KSK Off-Topic: Board Games for Rapists
To stave off the specter of boredom or maybe just to sublimate our own latent rapey urges, the Gay Mafia occasionally engages in hour-long sessions of e-mail-based rape joke bandying. Really works out the dark urges. Yesterday, in what began innocently enough as a discussion of which reader has creeped us out the most at various blogger meet-ups then quickly morphed into a whirlwind brainstorm of how rapists would alter popular board games. Because we’re sick deviants like that. And, being so, we enjoy passing our pathology onto you, the reader. Preferably against your will.
**No rapist’s game shelf would be complete without handcuffs, And, of course, the game of Battlerape!
“You sunk my Rapesub!”
And now there’s Electronic Battlerape! With sound effects!
“D-Rectum? It’s a hit!”
“Beware the submarine — long, hard, etc.”
**A rapist sets up a spy cam in the dressing rooms in Mall Madness.
**They always like a good game of Connect Four Toddlers.
**Rapists naturally love Rape-opoly. Sample Chance card:
“You win first prize in a beauty contest. And then are raped.”
**Every time he captures a country in Risk, he rapes you using methods specific to that nation.
**Rapists love Twister. RIGHT FOOT LEFT LABIA
**Rapists claim Parcheesi is Hindi for “forced entry.”
**When playing Trivial Pursuit, a rapist goes right for the pink triangle.
**Only a rapist will call his scrotum the “Popomatic bubble”
**I’ve found that many rapists love a good game of Chutes and More Chutes.
**Candyland is the #1 game played in their windowless vans.
**Rapists are hard at work developing a new version of Mouse Trap, complete with a cage capable of subduing even the lithest tween.
**rapists adore a good game of TABOO. Guess the word without saying these five clue words!
crime
penetration
violation
bruising
rope
**A rapist will always choose rapist as their profession when playing The Game of Life. Then they rape all the pink and blue stick figures. Then the spin wheel.
**A rapist was the first and last champion of “Win Ben Stein’s Skin and Internal Organs.”
**A classic among rapists: Guess Who…Is Sneaking In Your Bedroom At Night
**Kerplunk is the noise it makes when he takes his dick out of your ass.
**They play Sorry! with kids only AFTER raping them
**Yahtzee is what a rapist screams when he rapes an ESPN anchor
**Rapists win every game of Scene It?: Rape Edition
**Rapists write letters to the makers of Operation demanding they supply them with the missing Penis Bone.
**The rapist version of Jeopardy! The Home Game! has nothing to do with the TV show.
**A rapist loves playing Clue, but it’s the same result every time. Col. Mustard, in the ass, with the candlestick.
**The rapist version of Chinese Checkers involves a confused 12-year-old and some anal beads
**Don’t challenge a rapist in Horny Horny Rapists. He always get more balls.
Tags: awful rapey, going to hell, ksk group posts, off-topic
February 17th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Horny Horny Rapists was always my favorite game as a child
February 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Tag! You’re raped!
February 17th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
it seems to me that there would be less of a quarterback controversy if the Dylan Panthers played a little defense
February 17th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
There is bad taste, there is poor taste. This post cannot even be described…………
/nice tasteless work
February 17th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
The rapist version of Operation comes with a latex glove. And the body is lying on its stomach.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
What? No mention of…Hi, Ho Pop the Cherrio! (For ages 9 and under)
February 17th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Oh and for the record, the reader is obviously Otto.
/not really
February 17th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Stratego: “The first to rape an enemy flag is the winner!”
February 17th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
group posts are the best
February 17th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I am Super Mario. This mushroom makes me enormous.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Do we even have to change the name of “Smear the queer?” The rape part is sort of implied, right?
February 17th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Charapes. One word. First word sounds like “rape.”
“Rape?”
“Don’t mind if I do!”
// I should write a screen play.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Really? Alright then.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
No card games eh?
Hey there, you want to play some POKER?
February 17th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
dAndy- Go Fish…In My Pants
February 17th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Nice
February 17th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Neil Hamburger. Great Job!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
What’s the difference between rape and Scrabble?
Stefan Fatsis asks you if you want to play Scrabble.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
How about the Wheel of Fortune at home version?
Vanna, can we see the bowels please…..
February 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
yes, nice work posting the Neil Hamburger clip.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Party!
Pizza Party!
With.. uhh… Raperonis!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
In Rapist Chess, you win when you rape the queen.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
When having friends over to play party games , it’s best to serve Ruffies.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
For rapists, every day is a Mystery Date
February 17th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
when playing rapeopoly the money you earn is for bail and a plane ticket
February 17th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
If you have already lost in battlerape and Chutes and more Chutes, your next challenge well be to win in the game of Cooties. You will not win, however, because you will have contracted Cooties. Because you were raped. Rape.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
There’s also the illegal immigrant game for rapists. Uno. Pick the green card, get raped, enter the country. Game, set, match.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
(facebooks female employees about going out for drinks)
February 17th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Also, “Don’t Break the Ice” for rapists is called “Seriously, it is in Your Best Interest Not to Tell the Authorities You Were Just Raped.” Actually, the wet kleenex can be used in either game.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Rapists love Old Maid.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
No game of Rape-opoly has ever lasted more than five minutes
February 17th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Nobody else ever played Hide and Go Take It? Or Simon Says Grab Your Ankles?
February 17th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
group posts are the best…for gang rape.
rapist madlibs suck. the nouns always end up ‘little boy.’
rapist cranium: dedicated entirely to skull rape.
and, possibly the most sinister, don’t wake daddy (while i’m raping you or i’ll fucking kill you, you little bitch).
