KSK Off-Topic: 50 Film Noir Detective Names
Maxwell Bump
Shepard “Shep” Houndclaw
Eddie Sidearm
Dash Worley, “Privatest Eye”
Smoke McCloud
Johnny C. Lately
Crescenzo “Cup” Pucino
Morris Longfellow
Vaughn von Renssalaer
Rex Abernathy
Rip Turlington IV (NOTE: wears eye patch)
Barnaby Frisco
Roscoe Tenpin
Hector O’Bannon
Chet Studebaker
Oscar Sweetwater
JJ McDuff (NOTE: Is currently parked in the inconspicuous Ford right down the street)
Ephraim Flintlock
Freddie Fong, The Fortune Teller
Elvin Armstrong
Stanley Brubeck (NOTE: Sleeps with and physically abuses all female clientele)
Harold Getz
Eddie Gumm
Arnold “Switchblade” Sanders
Tefilio “Tug” Toronado
Riff Hoback
Salvatore “Flatiron” Venuti (NOTE: Knows you’re queerin’ the details, Mister)
Fenster McCubbin
Moe Byrd (“Sorry, honey. This Byrd don’t sing.”)
Bruno “Deep Sleep” Kowolski
Walter “The Walnut” Baines (NOTE: He’ll never crack)
Frank “20/20” Salvatoriello
Jack Dobbins (NOTE: This whole thing’s gettin’ too big for him. He’s just tryin’ to make a living here.)
Puck Darlington
“Pop” Morgan, Sr.
The Hutch Brothers
Cliff Kastle (NOTE: He’ll never let you in)
Thurgood Badd
Mance L. Dinwiddie (NOTE: Plays all the angles)
Bones Goodwin
Sal Mandrake
Butch Longacre
Elroy Hirsch (NOTE: May be actual NFL Hall of Famer)
Harvey Lee Robinson
Nick Barque
Hubbs Lanscott (NOTE: Has midget assistant named Mancha)
Horace Traffort
Grayson “The Shadow” Lawson
Bix Weedmann (”I swear to Christ, Vern. One more reefer crack and I slug him. I don’t give a tinker’s damn how many stripes he’s got on his sleeve.”)
Clarence “Roughhouse” Hopper
Tags: all respect to John Hodgman, also work as porn star names, ksk group posts
February 19th, 2009 at 9:59 am
For exotic villains, take an ethnic sounding first name and a world capital. Giovanni Prague agrees.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:04 am
And now back to 1943’s Fast Talking High Trousers…
February 19th, 2009 at 10:07 am
i always liked Rex Mantlepiece
February 19th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Johnny Saltcheeks got his handle because of the hooker who tried to kill him after doing a line of coke off his bum.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:20 am
My detective name is Peter Gazyndia.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Forrest L’Arbe IV is the king of French dicks.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Whoa. I must of accidently typed in http://www.thebiglead.com. Although, this seems a bit highbrow for that site.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Lance Bollicker – The world’s first interior designer turned PI.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Whatever Harold wants, Harold Getz
February 19th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Well then bob, you’re a fucking idiot.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Hey, you spelled my alma mater wrong.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Paul Blart?
Big Jim Slade?
/got nuthin
February 19th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski
February 19th, 2009 at 10:46 am
someones been reading a little too much pulp lately, Marlowe, Hammer and the Op approve.
February 19th, 2009 at 10:52 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYVN1Y-SzYs
February 19th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Sammy “Sugarcock” Robinson
February 19th, 2009 at 10:59 am
No room for Rip Steakface, Slap Beefchest or Slab Squatthrust?
February 19th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Dixon Hill
/I am not a trekkie, why do you ask?
February 19th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Rex Chapman
He’ll also drain buzzer-beaters while solving the case of Whitey and the missing hops.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Tracer Bullet.
Wait…
February 19th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Hayes Longtree
Rock Dirge
Quim Liddle
February 19th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Don K. Ponches (”They never know I’m a factor until it’s too late”)
February 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Needs a “yeah, we didn’t have anything ready this morning” tag added.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Billy Cole and Jimmy Dix want in on this party…and a cigarette.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I meant Joe Hallenbeck
I fail. I lose. Turn out the lights.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Rape Fisticuffs, Private Dick
February 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am
‘Mighty’ Joe Rapier, Personal Investigations.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:43 am
That should be ‘Deeply Presonal Investigations’.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:44 am
failfailfailfailfailfailfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
February 19th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Harmony Chinstrap (learned everything he knows from the glee club and the gridiron)
Finger Knuckle-Elbow (pitcher turned private eye)
Stone Gossard (rhythm guitar)
February 19th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Edsel Nash
Del Cannon
Waylon “Knuckle” Samson
February 19th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I once interviewed a guy named Bobby Shady for an internship. It was all I could do not to end every sentence with “…see?”
February 19th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Riggins Feltersmith
February 19th, 2009 at 11:56 am
aka Rig
February 19th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Vance DeGeneres
Yes, this is actually Ellen DeGeneres’ brother. It was a great name for an investigative reporter on the Daily Show, even better for a gumshoe.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:58 am
“What is this, the high hat?”
