It’s mailbag time again. Time to rip open your envelopes, pin down your letters, and have my way with them. Significant tearing may occur. Got a football question and a sexual issue you need to bring to full release? Email us here. As always, points awarded for brevity and sincerity.

KSK Homo Mob–
Recently, a very good female friend introduced me to a friend of hers who she has been trying to get me to meet for years. Sure enough, this girl (we will call her ‘Big Bird’, as she is 6′ tall) is right in my wheelhouse…witty, good taste in media, smart, and absolutely BANGING. Skinny, but has a real thick butt, real purty mouth, and probably top-2 legs of any girl that has been stupid enough to kiss me. Pretty much I fell in love with her from the introduction. First night we ever hang out, easy hook-up; second time we hang out, total nudity is introduced and it is pretty clear that Poundtown is the next destination on the train. But then, a very very unsexy detour, as Big Bird mentions….

“Okay just so you know before we go any further, I have herpes. It’s not contagious unless I have an outbreak which I absolutely don’t have right now, and with a condom and my medication it is really not a big deal, but I thought that you should be informed.”

WHATTTTTTTTTTT? I guess I am just naive, but this was my first time being in any situation approaching this, and immediately was thrown off. I am a very considerate person, so I played it off like it was no big deal, although I did lie and say ‘thats cool I gave up orgasms for lent’ so as to not make it insulting that I did not want her near my penis. I DID however still go down on her for a while, because she was too hot for me to not do anything to, and I really enjoy eating downtown. My questions, as I know nothing about herpes (although I am getting a crash course in it via Wikipedia)…

1. Because I find this girl insanely desirable, I am seriously considering trying to play safe and hope that through caution, I can avoid contracting herp myself and still date the best prospect I have seen in sometime. Is this realistic?
2. If I did (allah forbid) date her for a while and manage to score myself some H, how devastating to my career would that be? Like I said, I’m pretty naive about these things and my typical concern is usually ‘just dont get anybody preggers’
3. She was right and I have no reason to be worried about having gone down on her for a while, right? Right??
4. Football: Can Jake Delhomme ever win a Super Bowl, keeping in mind that Steve Smith and Deangelo are really, really good? And if JPep demands to leave, who are the sorts of players the Panthers should try to demand in return?

KSK: Because WebMD doesn’t make dick jokes

sincerely,
Mr. S-my-D

Well, I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes.

So careful with the oral. You’re almost certainly fine after your little session the other day. But in the future, I suggest you use a tongue condom. Ever use a lambskin tongue condom? Like licking velvet.

The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!

And no, Delhomme is fucking toast. Sorry.

First of all football. Always. Is Cutlerfucker worth a second year of spent draft choices to help propel the Mighty Norse to the here-to-fore never attained level of 0-5 in the Superbowl pantheon?

Sex question regards the Asian Rub & Tug?

Say for instance you haven’t had real sex in awhile. And by “awhile” I mean a really long time. This does not include the Bourbon Street handy nor the North Las Vegas Strip handy. When is it OK to get a “back rub” with “Happy Ending?”

And when do you become the creepy old guy who comes here for a rub-n-tug?

I gots to know.

When do I become “The Creepy Old Guy”?

You’re only a creepy old guy if you go to a rub ‘n’ tug when you’re married and/or have children. If you’re single, by all means go for the Spanish Egg Roll. Nothing beats a half-assed handjob from a Korean woman with and cat’s disposition and no inner soul.

As for Cutler, I’d love to see the Vikes trade for him. Is he worth a first rounder? Fuck and yes. Would the Vikings win a Super Bowl with him at the helm? No. Not with Chilly running things. Then again, they seem quite pleased with what they have. Excuse me while I go to shoot people from a clock tower now. PEW PEW PEW!

Dear Internet Losers:

Football: is Sproles worth a higher pick next year than Tomlinson?

Now that that is out of the way… I want to get my fiance to watch porn with me, because porn is awesome. How do I broach this subject? And do you have any suggested titles that we could start out with?

Thanks,

Tom

See, I think Tomlinson’s value has fallen so far now that it’s practically pre-ordained he’ll bounce back and have a kickass season. I see him splitting carries 50/50 with Toto Sproles, in which case he’s easily worth a mid-round pick, particularly if Sproles goes before him.

As for the porn thing, has she expressed any interest previously in watching porn? No? Then don’t even try. Chances are, she’ll balk at the suggestion. The only way to truly gauge her interest without offending her is if you have premium cable. If you’re in bed flipping around one night, and you “happen” upon a soft core Skinemax flick, then you keep it on and pretend you’re watching it as a kind of goof, then give her a raised eyebrow, then maybe MAYBE you’ll get a rise out of her.

But if you bring home a copy of ASS WORSHIP and slip it under her pillow, expect her to pawn her ring within a month.

Dear Assaulters of the Arse,
Football: What kind of impact (and numbers) do you expect Sir Owens to put up on North America’s team? Are we to trust the arm of Trend Edwards? Or should we not even bother considering him a top 5 WR?

Sex: I have decided to give up masturbation for Lent, but sex is still allowed. My questions is as follows:

Does (self) nipple tweaking during sex count as masturbation? Also, how normal is it that I do it? I’ve heard about 50% of guys need that additional stimulation to have an orgasm. I don’t think I NEED it, but it adds to the pleasure.

Jack Mehoff

You gave up masturbation for Lent? What are you, a fucking idiot? I find this whole Lent thing completely retarded. Hey, let me give up something I like for an arbitrary amount of time, then go right back to doing it! That’ll make me a better person! Idiotic. Jerk it. Jesus forgives you. He’s a laid back fellow like that.

