Maxwell Bump
Shepard “Shep” Houndclaw
Eddie Sidearm
Dash Worley, “Privatest Eye”
Smoke McCloud
Johnny C. Lately
Crescenzo “Cup” Pucino
Morris Longfellow
Vaughn von Renssalaer
Rex Abernathy
Rip Turlington IV (NOTE: wears eye patch)
Barnaby Frisco
Roscoe Tenpin
Hector O’Bannon
Chet Studebaker
Oscar Sweetwater
JJ McDuff (NOTE: Is currently parked in the inconspicuous Ford right down the street)
Ephraim Flintlock
Freddie Fong, The Fortune Teller
Elvin Armstrong
Stanley Brubeck (NOTE: Sleeps with and physically abuses all female clientele)
Harold Getz
Eddie Gumm
Arnold “Switchblade” Sanders
Tefilio “Tug” Toronado
Riff Hoback
Salvatore “Flatiron” Venuti (NOTE: Knows you’re queerin’ the details, Mister)
Fenster McCubbin
Moe Byrd (“Sorry, honey. This Byrd don’t sing.”)
Bruno “Deep Sleep” Kowolski
Walter “The Walnut” Baines (NOTE: He’ll never crack)
Frank “20/20” Salvatoriello
Jack Dobbins (NOTE: This whole thing’s gettin’ too big for him. He’s just tryin’ to make a living here.)
Puck Darlington
“Pop” Morgan, Sr.
The Hutch Brothers
Cliff Kastle (NOTE: He’ll never let you in)
Thurgood Badd
Mance L. Dinwiddie (NOTE: Plays all the angles)
Bones Goodwin
Sal Mandrake
Butch Longacre
Elroy Hirsch (NOTE: May be actual NFL Hall of Famer)
Harvey Lee Robinson
Nick Barque
Hubbs Lanscott (NOTE: Has midget assistant named Mancha)
Horace Traffort
Grayson “The Shadow” Lawson
Bix Weedmann (“I swear to Christ, Vern. One more reefer crack and I slug him. I don’t give a tinker’s damn how many stripes he’s got on his sleeve.”)
Clarence “Roughhouse” Hopper
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#1 article
The night was hotter than a strippers G-string. The bulls were out in force looking for the tabloid-named “Erection Killer”. I opened my creaky office door looking only for some sympathy from my close friend, Jim Beam. The enlightening of the room held a different subject. Her name was Blanche.
Blanche Vulva.
I’ve been around a lot of dames. Seen my share of gazongas. Never did see no queen in her damn undies, though. But this broad, she had it all. Would embarrass an hourglass with that figure. Stems like the Venus Demilo and a pair of tomatoes that could suckle the baby Jesus.
“How you doing, Dick”. Her voice was silken gold as she breathed a plume of Lucky Strike through her nostrils. “Still keeping yourself ‘up’ at night, I see”. She purred. Her motor ran like a 1945 Duesenberg.
It was right about then that I realized I wasn’t going to be knocking back a few belts of the Beam and forgetting the strains of the day. Nope. When Blanche was visiting, rest was the last thing in the world you could look forward to.
Outside the rain had turned in to a biblical downpour.
I unsheathed my Rosco, took off my tie, poured myself a glass and after a long moments hesitation, turned around said, “Hey Doll. How the hell are you?”
Dick Bonesteele. Private dick
Dr. Moshe Nathan Abraham, DDS aka “The Heeb” (“Let me get a crack at his yapper” and “I’m the real gum-shoe”)
/ no, that’s just racist
// wait judaism is a religion
// anti-dentitie
J. J. “Dip” de Dog
Chase Utley in “Who Stole Second?”
Rock Scotch – the pickled dick
I actually have a disturbingly true story about a man named Charles Bump. I have a friend who is a judge in Pennsylvania. When asked what the weirdest case he ever tried was, he told the twisted tale of Mr. Bump. He was 70 (ish) and living in a retirement home. The same retirement home where his 90-something year old mother (afflicted with Alzheimer’s) lived. One day he was caught having sexual intercourse with mother. That’s right: A 70 year old man was fucking his 90 year old mother. I actually can’t recall what the outcome of the case was, but let me just repeat that Nightmare Fuel: 70 YEAR OLD MAN FUCKING HIS MOTHER.
Ford Fairlain. Hands down.
Clementine “Boobie” Zippertrout
M. Emmet Walsh: You’re going to have to sign for this.
“You’re cute.”
/wishing she could have been as slutty in the film as she was in the novel
Why didn’t you guys save this and use it as a draft topic?
Dick Tercilli
Here: Punch Rockgroin
Punch Rockgroin
wtf is film noir?
The Hodgman shoutout is disappointing. What a pretentious, spectacularly unfunny dickbag.
