The New Broncos Coach Is Quite The Mad Scientist
Brandon Marshall: Jesus, we got minicamp already? Season just ended, man.
Champ Bailey: I know. But hey, at least Shanny’s gone. I hear the new guy is pretty chill. Easy to talk to. Real young. Real brainy.
Marshall: What do you mean by brainy?
(door flies open)
Josh McDaniels: Team! Team! Everyone bring it in! I’ve got some incredible findings I have to share with you. Gentlemen, I promised Mr. Bowlen that I would find new and innovative ways to win football games. I’d like to share one of these new techniques with you.
(throws filled syringes to players)
Bailey: What’s this?
McDaniels: AIDS.
Marshall: What?
McDaniels: That’s right, men. I’ve found a new way to get a physical and psychological edge on our opponents, particularly within the division. We’re going to give our opponents AIDS. And I don’t mean that dormant, Magic Johnson half-AIDS. I’m talking real Eazy-E AIDS. POWER AIDS.
Bailey: I don’t want to give anyone AIDS.
Marshall: Don’t you have to be a gay to give people AIDS?
McDaniels: No, men. Gays only GET AIDS. These syringes are for injecting your opponent, not yourselves. You see, like drop kicks, there’s nothing explicit in the NFL rule book forbidding us from giving AIDS to our opponents. That’s why, starting today, I want to do more AIDS drills and AIDS conditioning. If you see exposed skin on the field, I want you to grab your syringe, yell BALL, and then deliver that AIDS blow quickly and aggressively. Nothing will break an opponent’s will like a good dose of AIDS.
Bailey: That’s true. I hear AIDS, like losing, is contagious.
McDaniels: And this isn’t any ordinary AIDS, men. This is horse AIDS, which I will now rechristen Bronco AIDS. It’s a strain that’s impervious to typical AIDS cocktails. I’ve placed it in the coolers around the field, marked POWER AIDS. That lets you know it’s real Bronco AIDS, and not some kind of gay thirst quencher or diet candy.
I’ve studied a lot of tape on other teams, gentlemen. And while many of them can do thing like pass, and run, and tackle, they all have a common weakness we can exploit: THEY DO NOT LIKE AIDS.
Marshall: Coach is right. I heard Peyton Manning gets happy feet when he gets AIDS.
Bailey: I heard that too.
Marshall: I also heard Al Haynesworth will give up if you give him AIDS long enough.
McDaniels: You’re forced to abandon a lot of game plans when you get megahorseAIDS, gentlemen. Let’s say an opponent knows they can run on us. Well, if we can give them AIDS, they’ll abandon the run in favor of soothing their open lesions with a cold washcloth. Then we can pick them apart. Literally. Because they have AIDS.
Bailey: What about a team like the Steelers, who already have AIDS?
McDaniels: I’m glad you asked. Everyone, we’re in the middle of a new renaissance in football thinking. We have to start thinking outside of the usual marks for football accomplishment: TD’s, yards, sacks, and so forth. We need to start focusing on the hidden parts of game that matter: like AIDS, and AIDS babies, and power rapes.
Marshall: Power rapes?
McDaniels: That’s right. Our quantitative analysis shows that many teams are susceptible to power raping. And I think we need to make that a bigger component of our offense. One good power rape can be worth nearly FORTY yards of field position, netting an extra .6 points per game on average. And that’s just from one rape. I’m going to have Hal, the strength coach here, record the number of explosive rapes we commit per game. Put simply: the more we rape, the more we win.
Bailey: Doesn’t raping people make you gay?
McDaniels: No. GETTING raped makes you gay. Raping another player makes you even MORE heterosexual, because it means you’ve turned other men into girls. Because you raped them. And then gave them AIDS. That’s how it works.
Now, I’ve taken the liberty of scripting our first 15 rapes for the game. What we want to do is set the tone. It’ll also help us learn how they’re game planning for our large Bronco penises. So we can make our rapejustments at the half.
Marshall: I’m not sure I’m ready to rape people.
Bailey: Yeah, I heard that’s how Merriman fucked up his knee.
McDaniels: Well, what we’re looking for here is balance. You want to be able to mix your AIDS and your rape. So you can set up the AIDS with the megarape. And we sometime we can use the AIDS as the rape.
Bailey: BANG!
McDaniels: But gentlemen, we’re not alone in this pursuit. I think you all know how much my old boss liked deploying the AIDS. He was obsessed with AIDS. And he was very good at finding new and creative ways to get AIDS more involved in the game. Other coaches are going to be scheming with AIDS, and rectal warts, and monkey herpes. THE GAME IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING. Think Tedi Bruschi isn’t ready to give you AIDS? He is. Now, here’s your playbook. Your AIDS plays are in the front. But be aware for the colored tabs indicating which plays are for dog rape, which are for germ warfare, which are for cum wiping, and which are for nipple biting. We’re going to get into nipple biting later in camp.
Marshall: Nipple biting?
McDaniels: That’s right, Brandon. Nipple biting can really throw a defense off. One second, they’re zone blitzing. The next, you’ve sunk your teeth deep into the thin pink tissue surrounding the areola, causing their nipples to leak a clear, viscous fluid. You really want to clamp down on that nipple and never let it go. Again, that’s inside the numbers, so it’s not holding if you bite nipples. That’s gonna throw teams for a loop, if they come to the line knowing you want to feast on their soft, hairy man-spouts. They’ll think twice about going over the middle then!
Marshall: If I bite Quentin Jammer’s nipple, I could then power through with an AIDS hit.
McDaniels: Now you’re getting the idea! So come on, gents. We’ve got a lot of practicing to do.