February 19th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Now you listen here and you listen good, sweetheart. These guys are bad news, you don’t want no business with ‘em. Pretty girl like yourself oughta be in the kitchen, not makin’ trouble with the riff-raff. Now I’ll get to the bottom of this, you can count on that, but stay outta Kowalski’s way, you hear? Now go on, get outta here.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
It was Tommy Bluehands who gave Donnie Toledo and his dame Mary SoftStalkings the dirt nap, copper. So you and your bull friends tap on out of here and agitate some other fella.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Gareth Keenan Ivetigates
February 19th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 AM?
February 19th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
The littlest pet shop.
/sorry, when you’ve got 2 young daughters it’s the 1st thing to come to mind
February 19th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Everyone knows the coolest name ever is…Rhett Titus.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
If you gunsels really want to know how to name a film-noir character, just use a street name from the Hollywood district of Los Angeles: Fernwood, Mansfield, McCadden, Wilcox, Cole, Willoughby, etc . . .
That’s how the pros do it, tough guy.
February 19th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Clement Landbaron (NOTE: Only investigates crimes against agriculture)
February 19th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
1) dean rockledge
2) rick o’shea
February 19th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
ROWSDOWER!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4L2lwQiAkA
February 19th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Peter King.
He’ll suck the information right out of you.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Al ‘Shoehorn’ Bundy??
February 19th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@ Left of Center
Big Jim Slade, former TE for the Kansas City Chiefs…
/laughs quietly at himself
//Kentucky Fried Movie ref.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
@ futuremrsankiel
The best damn petshop in town!
February 19th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
+1 Oops Pow Surprise
Now see if you can work in a scram, beat it or look here see and you’ve got yourself a greenlit screenplay.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
@ Mo Charlo
Was that a Calvin & Hobbes reference? Nice.
How about Jake and the Fat Man? They gets no play?
February 19th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
@j4b…
Don’t forget to toss in “amscray,” “mugs,” and “gams.”
February 19th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@ dAndy
At least I’m not the only one that had the littlest petshop jump to mind.
And yes, I have a daughter. Bastards.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
We spent an entire WEEk at my job talking in 20’s gangster style. One guy even got fired for it.
Yeah, see? We’re gonna put the screws to you coppers, see? Tommy squealed like a songbird. Him and that dame are gonna sleep with the fishes. I’m tellin you Dollface, Bugsy aint gonna like this one bit.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Oh, he always has pork chooops and applesaaaause for dinner.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Fareed “The Monotheist” Sankrityayan
They have film noir in Bollywood now, right?
February 19th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
The Hodgman shoutout is disappointing. What a pretentious, spectacularly unfunny dickbag.
February 19th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
wtf is film noir?
February 19th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Punch Rockgroin
February 19th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Here: Punch Rockgroin
February 19th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Dick Tercilli
February 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Why didn’t you guys save this and use it as a draft topic?
February 19th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
“You’re cute.”
/wishing she could have been as slutty in the film as she was in the novel
February 19th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
M. Emmet Walsh: You’re going to have to sign for this.
February 19th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Clementine “Boobie” Zippertrout
February 19th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Ford Fairlain. Hands down.
February 19th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I actually have a disturbingly true story about a man named Charles Bump. I have a friend who is a judge in Pennsylvania. When asked what the weirdest case he ever tried was, he told the twisted tale of Mr. Bump. He was 70 (ish) and living in a retirement home. The same retirement home where his 90-something year old mother (afflicted with Alzheimer’s) lived. One day he was caught having sexual intercourse with mother. That’s right: A 70 year old man was fucking his 90 year old mother. I actually can’t recall what the outcome of the case was, but let me just repeat that Nightmare Fuel: 70 YEAR OLD MAN FUCKING HIS MOTHER.
February 19th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Rock Scotch – the pickled dick
February 19th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Chase Utley in “Who Stole Second?”
February 19th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
J. J. “Dip” de Dog
February 19th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Dr. Moshe Nathan Abraham, DDS aka “The Heeb” (”Let me get a crack at his yapper” and “I’m the real gum-shoe”)
/ no, that’s just racist
// wait judaism is a religion
// anti-dentitie
February 19th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Dick Bonesteele. Private dick
February 20th, 2009 at 12:23 am
The night was hotter than a strippers G-string. The bulls were out in force looking for the tabloid-named “Erection Killer”. I opened my creaky office door looking only for some sympathy from my close friend, Jim Beam. The enlightening of the room held a different subject. Her name was Blanche.
Blanche Vulva.
I’ve been around a lot of dames. Seen my share of gazongas. Never did see no queen in her damn undies, though. But this broad, she had it all. Would embarrass an hourglass with that figure. Stems like the Venus Demilo and a pair of tomatoes that could suckle the baby Jesus.
“How you doing, Dick”. Her voice was silken gold as she breathed a plume of Lucky Strike through her nostrils. “Still keeping yourself ‘up’ at night, I see”. She purred. Her motor ran like a 1945 Duesenberg.
It was right about then that I realized I wasn’t going to be knocking back a few belts of the Beam and forgetting the strains of the day. Nope. When Blanche was visiting, rest was the last thing in the world you could look forward to.
Outside the rain had turned in to a biblical downpour.
I unsheathed my Rosco, took off my tie, poured myself a glass and after a long moments hesitation, turned around said, “Hey Doll. How the hell are you?”