KSK Off Topic: Behold The Power Of The Prayer Cross
One of the secret benefits of the current economic death spiral is that, with cable ad rates plummeting, a sudden wellspring of retarded novelty product ads has sprung up virtually overnight. You, of course, know now about the ShamWow and the Snuggie. I’m not a big believer in the Snuggie. After all, the whole point of a blanket is for your girlfriend to give you a handjob underneath it without anyone noticing. But the Snuggie destroys that opportunity. If you don’t have your hands through the sleeves of your Snuggie, everyone is going to exactly where they are: on a cock somewhere.
Furthermore, the Snuggie seems awfully practical as far as novelty products go. It’s missing that one-of-a-kind uselessness inherent in products like the Showtime Rotisserie Grill (you can get a roto chicken for $5 at the store, with no risk of MASSIVE GREASE CONFLAGRATIONS), or that one asshole who sells DVDs about how to surf the internet, or Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers. Those are products worthy of a $7 production budget.
And now, I have found another. Good Christians, I give you THE PRAYER CROSS.
Finally, the classy type of accessory you need to wear to your Michael W. Smith concert. Best of all, hidden inside the Prayer Cross’ fabulous pseudo-crystalish center is THE FUCKING LORD’S PRAYER. The whole thing. Unexpurgated. No bullshit.
Now that’s one bitchin’ piece of jewelry. Think Jane Seymour’s double scrotum Zales design has the Lord’s Prayer hidden inside it? FUCK AND NO. The only thing you’ll see if you stare up close at a DeBeers diamond is the blood of a Sierra Leone refugee. And Jared the Galleria of Jewelry is run by filthy Jews with back hair. This is like a DVD Easter Egg, sent from resurrected Jesus himself.
Now, if you need the Lord’s Prayer in an emergency, all you have to do is press a cheap light prism against YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL. Did you just get t-boned by a tractor trailer and are pinned to the road by the flipped chassis of your vehicle? Well, shit on a shingle, you got salvation hanging right around your neck. No need to wait for your preacher to show up and pray for you. Fucking preachers, always with the slow response time.
Why crack open a bible to see the Lord’s Prayer? That’s boring. Look how much fun kids have with this shit.
Awesome.
My hope is that this is only the beginning of novelty jewelry products that contain hidden biblical messages. Who wouldn’t like to own a cock ring that WAS SECRETLY TRYING TO UNGAY YOU? I know that would help me personally. What about earrings that tell the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? Or a chastity belt that features the entire section of Leviticus? A jeweled wonderbra that contains the entire Left Behind series? The possibilities are endless… FOR WORSHIP!
With the Prayer Cross, you can get more praying done on the go. Need Ruth Ginsburg’s cancer to metastasize? BOOM! The Lord hears you. Hoping to God that the Golden Corral is still open? Oh, you know it will be now, my friend.
So ditch that Snuggie, you heathen fuckfaces. The Prayer Cross is all you need to keep you warm at night.
Tags: bet that kid ends up selling meth at truck stops, Big Daddy Drew, if you buy this you have acrylic nails, jesus loved material goods, KSK off topic
February 26th, 2009 at 10:03 am
[irritatedly clicks acrylic nails on desk]
February 26th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Oooh look, a mezuzah for retarded gentiles!
February 26th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Good thing I was wearing an extra thick piece of the True Cross today! … I think I’ll go inside.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I like that their web site is done by GoDaddy.com.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Can I still keep my Slap Chop? LOOK AT MY NUTS!
February 26th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I still perfer to pray to Joe Pesci.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I had no idea that saying the Lord’s Prayer meant waiting for Jesus to blow his load in your face.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Unless you can hide an eight-ball in it, not interested.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Blasphemy, check. Aids, check. Rape, check. Hookers, check. Wow, what a week. I love this blog.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:28 am
When will the God explains this week of the NFL viewfinder edition be out?
February 26th, 2009 at 10:40 am
As Bill Hicks said, if Jesus comes back, do you think he’s going to want to see a fucking cross? It’s like wearing a rifle pendant and going up to Jackie Onassis: “Just thinking of John, Jackie. Just thinking of John.”
