Luke: Thanks for taking a chance on me, Coach Morris.

Raheem: My pleasure, Luke. Now, I can’t guarantee you a starting spot right away. But I do promise an open competition.

Luke: That’s all I ever wanted, Coach. I just want a fair shot. If I fall on my face, so be it. But I promise you, you will get my absolute best.

Raheem: Well, lemme show you the weight room.

Hovan: (squatting one rep of 500 with knee wraps on) GAHHH WHAT A RUSH!!! I’M SO FUCKING PSYCHED FOR THE SEASON… RAAHHH!!! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! HYUNH!

ALL PRO THIS YEAR! ALL PRO THIS YEAR! FUCK YES!

Luke: Holy shit, is he always like that?

Raheem: Pretty much. You’ll learn to ignore him like the rest of us have. Anyway Luke, before we get started, I do want to talk to you about one thing.

Luke: What’s that?

Raheem: Well, it’s about your competition…

(puerta flies open)

Gay Zorro: So eet begeens, el Negro! Gay Zorro always thought you were on hees side. Now he knows that you are thee most treacherous jefe of all!

(marks GZ on wall with jelly-filled dildo)

Raheem: Jeff, we’ve spoken about this many times.

Gay Zorro: After all Gay Zorro has done for los hijos de Tampa, thees ees how you repay him? By taking sides weeth a gringo? Have you learned notheeng from el rebellion? We cannot trust thee gringos, el Negro!

Raheem: Jeff, I understand you’re upset. Now, I’m sorry about this situation. But we aren’t here to hold you hostage. In fact, we’re happy to call any number of teams to recommend you for signing. You can even use our facilities for as long as you need…

Gay Zorro: SILENCIO!

(turns on fog machine, “Xanadu” soundtrack)

Luke: Coach, I can’t see.

Gay Zorro: Tell me, gringo. Do you know what eet ees like to fight against your own government?

Luke: What?

Gay Zorro: Have you ever cradled the little head of a hijo as he lay dying een your arms after la policia have burned your villages and raped your women?

Luke: Uh…

Gay Zorro: Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe een, gringo? Have you ever had to march een the street dressed een your best mermaid costume? HAVE YOU?

Luke: No.

Gay Zorro: Have you ever truly had to leed la gente eento the fire? Well, Gay Zorro has! Gay Zorro has walked eento el fuego! And he has always stood up for la gente, even while flameeng!

Luke: Look Jeff, I’m not here to cause any awkwardness.

Gay Zorro: There ees only one way to settle thees!

(whips out dick, ties radio antennae to it)

WE JOUST, GRINGO!!

Luke: Uh… no.

Gay Zorro: You cannot know what eet ees like to have thee burden of true leadership, gringo! No one can possibly know what eet ees like to be Gay Zorro. Eet ees a burden only GAY ZORRO can know! Sometimes, gringo, I wonder eef I need Gay Zorro more than the people need Gay Zorro! WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN LA GENTE CRY OUT FOR GAY ZORRO AND YOU ARE NOT THERE FOR THEM?!

(takes pants off, runs around with only cape on)

Raheem: Jeff, you’re being totally unprofessional about this.

Gay Zorro: You can’t catch Gay Zorro! He shall fly away. He shall fly away from you all! FLY GAY ZORRO! FLY!

(flaps arms)

Try to have that kind of escapabeeleetee, gringo!

Raheem: Come on, Luke. I’ll show you the training room.

Luke: Good idea.

Gay Zorro: ASESINOS! You never truly keel Gay Zorro, el Negro! He leeves on een the spirit of the people! ONE DAY, I SHALL PASS THIS GAY MASK TO ANOTHER! PROBABLY BRADY QUEEN! Gay Zorro weel never die!

GZ photoshop by 289.