Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw! We all know sawing off the limbs and heads of your dog can be a real pain! Blood goes everywhere. Your wrists get sore. AND THAT FUCKING DOG WON’T STOP BARKING. SHUT UP, DOG. YOU BARK BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOW TO TALK. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, DOG. BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE MY PRECIOUS TALKING PILLOW. IT HOLDS THE SECRET TO LIFE.

Well, with my new, patented Dog Saw, the everyday chore of butchering your dog is now a snap! The cushioned handle is designed by Oxo for maximum comfort! No more pulling up halfway through your dog to rest up! And my saw’s teeth are crafted from 100% stainless steel made in China. AND IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO CHOP UP A PUPPY, IT’S THOSE CHINAMEN. This saw don’t bark. IT BITES, BITCH!

My saw blade comes with a lifetime guarantee against corrosion, rust, or dulling. No matter how many dogs you need to cut through, Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is up to the task! AND IT CAN SAW THROUGH ALL BREEDS: Labradors, Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds, Portuguese Water Dogs, Pugs, Greyhounds, Dalmations, German Shepards, those fucking dogs that look like a ballsack. What dog is that again?…

Yeah, that one. I FUCKING HATE THOSE DOGS. STOP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS MY BALLS, DOG. YOU CAN’T FIT IN MY PANTS.

Don’t settle for some fucking pussy faggot dog saw that can only handle Pomeranians. Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is endorsed by the people at Stihl and is the #1 choice for professional dog carvers the world over. It can saw a dog in half TWICE as fast as any other dog saw on the market. LOOK! It can cut through this dog…

And stay razor sharp enough to cut through a tin can, a piece of aluminum siding, and then a nursing student! Like I said: IT BITES, BITCH! Just ask my top customer…

Oh, man.

Oh, shit.

Oh, goddamn bitch.

I AM HIGH.

What we doing here? OH, SNAP! IS THAT AN ALONZO SPELLMAN DOG SAW? THAT’S THE TOP DOG SAW ON THE MARKET! Uh… but, like, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m a reformed now, and I definitely don’t cut up dogs. That is wrong, and you kids shouldn’t, like, do that and shit. I think it may have hurt my throwing motion. THAT’S WHY RODDY WHITE COULDN’T ADJUST.

So yeah, no dog saws for me. Although yeah, Spellman make one good fucking dog saw. That shit’ll never jam up on you. Wait! Don’t quote this in an ad or anything!

You see?! But order your Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw NOW! Supplies are limited, and I must flee for the Ivory Coast before the end of the week! The CIA knows too much. I THINK THEY MAY HAVE FOUND THE BONES IN MY SHED. THOSE ARE NOT MY BONES, MR. MAN.

Order your today by sending $45,000,000 in solid gold coins to this address:

The Small Mound Of Dirt Along I-66.
Manassas, VA

Be sure to send the gold in a bubble pack to prevent denting. Gold is very soft, LIKE A NICE TIT. Order now and I’ll throw in Alonzo Spellman’s Cat Eye Pliers absolutely FREE!

But hurry! YOU AIN’T EVER SAW A DOG SAW LIKE THIS!