Warst. Fackin’. Supah Bowl. EVAH!!!!
Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!
(dips)
Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!
Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!
(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)
Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!
NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!
(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)
This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!
FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!
(dials phone)
HouseO: Word.
Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!
HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?
Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?
HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.
Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!
HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.
Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!
HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.
Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!
HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!
Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!
HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!
Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!
HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?
Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!
HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.
Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!
HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?
Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!
HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.
Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?
HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!
Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!
HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!
Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!
HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!
Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!
HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.
Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!
HouseO: Good one! Latah!
(hangs up)
So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!
(shows off Maori armband tattoo)
So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, those two should do a podcast of some sort, Tommy from Quinzee
February 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
tomlin does like look epps
February 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I’m speechless…….
February 18th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS!”
Sometimes, in his own colorful way, Tommy makes a good point. Still fackin’ funny.
(”YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL” caused a near-fatality.)
February 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Can we possibly put a word limit on Tommy’s posts? That much Boston talk just pushed the Oxford comma out of my brain; next time, it might actually be something grammatically important.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Still far less annoying than anybody waving a towel.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I cahn’t deny anything Tawmmy says heah.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Can anyone else not resist scrolling down to read all the parenthesized actions before everything else?
February 18th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I’m more and more convinced Drew spent significant time in Boston at some point, because the thing about assholes like these guys is, well, they never leave. They’re “Boston” townies (from other towns) FAH EVAH.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I want to beat up boston fans purely because of these posts. I think that makes you liable, or something.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I’m just happy that us Steelers fans are now in Tawwmmy’s sights. I feel validated somehow.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
+1 for a Christy’s reference. -1 because I haven’t seen one in about 15 years.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Holy shit, Christy’s?
February 18th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I should have used Cumbahland Faahhhhhhhhms.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!)
That’s the first time I have ever agreed with something Tommy said
February 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
OK, see now my head hurts trying to translate all that.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Tommy could also buy his dip at Store24
February 18th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
* make that Star twenty-faaaa
February 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@BigDaddyDrew: Yeah, Cumbies is the Masshole franchise that nobody likes. Everybody knows Stewart’s is where it’s at.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
It’s just that there’s only like three of them left now, and the only other trace of them anymore is this lovely site, which you should strongly consider as a template for any future redesigns: http://christysofcapecod.com/
February 18th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You missed one minute detail that would’ve made this an A+ instead of an A:
Any Patriots fan with a moderate memory will tell you that if the Patriots had beaten the Broncos in the 2005 divisional round, they would’ve hosted the Steelers the following week. This means that they would’ve automatically won Super Bowl XL. Also, they would’ve won XLI if one play had gone differently in the Colts game.
Some people carry this out far enough to say that they were two, three, or four plays away from winning five out of six Super Bowls. If Drew still lived up here, he would’ve nailed that.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Has Tommy always been an offshoot of Simmons? Or am I just that dumb?
February 18th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“Any Patriots fan with a moderate memory will tell you that if the Patriots had beaten the Broncos in the 2005 divisional round, they would’ve hosted the Steelers the following week.”
As a Broncos fan, I still enjoy it when they claim Champ was out of bounds on the interception he returned for a TD.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I’ve never noticed this: What is up with Tommy’s tanline? Not like I was checking out his tits or anything.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
You should be sports CZAH!
OK, now you’re purposely trying to get me to shit myself while reading these. I almost didn’t make it past that line.
/Celtic nation can swallow some man chowdah.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
No love for the White Hen Pantry? Fackin queeah!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
You missed one minute detail that would’ve made this an A+ instead of an A
THEN GET YAR OWN FACKIN BLAWG, FACKO!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
GPF – sorry, you’re just that dumb.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
And to think people say us Philly fans are obnoxious.
How do you like them apples?
February 18th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Tommy and Bill Simmons are becoming more similar with every column.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Excuse me, let me rephrase that..
HOW DO-YA LIKE THEM-A FACKIN APPLES
February 18th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@Harris Smith…
Tommy doesn’t like to be reminded that no matter how Tawmmy Brady tried, he could nevah beat fackin’ Jake Plummah.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Devin Harris fahr Jay-son Kidd was the worst trade evvvvahhhh
February 18th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Tawmmy Brady nevah lost a fackin game. It was those fackin refs who stole it from him. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Nobody could be Jake Plummer. And ts knows where its at. Cumbies and Stewarts are working the snack heaven. Hess is totally behind the 8ball.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@Slothrop: White Hen is now 7-11. Ergo…
No love for the 7-11? Fackin queeah!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
White Hen is now 7-11
So the Packies now work at the Packie?
