Coach Haley Is Not Your Waiter
(Chiefs headquarters)
Scott Pioli: And here’s the weight room. We just bought a million bucks worth of Hammer Strength equipment, which of course you have access to at all times.
Matt Cassel: That’s awesome, Mr. Pioli.
Pioli: Also, leave any laundry you wish right on top of your locker box. Our equipment managers will have it washed and folded for you the next day, any day you leave it. And if you have any training table requests, let us know and they’ll be added to the spread within a week.
Cassel: Wow. That’s amazing. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be here, Mr. Pioli. Really. I’m excited to get to work and help turn this team around.
Pioli: Glad to have you here, too.
Cassel: Although, I have to ask. I’ve heard some things about coach Haley. I heard he can be a touch… abrasive.
Pioli: Matt, I’ve known Todd Haley for years. And I can tell you that there is no more dedicated and determined coach out there. I promise you you’ll like playing for him.
(Corvette door flies open)
Haley: (takes off sunglasses) Out of my way. THESE HAMMER STRENGTH MACHINES ARE NOT LAID OUT PROPERLY. WHO FUCKED THIS UP?
Cassel: Coach Haley, I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to be here and to play quarterback for the Chiefs.
Haley: Who said you were playing quarterback? What, you think just because you’re here we’re gonna gift you the fucking job? You COMPETE for the job, son. Then maybe, MAYBE, I let you on MY FUCKING FIELD. You hear me, cuntnugget?
Cassel: I’m sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean to be presumptuous. I’m just really happy to be part of this organization, and I look forward to working with you.
Haley: With me? WITH me? What are you, co-head coach now?
Cassel: No, I didn’t mean it like that…
Haley: (chews gum loudly) What, you wanna call the plays now? “Hey, I’m the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because I’m fucking gay and stupid!” Is that what you think will happen?
Cassel: No.
Haley: I CALL THE FUCKING PLAYS. Okay? And you will execute them WITH FUCKING PRECISION AND TO MY FUCKING SATISFACTION. Okay, towel boy? And if you don’t like it, THERE’S THE FUCKING DOOR, BRADY JUNIOR. I didn’t work up to this level just to let some no-name run this team with me. FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER WHO GARGLES COCK FOR LOOSE CHANGE. From now on, I’m nicknaming you Whorechild.
Cassel: I didn’t mean it like that. By working WITH you…
Haley: Let’s get a few things straight, grapenuts. You work FOR me. Understood? FOR me. Are we fucking clear on that? OR ARE YOU FULL RETARD LIKE BRAIN WATERS?
Cassel: Yes, sir. Of course. If you don’t mind, Coach, I’m going to go grab some lunch.
Haley: Lunch? You want lunch? What do you think, we’re some kind of fucking restaurant? You think I’m your fucking waiter?
Cassel: No, that isn’t what I said at all.
Haley: Are you calling me a liar?
Cassel: No!
Haley: Oh, now you’re gonna raise your voice to me? So you think you can waltz the fuck in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR? You think that’s gonna sit well with myself or ownership? (phone call) That’s my phone. IT’S A FUCKING STORM. It’s probably my mistress. She’s a fucking sex kitten. Do you cheat on your wife?
Cassel: No.
Haley: Why not? What are you, a fucking gash?
Cassel: Listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here…
Haley: You accusing me of fucking with your footwork?
Cassel: JESUS! No! I’m just trying to make a good first impression here.
Haley: You’re fucking failing, Whorechild. TODD HALEY IS NO MAN’S FOOD BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe fucking Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here. Maybe he made you Jello Jigglers just the way widdle wubbzy zubbzy likes them. MAYBE HE WORE A FUCKING GIMP OUTFIT AND LET EVERYONE SHOVE CUCUMBERS UP HIS GAPING TAN ASSHOLE. But that is not how I do business. Are you telling me you want little Herm Food Bitch Edwards to be your coach now?
Cassel: No! I’ve never even met Herm Edwards!
Haley: You calling me a liar AGAIN?
Cassel: I’m just going to stop talking now.
Haley: Stop talking? Who said you could stop talking? DID WE NOT BRING YOU IN HERE TO BE A FUCKING LEADER, YOU FUCKING TURTLE DICK?
Cassel: Yes, sir.
