One of the secret benefits of the current economic death spiral is that, with cable ad rates plummeting, a sudden wellspring of retarded novelty product ads has sprung up virtually overnight. You, of course, know now about the ShamWow and the Snuggie. I’m not a big believer in the Snuggie. After all, the whole point of a blanket is for your girlfriend to give you a handjob underneath it without anyone noticing. But the Snuggie destroys that opportunity. If you don’t have your hands through the sleeves of your Snuggie, everyone is going to exactly where they are: on a cock somewhere.
Furthermore, the Snuggie seems awfully practical as far as novelty products go. It’s missing that one-of-a-kind uselessness inherent in products like the Showtime Rotisserie Grill (you can get a roto chicken for $5 at the store, with no risk of MASSIVE GREASE CONFLAGRATIONS), or that one asshole who sells DVDs about how to surf the internet, or Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers. Those are products worthy of a $7 production budget.
And now, I have found another. Good Christians, I give you THE PRAYER CROSS.
Finally, the classy type of accessory you need to wear to your Michael W. Smith concert. Best of all, hidden inside the Prayer Cross’ fabulous pseudo-crystalish center is THE FUCKING LORD’S PRAYER. The whole thing. Unexpurgated. No bullshit.
Now that’s one bitchin’ piece of jewelry. Think Jane Seymour’s double scrotum Zales design has the Lord’s Prayer hidden inside it? FUCK AND NO. The only thing you’ll see if you stare up close at a DeBeers diamond is the blood of a Sierra Leone refugee. And Jared the Galleria of Jewelry is run by filthy Jews with back hair. This is like a DVD Easter Egg, sent from resurrected Jesus himself.
Now, if you need the Lord’s Prayer in an emergency, all you have to do is press a cheap light prism against YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL. Did you just get t-boned by a tractor trailer and are pinned to the road by the flipped chassis of your vehicle? Well, shit on a shingle, you got salvation hanging right around your neck. No need to wait for your preacher to show up and pray for you. Fucking preachers, always with the slow response time.
Why crack open a bible to see the Lord’s Prayer? That’s boring. Look how much fun kids have with this shit.
My hope is that this is only the beginning of novelty jewelry products that contain hidden biblical messages. Who wouldn’t like to own a cock ring that WAS SECRETLY TRYING TO UNGAY YOU? I know that would help me personally. What about earrings that tell the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? Or a chastity belt that features the entire section of Leviticus? A jeweled wonderbra that contains the entire Left Behind series? The possibilities are endless… FOR WORSHIP!
With the Prayer Cross, you can get more praying done on the go. Need Ruth Ginsburg’s cancer to metastasize? BOOM! The Lord hears you. Hoping to God that the Golden Corral is still open? Oh, you know it will be now, my friend.
So ditch that Snuggie, you heathen fuckfaces. The Prayer Cross is all you need to keep you warm at night.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.