Peter King Demands You Invite Him To Your Wedding
It’s the NFL offseason now, so you might think Peter King would go take some time off to, I don’t know, work the land, or discover strange new urinals to relieve himself in, or buy people free dinners and then remind them that he bought them a free dinner. You might think Peter would go on vacation at a tropical resort of some kind.
BUT PETER KING RESPECTS THE SUN FAR TOO MUCH TO DO THAT.
Instead, King has other things in mind.
I need to relive the Steelers’ last drive of the Super Bowl. I want to relive it.
I want to invent a time machine, and go back in time to tell my past self about the amazing drive I’m about to witness. Because my past self was far too busy asking the staff at Raymond James Stadium to refill the spinach dip bowl. Len Pasquarelli ate all the spinach dip. Good for him. Sick people need to eat. But where I come from, when the spinach dip goes empty, you refill it for people. That’s common courtesy, people. Raymond James Stadium employees, you have a long way to go before you get to work the Capital Grille.
4. Not sure I’ve ever heard John Madden as excited about a play as he was about Holmes’ winning touchdown catch. A guttural “UNBELIEVABLE” came out of Madden’s mouth when he knew Holmes had kept both toes inbounds and fallen to the ground in possession of the ball.
That’s far from the only guttural sound to ever come from John Madden’s mouth. Here now are ten others:
1. HUHHUHWHOA!
2. ITELLYABRETTFAVRE!
3. FRUH!
4. BRECHHH!
5. GUMMA!
6. AMAZEBOOM!
7. DUCKEN!
8. MUDDY!
9. PERFECTPASS! (spit when you say the P)
10. YOUSEETHAAAAA??!!!
Big Ben will never have a championship game drive like this again — 88 yards, trailing by three, final three minutes, starting with a first-and-20, eschewing anything like a play-it-safe mode, ending with one of the great clutch passes thrown in the NFL.
Lofty words. True words.
Look at the stature of my words!
Roethlisberger is an interesting case.
He’s the only person I’ve met who thinks jelly donuts are cultivated.
I’ve asked other quarterbacks — Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, Tom Brady — about big plays and big drives, and they remember tiny details. They’re like Tiger Woods going shot-by-shot on a Thursday round (particularly Peyton), able to tell you why he went with the three-iron instead of the four-, 278 yards out from the tall grass on the seventh hole. Not Ben.
He’s that special kind of retarded.
“I don’t remember a lot of the plays from that drive,” he said. “I just don’t remember things in great detail like that.”
“But I had a lot of fun out there playing volleyball against the Blue Jays.”
Roethlisberger has oversized hands, and when he pumped the ball to Moore, he did more than pump…
He worked the tip!
Quote of the Week II
“The Oakland Raiders are back. We’re going to go win football games and we’re going to be a playoff team. You hear me? I’m not afraid to say that.”
-Raiders coach Tom Cable, upon having the “interim” tag removed from his job title on Wednesday.
Oooooh! He’s so ballsy! Empty bravado from the Raiders? That’s such a refreshing change! OMG look! Coach Cable just rolled a pack of cigarettes up his sleeve! And he’s challenged the other teams to a drag race at the Point! THAT YOUNG TURK DON’T GIVE A DARN ABOUT NOTHIN’!
When I looked through it, there was actually much more we could have called if we wanted.
-NFL vice president of officiating Mike Pereira
When I looked through the tape, we could have been even MORE petty dipshits than we really were. You folks in the audience got lucky. We could have easily made that game last nine hours. So go fuck yourselves.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Sight to behold on the day after the Super Bowl at the Orlando Airport: Group of Steelers fans, getting ready to fly home, seated in the Continental departure area, waiting for a flight to Newark. They’re happy. They’re disheveled. One 40-ish man, portly, has a black Penguins T-shirt on, and he’s eating some chicken, and he doesn’t have a napkin, and when he finishes, he takes the bottom of his T-shirt, lifts it up, wipes his mouth with it — revealing a huge and hairy stomach –and then wipes his hands with it.
Yep. Quite a sight to behold. John Madden saw it and let out a guttural THATSJUSFOOTBALL. By the way, this is an accurate description of most any Steelers fan. You people are fucking pigs. I’m surprised you have time to yell out support for your team in between inhalations of gorgonzola fries. You people are the most down to earth people I know. And by down to earth, I’m mean you’re all so fucking fat that you can’t resist gravity enough to stand on your hindquarters. Oh, but you have six Super Bowl titles to brag about! Nice. I’ll be sure to congratulate you when you’re bagging my groceries.
I think everyone doing free-agent lists should add one name in pencil: Terrell Owens. I’ll bet you a month’s worth of lattes he’ll be free in six weeks.
