KSK O/T: The Sussex Speaks
02.11.09
Last night, 10-year-old Sussex spaniel Stump shocked the canine world when he took Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. The dog was ten years old! That’s what, 70 in dog years? That’s like Joan Rivers winning a Miss America pageant. Immediately after his victory, the champ granted a special interview to KSK, and we were more than eager to enjoy a conversation with the dog of the hour.
Fuckin’ kids these days, man. They don’t appreciate shit. Nothing. Every fucking day we were here, it’s “I wanna eat this, I wanna piss here, Why aren’t you rubbing my tummy?” I just wanted to paw these little faggots in the face and yell, “You’re in this show to compete, faggots! Not to have someone else lick your ass for you.” Of course, I didn’t do that. Only chows yell. Christ, those chows are fucking retarded.
And don’t get me started on the chocolate labs. Laziest fucking animals on earth. Dumber than shit. You know we tried to play fetch with those hydrant humpers? Someone throws the ball, and these numbnuts take two steps and then turn around all stupid and shit and they’re like “Where’d it go?” WHY DON’T YOU GO LOOK, COCKFACE?! And stop shitting in my water bowl. It’s bad enough I have to taste my own ass every day.
But yeah, I won, so get fucked. Look for my new rap album in the fall. I don’t have a title yet, but it’ll have something to do with fucking bitches and getting paid. And in the video I’ll be in a car that bounces up and down. That’s all I got so far. We’re working on the rest. Oh hey…
[looks around]
I pissed on this one girl the other night and SHE DIDN’T SAY SHIT. I think she wanted it. Goddamn, I can’t wait until I win next year. Dog shows are the greatest thing ever.
Shortly after our conversation with Stump, the Sussex spaniel was stripped of his Best In Show award after his urine allegedly tested positive for Kibberal, a dietary supplement that has been on the Westminster Kennel Club’s banned substances list since 2004. A phone call to Stump’s representation requesting comment was not immediately returned.
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@repee:
Your name isn’t Phil, is it?
ooooh “sexy dating”….that’s even better than my normal “slightly awkward” dating
Fuck westminster and fuck their “the fix is in” dogshow! Damn snoots.
I think robert plant is holding up the large purple and yellow bow.
Does the dog get to drink champagne out of that trophy?
It’s called a chalice and Stump’s got his name engraved on the chalice in Rubies and Diamonds. He’s not feeling this whole economic crisis bullshit.
/Lil’ Jon approves
@rae: wait…mike vick dog killing jokes are insensitive…but rae carruth jokes are kosher?
Is it because she was asking for it?
I just want to drop a couple hundred of those things you fill with peanut butter that make dogs go crazy right in the middle of that shit just to see what the fuck happens.
-1 for not photoshopping Hines Ward’s face on a chow
@SSB: Tha hole contest is a fackin’ joke! That mutt was half-dahkie anyways.
/gives dog half a can of Sam Adams
And you know you’re morally reprehensible when Rae Carruth resists an urge to make fun of you.
My boss was watching this and has now hired Stump as Vice President.
/sorry Grimey.
(resists urge to make raciallly and morally insensitive joke about mike vick)
I’m confused… that dog looks like it has all its legs
@Italian Spiderman: That mutt is a fackin joke. THE BAHHHHHSTON TERRIE-AH WAS CLEARLY THE SUPERI-AH BREED! AND WHO’S LETTING IN THE FACKIN CHOCOLATE LABS IN THIS CAWMPETITION!
Newsflash – the dog retired…then unretired…then demanded a trade…then retired again…then was featured on his own ESPN channel 24/7.
Everyone knows that Westminster is biased. They won’t blatantly favor my preferred breed; therefore, they obviously have it in for me and all my fellow fans, plus everyone else is jealous of us. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I celebrated the Sussex’s win by Iighting some candles, playing some music and getting myself into a position that wasn’t very easy for me emotionally.
Will Ape be doing one of these for the cat show?
Was there one of these for Uno last year? Because this is awesome.
Now where’s my fucking Buzzy Bee???
Stump the Insult Comic Dog? And, what UM said. DogRaFlaWar?
““I wanna eat this, I wanna piss here, Why aren’t you rubbing my tummy?””
yeah, pretty much how i feel every day too, Stump
/obnoxious spaniel, retriever and sporting group fan
// once again, golden and flatcoat retrievers tragically overlooked. fuck westminister raw.
@WhatWouldPurpleJesusDo
This is why I need to stop reading KSK during class.
This is why I need to stop reading KSK while TEACHING class. Yesterday the class was taking a quiz, I was reading about HEAD Coach Haley and I damn near gave myself a hernia while not trying to LOL.
At the after show party, Stumpy was heard to say, ” Hey shepard, tell me how my ass tastes”.
@RBP: No, but he’ll leave his owners twisting in the wind while he makes a decision, only to turn in substandard dog show performances for the next few years while receiving fawning reviews.
So is he going to retire anytime soon?
He went after her like she was made out of ham.
DogFlaWa?
2Port, you obviously have no idea what you’re talking about – the Boston Terrier is clearly the best breed, and they got twice as screwed as the toy group! If I want a toy, I’ll beat up a kid. Spaniel fans may be obnoxious, but they’re not as bad as the Terrier Group fans – what, you won’t let the BT in, even though it has “terrier” in the name? Non-sporting group my ass.
FIX YO BITCHES, BITCHES!
Does the dog get to drink champagne out of that trophy?
I say put the dog on a panel with Nazi Shark
Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor?
O HE GON DRANK
Now that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a greyhound?
this entire contest would have been different if that damn Akita could just stay out of the strip clubs. I can not believe he got suspended for pissing on a stripper.
Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?
The refs obviously wanted the Spaniel to win, they ignored his slight discoloring and totally fucked over the toy group the entire night. Spaniel fans are obnoxious asses and I hate having the watch dog shows with them in the bar.
Stumpy want to humpy rumpy now.
This is why I need to stop reading KSK during class.
Dog Festivar give Hines Wald biiiig smirrre. So much to eat, so rittre time. Mommy, how you cook chow chow?
Jeez gay mafia, this would have beena perfect Hines Wald Supel Bowrr after party post!
He has old neuticals.
From the Raiders front office:
Raiders executive: ..But Mr. Davis, we just hired a head coach.
Al Davis: Mmm, put him somewhere out of the way, and find that dog!
He only took the Kibberal because he was injured and under intense pressure. He’s very sorry.
Glad Tony Dungy has time to train and groom dogs now that he’s not coaching anymore
And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.
Maj sometimes wishes he was a black lab. In a hoodie.
Why’s it gotta be chocolate labs?
Shortly after our conversation with Stump, the Sussex spaniel was stripped of his Best In Show award after his urine allegedly tested positive for Kibberal, a dietary supplement that has been on the Westminster Kennel Club’s banned substances list since 2004.
It makes his coat unfairly lustrous!