Open Legs by Jane Seymour
[Tinkly piano bullshit]
My mother used to say always keep your legs open
It’s the only way to give and receive love
But sometimes you have to jam those legs shut to get the chintzy jewelry you want for Valentine’s Day.
That’s the inspiration behind my Open Legs collection at Kay Jewelers
I worked with Kay because it’s a chain of mall jewelers and only they would carry something so tacky that will appeal to high school juniors buying trinkets for their fuck buddies
My hope is that my Open Legs design becomes a universal symbol of relationship prostitution and lowered expectations. Because I’m a narcissistic cunt who thinks a doodle I made in five minutes can capture the imaginations of billions.
Because when your legs are open, love will always find its way in.
[Annoying sound signature]
Tags: fucking jewlery ads, off-topic, xmas ape
February 9th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Looks like a back tumor and naked ass.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am
ghey
February 9th, 2009 at 10:19 am
While I agree with you, Ape, I’m not sure I understand your bile here. Your cat hitting you up for jewelry?
February 9th, 2009 at 10:22 am
It looks like an adorable little cock ‘n’ balls.
Hey, everybody! Come look at the cock ‘n’ balls!
February 9th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Still less irritating than the “ZOMG HE WENT TO JARED” commercials
February 9th, 2009 at 10:30 am
it looks like an incomplete dog bone or saggy boobs in a mirror…
February 9th, 2009 at 10:40 am
But can you motorboat them sumbitches?
February 9th, 2009 at 10:47 am
It’s still less noxious than that sweater wearing fairy trying to nail the deaf chick.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I made you a card…by hand.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:50 am
So are those built for speed or for comfort?
Are they still in the house?
February 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
those are balls.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I think it looks like a weird vagina
fwiw, Jane Seymour is a fine piece of plus 50 ass.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Roger Moore taught us that the secret to getting Jane Seymour to spread her legs is as simple as a stacked deck of tarot cards.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:02 am
It looks to me like a photopicture of some of that there cauliflower dick me and my buddies brought back from Nam.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I’ve seen better finger paintings at the facility I go to when I want to make fun of retards.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I’ve seen better finger paintings at the facility I go to when I want to make fun of retards.
You mean Fox News?
February 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Boy, I’ll tell ya, Jim, the photoshop job on the small painting in the background of the second pic up from the bottom really is inspired. Also, Jim, James Farrior mantraps street urchins and releases them on his estate so as to hunt them later. True story.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:10 am
The most surefire way to curb a woman’s libido?
Wedding cake.
ANd then when her sorrority “sisters” get married, she loves to remind you of how awesomely successful her “sister’s” groom is.
Not even Ali Baba or Santonio Holmes can open up those gates after that.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Uh, eddie … do you need to talk?
February 9th, 2009 at 11:19 am
If that’s what it looks like between her legs, I’d rather stay out. It looks like it might bite me.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Drew and I shared a moment about this very commercial several weeks ago. I felt it was an abstract representation of two dudes’ nutsacks during your run of the mill DP, or just a nutbag in general. Drew, if I remember correctly, opined it was “like some sort of bizarre testicular infinity symbol”.
Either way my friends, its balls. And Jane Seymour loves her some balls.
Every dick, it ends with “K”.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:42 am
It’s times like these I’m glad I’m single and don’t have to buy expensive shit for some suddenly prudish cunt. Of course, when Valentines Day actually rolls around and I’m tearing into my 15th beer by 1pm I’m sure I’ll be telling a different story.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@El Duke: If you are still “tearing” into #15 at 1pm then you have nothing to be ashamed of good sir. You sir, are a national hero!
February 9th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Nothing says “I love you” like a mass-marketed trinket that millions of other women with unimaginative boyfriends/husbands will also be wearing.
And, yes. Definitely balls.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:55 am
RE “Because I’m a narcissistic cunt who thinks a doodle I made in five minutes can capture the imaginations of billions.”
The sad thing is, it probably will. Because nothing can make you feel special like a piece of jewelry identical to something a million other chicks own and that was promoted relentlessly for a couple of months on every single available TV channel. And probably print in every women’s magazine through the month of January.
It’s special, dammit! Special!
February 9th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Most women would prefer a vacuum cleaner than one of these.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I enjoyed this immensely
February 9th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I sense gifts ideas John Madden and Peter King to Favre…….
February 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
i’m getting mine a toaster.
and yes, jane seymour’s old ass would get destroyed. especially if she’s still got that “wedding crashers” body.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
@slothrop: yup. you’re looking at balls.
February 9th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I don’t know why, but I was expecting Marmalard to show up…THE FUCK? WHAT IS THIS SHIT? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, JANE SEYMOUR!
February 9th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
W.A.S. — Tread lightly, my man. It’s a long way to next Valentine’s when you’ll finally get the chance to make it up.
Incidentally, the best Valentine’s present is lingerie.
February 9th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
All I want for Valentine’s Day is a nut dicer. By that sham wow guy whose face is half frozen.
I bet it’s a lot cheaper and I won’t have to feel weird about having testicles around my neck.
That did not come out right.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I like all the Valentine-related advertising this post has generated on the site.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Brian:
My wife’s drive certainly dried up after marriage and a child.
Ugh
February 9th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Show your commitment to each other with this heart, broken open and then twisted. Most people will probably think that it looks like an ass or some character from another alphabet, but you and your prostitute will be able to tell them, no, it’s a crude rendering of a heart design, only torn open and disgusting. It’s the perfect symbol for how you feel about each other.
Priced for as much as $1,200, in case you REALLY fucked up but don’t want something that looks nice enough to attract a mugger.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
And by the way, why is this post title “Open Legs by Jane Seymour” and yet has no pictures of Ms. Seymour’s twat? I can’t be the only one who interpreted the title this way, can I?
February 9th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I’ve been searching for years for a simple symbol that could represent “half-assed”. Now I’ve found it. Thank you, Jane.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I would love to open Jane Seymour’s legs. Just sayin’.
February 10th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Looks like the front of my Cobra!
February 10th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Definitely looks like a slithering snake.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
It looks like a cross between my balls and the Astros logo
November 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Lord Byron