Your Services Are No Longer Required
Now that the season is over it’s time for teams around the league to cut the dead weight from their roster. So far the casualties have been minor, but before long every team out there will be handing out pink slips for a wide variety of reasons. While the act of releasing a player may seem easy to you, it can be quite the terrifying ordeal for your average general manager and/or personnel directors. That’s why we’ve devised this handy letter for front office stooges who want to part ways with a large professional football player who is simply too intimidating to be confronted directly.
Dear [Insert Replaceable Cog's Name],
We regret to inform you that you are being released from your contract with the franchise for the following reason(s)…
[Select Your Reasoning]
A. You have outlived your usefulness, perhaps it’s time you considered a career in broadcasting and/or land working.
B. Your most recent concussion makes us wonder whether you will ever be able to perform at a high level again. Fortunately you are precisely what ESPN is looking for in a television analyst.
C. You simply aren’t living up to the terms of your gargantuan contract extension. Don’t blame yourself, it’s our fault for once believing you could play out the length of the deal. If you feel you can still play at a high level, then by all means sign a one year deal with a bottom-feeder. Your legacy will thank you later.
D. You suck. I know, it caught us by surprise as well! You know, the world needs ditch-diggers too.
E. You were implicated in another strip club assault. Don’t worry, we’ll re-sign you as soon as the heat dies down.
Good luck in all of your future endeavors, and remember to turn in your playbook to your position coach before exiting the facility for the final time.
Sincerely Signed,
[Insert Signature]
You’re welcome.
Tags: caddyshack references, Fare thee well Mike Furrey, Unsilent Majority, You're Fired
February 10th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
This should work for front office folks too. I wish you wrote it 5 years ago for the Lions.
February 10th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
“If you feel you can still play at a high level, then by all means sign a one year deal with a bottom-feeder. Your legacy will thank you later.”
is this what the cowboys said to emmitt smith before he signed with the cardinals?
February 10th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
F. We’ve decided to go in another direction. And by “another direction”, we mean “filling our roster with talented players who can help us win games.”
February 10th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Dexter Manley and Terry Bradshaw would like to know what is this “reading” you speak of?
February 10th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
shouldn’t there be a ‘caddyshack reference’ tag?
February 10th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Tag added.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
The offseason sure is slow…Hoo Boy…well back to work then.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Mista GM man say Pacman ain’t gon shine in da Big D no mo’? Pacman not down wid it
February 10th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
You’re going down, Pac Man?
Oh, so he got the rapey cellmate. Tough one, Adam.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
When I see Pacman, I expect liberal doses “gon’ drank”, “gon’ shine”, and something being drizzled on something called “azzcakes”. I ain’t down wid it. Chuh chuh.
/disappointed
//gets over it with the Haley post
///and not the one with the jelly rope
February 10th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
All Pac-Man needs is to chomp a power pellet to give him back his energy. And by power pellet, I mean a stripper’s ass.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Working for a company that has shitcanned over 30% of our employees and the rest are getting furloughs and reduced work weeks, I can attest that that letter is more respectful than most corporate communications nowadays.
/where’s the international dogfighting ring reference?
/dick joke
February 10th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
G. We are a “new” coach and / or GM, and we don’t want to have any of your “kind” on our team in the future.
“Kind” = people we didn’t draft, people we didn’t sign in free agency, people with opinions, seniority, shitty behavior, large risk assessments due to extracurricular activities. Fill in as needed.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Just more time for Pac-Man to DRANK!
February 10th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Nice use of bullet points.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Lacey Underalls appreciates this letter
February 10th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
@Max: He learned that from Peter King!
True story.
February 10th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
@ Boatdrinks: Oh, you mean the Mike Nolan Clause?
/still bitter that punk wasn’t fired a year ago for turning a perfectly crappy franchise truly shitty
February 10th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
If it was from Jerry Jones there would’ve been at least one instance of both “god damn useless sasparilla fuckface” and “YEEEEHAW!”
February 10th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I think Brian Russell fits all 5 reasons given above, by which I mean I plan on framing him for rape. Of course the police are going to have to believe the implausible myth that Russell could overpower and penetrate any other human on the planet.
February 10th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
THIS IS A REAL GANGSTA, SON!
http://drivewaysitups.com/?p=373
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