Michael Phelps: [Takes hit] I knew water bong was the way to go.

[Knock at door]

Michael Phelps: It’s open.

[Door flies open, Santonio Holmes' penis enters 30 seconds before he does.]

Santonio Holmes: Yo, man. Got some of that Ritzy Montclair from Ricky.

Phelps: Well, where is he?

Santonio: Told him hold tight where he at. Always wants to play that Ewok Village shit. Fucks with my high.

Phelps: All right.

Santonio: So we gonna fire this shit up?

Phelps: Heeeeeeeeeuuulllllls yeeeeeeuh

Santonio: [Pause] You okay?

Phelps: Sorry.

Santonio: [Takes hit] So what’s it like to win all them gold medals?

Phelps: Cool. It’s cool. But because I’m an athlete turned celebrity, people expect me to have these social graces I never really thought to develop. I mean, the endorsements and shit. I’ll take that. But stop acting like I’m some trained media professional, you know?

Santonio: I feel you on that. I ain’t Jamie Foxx. You pay me to take my big dick and run with the football.

Phelps: So I got something to tell you.

Santonio: Yeah?

Phelps: You remember that controversial finish in the Olympics in the 100 butterfly final where it looked like I lost?

Santonio: Kinda.

Phelps: Well I did. I lost that race.

Santonio: Damn. That’s okay. I didn’t get my other toe down on that winning touchdown catch either.

Phelps: Ha-HA! [Offers a high five]

Santonio: Just kidding. I did get it down. My cock too. Wanted to make you feel better.

[Phelps gives him a playful punch of the shoulder. Santonio looks at him askance]

Phelps: I remember seeing you up on that stage after the game holding the trophy. Can I ask you something?

Santonio: Sure.

Phelps: Does it feel like you’re in Dr. Robotnik’s pod vehicle? Because it looks like Dr. Robotnik’s pod vehicle.

Santonio: Little bit.

Phelps: I knew it.

Santonio: [Takes hit] Speaking of Sonic, I always wondered what Knuckles was supposed to be. Like, Sonic is a hedgehog. Tails is a gay little fox. But what that red bitch be?

Phelps: Dude, he’s an echidna.

Santonio: An enchilada?

Phelps: Whoa. Enchilada. Man, I could definitely go for that.

Santonio: Fuck and yes.

Phelps: Fuck, man. We gotta get some Mexican food.

Santonio: I know how you eat, like, all the food in the world everyday. Like, 8,000 calorie diet and shit.

Phelps: Yeah, and when I’m high, it’s 8,000 calories and an enchilada.

Santonio: Yo, uh, Mike?

Phelps: Huh?

Santonio: Have those paparazzi been standing over there taking pictures the whole time?

Phelps: …Shit.