My fellow Americans:

For too long we considered terrorism something that happened to other countries. But the tragic events of September 11, 2001 put this nation on notice that our borders are susceptible to the scourge of those who attempt to undermine our way of life. Today I am serving notice of my own, should the unthinkable ever happen again, you cannot sue the National Football League.

This country has worked diligently over the past several years to construct a shield comprised of strength, planning and intelligence to protect our citizenry. Only time will tell if this shield will prove to be as effective as the fortification I have constructed around the league’s considerable assets. Some have rightfully criticized America’s response to the threat of terrorism as alarmist and wasteful, the NFL’s response cannot be criticized in that manner. Self-serving, avaristic, short-sighted and insensitive– but not alarmist and wasteful.

And while America can never be 100 percent immune from the threat of terrorist attacks, you can sleep peacefully tonight with the knowledge that the NFL is 100 percent immune from any resulting litigation. I do this not as someone seeking glory and recognition, but as someone with a single, driving purpose—to protect the entrenched business and financial interests of the billionaires whose keep me dancing like the marionette I am.

Of course, we all hope and pray that our efforts are sufficient to discourage further acts of violence. But if the dreaded Moslem menace should strike again, we will emerge from the rubble like the phoenix from the ashes, dust ourselves off with heads held high and loudly proclaim, “Thanks to an act of Congress, you cannot seek legal redress for any damages for which we may be responsible!”

Thank you and God bless the National Football League,

Rog