It’s often said that the drills used at the NFL Combine are inadequate, that they don’t capture many of the critical nuances that separate NFL-grade talent from Ted Ginn Jr. That’s why we at KSK are lobbying for the inclusion of the following drills so that teams are better able to judge how an athlete will hold up when faced with the rigors of the NFL. Also, they’d be fun to watch.

  • 40-yard dash with 32-inch plasma TV under one arm
  • Name-dropping contest at Jillian’s with Peter King
  • Pick-a-Groupie (“Ten road whores of varying skeezyness are lined up and each prospect has to choose the most appealing and least dangerous of the bunch.”)
  • Softball toss with Keyshawn Johnson
  • Meadow stroll with Brett Favre
  • Couples dance with Jason Taylor
  • Pain tolerace with LaDainian
  • Laundry competition against Hines
  • Steam bath with Jamal Anderson
  • The Booth of Verbal Abuse with Coach Haley
  • Melanin litmus test (Patriots draftees only)
  • [Presented with a map] Locate a map
  • Oyster shucking
  • Mock Press Conference
  • Endorsement sincerity drill
  • Bug implementation (Patriot draftees only)
  • Stereotype-reinforcing dance moves (Raven draftees only)
  • Towel dispenser dismantling speed (Steelers draftees only)
  • Pose for men’s magazine fashion shoot (white QBs only)
  • 30-foot sprint from club door to slowly accelerating SUV.
  • Motorist belt whip
  • Post-play referee cajoling (“Complain more shrilly! Why aren’t you huffy!? GET HUFFY!”)
  • Sinner curl (opposite of preacher curl)
  • Double Stuf Oreo Licking
  • Crossing the desert
  • The unblinking eye
  • Seven on a seven-and-seven
  • Steroid Receptiveness Exam
  • War cry
  • Vertical jump to replenish Cris Collinsworth’s feeder.
  • Gun target practice (Giants draftees disregard)
  • Pushoffs
  • Andrea Kremer stiff-arm