/OK I’ll get back to work
February 18th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Fall Rivah is full of Port-a-gees, not speeah chuckas. Get your Mass racism right next time. And seriously, still no mention of Dropkick Murphy’s? Tawwmy has 1 tatoo and 5 dropkicks t-shirts, minimum.
Otherwise thoroughly enjoyable, I give this post a big fat “Its true, we’re so lame!”
February 18th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
good point about Fall Rivah Chazz. All the dahkies live in Roxbury and Dorchestah.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
DROPKICK MAHRPHY’S ARE QUEEAH COMAPAHRED TO MIGHTY MIGHTY BAHHHHSTONES!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
February 18th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Well, he’s right you know… the Steelers had the statistically easiest road to their rings in Super Bowl history. Not bitter… just sayin’.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Dorchestah’s full of Vietnamese now. Which I guess we still consider dahkies. Slanty dahkies?
February 18th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Tommy makes several accurate and informed points here.
And he doesn’t live in Quincy, trust me.
Also, I brush my teeth with my father’s sperm.
February 18th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Well, he’s right you know… the Steelers had the statistically easiest road to their rings in Super Bowl history. Not bitter… just sayin’.
Because it’s the Steelers’ fault all the other high-seeded teams shit the bed.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
@Fitz–I grew up in Boston, and can say with absolute certainty that this is the best impression of massholes I’ve ever been witness to. RIght down to the description of Tawmmy pulling his visor down over his eyelids to look menacing, and the reference to Christy’s, it is just perfect. But I think Drew went to boarding school in Connecticut, and the only way he was exposed to Tawmmys there is if they went on a hockey “scholarship.” So I really have no idea how he perfected this fine craft.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Except for the racism, I’m starting to agree with Taahhmmyy.
I feel dirty.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
It’s really eerie how Steelers fans JUST won a title and instead of celebrating they’re mocking the TEAM OF THE DECADE.
You people have the biggest inferiority complex. Maybe because you live in Detroit Lite.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
No matter how many times you tell Thanksgiving Chimp otherwise, he’ll still believe Drew is a Steelers fan. That’s some resilient retardery he’s got.
And no one touches Boston sports fans’ inferiority complex. Well, except maybe everyone in Baltimore.
February 18th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I was amazed when Ape got fired from the Post that it became news. An out-of-work Steelers fan? How novel!
February 18th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
If you ever watch “Bad Girls Club” there is a chick on there this season from Boston. Everytime she wants to get confrontational she yells, “I ayum frowm BAWSTON!” She repeats this 10x while waiving her finger in the air. Reminds me of Tommy’s sister.
February 18th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Re: Christy’s
Try to work in a L’il Peach, Store 24, White Hen Pantry, Cumbie’s, or Tedeschi’s next time …
Also, I suggest a scene were Tommy takes out his girl to a classy place like The 99 Restaurant.
February 18th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Also, try to work in the Depahted at some point. I guarantee you Tawmmy has seen it about 50 times.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
@Ocho Cinco: Didn’t they also have the hardest regular-season schedule in the league, though?
February 18th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
I’m still waiting for Tawmmy to teach his daughter how to suck dick. In parentheses, of course. Then he’d be a perfect Masshole stereotype.
February 18th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Also, don’t forget to refer to Sam Adams like its an incredibly expensive and classy champagne. Tawmmy likes to use it to impress a date, but only if his pals tell him she puts out.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Bassett: The facking ninety-niyan? What is Tawmy, made ah money? Someplace special calls fah the Kawloon! Them facking gooks cook up some facking mean (pulling eyes like a Spanish basketball player) flied lice, amirite?
/sad to learn the 7-11 took over the White Hen. Next you’ll tell me that D’Angelos are turning into Subways.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
So when the Celtic Nation steal skoal spittin from us red blooded Southrons?
February 18th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY!