Fareed “The Monotheist” Sankrityayan
They have film noir in Bollywood now, right?
Oh, he always has pork chooops and applesaaaause for dinner.
We spent an entire WEEk at my job talking in 20′s gangster style. One guy even got fired for it.
Yeah, see? We’re gonna put the screws to you coppers, see? Tommy squealed like a songbird. Him and that dame are gonna sleep with the fishes. I’m tellin you Dollface, Bugsy aint gonna like this one bit.
@ dAndy
At least I’m not the only one that had the littlest petshop jump to mind.
And yes, I have a daughter. Bastards.
@j4b…
Don’t forget to toss in “amscray,” “mugs,” and “gams.”
@ Mo Charlo
Was that a Calvin & Hobbes reference? Nice.
How about Jake and the Fat Man? They gets no play?
+1 Oops Pow Surprise
Now see if you can work in a scram, beat it or look here see and you’ve got yourself a greenlit screenplay.
@ futuremrsankiel
The best damn petshop in town!
@ Left of Center
Big Jim Slade, former TE for the Kansas City Chiefs…
/laughs quietly at himself
//Kentucky Fried Movie ref.
Al ‘Shoehorn’ Bundy??
Peter King.
He’ll suck the information right out of you.
ROWSDOWER!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4L2lwQiAkA
1) dean rockledge
2) rick o’shea
Clement Landbaron (NOTE: Only investigates crimes against agriculture)
If you gunsels really want to know how to name a film-noir character, just use a street name from the Hollywood district of Los Angeles: Fernwood, Mansfield, McCadden, Wilcox, Cole, Willoughby, etc . . .
That’s how the pros do it, tough guy.
Everyone knows the coolest name ever is…Rhett Titus.
The littlest pet shop.
/sorry, when you’ve got 2 young daughters it’s the 1st thing to come to mind
What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 AM?
Gareth Keenan Ivetigates
It was Tommy Bluehands who gave Donnie Toledo and his dame Mary SoftStalkings the dirt nap, copper. So you and your bull friends tap on out of here and agitate some other fella.
Now you listen here and you listen good, sweetheart. These guys are bad news, you don’t want no business with ‘em. Pretty girl like yourself oughta be in the kitchen, not makin’ trouble with the riff-raff. Now I’ll get to the bottom of this, you can count on that, but stay outta Kowalski’s way, you hear? Now go on, get outta here.
“What is this, the high hat?”
Vance DeGeneres
Yes, this is actually Ellen DeGeneres’ brother. It was a great name for an investigative reporter on the Daily Show, even better for a gumshoe.
aka Rig
Riggins Feltersmith
I once interviewed a guy named Bobby Shady for an internship. It was all I could do not to end every sentence with “…see?”
Edsel Nash
Del Cannon
Waylon “Knuckle” Samson
Harmony Chinstrap (learned everything he knows from the glee club and the gridiron)
Finger Knuckle-Elbow (pitcher turned private eye)
Stone Gossard (rhythm guitar)
failfailfailfailfailfailfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
That should be ‘Deeply Presonal Investigations’.
‘Mighty’ Joe Rapier, Personal Investigations.
Rape Fisticuffs, Private Dick
I meant Joe Hallenbeck
I fail. I lose. Turn out the lights.
Billy Cole and Jimmy Dix want in on this party…and a cigarette.
Needs a “yeah, we didn’t have anything ready this morning” tag added.
Don K. Ponches (“They never know I’m a factor until it’s too late”)
Hayes Longtree
Rock Dirge
Quim Liddle
Tracer Bullet.
Wait…
Rex Chapman
He’ll also drain buzzer-beaters while solving the case of Whitey and the missing hops.
Dixon Hill
/I am not a trekkie, why do you ask?
No room for Rip Steakface, Slap Beefchest or Slab Squatthrust?
Sammy “Sugarcock” Robinson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYVN1Y-SzYs
someones been reading a little too much pulp lately, Marlowe, Hammer and the Op approve.
Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski
Paul Blart?
Big Jim Slade?
/got nuthin
Hey, you spelled my alma mater wrong.
Well then bob, you’re a fucking idiot.
Whatever Harold wants, Harold Getz
Lance Bollicker – The world’s first interior designer turned PI.
Whoa. I must of accidently typed in http://www.thebiglead.com. Although, this seems a bit highbrow for that site.
Forrest L’Arbe IV is the king of French dicks.
My detective name is Peter Gazyndia.
Johnny Saltcheeks got his handle because of the hooker who tried to kill him after doing a line of coke off his bum.
i always liked Rex Mantlepiece
And now back to 1943′s Fast Talking High Trousers…
For exotic villains, take an ethnic sounding first name and a world capital. Giovanni Prague agrees.