1. I’d rather eat a pancake than deliver one.
2. I hold the Alabama State Fair record for most deep-fried racks of ribs consumed (seven) in a an hour.
3. I weigh 332 pounds.
4. Fuck this, I’m going home.
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25. (Ed. note: Uhh…I don’t think he’s coming back.)
One of the secret benefits of the current economic death spiral is that, with cable ad rates plummeting, a sudden wellspring of retarded novelty product ads has sprung up virtually overnight. You, of course, know now about the ShamWow and the Snuggie. I’m not a big believer in the Snuggie. After all, the whole point of a blanket is for your girlfriend to give you a handjob underneath it without anyone noticing. But the Snuggie destroys that opportunity. If you don’t have your hands through the sleeves of your Snuggie, everyone is going to exactly where they are: on a cock somewhere.
Furthermore, the Snuggie seems awfully practical as far as novelty products go. It’s missing that one-of-a-kind uselessness inherent in products like the Showtime Rotisserie Grill (you can get a roto chicken for $5 at the store, with no risk of MASSIVE GREASE CONFLAGRATIONS), or that one asshole who sells DVDs about how to surf the internet, or Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers. Those are products worthy of a $7 production budget.
And now, I have found another. Good Christians, I give you THE PRAYER CROSS.
Finally, the classy type of accessory you need to wear to your Michael W. Smith concert. Best of all, hidden inside the Prayer Cross’ fabulous pseudo-crystalish center is THE FUCKING LORD’S PRAYER. The whole thing. Unexpurgated. No bullshit.
Now that’s one bitchin’ piece of jewelry. Think Jane Seymour’s double scrotum Zales design has the Lord’s Prayer hidden inside it? FUCK AND NO. The only thing you’ll see if you stare up close at a DeBeers diamond is the blood of a Sierra Leone refugee. And Jared the Galleria of Jewelry is run by filthy Jews with back hair. This is like a DVD Easter Egg, sent from resurrected Jesus himself.
Now, if you need the Lord’s Prayer in an emergency, all you have to do is press a cheap light prism against YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL. Did you just get t-boned by a tractor trailer and are pinned to the road by the flipped chassis of your vehicle? Well, shit on a shingle, you got salvation hanging right around your neck. No need to wait for your preacher to show up and pray for you. Fucking preachers, always with the slow response time.
Why crack open a bible to see the Lord’s Prayer? That’s boring. Look how much fun kids have with this shit.
Awesome.
My hope is that this is only the beginning of novelty jewelry products that contain hidden biblical messages. Who wouldn’t like to own a cock ring that WAS SECRETLY TRYING TO UNGAY YOU? I know that would help me personally. What about earrings that tell the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? Or a chastity belt that features the entire section of Leviticus? A jeweled wonderbra that contains the entire Left Behind series? The possibilities are endless… FOR WORSHIP!
With the Prayer Cross, you can get more praying done on the go. Need Ruth Ginsburg’s cancer to metastasize? BOOM! The Lord hears you. Hoping to God that the Golden Corral is still open? Oh, you know it will be now, my friend.
So ditch that Snuggie, you heathen fuckfaces. The Prayer Cross is all you need to keep you warm at night.
Brandon Marshall: Jesus, we got minicamp already? Season just ended, man.
Champ Bailey: I know. But hey, at least Shanny’s gone. I hear the new guy is pretty chill. Easy to talk to. Real young. Real brainy.
Marshall: What do you mean by brainy?
(door flies open)
Josh McDaniels: Team! Team! Everyone bring it in! I’ve got some incredible findings I have to share with you. Gentlemen, I promised Mr. Bowlen that I would find new and innovative ways to win football games. I’d like to share one of these new techniques with you.
(throws filled syringes to players)
Bailey: What’s this?
McDaniels: AIDS.
Marshall: What?
McDaniels: That’s right, men. I’ve found a new way to get a physical and psychological edge on our opponents, particularly within the division. We’re going to give our opponents AIDS. And I don’t mean that dormant, Magic Johnson half-AIDS. I’m talking real Eazy-E AIDS. POWER AIDS.
Bailey: I don’t want to give anyone AIDS.
Marshall: Don’t you have to be a gay to give people AIDS?
McDaniels: No, men. Gays only GET AIDS. These syringes are for injecting your opponent, not yourselves. You see, like drop kicks, there’s nothing explicit in the NFL rule book forbidding us from giving AIDS to our opponents. That’s why, starting today, I want to do more AIDS drills and AIDS conditioning. If you see exposed skin on the field, I want you to grab your syringe, yell BALL, and then deliver that AIDS blow quickly and aggressively. Nothing will break an opponent’s will like a good dose of AIDS.
Bailey: That’s true. I hear AIDS, like losing, is contagious.
