25 Random Things About Me: Mel Kiper Jr.
1. Bill Polian and I are good friends, honest.
2. I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!
3. I’m proud to be from Baltimore. Seriously!
4. There never was a Mel Kiper Sr.
5. I maintain that Andre Ware and Mike Williams would have had hall of fame careers had they been drafted by someone other than the Lions.
6. I have a lifetime contract with ESPN.
7. I will never die.
8. I’m still not sold on Marshall Faulk, but let me tell you something about Akili Smith!
9. I’m a confirmed dick.
10. Jay Cutler thinks he can defy me with his “on-field performance”, but I will bring his ass down.
11. I don’t have many friends, which is why I try to befriend certain player agents whenever possible.
12. Stock Up: My neighbor’s kid. Show me another 10 year-old with that tight a spiral.
13. Stock Down: My kid. It’s like he doesn’t even want to play actual football. Instead he spends all of his time pretending to be a scout. Such a sad, pale kid. Great hair though.
14. Todd McShay is still mad because I put my dick in his mouth while he was sleeping. More like Todd McGay, right?
15. The Redskins have traded two future picks for the rights to the 16th random thing about me.
16. With the 16th random thing about Mel Kiper Jr. the Washington Redskins select Darrius Heyward- Bay from the University of Maryland. His jersey is now available at the team store for $249.99 plus shipping and handling.
17. My ball sweat smells exactly like cocktail onions.
18. If it weren’t for me Joe Lunardi would be sucking cock for gas money.
19. People don’t like me because I’m way too real for them.
20. Cutler demanded a trade? See, I told you he’s a fucking bum! Does Leinart demand trades? Fuck no, he just sits there on the bench like a franchise quarterback ought to.
21. If you’re ever watching the draft and wondering why I’m making “that face” it’s because I have to fart. Badly.
22. Berman never makes that face because he doesn’t bother holding them in. It bothers some people, but I find myself enjoying his mighty flatulence.
23. I am in the process of locking down a patent for my pube styling gel.
24. I have seven cats and they’re each named for a monumental draft bust.
25. I’ll see you at my Hall of Fame induction.
Tags: 25 random things, Mel Kiper Jr.
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March 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
26. Peter King wants to fall asleep inside him.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
27. Mel’s Balamoor accent is fake, he’s really from Fiji. True story.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
28. Hyperbole alone can bring Mel to climax.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
29. I weeped when Stringer Bell got hit.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
29. I’m not lactose-intolerant, I just fucking hate milkmen.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
30. Quentin Tarantino’s real name is Mel Kiper II
March 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
31. I use only the finest varnishes to achieve gloss and protection for my hair.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
nerditry has discovered the real reason for ‘that face’.
Well played.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
31. I know the taste of every GM in the NFL’s semen.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
30. I describe every NFL prospect as “athletically gifted” and no one has called me on it yet. I mean, no shit these guys are athletically gifted, they are one step away from the NFL.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
33. I actually don’t know anything about how the game of football works.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Major points for #2. Ulysses Everett McGill was one smooth-talking pater familias.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
34. I allow the CEO of ESPN to glaze my face to keep my job. Sucker, little does he know I’d do it for free.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
i’m surprised dickipedia.org made it past my company’s firewall
March 16th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
35. Eddie Munster was the role of a lifetime for me. I’m still pulling in quality GILF tail from that one!
March 16th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
36. By not accentuating words when I talk, people tend to take me seriously.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Fact: 92% of people in Baltimore look exactly like Mel Kiper. Including the women.
