PFT hacked, Robert Smith wanted for questioning. Somebody managed to hack Mike Florio’s Pro Football Talk this morning. For a brief period when you attempted to access the site all that would come up was a basic WordPress page with a single post referring to Florio as a “giant bag of douche.” The site is back online after a brief disturbance. So fear not, you can now return to your regularly scheduled Sprint ads. [Pro Football Talk] Update: It looks like the site is down now. Apparently Florio’s new hamster hung himself with his own tail. It would be sad if it weren’t so damn cute.

I have two modest goals in life. The first is to own a Jet Ski. If you own a Jet Ski, that means you have enough money in the bank to waste on a Jet Ski, which is nice. It also means you live on a body of water, and I would very much like to live on a body of water. All the better for dumping all the political canvassers I murder at my door.

My second goal is to live the exact same kind of life that Anthony Bourdain leads. That’s him in the above video, eating a live cobra heart. Mmm… dangerous. I watch Bourdain go to a new country every week on “No Reservations,” eating insanely good food and getting blitzed with locals on a nightly basis. Now THAT’S a solid life. Go anywhere you fucking want, know someone everywhere you go who knows exactly the best places to go, and stuff your fucking face. Oh, and presumably do lots of local brown heroin. Bliss. There should be an Anthony Bourdain Travel Agency, where you can just do all the shit he does in any given episode. I’d take that over Liberty Travel.

So, in the spirit of Bourdain, we bring this week’s draft of cities to own a luxury residence in. The rules:

1. Serpentine Draft
2. 3 rounds
3. Once a city is taken, its host nation is off the board
4. You get a luxury penthouse/home in any city you choose
5. It is assumed you have enough money in the city you choose to go out and dine as you please. A car and driver are also provided.
6. Your marital status is unchanged for this draft (ie, flub and I still have a wife and kids to worry about and what not).

One rule I forgot before we started this draft was to, you know, PICK A FUCKING CITY. As with any draft we hold, what started as a nice exercise in travel porn devolved into petty squabbling over exactly what constitutes a “city.” The dictionary refuses to provide a solid population figure for guidance. Fucking dictionary. And so, we spent an inordinate amount of time trying to define an abstract term which shouldn’t really ever be abstract. (My argument is that cities are, you know, REALLY FUCKING BIG AND HAVE BUILDINGS AND SHIT.) That didn’t stop Punter and habitual rule breaker Maj from trying to draft obvious non-cities. Morons. Anyway, the order:

Ufford
Drew
Punter
Maj
Ape
Flub

And we go.

1. Ufford – New York City, USA

Simply put: the best city in the best country. Although a high-rise penthouse in South Beach might’ve been nice.

2. Drew – London, England

I’ll pick a warm weather city later. For now, I’ll take a penthouse overlooking Hyde Park, drink in every possible pub I can find, go to rock shows at the Astoria, and stuff my face with tikka masala.

And here’s where the draft began to go wrong…

3. Punter – George Town, Cayman Islands

Great weather, high standard of living, plus no income tax or capital gains tax. Lots of golf, too, if you can get past the fact that they use non-conforming balls they use for the shorter courses. But then, my balls have never been conforming.

Wonderful, but it only has a population of 20,000. NOT A FUCKING CITY, ASSHOLE. Punter argued that population density and the fact that George Town is a capitol should factor in. (As if the Cayman Islands really needs a capitol seat of government). Whatever. FUCKING QUINZEE HAS A BIGGER POPULATION. YOU’RE NOT ADHERING OT THE SPIRIT OF THE DRAFT, TUBBY!

4. Maj – Amsterdam, The Netherlands (duh)

You know, for the Anne Frank House.

That Isolator hash sure is pricey. Though I bet it lives up to its name and then some.

5. Ape – Tokyo, Japan

All the tentacle rape I can handle!

/can’t handle very much

Ape also neglects to mention that you can head to the fish market in Tokyo, have them filet a live mackerel in front of you, and eat the mackerel as it’s still alive and wriggling around, nailed to the cutting board, watching you eat him. NICE.

6. Flubby – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

7. Flubby – Paris, France

I’ve never been to either one, but I would have them running on Flubby Standard Time inside of 6 months.

8. Ape – Sydney, Australia

FUCKER TOOK MY BIRTHPLACE! YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS, MONKEYMAN!

9. Maj – Vancouver, Canada

Maj actually first selected the town of Whistler (pop. 9,000), outside of Vancouver. Again, NOT A FUCKING CITY.

10. Punter – Hong Kong, China

Am I picking cities in which to relax or just organizing a multinational banking conspiracy?

11. Drew – Florence, Italy

Always wanted Tuscan villa.

12. Ufford – Barcelona (pronounce it BARTHELONA), Spain

Two words: Catalonian. Tapas. Wait, no. Those are the wrong two words. I meant to say, “Spanish. Chicks.” Plus it’s right on the Mediterranean, so my luxury residence is gonna have a hell of a view.

13. Ufford – Buenos Aires, Argentina

It’s nicknamed the “Paris of South America.” So basically somebody took a major European metropolis and filled it with South American women. How did I not select this city first?

14. Drew – Acapulco, Mexico

Had to take a Mexican city for my last pick. Always looked so inviting when they featured it as the main prize on Tic Tac Dough.

15. Punter – Antarctica

Well, someone’s being a stubborn wiseass.