Bailey: Fuck, now I can’t WAIT until September, man! I’m gettin’ jacked for that first rape!
Marshall: I like this new coach! He’s a player’s coach. But he’s also good with x’s and AIDS.
McDaniels: My friends, we’ve only reached the tip of the nipple.
Tags: awfully AIDSy, awfully rapey, Big Daddy Drew, crazy josh mcD, even rapier than rape ape, the saints are a finesse AIDS team
February 25th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Josh McDaniels: Rapier mind or rapiest mind?
February 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Um, Christ. What? And first?
February 25th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Damn, second.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Gwaaaaa?
February 25th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Everyone has AIDS!
C’mon everybody we got quilting to do (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
February 25th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
You said rape twice.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I have a rapist wit.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Not nearly enough rape. Or AIDS, for that matter. Absolutely needed more of both, that’s for darn sure.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
my dear god that’s too much…FUN WITH AIDS!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
It’s still cleaner than teaching linemen to chop-block.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Simon Adebisi approved.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
jeez Punter, that’s just wrong…
oh…shit…
damn Drew..
Congratulations! You’ve got AIDS!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
“Walker told me I have AIDS.”
February 25th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
not HIV but full blown AIDS….
wrong but not quite Punter wrong
February 25th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Wow. The new sex thread is actually quite gay.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Needs more shark rape.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I’ve always said I’d lose hope in humanity when Champ Bailey starts biting nipples…. thanks KSK
February 25th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I like McDaniels. He has the same adult acne problems that I face on occasion.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Yeah, I heard that’s how Merriman fucked up his knee.
Damnit, hasn’t he suffered enough of your abuse? LEAVE SHAWN MERRIMAN ALONE!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
So this AIDS things you’re talking about…..uh….what’s that stand for? Sorry, just never heard of it that’s all.
/Aiming Indirect Dick Shooters?
February 25th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Time to bring back Travis Henry and Maurice Clarett.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
And Coach McDaniels isn’t just sure about this startegy, he’s HIV positive.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
They’re going to need to change the gameplan when they play the Browns though…you know, with Brady Quinn and all…
February 25th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
We have been reading about this new plan a lot in the local rags. Now it must be true when I read it on KSK.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Wait til they serenade the other team with the barbershop quartet after the game.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Well that settles it. McDaniels is the Bill Walsh of his era.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Cutlerfucker can’t wait to play San Diego. What? Huh? What? Fuck You, I don’t have Aids.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Meanwhile in other NFL news the Jags unveil their plans to have yet another shitty year by 1st establishing the running game.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Best post ever. Remember Terry Bradshaw said the cure for AIDS is canned peaches.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Okay, I’ll tolerate your AIDS jokes, your rape jokes, even your rapey AIDS jokes; however, I draw the line at nipple-biting. YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, KSK! Why don’t you go back to raping peaches, Magary?! That’s right, I read your “book.” I even admired your clean uniform on the back flap. Yep, just stared at it for hours.
Uh…that didn’t come out right. You know what else didn’t come out right? The needle from Merriman’s knee. Hey oh!
/We also would have accepted “my dick from your ass.”
February 25th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I had monkey herpes once.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Dan Synder will unveil a plan to infect everyone with AIDS in three years and will act as if no one has thought of this before….
February 25th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@ O’Toole
I like rape.
/it was just hanging out there.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I await the second installment… when Marshall (on advice from Peyton Manning) switches Cutler’s insulin needle with the HorseAIDS syringe.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I think I just peed a little.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Well, this explains how Lenny got it.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
+1 there Otto
February 25th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
“Bailey: What about a team like the Steelers, who already have AIDS?”
/giggles
February 25th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
“No. GETTING raped makes you gay”
/crying
February 25th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
When I was a kid, I had a mild case of SIDS. True story.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
AIDS jokes AND rape jokes!
/head explodes
February 25th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
How is there no guest appearance by Bill Romanowski here?
February 25th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
“Why take diet pills when you can enjoy AIDS?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb9-yVEYS_M
February 25th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Like drop kicks, there’s nothing explicit in the NFL rule book forbidding us from giving AIDS to our opponents.
Ah yes, the Air Bud defense. There’s nothing in the rule book that says dogs aren’t allowed to play basketball!
February 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
AIDS is more effective than 5-Hour Energy.
February 25th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Just remember: Rape first, AIDS second.
Otherwise you might get some AIDS splashback.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Drew once again proves that AIDS *is* a laughing matter.
/debate over
February 25th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I was a little skeptical of the McDaniels hiring, but upon hearing the new schemes he plans to put in place here in Denver, I’m pretty much “full-blown” on board now.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
/slow clap
I have always suspected that power rape and AIDS were mainstays of the Bronco playbook. Now the evil is confirmed…
//don’t forget cut-blocking, Vaseline’d jerseys, and child porn next time Drew
February 25th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
This isn’t really news; the AFC West has always been the AIDS-iest division in the NFL.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Not only will Tedi Bruschi give you AIDS, but he’ll give it to you the old fashoned way, faggot.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Finally, with the power of AIDS we will finally regain 9-10 wins a season and a first round playoff loss! THANK YOU AIDS!
February 25th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Holy crap…I f-ing hurt after reading that. Must be the AIDS talking.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Losing is a disease, not unlike syphilis. Ah! But curable!
February 26th, 2009 at 10:38 am
The only thing worse than AIDS is Super AIDS. One teaspoon of Super AIDS and you’ll be dead in a year for sure.
Michael Scott’s dream of living in a world where AIDS is funny has come true.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:25 am
So that’s how Merriman fucked up his knee.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Does this Power Aids come in Arctic Chill or Berry Blast?