All the Bored Office Drones and Mainstream Media Will Look Up and Shout ‘Post Something!’ … And I’ll Look Down and Whisper ‘No.’
SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President. However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost. Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…
VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.
“On Friday night, an All-Pro died. Jared Allen. The Comedian.
“A dangerous drunk. Unpredictable. But one of the best. His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.
“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO. Have to warn the others. Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”
[Nite Cardinal's Apartment]
Nite Cardinal: Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name…
[door flies open]
LaRorschach! What are you doing here?
LaRorschach: Comedian’s dead. Someone threw him out a window. Think killer may be after All-Pros.
Nite Cardinal: Lord help us! I’ll pray for guidance!
LaRorschach: Christ.
Nite Cardinal: Oh, come on now. Am I the only one who honors the Third Commandment any more?
LaRorschach: [walking out] Yes.
[under breath] Possible homosexual. Must investigate further.
[The Offices of Bradymandias, the So-Called Handsomest Man in the World]
Bradymandias: …the Comedian DEAD? But why?
LaRorschach: You’re the one who’s turned a couple lucky wins into worldwide fame and a supermodel wife. You tell me.
Bradymandias: Are you sure it wasn’t a fatal hunting accident? A deadly DUI? Those seem much more probable deaths for him.
LaRorschach: Nope. Splattered on pavement.
Bradymadias: Hm. Well, it’s possible that –
[elevator doors fly open]
Will McDonough: Watch out! It’s Bridget Moynihan! And she’s got a court order to pay child support!
LaRorschach: Outta the way!
Bradymandias: Um, I was ready to jam a cyanide pill in her mouth, but… thanks. How’d you do that?
LaRorschach: She plays fantasy football. Drafted me in the first round. Got what was comin’ to her.
[Rockefeller DVOA Center, Home of Dr. Manninghattan]
LaRorschach: Good evening, Dr. Manninghattan. Came to warn you about –
Dr. Manninghattan: — an All-Pro killer. Yes. I am aware.
LaRorschach: Take it you’re not too concerned about Allen’s death? The future of the NFL could be at stake.
Dr. Manninghattan: The Lombardi Trophy and this stack of cash from Sprint contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there’s no discernible difference. Why should I be concerned?
LaRorschach: Ennk.
Silk Steeler: [mumbling]
LaRorschach: What’d he say?
Dr. Manninghattan: You seem to be upsetting Troy. I think you ought to go.
LaRorschach: With respect, Dr. Manninghattan, I’m not leaving ’til I’ve –
[LaRorschach gets teleported outside]
Dr. Manninghattan: So, want me to replicate myself and double-team you now?
Silk Steeler: [mumbling]
Dr. Manninghattan: Sweet! [high-fives clone]
[TWO HOURS OF EXPOSITION AND ONE PIRATE COMIC LATER]
[Bradymandias's Elaborate Mansion in Southern California]
LaRorschach: So it was you all along!
Bradymandias: Well, not so much me as Belichick. He’s more the idea guy. I just had the capital and influence to make it happen.
Nite Cardinal: But WHY?
Bradymandias: Simple. I missed all of last season with an injury. Another lost season would hamper my endorsement deals as well as my legacy, which will help determine future endorsement deals. I need the NFL to go on, no matter what the cost. Wouldn’t you agree, Dr. Manninghattan?
Dr. Manninghattan: I cannot help but agree. Troy’s Coca-Cola advertisement helped me see the beauty of commercialism tied to the NFL.
LaRorschach: No! Not even in the face of a work stoppage. Never compromise.
Bradymandias: Oh, it’s far too late to stop me. I’ve already launched the nuclear warheads at Pittsburgh. And as the nation reels from the loss of its premier NFL franchise, the two sides of the labor dispute will have no choice but to come to terms and give us a 2009 season. Why, if the Steelers ever play again, it will be in Los Angeles. Ha ha ha!
[long pause]
LaRorschach: That’s it? Nuke Pittsburgh?