February 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Do not taunt the Snuggie. The Snuggie contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture
should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Seems like Sky Mall Magazine is now relegated to television vpmmercials
February 26th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Personally I think a Desert Eagle with an Ezekiel 25:17 inscription would be a much better seller
February 26th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I think I’ll quietly step to the side….you know, so not to get hit by the bolt of lightening that will come screaming out of the sky……
February 26th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I’m gonna get down on my knees and start pleasin’ Jesus
February 26th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thanks but I’ll just order The Cornballer, I hear they’re hot.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:01 am
“Prayer Cross” seems vaguely redundant, like saying “Sex Penis” or something similar. Also, any cross pendant that can’t also be used as a gun or a dagger is fucking worthless. That’s the only reason to carry one as far as I’m concerned, as camouflage for some kind of weapon.
I haven’t been seeing this ad, had no idea what I was missing. Would like to continue missing it.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Drew saw this ad on Bravo last night.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Nothing like getting a handjob in Church.
That’s all I got to contribute to this.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:25 am
This isn’t anything new, Hippies have been embracing the uber hetty power of crystals for years now. Christians are just jumpin on the bandwagon
February 26th, 2009 at 11:27 am
if you want the lord’s prayer close to your heart, we’re doing this the old-fashioned way, with a staple-gun.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I’m not sure how I made it to your award-winning patch of puerile nonsense but I hope the award was for the blogger who can use the most bad words in a sentence and not for anything remotely redeeming. Heaven help us if people keep encouraging you.
X
February 26th, 2009 at 11:33 am
This is so tacky. What ever happened to a good ol’ fashioned- and tasteful- Virgin Mary tattoo?
February 26th, 2009 at 11:36 am
The Prayer Cross is bad, but not as bad as the Official 9/11 Twin Towers Commemorative $20 coin. Way to profit off the death of a few thousand people fuckos.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I saw this commercial over the weekend for the first time — and correctly predicted there would be an awesome BDD-style reaction to it.
Damn, I’m smart.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:43 am
XANTHORPE HAS SPOKEN!
February 26th, 2009 at 11:46 am
This is just the launching point for the Jesus Kaleidoscope
February 26th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Sorry Drew; I was born a snake-handler, and I’ll die a snake-handler.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Personally I think a Desert Eagle with an Ezekiel 25:17 inscription would be a much better seller
I’m developing a set of neuticles with Deuteronomy 23:1-2 embossed in real gold.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Why would Jesus come back, after what we did? “Thanks a lot, you fucks! Now I’m the only savior who can use his hand as a whistle!!!”
/Kinison’d
February 26th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I’ll buy one if Billy Mays sells it.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Thanks, but I’ll stick with plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of my car.
/Don’t care if it rains or freezes.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
i’m having a custom snuggie made with oversized prayer cross bling on the “front” because that is precisely what jesus would do
/fingers crossed that it’s ready in time for the Larry the Cable Guy roast!
February 26th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Man, I wish I had enough free time to visit websites that are diametrically opposed to all I hold dear and criticize them for having their own opinions. I’ll give him/her points for using the word “puerile” correctly, and for spelling it correctly as well. Much better than the average Patriots fan can manage.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
But is it made by Germans?
February 26th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Personally I think a Desert Eagle with an Ezekiel 25:17 inscription would be a much better seller
You sir are one mushroom-cloud-layin’ motherfucka, muthafucka!
February 26th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
No thanks. I figure I’ll go for the life of sin and then death bed repentence. Presto Change-o Salvation.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@Foxxy: Myself, I am getting a shamWOW with an embroidered image of Jesus pissing on a crescent moon.
That right there will guarantee me a spot in heaven, even if I murder a nun and rape her corpse.
/speaking of which……
February 26th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Speaking of the Snuggie, I found this to be pretty entertaining…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y
February 26th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
now if only bill maher could channel bdd, the former might actually approach amusing for the first time since the initial reagan administration.
given what we’ve seen ksk decry and discard over the years, one of these days, the ksk off-topic needs to feature the editors’ considered articles of faith, something on the order of crash davis’s rant describing his belief in soft core porn and lee harvey oswald acting alone (which is utter bullshit).
February 27th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@ J.L. White/Foxy
I’m going with the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine, cause “Meat is the new bread!”