Open Legs by Jane Seymour
02.09.09[Tinkly piano bullshit]
My mother used to say always keep your legs open
It’s the only way to give and receive love
But sometimes you have to jam those legs shut to get the chintzy jewelry you want for Valentine’s Day.
That’s the inspiration behind my Open Legs collection at Kay Jewelers
I worked with Kay because it’s a chain of mall jewelers and only they would carry something so tacky that will appeal to high school juniors buying trinkets for their fuck buddies
My hope is that my Open Legs design becomes a universal symbol of relationship prostitution and lowered expectations. Because I’m a narcissistic cunt who thinks a doodle I made in five minutes can capture the imaginations of billions.
Because when your legs are open, love will always find its way in.
[Annoying sound signature]
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I’m loving your blog, totally procrastinating from what i need to get done right now but your posts rock.
Browse for more Women’s Lingerie
Lord Byron
It looks like a cross between my balls and the Astros logo
Definitely looks like a slithering snake.
Looks like the front of my Cobra!
I would love to open Jane Seymour’s legs. Just sayin’.
I’ve been searching for years for a simple symbol that could represent “half-assed”. Now I’ve found it. Thank you, Jane.
And by the way, why is this post title “Open Legs by Jane Seymour” and yet has no pictures of Ms. Seymour’s twat? I can’t be the only one who interpreted the title this way, can I?
Show your commitment to each other with this heart, broken open and then twisted. Most people will probably think that it looks like an ass or some character from another alphabet, but you and your prostitute will be able to tell them, no, it’s a crude rendering of a heart design, only torn open and disgusting. It’s the perfect symbol for how you feel about each other.
Priced for as much as $1,200, in case you REALLY fucked up but don’t want something that looks nice enough to attract a mugger.
Brian:
My wife’s drive certainly dried up after marriage and a child.
Ugh
I like all the Valentine-related advertising this post has generated on the site.
All I want for Valentine’s Day is a nut dicer. By that sham wow guy whose face is half frozen.
I bet it’s a lot cheaper and I won’t have to feel weird about having testicles around my neck.
That did not come out right.
W.A.S. — Tread lightly, my man. It’s a long way to next Valentine’s when you’ll finally get the chance to make it up.
Incidentally, the best Valentine’s present is lingerie.
I don’t know why, but I was expecting Marmalard to show up…THE FUCK? WHAT IS THIS SHIT? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, JANE SEYMOUR!
@slothrop: yup. you’re looking at balls.
i’m getting mine a toaster.
and yes, jane seymour’s old ass would get destroyed. especially if she’s still got that “wedding crashers” body.
I sense gifts ideas John Madden and Peter King to Favre…….
I enjoyed this immensely
Most women would prefer a vacuum cleaner than one of these.
RE “Because I’m a narcissistic cunt who thinks a doodle I made in five minutes can capture the imaginations of billions.”
The sad thing is, it probably will. Because nothing can make you feel special like a piece of jewelry identical to something a million other chicks own and that was promoted relentlessly for a couple of months on every single available TV channel. And probably print in every women’s magazine through the month of January.
It’s special, dammit! Special!
Nothing says “I love you” like a mass-marketed trinket that millions of other women with unimaginative boyfriends/husbands will also be wearing.
And, yes. Definitely balls.
@El Duke: If you are still “tearing” into #15 at 1pm then you have nothing to be ashamed of good sir. You sir, are a national hero!
It’s times like these I’m glad I’m single and don’t have to buy expensive shit for some suddenly prudish cunt. Of course, when Valentines Day actually rolls around and I’m tearing into my 15th beer by 1pm I’m sure I’ll be telling a different story.
Drew and I shared a moment about this very commercial several weeks ago. I felt it was an abstract representation of two dudes’ nutsacks during your run of the mill DP, or just a nutbag in general. Drew, if I remember correctly, opined it was “like some sort of bizarre testicular infinity symbol”.
Either way my friends, its balls. And Jane Seymour loves her some balls.
Every dick, it ends with “K”.
If that’s what it looks like between her legs, I’d rather stay out. It looks like it might bite me.
Uh, eddie … do you need to talk?
The most surefire way to curb a woman’s libido?
Wedding cake.
ANd then when her sorrority “sisters” get married, she loves to remind you of how awesomely successful her “sister’s” groom is.
Not even Ali Baba or Santonio Holmes can open up those gates after that.
Boy, I’ll tell ya, Jim, the photoshop job on the small painting in the background of the second pic up from the bottom really is inspired. Also, Jim, James Farrior mantraps street urchins and releases them on his estate so as to hunt them later. True story.
I’ve seen better finger paintings at the facility I go to when I want to make fun of retards.
You mean Fox News?
I’ve seen better finger paintings at the facility I go to when I want to make fun of retards.
It looks to me like a photopicture of some of that there cauliflower dick me and my buddies brought back from Nam.
Roger Moore taught us that the secret to getting Jane Seymour to spread her legs is as simple as a stacked deck of tarot cards.
I think it looks like a weird vagina
fwiw, Jane Seymour is a fine piece of plus 50 ass.
those are balls.
So are those built for speed or for comfort?
Are they still in the house?
I made you a card…by hand.
It’s still less noxious than that sweater wearing fairy trying to nail the deaf chick.
But can you motorboat them sumbitches?
it looks like an incomplete dog bone or saggy boobs in a mirror…
Still less irritating than the “ZOMG HE WENT TO JARED” commercials
It looks like an adorable little cock ‘n’ balls.
Hey, everybody! Come look at the cock ‘n’ balls!
While I agree with you, Ape, I’m not sure I understand your bile here. Your cat hitting you up for jewelry?
ghey
Looks like a back tumor and naked ass.