1. Bill Polian and I are good friends, honest.

2. I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!

3. I’m proud to be from Baltimore. Seriously!

4. There never was a Mel Kiper Sr.

5. I maintain that Andre Ware and Mike Williams would have had hall of fame careers had they been drafted by someone other than the Lions.


6. I have a lifetime contract with ESPN.

7. I will never die.

8. I’m still not sold on Marshall Faulk, but let me tell you something about Akili Smith!

9. I’m a confirmed dick.

10. Jay Cutler thinks he can defy me with his “on-field performance”, but I will bring his ass down.

11. I don’t have many friends, which is why I try to befriend certain player agents whenever possible.

12. Stock Up: My neighbor’s kid. Show me another 10 year-old with that tight a spiral.

13. Stock Down: My kid. It’s like he doesn’t even want to play actual football. Instead he spends all of his time pretending to be a scout. Such a sad, pale kid. Great hair though.

14. Todd McShay is still mad because I put my dick in his mouth while he was sleeping. More like Todd McGay, right?

15. The Redskins have traded two future picks for the rights to the 16th random thing about me.

16. With the 16th random thing about Mel Kiper Jr. the Washington Redskins select Darrius Heyward- Bay from the University of Maryland. His jersey is now available at the team store for $249.99 plus shipping and handling.

17. My ball sweat smells exactly like cocktail onions.

18. If it weren’t for me Joe Lunardi would be sucking cock for gas money.

19. People don’t like me because I’m way too real for them.

20. Cutler demanded a trade? See, I told you he’s a fucking bum! Does Leinart demand trades? Fuck no, he just sits there on the bench like a franchise quarterback ought to.

21. If you’re ever watching the draft and wondering why I’m making “that face” it’s because I have to fart. Badly.

22. Berman never makes that face because he doesn’t bother holding them in. It bothers some people, but I find myself enjoying his mighty flatulence.

23. I am in the process of locking down a patent for my pube styling gel.

24. I have seven cats and they’re each named for a monumental draft bust.

25. I’ll see you at my Hall of Fame induction.