Haley: You got a real fucking attitude problem, Whorechild. You want to be here very long, you better adjust your fucking attitude AND NOT TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THEY’RE YOU’RE FUCKING JELLO WHORE. I’m a selfish coach, nutrag. I WANT TO WIN AND I WANT TO WIN NOW. I WANT PLAYERS WHO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS TO PLAY FOR TODD FUCKING HALEY. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I HOPE YOUR FUCKING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS.
Cassel: Holy shit, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.
Haley: FUCKING COUNT ON IT.
(leaves)
Pioli: Like I said. Once you get to know Coach Haley, you really begin to understand where he’s coming from.
Cassel: How long have you known him?
Pioli: Oh, we haven’t really on speaking terms for a few decades.
Tags: anyone named todd is bound to be a prick, Big Daddy Drew, declaring yourself a selfish coach is always a good move, people who turn everything into an argument, seriously name him the starter already, Todd Haley: Huge Asshole
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
March 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Cutlerfucker and Haley would get along just great.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
So you think you can waltz the fuck in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR?
It’s quite amazing how Haley can distort harmless things so badly. Are we sure he’s not a woman?
March 4th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Chiefs and Chargers share a division. That’s two potential meetings of Coach Haley and Marmalard.
/giddy!
March 4th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I’m reading all of the Haley posts with the voice of Sergeant Hartman (it started it as Joe Pesci, but Hartman definitely fits Haley’s character better). Just out of curiosity, what voice do you guys hear when you read this?
March 4th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Haley still isn’t as much fun as JJ. Isn’t it about time we got caught up on the happenings down Dallas way?
March 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I second the Hartman voice.
Also, I thought the title said Charles Haley. I was not disappointed though. Coach Haley is my new favorite recurring character.
Cock Gargler WILL be said to someone today.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
No, Coughlin is the drill sergeant. Haley is just a prick.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
fuck, you’re right, i’ve been reading both characters with the same voice and haven’t realized it. you got suggestions for Haley
March 4th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Robert De Niro a la Taxi Driver for Haley’s voice.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
no, de niro wasnt an arrogant dick though, i tried it and it doesnt work
March 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Maybe there can be a bizarro-world post where JJ is the owner, Haley’s the coach and Laserface is the QB. KSK’s collective head might explode from these personalities.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Randy Macho Man Savage in full rant voice works nicely for me.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Hint: “And watch out for that crowd you’re running around with — don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
March 4th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Dazed and Confused. Well played Drew.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
NOW STOP MAKING ME REVEAL MY MAGIC.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Randall Floyd, you’re in need of a serious attitude adjustment young man.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Haley and Larry Johnson are going to be BFFs…
March 4th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Haley coaching the destined-to-finish-6-10 Chiefs is a huge waste. Why isn’t the man working for Fox News?
March 4th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
You can also imagine Haley speaking like the Sack Lodge character in Wedding Crashers, and it’s equally funny.
“Hey, I’m the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because I’m fucking gay and stupid!” – This nearly made me piss myself.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I thought that Scott Linehan had conclusively proven that NFL players don’t respond well to being screamed at by little cunts. That said, R. Lee Haley has a chance to ascend to the Pantheon of KSK greats. The Chiefs had best unfuck themselves.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
We like to think he’s a whisper yeller like Pacino. You watch his press conferences it’s clearly quiet rage perhaps more so than even belichick, the eyes are terrifying.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Thank God the Broncos and Chiefs play twice a year! Super-AIDS VS Psycho-Haley…that will be interesting…
March 4th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
what voice do you guys hear when you read this?
Is Hartman the guy from Full Metal Jacket? If so, I’m right there with ya.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Used to dream of KSK finally paying attention to the Chefs with some parody… now not so sure. Haley’s voice needs smartass… like Jeremy Piven.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I HOPE YOUR FUCKING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS
wow. just…wow
March 4th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Next person to suggest we make our posts more quasi-Pivenesque gets shot on sight.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Seriously, if this Todd guy lasts for two complete seasons, I’ll sample from Drew’s emergency bag of dicks.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Needs more quasi-Pivenness.
/bails
March 4th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Hint: “And watch out for that crowd you’re running around with — don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
Great, now I get to picture that lardass coach in his short shorts every time I watch the Chiefs.
“Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!”
March 4th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Goddammit. Im a Chiefs fan, I thought this year was gonna kick assballs, the KSK cockslaps me back to reality. Thanks for shitting on my dreams.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
OR ARE YOU FULL RETARD LIKE BRAIN WATERS?