Just doing my calculations… and yes, a month’s worth of Peter King’s latte supply WILL indeed fill the Caspian Sea basin. But at least he didn’t put his daunting crumbcake supply on the line as well.
I think Jon Gruden is absolutely, positively right. “Tim Tebow is a Wildcat who can throw. This guy is 250 pounds of concrete cyanide.”
Gruden would love to have him as his QB, only to dump him three weeks later for the first asshole available on waivers. Concrete cyanide, by the way, is by far the most effective form of cyanide. People can never tell if they’ve inhaled a cinder block or not.
(Todd) Haley first coached under Bill Parcells with the Jets, and this is the advice Parcells had for Haley when the pupil phoned the teacher for advice last week: “Don’t [screw] it up.”
That’s just the kind of first class advice I’d expect from Bill Parcells. “Oh, you got a new job? Hey, don’t fuck it up. Or I’ll rape your wife’s mouth. I know how to motivate people. Where’s my frozen custard?” But that wasn’t the last piece of advice Parcells gave Haley:
-”Hey, win lots of games and shit, you fuck.”
-”Run the greasy slope plays when you can.”
-”Don’t fucking lose, asshole.”
-”Win a Super Bowl, cuntfuck.”
The man is a master.
I think some of you might not agree with me, but I’m boycotting the worst all-star game in sports history, the Pro Bowl. You’ll have to look elsewhere to read about meaningless nothing.
Okay, let me look elsewhere for meaningless nothing. Oh, here it is in the next paragraph!
8. I think one of the biggest MMQB fans on the planet, Michael Whelan of New Orleans (formerly of Detroit), got married over the weekend and deserves a kudo or two, particularly for finding such a lovely gal in Emily Edwards. But Michael: No invite for the Kings of Montclair? Come on!
So if you’re an aspiring sportswriter, children, be sure to follow these simple rules:
1. Always use your column to privately address people no one in the audience knows or gives a shit about.
2. And BE SURE to bitch people out publicly for not inviting you to their wedding
We sat home Saturday night and watched Casablanca!
It’s this cool new movie I just saw! Have you heard of it?
How dare you not invite Peter to your wedding, Michael. He could have come in, talked on his Bluetooth the whole time, bitched about the free food, and then written about the traffic. NEW ORLEANS, YOUR TRAFFIC IS OUT OF CONTROL.
David Beckham should be ashamed. Nice message he sends to his children and to the soccer community full of children by signing a five-year contract with Major League Soccer in 2007, opening a soccer academy in California, then trying to walk out on the deal last week because he likes his new team in Milan. Play hardball, Don Garber. Get a ransom for the bum.
How dare Beckham commit to one team, then leave it twisting in the wind as he decides whether or not to leave them? Brett Favre would NEVER do that. Not with all the Junior Percocet clinics he’s helped set up in South Jersey!
Nice friends you’ve got there, Michael Phelps. Even if a total stranger snapped that photo at the University of South Carolina, the mercenary who took it and sold it should be more ashamed than Beckham.
THAT’S THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD LET A KIT KAT MELT.
e. Whoa, Coldplay. Heck of a performance at the Grammys last night. Tremendous. That’s a band I need to see.
I never knew music could be so sterile and lifeless! Move over, U2! I’ve got new harmless background music for all my affairs!
(SIDE NOTE: I watched the first two minutes of the Grammy Awards last night, when U2 debuted a new song. And apparently, that new song is “Wild Wild West” by the Escape Club.)
f. Nice week for Jennifer Hudson, starting with the National Anthem at the Super Bowl and ending at the Staples Center with a live performance at the Grammys. Gutsy.
You define clutch. And if you also define loose, Peter may have to undo his belt.
g. If I don’t see Gran Torino soon, I’m going to scream.
THE EXTORTION CONTINUES! I BET MERRIL HOGE AND MARK SCHLERETH GOT TO SEE IT! THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, peter king
February 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
know how I know Peter King is gay?…he likes cold play
February 9th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
“concrete cyanide” , talk about chemistry
February 9th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
When I looked through it, there was actually much more we could have called if we wanted.
-NFL vice president of officiating Mike Pereira
Nice game ya got here. Be a shame if someone wuz to, oh, slow it down to a crawl?
February 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
When I looked through it, there was actually much more we could have called if we wanted.
-NFL vice president of officiating Mike Pereira
probably much more against the Steelers since they went light against them originally, ammaright???
February 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
“Win a Super Bowl, cuntfuck” should totally replace “Commitment to Excellence” on the Raiders’ front office plaque.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I watched the first two minutes of the Grammy Awards last night
You deserve a medal. The Grammys have been dead to me ever since they awarded Jethro Tull the Grammy for Best Metal Album. Yeah, I know the flute is made out of metal, but I think the Grammy grandmas were missing the point there.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
That’s far from the only guttural sound to ever come from John Madden’s mouth. Here now are ten others:
You forgot “BOOMTOUGHACTINTINACTIN” and “ACEISTHEPLACEFORHELPFULHARDWAREFOLKS”
February 9th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Which “P” do I spit when saying it or is it both “Ps”?