16. Maj – Nassau, Bahamas

Incredibly beautiful island, easy access to and from the US, and plenty of fun to be had (gambling).

Yes Maj, but you’d have to walk outside in a bathing suit. THAT’S NOT PARADISE.

17. Ape – Dubai, Unites Arab Emirates

Quite entertaining if you’re megawealthy enough to afford it, and according to the rules of this draft, I am!

Indeed. Who wouldn’t want to ski in a warehouse?

18. Flub – Hamilton, Bermuda

With any luck, you’ll catch Michael Douglas and his oxygen tank!

Your picks in the comments. We’ll lift the country restriction. Kindly wait 10 picks before picking another city. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to jet set over to Rite Aid to buy a thermometer battery. Not quite Bourdainian existence I had envisioned for myself. Shit. I really need to be rich.

The NFL’s competition committee, of which thankfully Matt Millen is no longer part, is taking a look at the always contentious overtime structure this week. We don’t much mind the way things are handled now, but there is some room for improvement. Here now are some wholesale alternatives or slight tweaks of the currents rules for determining the winner of a game that cannot be decided in regulation.

Best rape joke wins

It was probably worth every penny. The NFL took their sweet fucking time before deciding to fine Santonio Holmes $10,000 for using the ball as a prop while celebrating his Super Bowl winning touchdown catch. DOES THAT MONSTER HAVE NO SHAME? Truth be told, the fine was levied not because Holmes used the ball as a prop, but instead because his celebration was an homage to LeBron James’ asinine chalk toss. I guess what I’m trying to say is that LeBron is ruining sports as we know it. [Schefter's Blog]

Maxwell Bump
Shepard “Shep” Houndclaw
Eddie Sidearm
Dash Worley, “Privatest Eye”
Smoke McCloud
Johnny C. Lately
Crescenzo “Cup” Pucino
Morris Longfellow
Vaughn von Renssalaer
Rex Abernathy
Rip Turlington IV (NOTE: wears eye patch)
Barnaby Frisco
Roscoe Tenpin
Hector O’Bannon
Chet Studebaker
Oscar Sweetwater
JJ McDuff (NOTE: Is currently parked in the inconspicuous Ford right down the street)
Ephraim Flintlock
Freddie Fong, The Fortune Teller
Elvin Armstrong
Stanley Brubeck (NOTE: Sleeps with and physically abuses all female clientele)
Harold Getz
Eddie Gumm
Arnold “Switchblade” Sanders
Tefilio “Tug” Toronado
Riff Hoback
Salvatore “Flatiron” Venuti (NOTE: Knows you’re queerin’ the details, Mister)
Fenster McCubbin
Moe Byrd (“Sorry, honey. This Byrd don’t sing.”)
Bruno “Deep Sleep” Kowolski
Walter “The Walnut” Baines (NOTE: He’ll never crack)
Frank “20/20” Salvatoriello
Jack Dobbins (NOTE: This whole thing’s gettin’ too big for him. He’s just tryin’ to make a living here.)
Puck Darlington
“Pop” Morgan, Sr.
The Hutch Brothers
Cliff Kastle (NOTE: He’ll never let you in)
Thurgood Badd
Mance L. Dinwiddie (NOTE: Plays all the angles)
Bones Goodwin
Sal Mandrake
Butch Longacre
Elroy Hirsch (NOTE: May be actual NFL Hall of Famer)
Harvey Lee Robinson
Nick Barque
Hubbs Lanscott (NOTE: Has midget assistant named Mancha)
Horace Traffort
Grayson “The Shadow” Lawson
Bix Weedmann (“I swear to Christ, Vern. One more reefer crack and I slug him. I don’t give a tinker’s damn how many stripes he’s got on his sleeve.”)
Clarence “Roughhouse” Hopper

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? TWEET YOU! A helpful soul has forwarded us what can no doubt be the actual Twitter feed of Marmalard. And he’s already cussing. YOU LIED TO US, YOU MAINSTREAM MEDIA JACKALS!

Noted cougar Hanna Storm doesn’t appreciate the overtures from her network superiors and has decided to take forceful action to block their unwanted advances. So in the end the bear gets punked as if he were a Georgetown student.

Because we haven’t gotten around to doing much animal carnage thus far this off-season (rape jokes consume so much of our time) a few more lie in wait after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!

(dips)

Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!

Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!

(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)

Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!

NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!

(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)

This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!

FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!

(dials phone)

HouseO: Word.

Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!

HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?

Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?

HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.

Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!

HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.

Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.

Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!

HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!

Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!

HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?

Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!

HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.

Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!

HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?

Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!

HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.

Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?

HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!

Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!

HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!

Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!

HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!

Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!

HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.

Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!

HouseO: Good one! Latah!

(hangs up)

So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!

(shows off Maori armband tattoo)

So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!

Beefcake on display in the Land of Shit.The annual meat market known as the NFL Combine has finally arrived and hundreds of potential draft picks have arrived in the Land of Shit (aka Indianapolis) to be poked, prodded, and photographed shirtless. All the buzz is currently centered around the amazing water-jumping defensive end out of San Jose State, and it’s only a matter of time before incredible 40 times are verified and embarrassing Wonderlic scores are leaked. God damn, I’m fucking bored already.

“A hammock is relaxing, unless you’re trying to masturbate in one. Then it’s AGONY.”