The Dead Hooker Lift Can Be the Difference Between First and Third Round Talent
It’s often said that the drills used at the NFL Combine are inadequate, that they don’t capture many of the critical nuances that separate NFL-grade talent from Ted Ginn Jr. That’s why we at KSK are lobbying for the inclusion of the following drills so that teams are better able to judge how an athlete will hold up when faced with the rigors of the NFL. Also, they’d be fun to watch.
40-yard dash with 32-inch plasma TV under one arm
Name-dropping contest at Jillian’s with Peter King
Pick-a-Groupie (”Ten road whores of varying skeezyness are lined up and each prospect has to choose the most appealing and least dangerous of the bunch.”)
Softball toss with Keyshawn Johnson
Meadow stroll with Brett Favre
Couples dance with Jason Taylor
Pain tolerace with LaDainian
Laundry competition against Hines
Steam bath with Jamal Anderson
The Booth of Verbal Abuse with Coach Haley
Melanin litmus test (Patriots draftees only)
[Presented with a map] Locate a map
Oyster shucking
Mock Press Conference
Endorsement sincerity drill
Bug implementation (Patriot draftees only)
Stereotype-reinforcing dance moves (Raven draftees only)
Towel dispenser dismantling speed (Steelers draftees only)
Pose for men’s magazine fashion shoot (white QBs only)
30-foot sprint from club door to slowly accelerating SUV.
Motorist belt whip
Post-play referee cajoling (”Complain more shrilly! Why aren’t you huffy!? GET HUFFY!”)
Sinner curl (opposite of preacher curl)
Double Stuf Oreo Licking
Crossing the desert
The unblinking eye
Seven on a seven-and-seven
Steroid Receptiveness Exam
War cry
Vertical jump to replenish Cris Collinsworth’s feeder.
Gun target practice (Giants draftees disregard)
Pushoffs
Andrea Kremer stiff-arm
Tags: ksk group posts, NFL Combine
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February 25th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Vertical jump to replenish Cris Collinsworth’s feeder.
I like
February 25th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Is your mom hot and would I bone her behind your back, then tell you about it later. (Patriots draftees only)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
The Charles Haley Stroke-off?
February 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
What about “The Wreck of the Hesperus”?
February 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Ability to concentrate on anything except football (Cowboys draftees only)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Is everyone looking for the #1 DoucheBag? I wonder how big of a Douche you have to be to be #1.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
“Crossing the Desert” and “The Unblinking Eye” are almost the same.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
who holds back the electric car?
who makes steve guttenberg a star?
we do.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
- Application to join “No Homers Club” (Homer Glumplich already a member)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Baby-mama Elimination Drill (Panthers draftees only)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Buffet clearing exercises (Titans draftees only)
“Shoe cleaning” exercises (Titans draftees only)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Evening at a Strip Club
Wife/Girlfriend Beating
Child Support Avoidance
Dog Handling
Motorcycle Driving
Cheap Shotting (Steeler Draftees Only)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
what happened to the paddling of the sore ass … with paddles?
February 25th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Cowboys Rochambeau (Crack / Penis / Scissors)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
gun disposal (giants draftees only)
nude photo posing(steelers drafrees only)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Firearms Maintenance with Tank Johnson
February 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Shaving with Kyle Orton
February 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
On-field puking (Eagle QB candidates only)
Front yard sit-ups (like TO used to do)
February 25th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Hauling the Stone of Shame with Chris Henry
Hauling the Stone of Triumph with Tom Brady
Paddling of the Swollen Ass (with Paddles) with Osi Umenyiora
February 25th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
nude photo posing(steelers drafrees only)
/fears a Chris Cooley trade
//does not fear a Visanthe Shiancoe trade.
///does fear Visanthe Shiancoe
February 25th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Single elimination thumb wrestling tourney
February 25th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
No Paddling of Swollen Asses…with Paddles?
February 25th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
oops…jean luc picard up there beat me to that one.
Sort of.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
What do they do at the combine?!?! What *don’t* they do? Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Hidden Camera 101 w/Michael Strahan
February 25th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Staph infection 101 with Kellen Winslow (Browns draftees only)
February 25th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
- All-night rave dancing with Vince Young
- Working the land (please see King, Peter for your uniforms)
- BEEF MOE-ness
- Throwing your QB under a bus (for WRs only)
February 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
-Thanking Jesus in your post-victory interview
February 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Financial planning (optional, and completely unnecessary–the money will just roll in forever)
Boning Paris Hilton (required)
February 25th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Drunkenly attempt to kiss Suzy Kolber (Jets draftees only).