February 9th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
And apparently, that new song is “Wild Wild West” by the Escape Club.
The B-side is “Beds are Burning” by Midnight Oil.
(is there even such a thing as a B-side anymore?)
February 9th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
This guy is 250 pounds of concrete cyanide.
I don’t think you levied the proper amount of ridicule for this sentence. I think an entire post was necessary to truly appreciate the sheer idiocy of that term.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
“Wild Wild West” by the Escape Club.
Embarassing cassingle Drew once owned that will not fire you up?
February 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Concrete cyanide isn’t poisonous, but if you smash someone in the face with it, it’ll do a lot of damage.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“Big Ben will never have a championship game drive like this again”
Pretty much playing the odds here…
Stating obvious truths and making them sound wise.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
2009 has been pretty good to Jennifer Hudson so far. She should have her family murdered more often.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
“The Oakland Raiders are back. We’re going to go win football games and we’re going to be a playoff team. You hear me? I’m not afraid to say that.”
Straight out of the Barry Switzer quote book. At least Switzer had a good team to coach thanks to Jimmy Johnson. What does Cable have to coach? A bigger turd than Barry Switzer?
February 9th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Wow, that new U2 song is embarassingly bad. Stick to saving the world, Bono.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
He enjoyed the film but King can’t figure out for the life of him why they chose to shoot Casablanca in black and white. And Will Smith should have starred in it.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
And apparently, that new song is “Wild Wild West” by the Escape Club.)
and radio head used the USC marching band, cause that’s never been done by egomaniacal bloated rock stars before, …..Luckily you missed that
February 9th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@ Stu: Nice call on the tinactin. I forgot all about that shit.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I also turned the Grammys on for 2 minutes, luckily it was when Carrie Underwood was on stage.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Playing the game, you’ve devoted your life to, in a place where somebody actually cares? Becks is crazy, I tell you!
February 9th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Isn’t “Wild Wild West” by The Escape Club just a ripoff of “Pump It Up” by Elvis Costello?
February 9th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
“Big Ben will never have a championship game drive like this again”
Pretty much playing the odds here…
Stating obvious truths and making them sound wise.
“Will Ben once again lead his team on a game-winning drive in the final minutes of the Super Bowl shortly after a devastating lead-changing touchdown pass by the opposing team, capping it off with it a pristine throw and catch to Santonio Holmes who just barely keeps his feet in-bounds? I got a feeling the answer is no.”
February 9th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I would like a post on the chemical properties of concrete cyanide, and how it interacts with Inanium.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
“You’ll have to look elsewhere to read about meaningless nothing.”
this might be the closest we’re going to get to PK giving KSK a shoutout
February 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Isn’t “Wild Wild West” by The Escape Club just a ripoff of “Pump It Up” by Elvis Costello?
Which was originally “Buffalo Gals” by that polite young man with the megaphone. The Kid, I believe they called him. Always said “thank you” after his songs.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Oh, but you have six Super Bowl titles to brag about! Nice. I’ll be sure to congratulate you when you’re bagging my groceries.
Like bagging Drew’s groceries is a one person job.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Am I the only one here who likes the new U2 song? Also, would it help or hurt my case if I also admitted to owning/enjoying the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss disc?
/checks mirror for gayness
February 9th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
The polite young man with the megaphone named The Kid coined the term “thank you.” I mean, everyone says it now, but he started it!
February 9th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Peter King does not know the meaning of words.
What the fuck is “concrete cyanide”? Is that an actual thing?
Also, “You’ll have to look elsewhere to read about meaningless nothing.” Yes, but where can we find so much of it in one convenient place?
February 9th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Listen, he’d have given Bekham a pass if he had just RETURNED HIS CALL!!! why? David Beckham?? whyyyyy???
February 9th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Good, I’m not the only one who was surprised that Coldplay could be eligible for best Rock album.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
He called Beckham and Beckham said “Look, I’m just trying to win a title and if it has to be over here so be it”. It’s true he still has it saved in his voicemail.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I hear the lead singer of Coldplay is married to Gwenyth Paltrow – look out for her, America, she’s one starlet you need to keep an eye on!
February 9th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Like bagging Drew’s groceries is a one person job.
+1
February 9th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Like bagging Drew’s groceries is a one person job.
Each Steelers fan sounds like they need to buy two tickets when they go on a flight, so…
February 9th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
So, Drew, when you go shopping to you have one cart of munchies, and one cart of actual groceries?
