Ben Roethlisberger: UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

TOO MANY… CELEBRATION… CHOCO TACO

NOT REMEMBER TO TAKE SENSIBLE BITES

[Slumps over on chair]

CAN’T… MOVE…

XBOX JERKSTICK…OUT OF REACH…

UUUGGGGGHHHHHH

SO THIS HOW THE BEN ENDS

Chris Kemoeatu: You aren’t gonna be able to finish all those in one sitting, Ben. Let me grab one.

Ben: HI FAT POLAMALU! NOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU CAN’T HAVE! MY SPECIAL PRIZE FOR BRINGING HOME SOOPER BOW’

[Splays himself over progressively melting pile of Choco Tacos]

CHOCO TACO PILE MELLLLLTINGGGGG. MELLLLLTTTIIIINNNGGGG. OH WHAT A WORLD

HARF HARF HARF THAT’S CLEVER REFERENCE

[Kemoeatu takes one from the side of the pile and walks out]

HMMM. OKAY. MAYBE JUST ONE MORE

SNARF SNARF SNARF

UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH DIDN’T HELP

[Beat reporter walks in]

Reporter: Whoa. Ben, you all right?

Ben: FRONTSPOT… BIG HONKIN’ OWIE

UUUUGGGHHHHHH

Reporter: You have an injury? Where exactly?

[Waves arm over torso area]

Reporter: Your ribs?

Ben: UUGGGGHHHHH CAN’T THINK OF RIBS TOO

Reporter: Winning a Super Bowl with a rib injury? Damn. That’s incredible. I knew there was something to those X-ray rumors. Appreciate the candor.

PLEASE PRAY FOR THE BEN [Passes out on pile]

[Reporter leaves, files story, accepts buyout]