March 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
37. Linda Cohn is a hellcat in the sack.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
This is in Mel Kiper’s actual Wikipedia page:
One example of Kiper getting a player correct in the 1995 draft was when he asserted that Notre Dame defensive back Bobby Taylor, a college free safety, would make an excellent cornerback in the NFL because of his ability to match up with larger wide receivers. Kiper had Taylor rated as one of his top 10 prospects in the draft, and though Taylor wasn’t drafted until the 2nd round by the Philadelphia Eagles, he went on to have a long and distinguished career just as Kiper said he would.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
231. Here’s a little known fact – I rate ballplayers by their nut-sack size.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
38. This one time, at draft camp, one of the other boys put his finger in my ass. Boy, his fingers sure feel a lot bigger when they’re jammed into my rectum. I have always suspected that wasn’t his finger.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
39. I’m so famous people blog about me, shit you not!
March 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
39. If you think the hair on my head looks spectacular, you should see the hair on my ass.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
40. My testicles have muttonchops
March 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
39. I banged the namesake of your website, and now she made this list (#7):
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/just-dreaming/staticslideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=18113507
i rule…
March 16th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
41. Like the widow’s peak hairstyle? Well, ladies, you’ll be intrigued to know that the carpet matches the drapes.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
42. I once strangled a little-known WR prospect from SUNY Albany with an extension cord after his pro day workout. The body was never found. True Story.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Peter King says Mel Kiper defines “draft”.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
43. I don’t care what kind of wildlife you’re into, you’ve gotta love the albatross. Talk about tremendous wingspan!
March 16th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
44. I can’t read, I recognized the Gersh Agency logo.
March 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
45. Best thing ever: colored chalk. Man, I don’t know how I ever got along without ‘em before!
March 16th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
42. Why use hair product when lacquer is readily available?
March 16th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
46. I style my hair with my own semen.
March 16th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
46. I sometimes like to ride around in a white van with only front windows on Halloween just to see the reaction of some of the kids parents like I am going to abduct a kid or something. It’s complete hilarity I tell ya!
March 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
47. Just to be clear, Mel Kiper, Jr. has never sucked dick for crack. Never.
I’ve sucked dick for money, then bought crack, but I never sucked dick for crack.
March 16th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
48. My kid brother had Down’s Syndrome, which led my parents to sell him to a twisted Australian businessman. These days, he appears under the nom-de-moron of “Neil Cavuto.”
March 16th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
49. I may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but I AM NOT a porn star.
March 16th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
49. I let Heath Shuler touch me where I pee.
March 16th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
50. I secrete my own cologne, a musky combination that smells like a combination of the Bears locker room and Peyton Manning’s tears. I call it “Eau de Kiper.”
March 16th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
51. I like Brazilian fart porn.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
52. I love the NFL draft because it nicely combines two of my main interests: gay porn and slave auctions.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
53. Part of my ESPN contract stipulates that I get one change of pants per round at the NFL Draft.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I maintain that Andre Ware and Mike Williams would have had hall of fame careers had they been drafted by someone other than the Lions.
It’s probably true.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
54. I look exactly like Gavin Newsom but am slightly less of a prick.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
55. Mel disagrees with your choice of renting “Twilight” from Blockbuster tomorrow night. While the film was a success in theaters, it ran a slow 40 time at the combine and scored a -7 on the Wonderlic test. Mel currently has “Punisher 2: War Zone” as the highest available rental on his draft board.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:06 am
#43 – Classic Mel
March 17th, 2009 at 2:24 am
#56. I decide who ends up in the green room. Even if you fall near the end of the first round (Brady Quinn, Aaron Rodgers) when you were supposed to be a top-10 pick, it’s not my fault that every team on the list didn’t follow my advice. They’re just in denial of my draft intellect. Punishment awaits them, and you, for having to wait 6 hours with your cheerleader girlfriend and your folks until you finally don a Miami Dolphins cap and smile like a schmuck for 10 seconds.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:42 am
#57 I once ate 100 slim jims on a binge with Ki-Jana Carter.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
588. I have the greatest job in the world. I have absolutely no accountability for anything, yet I get paid millions of dollars. If I screw up and say that Tom Brady doesn’t have the arm to be a good NFL QB, who cares? Nobody will know that I screwed up for at least a year or two, and by then, they won’t even remember what I said in the first place. Plus, I really only have to work hard for about one week a year, and I take a six-month vacation after draft day.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
589. I don’t have an iPhone yet because I don’t want to give up my old phone because it still has the picture of Salisbury’s junk saved on it and I’m too embarrassed to get it transferred.