February 9th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
See, no one can define concrete cyanide. And no one knows how crucial it is to quarterbacking. BUT IT TOTALLY MEANS TIM TEBOW WILL BE A HALL OF FAMER.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Gran Torino kinda sucked.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
“How dare Beckham commit to one team, then leave it twisting in the wind as he decides whether or not to leave them? Brett Favre would NEVER do that. Not with all the Junior Percocet clinics he’s helped set up in South Jersey!”
- BRA-FUCKING-VO Drew!!!
February 9th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Oh, and I love how King is already trying to butter up Tebow for a truly epic fellating once he comes into the league.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
“Am I the only one here who likes the new U2 song? Also, would it help or hurt my case if I also admitted to owning/enjoying the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss disc?”
The U2-induced gayness is powerful in this one
February 9th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@Devin Hester
Yeah… he’s already set to kick Favarro out of bed and fluff Tebow next year… that AND a healthy Brady, and King’s mouth is gonna be awfully busy.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Concrete Cyanide = my 2009 fantasy football team name
February 9th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
He was quoting Gruden with the “concrete cyanide” thing, right?
February 9th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Reading PK makes it seem like Ned Flanders might actually be a real person.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
PK and Ben are quite the modern-day Boswell and Johnson
King: I’ve just spent two hours watching your game-winning drive. I’d watch a play and then spend fifteen minutes thinking about honey-glazed ham. What were you thinking as it unfolded?
Ben: I DON’T REMEMBER EVERYONE WAS SHOUTING
King: You were down by three. Jim Nantz proved that a field goal may have tied the game. Were you thinking that, too? Did Jim Nantz give you that information in time?
Ben: I LIKE SCORES
King: When I look at the tape, I was stunned, shocked, and could not believe you went back to Holmes exactly one play after he dropped the potential gamewinner. That was an absolutely autocratic decision on your part, which means showing faith in an uncertain situation. Why did you do make it?
Ben: I SAW LOTS OF RED SO I THROW HARD THEN LOTS OF YELLS AND SHINY PAPER IN THE SKY MY SIDE HURTS BUT I GOT A TROPHY
February 9th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I love this. I read King now and predict exactly where Drew’s going to rape his column.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Concrete Cynide is my new ff team name
February 9th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@Slideshow, see my comment at 2:00 pm. It’s cool as long as we aren’t in the same league.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
We all want to be like U UU.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
+1 Tice
February 9th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I liked the coldplay better than the U2. not a good sign.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
He was quoting Gruden with the “concrete cyanide” thing, right?
I think he was quoting a recently fired head coach who has had nearly as many gay QB flings as PK himself.
February 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
The seller of the Phelps photo came into possession of information about a prominent athlete and made some money off of that information. How is that different than what Peter King does for a living?
February 9th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
that coldplay guy sounds TERRIBLE live. he doesn’t have a good voice to begin with (does he try to juggle marbles in the back of his throat?), but LIVE he sounds like he’s doing jumping jacks or something, and is horribly out of breath.
it makes so much sense that PK was blown away by them. i’m sure he also loves ‘two and a half men’ and ‘according to jim’
they define shit.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
“the Kings of Montclair”
i think you need to make a weekly offseason column about the kings of montclair!
February 9th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
first episode could be set on “the land” with pk and favre…OH THE POSSIBILITIES
February 9th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Mark Madden interviewed PK today and his three favorite movies turn out to be:
Casablanca
North by Northwest
Animal House
/hopefully podcast soon on WXDX
February 9th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Boy, I’ll tell ya Jim, PK sure could have made Big Ben look like a retard. OH, Ben is a retard? Well, even better. Thanks Jim. That’ll come in handy…
February 9th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
I heard parts of Dan Patrick today. I chuckled, when Dan teased PK’s upcoming “visit” by saying PK is pretty sure Anquan Boldin won’t be back in AZ.
Really Peter? What bizarre info do you have that the rest of us don’t? Oh, you mean he spent the last three weeks hammering to get the hell out ??? What ESP you have.
I take back my comment of next week. I never want to meet PK even for a free dinner. He will call me out for not inviting him to my next Pampered Chef party. I just know it.
February 9th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Not next week, last week. Back to drinking.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:33 am
Wow PK, way to go out on a limb with the not-watching-the-Pro-Bowl thing. You wily freelancer, you don’t play by the rules!
February 10th, 2009 at 1:37 am
People still watch the Grammies?
Damn. That’s “Kevin Spacey drinking Brandy Alexanders with Jeff Garcia, watching Project Runway” gay.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Concrete Cyanide… and to think my new emo/ska/punk band almost went nameless.
February 10th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Thank you, Peter King for making my fandom of Coldplay even more uncool. You fat twat.