You go retard if you drink the Brain Waters in K.C.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/suicide_letter_full_of_simpsons
A lot of Simpsons quotes on this site…just sayin
March 4th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
If Todd Haley coached Kenny Powers all would be right in this world.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
“Just out of curiosity, what voice do you guys hear when you read this?”
Oddly enough, Beegees music. What the feck?
March 4th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Vanity plate of Haley’s Vette: N CHRG
March 4th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Todd Haley seems like the rich jock villain in an ’80s teen comedy. So he’s due for some comeuppance. Oh yeah, he’s going to coach the Chiefs.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I have a feeling “Whorechild” is going to catch on.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Actually, I given the Vette, the shades, and the douchy jerkoff expression, I kinda had him pegged with a real cocky James Woods voice (redundant?), a la Any Given Sunday.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Private Cassel, do you suck dicks?
March 4th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
I heard Coach Haley as a kind of mischievous badger.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I also could see this as Neidermeyer from Animal House.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
I heard Mark Metcalf, the guy who played the ROTC commander Colonel Niedermeyer in Animal House. Spittle flying, eyes bulging, neck veins popping, but without the aura of authority that Gunny Hartman carried in discharging his thankless duties.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Does Coach Haley have Asperger’s AND Tourette’s?
March 4th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Coach Haley = Chet from “Weird Science”.
March 4th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
“You donkey dicks couldn’t get laid in a morgue!”
March 4th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I tried reading this with the voice of the principal from the Breakfast Club. Worked to a certain degree. Would have worked very well if John Hughes would have dropped the fuck bomb more often.
“I’m gonna knock your fucking dick in the dirt!”
See? Like that.
March 5th, 2009 at 12:42 am
haven’t been able to keep up with all the posts, so I’m a little confused.
Are Marmalard and Laserface the same person?
Correct me if I’m wrong, the renamed are:
The Sex Cannon- Rex Grossman
Laserface/Marmalard- Rivers
Cutlerfucker-Cutler
and others?
March 5th, 2009 at 2:52 am
Hint: “And watch out for that crowd you’re running around with — don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
Great, now I get to picture that lardass coach in his short shorts every time I watch the Chiefs.
“Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!”
Stupid Sexy Flanders
March 5th, 2009 at 3:32 am
The voice I used for Haley is the principal from Back to the Future. Paxton from Wierd Science works well.
(Every one named “Todd” is a douche nozzle.)
March 5th, 2009 at 3:39 am
@stupid
-Laserface – Phillipe Rivers
-Marmalard – Matt Cassel
-Cutlerfucker – Jay Cutler
-Ben Rongrastname – Ben Rotheliesbergerererer
-Dreamboat Baby – Tom Brady’s lovechild with that whore from “The Recruit”
March 5th, 2009 at 4:08 am
@ stupid
Marmalard and Laseface ARE the same person. (Rivers)
March 5th, 2009 at 4:10 am
Brilliant post! I can’t wait for Chiefs/Chargers (Haley/Marmalard) clash!!!
March 5th, 2009 at 5:08 am
I knew my ex-wife was fkd up, but a sex change for a coaching career?
March 5th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Mr. Pioli got a nice set of them bologna tits.
March 5th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Is the AFC West officially the most entertaining division in the NFL? We’ve got Marmalard, we’ve got LaToeInjury and Tiny Darren, we’ve got Coach Haley, we’ve got Power-AIDS, we’ve got Count Al… They have the greatest number of Karachters-to-Teams ratio in the NFL!
March 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am
That cooch is insane I tells ya, insane in the membrane. He’s going to stroke out during the opening kickoff of the preseason if he keeps this up. But the AFC West should be funny as hell to watch this season.
March 5th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I definitely heard this as Bill Paxon from Weird Science as the older brother. Funny thing is I had to remember the character after I got done reading it. The (chews gum loudly) was what did it.
March 5th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
That grin plastered on Cassel’s face in the picture above is nearly identical to the one Jack Nicholson wore in Batman.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
“TODD HALEY IS NO MAN’S FOOD BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe fucking Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here…Are you telling me you want little Herm Food Bitch Edwards to be your coach now?”
As long as that team looks NFL ready, I don’t care if he fucks Cassel’s mom. Or my own.
Oh, what a shitstain 2008 was…
March 5th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I’m waiting for the meeting between Castle and Thigpen.
Castle: Hi, I’m Matt
Thigpen: Hi, I’m Tyler
Castle: What are you doing with that skeleton?
Thigpen: Uh, nothing. Wanna join me?
Castle: Uh. mabye later….