Bradymandias: Well… yeah. Doesn’t anyone want to try to stop me?
LaRorschach: Nah.
Nite Cardinal: No.
Dr. Manninghattan: Not especially.
Silk Steeler: [mumbles]
Bradymandias: Cool! I’ll have Will bring in some champagne. Hey, who wants to see my eugenically enhanced sex kitten? I call her Boobasstits.
Tags: captain caveman, fanboygasm, nerds geeks dweebs herbs and assorted loserdom, Ufford Photoshops, whatever the graphic novel was way better, yeah i like the movie what of it?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:05 am
I liked the ending, a lot.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Such a crap movie.
/needed more Boobasstits
March 12th, 2009 at 9:12 am
So does this make Peezy the newsstand vendor?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:18 am
does this mean i don’t have to see the movie now?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Needed the scene where they shoot at Bradymandias. The shooter is Cassel. The victim is Bridget Moynihan. But that was during the two hours of exposition.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Mighty fine work, CC.
Troy as Silk Spectre was inspired, but I’m mad as hell I didn’t think of Jared Allen as the Comedian. With that mullet, you know he’s got a dark sense of humor.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:27 am
LaRorschach is wonderful. And Doc manninghattan is just downright creepy. Well played.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Greatest Post Ever
March 12th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Bravo sir.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Nerds
March 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am
So does this make Peezy the newsstand vendor?
FIX YO HEADLINE!
March 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
It was hard to read this without being surrounded by cheering nerds.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:47 am
[mumble]
March 12th, 2009 at 9:51 am
How come we didn’t get to see Dr. Pey Pey’s blue schlong? Just sayin…
March 12th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Shouldn’t you be home playing with your computer, Urkel?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:53 am
“Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children.”
So now I’m retarded?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:57 am
that was really good. maybe Matt Millen as Moloch?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Yeah – I don’t get it.
Watchman, maybe?
March 12th, 2009 at 10:01 am
/Slow clap…
March 12th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Well, thanks to KSK I have another awesomely misogynistic term for women. Boobasstits is awesome.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:12 am
“Drafted me in the first round. Got what was comin’ to her.”
So she got ass fucked repeatedly and left to bleed to death in the woods?
March 12th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Bravo, sirs. Bravo. That was inspired.
/slow clap
//off to play Dungeons & Dragons
/// no, really.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I don’t get it, but it ended the way my fantasies always do. So bravo.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I’m a warrior of the Marvel Comics Tribe, so I don’t know much about “Watchmen”. What I do know a lot about is abattoirs full of retarded children.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Possible homosexual. Must investigate further.
Without going too much into the movie (which on balance was a pretty solid adaptation of the graphic novel), the omission of this line and the scene that preceded it was unforgivable. Also, Rorschach’s character says far more things indicating his “never compromise, never surrender” attitude in the book which were good dialogue and gave more insight into his character and should’ve made it into the movie (though again, Rorschach’s portrayal all around was awesome).
/adjust nerd glasses with index finger
March 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Without going too much into the movie (which on balance was a pretty solid adaptation of the graphic novel), the omission of this line and the scene that preceded it was unforgivable.
Go play on the Watchmen message boards, fag.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am
“HOYVIN-GLAYVIN!”
March 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Best Watchmen parody ever,even better than Watchmen Babies in V for Vacation
March 12th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Pretty funny until the end.
Jealous assholes. Youns got like 5 more months of us being champs. Enjoy.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Well I feel like a super nerd today! Watchmen and football. Two of the best things ever!
March 12th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Requesting Boobasstits as a recurring KSK character
March 12th, 2009 at 11:32 am
thank you for no blue manninghattan dick
March 12th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@CC: strong words coming from the man who tagged this “whatever the graphic novel was way better” and “yeah i like the movie what of it?”
March 12th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Jealous assholes. Youns got like 5 more months of us being champs. Enjoy.
You are confused. We have at least 10-11 months or so of them being champs.