February 17th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Japan, once again, is miles ahead
That being said, who doesn’t enjoy a good game of Doctor (In A Back Alley)? Two hands on the shoulder during the prostate exam.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Don’t forget Duck, Duck, Rape
February 17th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Enough of the rape bullshit, I wanna know which reader creeps out the Gay Mafia. That is a pretty high (low?) goddam standard.
And you need to do a “Rapists’ Favorite Drinks” list. Obvious: Rape on the Beach.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Would the home game be ‘the Price is Rape’ or ‘the Rape is Right’?
February 17th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
A rapist answers the question “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” with “No, but I can rape the little shits!”
February 17th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Another favorite ”guess whose in ur ass”
February 17th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
When a rapist plays Spoons, everyone gets a spoon, but no one’s happy about it (except the rapist).
February 17th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Don’t forget about a double tall Schlong Collins.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_board_games
2 that stick out ”blood bowl” and ”obsession”
February 17th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
In Risk the Rape Edition every country name is an oraphus of the body
February 17th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
actually, i think that may be orafice
February 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I like to get in the mood for a little rape with a rape cocktail and rape music. My favorite song is “Rape in an Elevator”.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Red Rover, Red Rover, send…. meh, anybody over. Doesn’t matter… they’re about to get raped.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
When I was a kid, my family had a board game called “Probe”. I guess there’s nothing to add to that.
When rapists play “Dungeons and Dragons”, there are very few Dragons.
“You meet a Conjurer on the path…roll your 20-sided die.”
“Ok…I got 15.”
“The conjurer casts his spell of rape; your chain-mail does nothing.”
“Fuck. Every turn’s the same.”
February 17th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Rapists love Oscars, too. http://brownspotonline.com/community/rapist_hiding_your_armoire_has_seen_all_best_picture_nominations
February 17th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
The goal of Jeng-rape is to stick your dick into a tower of wooden blocks without knocking them over.
If you knock over the blocks, then you are raped.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
But seriously, who’s the creepiest reader you’ve met?
It’s fmra, isn’t it? I suspected her all along….
February 17th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Don’t forget Rapey Rapey Hippos, Texas Hold Em’ Down, and of course, Mr. Mouth.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
• You guys have a rapist wit.
• Tony Zendejas approved!
• On game’s box: “Game For Ages…aw, fuck it.”
• It’s Pederasto!
• “I am THIS close to raping you!”
• They played a lot of R-A-P-E at the NBA All-Star Game.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Oh and for the record, the reader is obviously Otto.
See, this is why I never showed up to the invites. There was clearly some Carrie-esque gang rape thing being planned.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Rapeopoly only has three spaces; Jail, Free Parking and Under the Boardwalk.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
“But seriously, who’s the creepiest reader you’ve met? ”
I think this calls for a KSK Commenter Draft in which the gay mafia actually drafts commenters.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
@Brian…
Considering the shit we put up here on a weekly basis (particularly the Sex/Fantasy FB mailbags) I don’t think the Gayfia quite go out of their way to personally meet us.
/just sour graping because I’d be Mr. Irrelevant
February 17th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
My fave so far is Rapey Rapey Hippos. The visual in your head when you imagine it is pretty funny.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Marco!
Poloooohhhh!!!!!!! OHHH!!!!!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMPPPHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
/mouth stuffed with ether soaked rag.
//can’t substitute teach anymore.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
@JL, in my version of rape-jenga, you can only push out the middle blocks. and they somehow bleed.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Mike Tyson’s Punch-Rape!!
If you dodge all of his punches in the first round, you can avoid his instant rape punch.
Keeping with the theme:
Rockem’ Sockem’ Rapists
Players: 2
Age Range: toddlers and up
Player’s each control one opposing Rape-bots: each of which is positioned directly behind the opposing player’s asshole.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
dodgeballs
February 18th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Tag! You’re raped!
A little late, but I have to +1 that.
And Maj, I know it’s me. Drew’s got a short
February 18th, 2009 at 12:26 am
dick. Drew’s got a short dick.
Thanks, Microsoft Internet Explorer, for forcing me to post that before I had finished figuring out what I was going to write.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Scrapel:
http://www.konformist.com/1998/rapead.htm
February 18th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Don’t wake daddy…while raping him in the ass
Clit Trap
CandyAss land
BattleDick
Chutes and Rape
Cranium rape
Battle of the Sexes – rape edition
menRAPEya
Chinese Rapers
Riskjailtime
Rapist Pursuit
Sorry! You’ve been raped
Backcumon
Go rape
Operrapetion
February 18th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Next Week: BOARD GAMES FOR RACISTS
February 18th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Rapegammon, you roll the dice, all the pieces are shoved up your ass with penis.
Family Rape Feud: The Home edition, Richard Dawson won’t be groping you, but the number one reason you cry yourself to sleep at night, daddy rape.
Mancala(Count and Rape)
February 18th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Barrel O’Monkeys:Travis version, where your pet monkey rapes your friend
February 18th, 2009 at 5:44 am
“dodgeballs”
No more calls, please; we have a winner.
February 18th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Hide and Get Raped
ATM the queer (as opposed to smear the queer)
…….something to do with Leap Frog………
February 18th, 2009 at 9:22 am
The new updated game of TheRAPEY.
You lay on a couch to discuss your problems and cry…and get raped..and I charge you $100 for it.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Eeney, meeney, miney, moe, catch a rapist by its toe. If he hollers don’t let him go, eeney, meeney, miney moe.
February 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I’ll take “The Rapist” for $1000 Trebek.
February 18th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Geez, we almost forgot Rape Baron.
/or was it Rail Barin’
February 18th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Cornhole people, CORN. HOLE.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:49 am
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