February 25th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Individual team workouts
New England – Goat handling for photo shoots with Tom Brady
Miami – Body disposal with Tony Soprano, er…Bill Parcells ball-fondling with Tony Sparano; also Peezy’s RESPECT clinic.
NY Jets – Destroying team harmony with Brett Farve and Eric Mangini (will not occur during 2009 combine)
Buffalo – Beef Moe with Marshawn Lynch; also proper firearm disposal
Pittsburgh – Smire time with numbel one leceivel Hines Wald…
Baltimore – Stabby time with Ray Lewis
Cincinnati – Translate Ocho Cinco’s thoughts with Marvin Lewis
Cleveland – Mediocrity 101 with Romeo Crennel (taught by Eric Mangini)
Indianapolis – Peyton Manning’s Cookie Licking (not as sexy as it sounds)
Houston – Toiling in obscurity with Andre Johnson
Tennessee – Shirtless Club Dancing with other men – Vince Young; also Racial Epithets with Kerry Collins
Jacksonville – Muscular Jaw Exercises with Jack Del Rio (guest speaker Bill Cowher)
San Diego – LASER FACE! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU! and devotional with Marmalard
Denver – Looking sullen while making $12 mil a year with Jay Cutlerfucker
Kansas City – I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING NUTS OFF! with Todd Haley
Oakland – Surviving on blood and no sunlight with Al Davis
NY Giants – Field Dressing with Plexico Burress (special guest FDNY paramedics)
Philadelphia – Competitive eating with Andy Reid
Dallas – LOCKDOWN! And BEING FUCKING CRAZY! – with the Double J
Washington – Overpaying with Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder
Green Bay – Competitive eating – special guest, the entire city
Minnesota – Backups are our new QB plan
Chicago – Trying to stay relevant (hosted by Jim McMahon and Mike Ditka)
Detroit – Surviving the end-times (guest speaker Kurt Warner)
Seattle – Competitive eating support group (hosted by Jim Mora Jr.; guest speaker Mike Holmgren)
San Francisco – BEING FABULOUS! and surviving Charles Haley’s Jelly Rope Assault (hosted by Jeff Garcia)
Arizona – Are you Larry Fitzgerald? Get the fuck lost…
St. Louis – Winning a Super Bowl, a history
Tampa Bay – Glaring and cursing – Jon Gruden (will only be televised on NFL-N)
Carolina – Being competitive every five years
Atlanta – Dog training with Michael Vick (now hosted by Matt Ryan and renamed “Why I’m not black”)
New Orleans – Hurricane tolerance
February 25th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“Pose for men’s magazine fashion shoot (white QBs only)”
YA FAHGAHT WELKAH!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Nude photography with Santonio Holmes
English as a second language with Marshawn Lynch
February 25th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Matt’s H S Wow! If you composed that shit at work…you deserve a raise!! Good stuff all around, people!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I thought that the dead hooker lift was only an important drill if the Bengals were planning on drafting you.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape
February 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Wait… so are the Patriots supposed to be racist now too?? I thought that was just the fans! I’m so conufsed…
February 25th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
this is crap, seriously NOT FUNNY..done w/ this junk blog
February 25th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Firearms Maintenance with Tank Johnson
Firearms Maintenance with Plaxic—-Oooowwwww!
February 25th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
How to wash U Ass (please see Laurence Maroney for this required seminar)
February 25th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
- Bus tossing QB’s (WR’s) (I know it is a repeat)
- Get pissed at idiot kickers (a la Pey Pey)
- Bus toss O-line (QB)
- Bus toss defense (offense)
- Bus toss offense (defense)
- Talk for 10 minutes, say nothing
- Practice moves that won’t be fined for as celebrations
- get in prayer circle; do you have the right form?
February 25th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
• Disrespect-Detection Dash
• War Metaphor Drill
• Character Profile: Born-Again Christian Asshole or Degenerate Date-Raping Asshole (there are only two types in the NFL)
• Spousal Abuse One-On-One Drills
February 25th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Bart, stop that!
It’s Lisa’s turn.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Mouf fixing?
February 25th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
40 lb box of rape toss
February 26th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Broad Slap?