys (some of my best friends), jerk off and go to bed.
AMIWRONG?
Not at all. I think quite a few people come upon a point in their life where they just don’t want to bother with all the hassle of a relationship anymore. And it IS a lot of hassle.
But still, a rub & tug? If you’ve got a good job and can afford it, why not get yourself laid with a FINE hooker and then get an excellent massage at one of those fancy places?
A rub & tug is like the 5 dollar blowjob from the Haitian crackwhore on the corner with the three missing teeth. I guess it’s fine if you only have 5 dollars, but if you’ve got 50 bucks, why not let the college coed that posed for a swimsuit calendar do it?
March 13th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I’m a doctor. I’d be glad to provide genuine medical accents (through your filter, for interest and humor) to your answers. Tell me when to be drunk and I’m there.
In my opinion, screw herpes. It’s like chicken pox. We’ve all got it. To turn down an Amazon with a sense of humor because she has a couple of bumps every six months is insane.
But then, your readers, I’ve noticed, are indeed insane, so maybe it’s not such a silly issue.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
all these people who need advice to try xyz sex act:
Just go ahead and do it after you’ve worked her up a bit, and she’s stops you, say “I thought you loved me” (long time girlfriend), or “I thought you’d like it” (random ho).
It’s not rocket surgery.
March 14th, 2009 at 2:39 am
@Needs More Cheerleaders Says: “why not get yourself laid with a FINE hooker and then get an excellent massage at one of those fancy places?”
It is wisdom you speak. Pure wisdom. I do have the disposable cash and I aim to have a much classier form of ejaculate material.
Why the fuck should I settle for Carl’s Jr when I could have Ruth’s Chris?
March 14th, 2009 at 8:52 am
@LentRules: I’m not sure if you were aware, but they sell beer in these containers called “cans” now.
March 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@LentRules
“Glasses” will also generally do the trick at a bar. Although the idea of a friend of mine being forced to drink beer from a bowl at a bar all night is very hilarious.
March 16th, 2009 at 9:25 am
@Jigga: Lady in question is Crissy Moran. Set aside at least two nights to work through her internet catalog. Mostly works solo.