Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw Can Cut A Dog In Half Faster Than Regular Dog Saws!
Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?
You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!
It’s Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw! We all know sawing off the limbs and heads of your dog can be a real pain! Blood goes everywhere. Your wrists get sore. AND THAT FUCKING DOG WON’T STOP BARKING. SHUT UP, DOG. YOU BARK BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOW TO TALK. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, DOG. BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE MY PRECIOUS TALKING PILLOW. IT HOLDS THE SECRET TO LIFE.
Well, with my new, patented Dog Saw, the everyday chore of butchering your dog is now a snap! The cushioned handle is designed by Oxo for maximum comfort! No more pulling up halfway through your dog to rest up! And my saw’s teeth are crafted from 100% stainless steel made in China. AND IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO CHOP UP A PUPPY, IT’S THOSE CHINAMEN. This saw don’t bark. IT BITES, BITCH!
My saw blade comes with a lifetime guarantee against corrosion, rust, or dulling. No matter how many dogs you need to cut through, Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is up to the task! AND IT CAN SAW THROUGH ALL BREEDS: Labradors, Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds, Portuguese Water Dogs, Pugs, Greyhounds, Dalmations, German Shepards, those fucking dogs that look like a ballsack. What dog is that again?…
Yeah, that one. I FUCKING HATE THOSE DOGS. STOP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS MY BALLS, DOG. YOU CAN’T FIT IN MY PANTS.
Don’t settle for some fucking pussy faggot dog saw that can only handle Pomeranians. Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is endorsed by the people at Stihl and is the #1 choice for professional dog carvers the world over. It can saw a dog in half TWICE as fast as any other dog saw on the market. LOOK! It can cut through this dog…
And stay razor sharp enough to cut through a tin can, a piece of aluminum siding, and then a nursing student! Like I said: IT BITES, BITCH! Just ask my top customer…
Oh, man.
Oh, shit.
Oh, goddamn bitch.
I AM HIGH.
What we doing here? OH, SNAP! IS THAT AN ALONZO SPELLMAN DOG SAW? THAT’S THE TOP DOG SAW ON THE MARKET! Uh… but, like, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m a reformed now, and I definitely don’t cut up dogs. That is wrong, and you kids shouldn’t, like, do that and shit. I think it may have hurt my throwing motion. THAT’S WHY RODDY WHITE COULDN’T ADJUST.
So yeah, no dog saws for me. Although yeah, Spellman make one good fucking dog saw. That shit’ll never jam up on you. Wait! Don’t quote this in an ad or anything!
You see?! But order your Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw NOW! Supplies are limited, and I must flee for the Ivory Coast before the end of the week! The CIA knows too much. I THINK THEY MAY HAVE FOUND THE BONES IN MY SHED. THOSE ARE NOT MY BONES, MR. MAN.
Order your today by sending $45,000,000 in solid gold coins to this address:
The Small Mound Of Dirt Along I-66.
Manassas, VA
Be sure to send the gold in a bubble pack to prevent denting. Gold is very soft, LIKE A NICE TIT. Order now and I’ll throw in Alonzo Spellman’s Cat Eye Pliers absolutely FREE!
But hurry! YOU AIN’T EVER SAW A DOG SAW LIKE THIS!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, dogs, fine Alonzo Spellman products, michael vick, nightmare fuel, saws, Ufford Photoshops, use your safety goggles, Vick photo courtesy of the onion
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March 26th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I require an endorsement from the shamwow! guy before making my purchase. what does he have to say on the subject?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Oddly enough, none of this fuels nightmares for me. Maybe I should seek help.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:32 am
the dog hate on this blog in the past two days has been off the charts. and i love it.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Guess I’m the only doglover out of this bunch, despite my comments on Michael Vick’s book title yesterday. Anyhow, can we get that bearded guy from the infomercials on ESPN and whatever-other-fucking-products-he-sells-guy to sell this bad boy?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Jeez Drew, that’s just wrong…BTW, could you send one to Tom and Gisele as a wedding present from KSK and its loyal readers.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Alonzo, Alonzo, Alonzo…don’t yell at the ballsack dog for not fitting into your pants. Just buy bigger pants, and everything will work out.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
in the midst of the NFFF tourney, brutal canine murder seems pretty tame by comparison.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
That’s a quality product, Alonzo. Grow a Billy Mays beard and you’ve got a deal.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The cushioned handle is designed by Oxo for maximum comfort!
You know those geniuses at Oxo would figure out how to make killing dogs a comfortable experience for my delicate hands.
/you know we can’t do this all day
March 26th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
The only thing that discusts me more than a super awesome Dog Saw?
…………..Cat Eye Pliers
March 26th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I’ll never look at a Chow-Chow in the same way ever again.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
“And stay razor sharp enough to cut through a tin can, a piece of aluminum siding, and then a nursing student!”
That is ‘American Psyco’ crazy. I wonder if Alonzo watches himself in the mirror when he saws dogs.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
That is ‘American Psyco’ crazy. I wonder if Alonzo watches himself in the mirror when he saws dogs.
i can’t remember if it was in the movie or not, but my favorite part of that book was when the ATM machine display tells patrick bateman, “Feed me a cat.”
March 26th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
That is ‘American Psyco’ crazy. I wonder if Alonzo watches himself in the mirror when he saws dogs.
“Order now and I’ll throw in a full-length mirror, a $30,000,000,000,000,000 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!”
March 26th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Alternate title: Alonzo Spellman Talks To Animals?
March 26th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
No, he is so crazy he makes the dog look in the mirror when he cuts them in half. Then he makes them sniff their own ass before they die.
/okie dokie then have a nice day!
March 26th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
@MC dogcatflawa?
March 26th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Dog saws are nice but dead hooker saws are REALLY useful.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Shh, my dog just walked in the room. I don’t want him to see this post.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Alonzo Spellman has been following the KSK tournament all week and thinking ‘what’s wrong with that?”
March 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
But can it cut a tomato to look like a flower?
March 26th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
“watch how easily I can saw through this blood hound. You followin me camera guy?”
March 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Can I just buy the Cat Eye Pliers? I hate cats, but I loves me some puppies.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Vick definitely got discounts on the saws because he bought in bulk.
March 27th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Order now–in the next twenty minutes cuz we can’t do this all day– and we’ll throw in the Michael Vick Rape Stand, the best rape stand on the market.