Luke McCown Duels With Danger
02.12.09
Luke: Thanks for taking a chance on me, Coach Morris.
Raheem: My pleasure, Luke. Now, I can’t guarantee you a starting spot right away. But I do promise an open competition.
Luke: That’s all I ever wanted, Coach. I just want a fair shot. If I fall on my face, so be it. But I promise you, you will get my absolute best.
Raheem: Well, lemme show you the weight room.
Hovan: (squatting one rep of 500 with knee wraps on) GAHHH WHAT A RUSH!!! I’M SO FUCKING PSYCHED FOR THE SEASON… RAAHHH!!! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! HYUNH!
ALL PRO THIS YEAR! ALL PRO THIS YEAR! FUCK YES!
Luke: Holy shit, is he always like that?
Raheem: Pretty much. You’ll learn to ignore him like the rest of us have. Anyway Luke, before we get started, I do want to talk to you about one thing.
Luke: What’s that?
Raheem: Well, it’s about your competition…
(puerta flies open)
Gay Zorro: So eet begeens, el Negro! Gay Zorro always thought you were on hees side. Now he knows that you are thee most treacherous jefe of all!
(marks GZ on wall with jelly-filled dildo)
Raheem: Jeff, we’ve spoken about this many times.
Gay Zorro: After all Gay Zorro has done for los hijos de Tampa, thees ees how you repay him? By taking sides weeth a gringo? Have you learned notheeng from el rebellion? We cannot trust thee gringos, el Negro!
Raheem: Jeff, I understand you’re upset. Now, I’m sorry about this situation. But we aren’t here to hold you hostage. In fact, we’re happy to call any number of teams to recommend you for signing. You can even use our facilities for as long as you need…
Gay Zorro: SILENCIO!
(turns on fog machine, “Xanadu” soundtrack)
Luke: Coach, I can’t see.
Gay Zorro: Tell me, gringo. Do you know what eet ees like to fight against your own government?
Luke: What?
Gay Zorro: Have you ever cradled the little head of a hijo as he lay dying een your arms after la policia have burned your villages and raped your women?
Luke: Uh…
Gay Zorro: Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe een, gringo? Have you ever had to march een the street dressed een your best mermaid costume? HAVE YOU?
Luke: No.
Gay Zorro: Have you ever truly had to leed la gente eento the fire? Well, Gay Zorro has! Gay Zorro has walked eento el fuego! And he has always stood up for la gente, even while flameeng!
Luke: Look Jeff, I’m not here to cause any awkwardness.
Gay Zorro: There ees only one way to settle thees!
(whips out dick, ties radio antennae to it)
WE JOUST, GRINGO!!
Luke: Uh… no.
Gay Zorro: You cannot know what eet ees like to have thee burden of true leadership, gringo! No one can possibly know what eet ees like to be Gay Zorro. Eet ees a burden only GAY ZORRO can know! Sometimes, gringo, I wonder eef I need Gay Zorro more than the people need Gay Zorro! WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN LA GENTE CRY OUT FOR GAY ZORRO AND YOU ARE NOT THERE FOR THEM?!
(takes pants off, runs around with only cape on)
Raheem: Jeff, you’re being totally unprofessional about this.
Gay Zorro: You can’t catch Gay Zorro! He shall fly away. He shall fly away from you all! FLY GAY ZORRO! FLY!
(flaps arms)
Try to have that kind of escapabeeleetee, gringo!
Raheem: Come on, Luke. I’ll show you the training room.
Luke: Good idea.
Gay Zorro: ASESINOS! You never truly keel Gay Zorro, el Negro! He leeves on een the spirit of the people! ONE DAY, I SHALL PASS THIS GAY MASK TO ANOTHER! PROBABLY BRADY QUEEN! Gay Zorro weel never die!
GZ photoshop by 289.
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I really don’t think the previous post is from Betty.
“Wow, those sandwiches are chauvinistic assholes.”
Otto wins. Nadie denies thees.
(turns on fog machine, “Xanadu” soundtrack)
/dies
Brady Queeeeen? Brady Queeeeen? We don’t need no stinking Brady Queeeeen!
Just a few of the things that make Chris Hovan an asshole:
From Cleveland, played lacrosse in highschool and football at Boston College. He’s a ginger, an obese loudmouth full of ineffective rage and hollow machismo. The alien razor-wire tattoo tells you he’s badass and the Old Glory tatt below it says he’s more of a patriot THAN YOU.
This is the second time Drew’s reminded me the Chris Hovan is still alive.
What the hell is with McCown’s face? It’s like the eyes and mouth are smaller pushed down into the head more than they should be.
Drew’s finest work that doesnt involve a hardcover book or tales of blue cheese.
“Gay Zorro has walked eento el fuego! And he has always stood up for la gente, even while flameeng!”
Truer words have never been spoken–just ask TO.
Luckily, no one suspected the true identity of Gay Zorro, California landowner Bunny Garcia.
So would Brady Queeeeen be, like, the Gay Rob Roy? The Gay Braveheart? What nationality is Quinn? French? The Gay Pink Panther? Oh, wait…that movie’s out already…
/thought door flying open was going to be Marmalard…shoulda known better.
An invisble man, sleepin in your bed – Who ya gon call?
GAY! ZORRO!
I didn’t realize Gruden had signed Opie Taylor to his quarterback harem.
pretty sure luke mccown isn’t the answer
Oh you think so, doctor?
Y’ALL BETTER QUEEEF SOMEBODY!
Luke. Not Cade. Also known as Opie. sigh. Going for more caffeine.
Cade McCown, aka Opie.
Off topic, but I’m liking the interaction of the banner ads now that they’re rotating.
“Who says a full-time mom can’t be a full-time student?”
“OVEN-BAKED SANDWICHES!”
Wow, those sandwiches are chauvinistic assholes.
I’m looking forward to the “My Little Buttercup” rendition with Brady Quinn and Vince Young.
That picture of McCown is staring into my soul. Seriously…it’s disturbing.
“We want to defend ourselves. But how?
By using the skills and the talents of the people of Santa Poco. This is not a town of weaklings. You can turn your skills against El Guapo.
Now…what is it that this town really does well?
We can sew!
There you go.
You can sew.
If only we had known this earlier.”
@Mo Charlo: You made me go and find this!
“In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!”
@futuremrsrickankiel: He’s not that fag….he’s that dead fag. Cripes Uncle Homophobe, at least hate correctly.
Gay Zorro: Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe een, gringo? Have you ever had to march een the street dressed een your best MERMAN costume? HAVE YOU?
/dAndy’d
horale, padre grande drew. senor mullet le gusta.
el Negro ees a TRAITOR!
…ok, well, maybe not for the kids. You might want to leave your homophobic uncle who still won’t watch The Dark Knight because “that fag” is in it at home too.
had me at “puerta flies open”
Didn’t know the doors at KSK were multilingual.
A swashbuckling, excitement-filled romp for the whole family.
LUKE MCCOWN would suck the antenna off of Gay Zorro’s cock.
always get my mccowns confused
I get the McCowns confused with Cade McNown, who I confuse with Tim Couch.
So when is Gay Zorro going to take on Terrell “El Guapo” Owens?
Nothing about this is implausible. That’s what boggles my mind.
BRADY QUEEN!
Well done.
radio raheem with the ginger fetish. giggity.
Was in Tampa for Gasparilla this past weekend. First time I ever set foot in Florida. There were at least 20 gay Zorros prancing around. Fucked up city.
Ah, how I miss having Hovan in the North…