Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of possessive way. She just wants to love and help care for John as if he were her own. And Gisele, I think we have to be sensitive to Bridget’s feelings as a hard-working mom. I know this isn’t the easiest of situations, but I think we can turn it into something really beneficial if we’re just open and honest with one another.

I’d like us to all bury the hatchet, and put our personal arguments aside for the sake of John. Gisele and Bridget, I’d like you two to kiss and make up.

Yes. Get closer. Don’t be shy.

Yes, that’s it.

Wow.

Bridget, could you maybe let your hair down? I know you have your hair up in a ponytail after going on your run wearing nothing more than a sports bra and a pair of tight black spandex boy shorts. But if you could just let it fall, and cascade down around your shoulders… yes, just like that. Now kiss and make up again.

Oh yeah, I mean REALLY make up. Make up far more than is necessary. God, that’s amazing. Not so deep with the tongue, Gisele! This isn’t a race. This is an important family bonding moment for us. I want us to savor it. I want us to wallow in it. Just sort of open your mouths and let them hover. Tease each other with your tongues. Oh, yes. That rules. Gisele, arch your back more, like you did in that Ipex ad. I mean, really stick your tits out. Oof. Incredible.

Now Gisele, let’s take Bridget’s sports bra off. SLOWLY! Again, no need to rush here. We want to be gentle with each other, and sensitive to each other’s needs. For example, I know Gisele likes having the top of her asscrack tickled. Bridget, could you…?

Damn.

This is incredible. I mean, this is just such a special moment for all of us. I think we’ve made a real breakthrough here today. I want you two to think of each other as friends, even sisters. Really, really smoking hot sisters who can’t keep their hands off one another. Gisele, strip down to nothing but your denim cutoff thong.

Good golly.

I’m so proud of you both. I think we’re all showing great maturity in dealing with this situation. You know, not every family has to be a regular nuclear family these days. I think we’re part of a new trend of American childrearing. Now Gisele, if you could just slowly peel off Bridget’s boy shorts while she bends over and gently massages your churrascaria, that would be awesome.

Holy shit, that IS awesome. Okay, that’s the fuckiest hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I could watch a thousand pornos and bang a thousand chicks and I still would never get a mental image that incredible. I mean, HOLY FUCK. Honestly, I’d rather masturbate to you two than have actual sex with a lower tier of woman. This is that fucking sweet.

What a moment. Lemme get my camera. And a strap-on. Bridget, do you know how to use a strap-on? Yep, it goes around just like that, then you buckle it. Now, come behind Gisele. Yes, that’s right. Now grab her hips. Like this, almost like you’re pushing a breakfast cart around. And you just want to thrust your hips forward into her. Just bring the hips forward. Now, just keep doing it, sort of get a rhythm…

Yes.

Yes, that’s it. Just bury it to the goddamn hilt.

Good fucking God. That is so fucking hot. I’m taking my pants off. THE PANTS ARE OFF, PEOPLE.

Here’s what I’d like to do, FOR OUR FAMILY. Bridget, I’d like you to sit on my face. Now Gisele, come over here and ride me cowgirl style. Now make out while both of you straddle me. I call this the Holy Trinity.

Mmmff! Mmmmmmphfff! Frnnnff!

Oh, man.

Sweet Lord Jesus.

I am a lucky man, girls. Hang on, let me get my goat. What the…

(door flies open)

Tommy: Holy shit! It’s Gisele Bundchen and Bridget Moynihan with Tawmmy Brady! AND THEY’RE-AH ALL FACKIN’ EACH OTHAH! MY CAWK JUST BLEW APAHHHHHT!

This is the fackin’ hawttest threesome EVAH! And we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, made it happen! OW-UH SPART HERO THREESOMES AHHH HAWTTAH THAN YAR SPART HERO THREESOMES! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

You think Jetah would have a fackin’ threesome this hawt? He’d prawbably just head to Jersey and go fack Mariah Carey and Jordana Brewstah! THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINED THE SUPER BOWL FARTY TWO AFTAH PAHHHTY WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF THAT DAHHHHKIE HAD CAWLED A FAY-UH GAME! Keep fackin’ those two, Tawm! DON’T LET ME CAWKBLAWK YAH!

(sits backwards on nearby chair, whips out tin of Kodiak)

Brady: Shit. I need to lock the door next time we spend quality family time together.