As for the nipple tweaking, whatever floats your boat, brother. Nipple tweaking, taint rubbing, ball slapping… if it gets you off, game on. Is nipple tweaking masturbation? Only if your nipple is located at the tip of your penis. (This is common in Eskimo men.)

Dear esteemed minds at KSK,

Sex question: Is there anything more annoying than getting ready to watch some high-quality Asian porn and then seeing that the movie is from Japan, and thus the genitals are blurred out? Japanese people are known for having some of the most perverse minds in the world. Why the hell is this possible/allowed?

Fantasy question: I have Matt Cassel in a keeper league. What sort of production should I expect out of him next year, and is he worth being named a starter in a 10-team league?

Best Regards,

The Chili Guy

If blurred genitals are the only unpleasant surprise you experience while watching Japanese porn, consider yourself fortunate. For all you know, they’re also blurring out an eel. If you’re looking for an explanation of Japanese sexual mores, I can’t help you there. Those people are fucking bizarre.

I expect Matt Cassel to give you average QB production next year, probably in that 20-24 TD range. I’d say, in a ten-team league, you’ll need to make sure you have a second solid QB like Schaub so you can play matchups.

Lords of Suckdom,

Is Cutler hosed as a fantasy QB this upcoming season?

What is the etiquette when a girl accidentally pisses on you during intercourse?

With hope,
Mr Peed Upon.

I see no reason why Cutler can’t be as good as he was last year, fantasy-wise.

The logical thing to do if a girl pisses on you during intercourse is to return the favor and pull an R. Kelly. But I suggest taking the high road. Play it cool, clean it up, and act like it’s no big deal. You’ll have saved her a lot of potential embarrassment, and in return she’ll be willing to do all sorts of kinky shit, like piss on you.

Hey you homos of the queeracopalypse,

Sex: I’ve been dating this new lady friend at work for the past 3 weeks. The going is good and she doesn’t bother me at work with the awfulness that is public displays of affection. I guess it’s the trade off for the weird thing she does during our alone time. It isn’t the body movements or the fact that she likes to keep her socks on. No. This is weirder than even of that. My lady friend is a 23 year old senior graduate student at an Ivy League school with zero emotional problems except… she likes to play the Backstreet Boys during intercourse.

I WANT IT THAAAAAAAT WAY… (THAT way means anal! It’s true! Everyone knows THIS way means regular sex and THAT way means Route Shitxty Six!)

I’m not talking about the love songs either. Uptempo and full on gay pop/hip hop shit they came to be known for (her favorite at the moment – Everybody remix) before N’Sync thankfully destroyed them with their waves of uber gayness.

What can I do to ween her off this terrible ear fucking and get her down on some slow jams like Parliament and the P-Funks? What? Never had sex to George Clinton? Try it sometime.

Football: Why did San Fran resign Small Hands Alex but tow the line at signing a dynamic (albeit huge asshole) like Terrell Owens that would help the offense more than a backup riding pine? Mad Mike needs all the crazy he can find to feed his crazy brain.

Zero emotional problems, eh? Does she have ninety Pound Puppies surrounding her bed, too?

I think the only way to ween her off the Backstreet Boys fetish is to simply ask her politely if you can try other music sometimes. I think it’s fair that, for every time you do it to “Quit Playing Games With My Heart”, you’re allowed to trot out a P Funk or Jimmy Cliff or Otis Redding record. Hopefully, she’ll enjoy the variety. And if she doesn’t… then buy her a Howie Dorough blowup doll and kick her Ivy League ass to the curb. Or give her herpes.

I have no earthly idea why the 49ers resigned Alex Smith. Only the Dan Orlovsky signing was dumber.

KSK,

Sex:
I’m in a steady relationship with a girlfriend of almost one year and we have a healthy sexual life, even though it’s quite tame and nothing out of the ordinary. As you know everybody has a fantasy, and mine’s to get a Russian (Ed note: this means a tittyfuck. I was not aware of that. Suddenly I feel very unhip.). Not too big, not too small, just perky enough to enclose my junk in between them like a hotdog bun.

Of course the thing is, my girlfriend’s not really the cardboard type, but she’s not really endowed either. Plus I don’t even know how to bring that up to her. She’s pretty conservative about sex, so it’s not like I can offer her a return with her own fantasy, that is if she has one / that eager to have that come true as I am with them sweater puppies. So my question is, is it considered cheating if say I resorted to outside (professional / not) help?

Yes.

I love my girlfriend very much

Except I’d like to tittyfuck other women!

and our relationship has gone pretty well so I can assure you I can control myself just to get some nice titfuck, nothing more.

Because most guys exercise complete and total self-control when their genitals are placed between another woman’s breasts and at the tip of her chin. Why, that’s barely flirting!

Sorry, buddy. It’s cheating. Suck it up.

Football:
We know their age, and we know that they can still play, so will MarHar and Garcia get signed by any teams this season? I just don’t read any news about them visiting / getting offers at all so far.

MarHar’s a different case from Garcia because MarHar has been freshly outed as some kind of bizarre Philadelphia neighborhood kingpin. Pretty impressive for a guy with no tongue. (That’s what you get when you don’t use tongue condoms) Dunno if teams really like that new fact about him. There’s also the possibility that MarHar doesn’t WANT to come back and play, so that clouds things a bit.

I’m sure both players have gotten offers, but are waiting until after the June 1st cuts (and possibly into training camp) to see which teams are going to be truly desperate for their services. I’m sure Gay Zorro will ride again. After all, Gay Zorro’s got a Valtrex prescription co-pay to worry about.