I sense a new catchphrase……
February 18th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Referring to 99 as “The Nines” will score you bonus points, Drew.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Stop disparaging the Nines. They haven’t had a quadruple homicide at one of their franchises in almost 10 years!
February 19th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
@ Bassett/Slothrop: Kowloons and The Nines are definitely up there, but don’t forget about the Piccadilly! Though we all know after the first date it’s Friendly’s every time so he can order the Happy Ending while nudging his date and winking.
I gotta say, reading these and wanting to get mad, then realizing “Well they’re right, these fans DO exist, but they’re not all of us” has made me think twice about all those vicious stereotypes about other fanbases. Well, except Bears and Packers fans. All those fat fucks really are fat fucks.
Oh, and I’d bet my left nut that Tawmmy is actually from Revere, not Quincy.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Tawmy, didya know that the Chargers, Ravens, and Cardinals were the only playoff teams the Steelers beat all year? Toughest schedule evah!
February 19th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
“@Ocho Cinco: Didn’t they also have the hardest regular-season schedule in the league, though?”
No. The brain-dead media proclaimed the Steelers’ schedule one of the toughest of all-time before the season even started. Then they ran with that story all year even though it wasn’t even close to true by the end of the season and homers like Ape just swallowed what they were fed (not that I ever blame homers for their homerism). Supposed tough games against the Browns, Browns, Texans, and Jags never materialized.
Basically, regular and postseason combined, the Steelers caught the most breaks of any team I’ve ever seen. But, as they say, they beat the teams that were put in front of them.
February 19th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Tawmy’s from Glawstuh and his uncle got busted for running guns to the IRA.
February 19th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Newton: On paper at the beginning of the year, it was the hardest opponent’s winning percentage in a quarter century.
http://www.nfl.com/news/story?id=09000d5d809fbfa9&template=with-video&confirm=true
It still wound up being the seventh-toughest schedule based on record of opponents during the 2008 season. Their opponents had a winning percentage of .525 and that is still the second toughest schedule ever for any Super Bowl champion (The toughest? The 1979 Steelers with a .527 opponents’ winning percentage). Some breaks, huh?
I didn’t maintain it was the hardest ever throughout the year. Don’t attribute to me stuff I didn’t write. Sorry you’re bitter over the Steelers passing Dallas on the Super Bowl scoreboard.
February 19th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Tawmy defines clawtch.
Also, isn’t Tawmy covered in vaseline? I really, really like that.
February 19th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
THIS IS RETAH-DED, ALL YOU NAHNCEE FACKS WHAMPERIN ABOUT HOW LAWNG I’M TAHKIN, GET FACKED.
AND WATS WITH ALL THESE FACKIN DAHKIES IN THE WHITE HOWSE — JESUS FACK THEY’RE BAD. SUDDENLY WE PRAHSPEROUS NEW ENGLANDAHRS CARRYIN THE REST OF YOU FACKS.
/fist pumps, opens sam adams winter lager with teeth
SAM ADAMS IS THE BEST BREW NAWT FROM THE MAHTHER COUNTRY OF IRELAND.
I’m fackin outta here.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Ape, I threw you in there because I’m bitter about that sixth ring, sure. But also because you wrote this (and I remembered. yay brain!) during your post-Super Bowl blogging orgy.
“Do it all without an offensive line and with an insanely difficult schedule”
Bah, seventh-toughest this season isn’t insanely difficult. I readily acknowledge that going into the season, the Steelers schedule looked impossible. But it didn’t happen. C’mon, there’s a damn big difference between toughest in a quarter century and seventh-hardest of the season at year’s end. And that was my point about the media never changing the narrative as the facts changed.
(.525 opponents’ winning percentage sounds impressive. But in the 8 games against teams with winning records, the Steelers went 4-4. Wins against Cowboys, Pats, Ravens, Ravens. Losses against Eagles, Giants, Colts, Titans. Basically, against the tough part of that “tough schedule”, the Steelers were so-so.)
And yeah, whole body of work this season, the Steelers got a lot of extraordinary breaks (Playing the only two playoff teams they beat during the regular season in the playoffs stands out as a huge fucking break). What makes them champions is that they capitalized on those breaks — NO ONE DENIES THIS!
February 20th, 2009 at 10:50 am
For reals though, Sam Adams is really good.