This Valentine’s Day, Lucy Pinder just wants to be sexy for you. She doesn’t want you to lavish her with gifts. Or an expensive dinner. Or any non-jerking effort at all. Though she probably prefers you keep the masturbating to still images of her on the Internet, rather than flying to England and accosting her on the street corner. At least that’s what my attorney tells me.

For those stuck saving valuable release on people who they’ve grown tired of, Jean Grae (the not-my-cat or comic-book-character one) offers a handy guide to breaking up with your girl. I especially like the beating-her-with-the-fax-machine method.

And as much as I hate jewelry ads and want to skewer them ever so truculently, Demetri Martin’s new show did a much better job of it than I did this year (even if it was the only good thing about the series opener).

For more Lucy loveliness, proceed after the jump. But try to look her in the eye for once. For the sake of the holiday, at least.

[Photo credits: the very NSFW Boobie Blog]