It would take us 5 months to notice that Pittsburgh had been nuked, until one of the networks showed up to do a game and nothing was there.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Does anyone think Kurt Warner turned to God because he had Nite Owl’s, uh… “performance” issues?
March 12th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Tell you what, MiamiDiesel. How about YOU take Watchmen and craft it into an NFL storyline under 400 words? And then do a dozen Photoshops for it? Then I can bitch about your lack of character development and call it “unforgivable.”
The Holocaust was unforgivable. This is a blog post. That’s why I called you a fag.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@CC: clearly we’ve had a misunderstanding. My point was that those things should have been in the movie. I had no issues with the post, which I thought was excellent, an A+++. Seriously, I’m gonna put this shit up on my fridge at home with a gold star and everything, it was that good!
So we good? Lemme know…
March 12th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@CC – I thought he was critiquing the movie, not your writing. Although you could similarly call him a fag for getting pissed that a Watchmen movie that stayed as true to the book as humanly possible did something “unforgivable,” especially when EVERYONE knows there’s a four-hour cut of the film waiting be released on DVD.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Did someone not get his cup of coffee this morning?
/no desire to see Watchmen
March 12th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Oh. My bad. I’m the asshole.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Is it too early for football season to start so we don’t have weeks and weeks of this stuff? Maybe some “Who’s Now?” or something? Please.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
It’s all love CC. Let’s agree to drown this ugliness with some delicious, delicious Scotch…
March 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Wow. Critics consider the Watchmen too cynical and pessimistic, but Pittsburgh turned into a glass bowl and Boobasstits sound like a happy ending to me!
\love flamewars
\love nerd flamewars even better
\use “\” too much
March 12th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
NEEDS LESS BLUE COCK
March 12th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Actually, I see nuking Pittsburgh as being the solution to all of life’s problems.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
What is this ‘Burgh of Pitts’ so frequently mentioned on these intertubes?
March 12th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
surprised the grinning marmalard pic wasn’t photoshopt into a cigar-chomping Comedian. But as some other feller said, Jared Allen was an inspired choice too.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“LaRorschach: She plays fantasy football. Drafted me in the first round. Got what was comin’ to her.”
THIS is teh shit.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
In Ufford’s Director’s Cut, Roethlisberger is Dollar Bill.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Last week’s “Who Watches the Walkthrough?” on Football Outsiders was funnier, though your graphics were terrific.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
It would take us 5 months to notice that Pittsburgh had been nuked, until one of the networks showed up to do a game and nothing was there.
Pats fans would blame the nuking on the Steelers having a daahhkie coach within minutes of detonation.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Actually, Marvel’s “New Universe” line nuked Pittsburgh back in the 80’s, I think. No one noticed.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Pats fans would blame the nuking on the Steelers having a daahhkie coach within minutes of detonation.
No offense, Ape. That was a shot at people from Pittsburgh. Not you.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
You impersonated someone from Pittsburgh in these threads, TTGT. Does that petty alias feel the sting from that insult?
March 12th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Little testy in here.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Funniest thing you guys have ever done.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Pacschach’s Journal: Yo yo. Pacschach see dead dog this morning. Guts all over da sidewalk like dat sizzurp all over da azz cakes. Pacscchach ain’t down widdat. Shit like dat make Pacschach hongry fo dat pastrammi from Miami. Pacschach gon be up in da club den up in da guts Tsschhhh…dem beef curtains gon be raw like Monday night wrasslin. Oh yeah. Some funnyman fell out da window last night. Pacschach ain’t down widdat either. Jokes be funny an shit.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:14 am
The title alone gave me a nerdgasm. The rest of the post was just icing on the cake.
Bravo, Sir.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:07 am
I must say Merriman was the obvious choice for the Comedian, if only for the rape angle. Sorry, I can’t come up with a witty way to say that.
// Dick joke.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Thanks for sparing us the awful sight of poor Neil Lomax getting his head bashed in with the Halas Trophy.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Boobasstits is probably the funniest thing I have seen in a while. Thanks for the laugh, great parody!