I have two modest goals in life. The first is to own a Jet Ski. If you own a Jet Ski, that means you have enough money in the bank to waste on a Jet Ski, which is nice. It also means you live on a body of water, and I would very much like to live on a body of water. All the better for dumping all the political canvassers I murder at my door.

My second goal is to live the exact same kind of life that Anthony Bourdain leads. That’s him in the above video, eating a live cobra heart. Mmm… dangerous. I watch Bourdain go to a new country every week on “No Reservations,” eating insanely good food and getting blitzed with locals on a nightly basis. Now THAT’S a solid life. Go anywhere you fucking want, know someone everywhere you go who knows exactly the best places to go, and stuff your fucking face. Oh, and presumably do lots of local brown heroin. Bliss. There should be an Anthony Bourdain Travel Agency, where you can just do all the shit he does in any given episode. I’d take that over Liberty Travel.

So, in the spirit of Bourdain, we bring this week’s draft of cities to own a luxury residence in. The rules:

1. Serpentine Draft
2. 3 rounds
3. Once a city is taken, its host nation is off the board
4. You get a luxury penthouse/home in any city you choose
5. It is assumed you have enough money in the city you choose to go out and dine as you please. A car and driver are also provided.
6. Your marital status is unchanged for this draft (ie, flub and I still have a wife and kids to worry about and what not).

One rule I forgot before we started this draft was to, you know, PICK A FUCKING CITY. As with any draft we hold, what started as a nice exercise in travel porn devolved into petty squabbling over exactly what constitutes a “city.” The dictionary refuses to provide a solid population figure for guidance. Fucking dictionary. And so, we spent an inordinate amount of time trying to define an abstract term which shouldn’t really ever be abstract. (My argument is that cities are, you know, REALLY FUCKING BIG AND HAVE BUILDINGS AND SHIT.) That didn’t stop Punter and habitual rule breaker Maj from trying to draft obvious non-cities. Morons. Anyway, the order:

Ufford
Drew
Punter
Maj
Ape
Flub

And we go.

1. Ufford – New York City, USA

Simply put: the best city in the best country. Although a high-rise penthouse in South Beach might’ve been nice.

2. Drew – London, England

I’ll pick a warm weather city later. For now, I’ll take a penthouse overlooking Hyde Park, drink in every possible pub I can find, go to rock shows at the Astoria, and stuff my face with tikka masala.

And here’s where the draft began to go wrong…

3. Punter – George Town, Cayman Islands

Great weather, high standard of living, plus no income tax or capital gains tax. Lots of golf, too, if you can get past the fact that they use non-conforming balls they use for the shorter courses. But then, my balls have never been conforming.

Wonderful, but it only has a population of 20,000. NOT A FUCKING CITY, ASSHOLE. Punter argued that population density and the fact that George Town is a capitol should factor in. (As if the Cayman Islands really needs a capitol seat of government). Whatever. FUCKING QUINZEE HAS A BIGGER POPULATION. YOU’RE NOT ADHERING OT THE SPIRIT OF THE DRAFT, TUBBY!

4. Maj – Amsterdam, The Netherlands (duh)

You know, for the Anne Frank House.

That Isolator hash sure is pricey. Though I bet it lives up to its name and then some.

5. Ape – Tokyo, Japan

All the tentacle rape I can handle!

/can’t handle very much

Ape also neglects to mention that you can head to the fish market in Tokyo, have them filet a live mackerel in front of you, and eat the mackerel as it’s still alive and wriggling around, nailed to the cutting board, watching you eat him. NICE.

6. Flubby – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

7. Flubby – Paris, France

I’ve never been to either one, but I would have them running on Flubby Standard Time inside of 6 months.

8. Ape – Sydney, Australia

FUCKER TOOK MY BIRTHPLACE! YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS, MONKEYMAN!

9. Maj – Vancouver, Canada

Maj actually first selected the town of Whistler (pop. 9,000), outside of Vancouver. Again, NOT A FUCKING CITY.

10. Punter – Hong Kong, China

Am I picking cities in which to relax or just organizing a multinational banking conspiracy?

11. Drew – Florence, Italy

Always wanted Tuscan villa.

12. Ufford – Barcelona (pronounce it BARTHELONA), Spain

Two words: Catalonian. Tapas. Wait, no. Those are the wrong two words. I meant to say, “Spanish. Chicks.” Plus it’s right on the Mediterranean, so my luxury residence is gonna have a hell of a view.

13. Ufford – Buenos Aires, Argentina

It’s nicknamed the “Paris of South America.” So basically somebody took a major European metropolis and filled it with South American women. How did I not select this city first?

14. Drew – Acapulco, Mexico

Had to take a Mexican city for my last pick. Always looked so inviting when they featured it as the main prize on Tic Tac Dough.

15. Punter – Antarctica

Well, someone’s being a stubborn wiseass.

16. Maj – Nassau, Bahamas

Incredibly beautiful island, easy access to and from the US, and plenty of fun to be had (gambling).

Yes Maj, but you’d have to walk outside in a bathing suit. THAT’S NOT PARADISE.

17. Ape – Dubai, Unites Arab Emirates

Quite entertaining if you’re megawealthy enough to afford it, and according to the rules of this draft, I am!

Indeed. Who wouldn’t want to ski in a warehouse?

18. Flub – Hamilton, Bermuda

With any luck, you’ll catch Michael Douglas and his oxygen tank!

Your picks in the comments. We’ll lift the country restriction. Kindly wait 10 picks before picking another city. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to jet set over to Rite Aid to buy a thermometer battery. Not quite Bourdainian existence I had envisioned for myself. Shit. I really need to be rich.