McDaniels: And this isn’t any ordinary AIDS, men. This is horse AIDS, which I will now rechristen Bronco AIDS. It’s a strain that’s impervious to typical AIDS cocktails. I’ve placed it in the coolers around the field, marked POWER AIDS. That lets you know it’s real Bronco AIDS, and not some kind of gay thirst quencher or diet candy.
I’ve studied a lot of tape on other teams, gentlemen. And while many of them can do thing like pass, and run, and tackle, they all have a common weakness we can exploit: THEY DO NOT LIKE AIDS.
Marshall: Coach is right. I heard Peyton Manning gets happy feet when he gets AIDS.
Bailey: I heard that too.
Marshall: I also heard Al Haynesworth will give up if you give him AIDS long enough.
McDaniels: You’re forced to abandon a lot of game plans when you get megahorseAIDS, gentlemen. Let’s say an opponent knows they can run on us. Well, if we can give them AIDS, they’ll abandon the run in favor of soothing their open lesions with a cold washcloth. Then we can pick them apart. Literally. Because they have AIDS.
Bailey: What about a team like the Steelers, who already have AIDS?
McDaniels: I’m glad you asked. Everyone, we’re in the middle of a new renaissance in football thinking. We have to start thinking outside of the usual marks for football accomplishment: TD’s, yards, sacks, and so forth. We need to start focusing on the hidden parts of game that matter: like AIDS, and AIDS babies, and power rapes.
Marshall: Power rapes?
McDaniels: That’s right. Our quantitative analysis shows that many teams are susceptible to power raping. And I think we need to make that a bigger component of our offense. One good power rape can be worth nearly FORTY yards of field position, netting an extra .6 points per game on average. And that’s just from one rape. I’m going to have Hal, the strength coach here, record the number of explosive rapes we commit per game. Put simply: the more we rape, the more we win.
Bailey: Doesn’t raping people make you gay?
McDaniels: No. GETTING raped makes you gay. Raping another player makes you even MORE heterosexual, because it means you’ve turned other men into girls. Because you raped them. And then gave them AIDS. That’s how it works.
Now, I’ve taken the liberty of scripting our first 15 rapes for the game. What we want to do is set the tone. It’ll also help us learn how they’re game planning for our large Bronco penises. So we can make our rapejustments at the half.
Marshall: I’m not sure I’m ready to rape people.
Bailey: Yeah, I heard that’s how Merriman fucked up his knee.
McDaniels: Well, what we’re looking for here is balance. You want to be able to mix your AIDS and your rape. So you can set up the AIDS with the megarape. And we sometime we can use the AIDS as the rape.
Bailey: BANG!
McDaniels: But gentlemen, we’re not alone in this pursuit. I think you all know how much my old boss liked deploying the AIDS. He was obsessed with AIDS. And he was very good at finding new and creative ways to get AIDS more involved in the game. Other coaches are going to be scheming with AIDS, and rectal warts, and monkey herpes. THE GAME IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING. Think Tedi Bruschi isn’t ready to give you AIDS? He is. Now, here’s your playbook. Your AIDS plays are in the front. But be aware for the colored tabs indicating which plays are for dog rape, which are for germ warfare, which are for cum wiping, and which are for nipple biting. We’re going to get into nipple biting later in camp.
Marshall: Nipple biting?
McDaniels: That’s right, Brandon. Nipple biting can really throw a defense off. One second, they’re zone blitzing. The next, you’ve sunk your teeth deep into the thin pink tissue surrounding the areola, causing their nipples to leak a clear, viscous fluid. You really want to clamp down on that nipple and never let it go. Again, that’s inside the numbers, so it’s not holding if you bite nipples. That’s gonna throw teams for a loop, if they come to the line knowing you want to feast on their soft, hairy man-spouts. They’ll think twice about going over the middle then!
Marshall: If I bite Quentin Jammer’s nipple, I could then power through with an AIDS hit.
McDaniels: Now you’re getting the idea! So come on, gents. We’ve got a lot of practicing to do.
Bailey: Fuck, now I can’t WAIT until September, man! I’m gettin’ jacked for that first rape!
Marshall: I like this new coach! He’s a player’s coach. But he’s also good with x’s and AIDS.
McDaniels: My friends, we’ve only reached the tip of the nipple.
It’s often said that the drills used at the NFL Combine are inadequate, that they don’t capture many of the critical nuances that separate NFL-grade talent from Ted Ginn Jr. That’s why we at KSK are lobbying for the inclusion of the following drills so that teams are better able to judge how an athlete will hold up when faced with the rigors of the NFL. Also, they’d be fun to watch.
Steelers shirts of questionable licensing have been spotted in China. If anyone hears of any “Almondzona 54rdmylz” gear floating around Asia, please give Will Leitch a shout.
[ Mondesi's House ]
1. The only porn that does it for me is a good rape scene. And I’m not talking about that staged bullshit. The Belicock demands real tears.
2. I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.
3. I am an even bigger douchebag than you can begin to imagine. Number 2 on this list is just the tip of the iceberg.
4. I have developed four new methods to properly skin a cat. The hard part is keeping them alive.
5. Art Modell stole my idea to move the Browns.
6. I keep the clippings from every haircut I’ve ever had at a storage facility in New Jersey.
7. I’m pen-pals with Kim Jong-il. Good guy. Misunderstood.
8. Grumble.
9. I hired private investigators to follow every prospect we scout for the NFL Draft.
10. Plus I have a mole in every other team’s war room.
11. Scott Pioli is a figment of my imagination.
12. Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.
13. Bobby Knight is a fucking pussy.
14. I once fired an assistant coach for showing up to the practice facility wearing the very same sweatshirt I had briefly considered wearing.
15. I always piss clear.
16. And i always shit green.
17. I’m giving up two things for Lent this year. Carbs and forced sodomy.
18. I induced Tedy Bruschi’s stroke as a team-building exercise. He seemed cool with it.
19. My second toes were longer than my big toes so I ground them down to fall in line.
20. I have a cat named Bonkers whose life I value more than any human in my life.
21. Yes, I skinned Bonkers.
22. I fashioned a crude ushanka out of his pelt.
23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.
24. You need new sheets.
25. And a new bed.
A Denver motorist alleges LenDale White beat him with a belt following a minor traffic accident. However, authorities have declined to pursue charges against the Titans running back, citing conflicting evidence. The Titans have to be pleased that White is getting some modicum of exercise during the off-season.
According to the report, White, listed as an unknown suspect, “began striking the victim with a belt and belt buckle’’ before the parties got in their vehicle and fled. Hoch required hospitalization for lacerations, the offense report stated.
Murray said the case was thoroughly investigated by detectives, with numerous interviews and a review of evidence. “But there is evidence which contradicts these statements,’’ Murray said of the report . “The reason the case got dismissed is the evidence contradicts the statements.’’ Murray said White fully cooperated with police officials. He said NFL officials expressed an interest in the case.
“We are aware of the incident and have no comment,’’ Coach Jeff Fisher said on Monday.
Damn, if LenWhale will whip a man over a little fender bender, can you imagine his reaction when somebody grabs the last snickerdoodle? Sah dah tay, my damie.
Bring Out Your Sexing and Footballing Inquiries. Limit one question about whether you should be aroused by Bring Out Your Sexing and Footballing Inquiries. Limit one question about whether you should be aroused by Dinosaurs Fucking Robots. And how to get a robot to give up anal. (It’s all about proper use of the <anal> tags).
Well folks, I know that we’re in a really bad economic climax. But I have to tell you that I was absolutely BLINDSPIDERED this week to learn that ESPN had germinated my contract. Now, I know I have room to improve linguini. Linguini, I struggle from time to time. Still, I don’t think that justified making me ABUNDANT!
That’s what they said. They said, “Emmitt, we have budget monsterfications we have to make, and that means getting rid of some abundancies.” And then they let me go! I don’t understand it. Maybe they outforced my job. All I know is that I have been DOWNSPICED! And I have to say, it is demonstrating. Truly demonstrating.
And that’s a shame. Because I thought I had a lot of interesting observatories to offer this year. Like about the Super Bowl. That game was a real BARNBOOGER! A lot of people asked me if this was the best Super Bowl ever. And I must say, it really was one for the aces! No doubt. To see the Steelers come back on that last drive, when the ships were cracked against them… THAT’S THE ESSENTIAL OF THE GAME RIGHT THERE!
WHAT A BARNBOOGER!
Although I must say I was surprised at how the season played out. Normally, you have to be able to run the ball, as we did when I was with the Cowboys. Normally, to win a Super Bowl, you have to import your willow on an opponent. YOU MUST MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!
But neither the Steelers or the Cardinals like to masturbate the ball down the feel! I wonder: are we going through a ski change in the league right now? Is masturbating the ball down the feel important anymore? Or is it more important to have a good areola game? Are we seeing a new egg and flow in how the game is played? That’s what I want to explore. THE BIG PITCHER!
Alaska, that won’t happen. And that’s too bad! Turns out I am just one of many people going through lakeoffs. YOU NEVER THINK A LAKEOFF WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. But it did. Wonder what I should do now. I’ll miss my friends at ESPN. Farting is the sweetest borrow. Abstinence makes the fart go yonder.
Maybe this is a good thing. That’s gonna be my aptitude. THE WHIRL IS MY ROOSTER NOW. No doubt. I think whatever doesn’t call you makes you straighter. Everything happens for a season. I’m not gonna swallow in self-titty.
If I’m Emmit Smith, I say to Emmitt Smith, “Look, fella. You’ve been made abundant. But no use crying over skilled milk. You gotta pull yourself up by your strap-ons! It’s like my momma said. If life gives you Lenny, you give Lenny AIDS! You will not be PROSTATED! YOU WILL DEFECATE YOURSELF HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE! AND YOU WILL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROAD!”
That’s what I would say to me.
