Welcome to the first mock draft of the 2009 off-season. Once again we’ll be holding a weekly mock draft each Friday between now and the actual NFL draft during April’s final week. Now if you’re new to the site you should probably know that these mock drafts have absofuckinglutely nothing to do with football. You see, actual football mock drafts are fucking worthless, so instead we come up with totally random shit to draft between the six of us. Feeling left out? Worry not, Nancy, because you can play along in the comments. Plus, during the time between the draft and the Hall of Fame Game we’ll be holding similar weekly drafts for the commenters.

Today we kick things off in morbid fashion with a draft compiling our ideal funeral playlist.. We go for three rounds in a snake format, once a artist is selected the rest of their catalog is off limits.

1. Ape
2. Ufford
3. Flubby
4. Drew
5. Maj
6. Punter

And away we go.


Ape: “They Reminisce Over You” Pete Rock & CL Smooth

Drew calls it a solid pick, and I cross one off of my list. Fucker.

Ufford: “Taps

I’m going to forego an explanation.

Flubby: “Here Comes A Regular” by The Replacements

Drew: “Highway to Hell” AC/DC

No fucking regrets. I go down, I go down HARD.

Maj: “Tears in Heaven” Eric Clapton

My goal for this pick is to make people cry right off the bat to remind them how much they miss me already. This one tends to do the trick. Drew calls it hokey and Flubby calls it a hack song. While I don’t necessarily disagree, fuck them in the pants just the same.

Punter: “Amazing Grace

On bagpipes, a la Star Trek II and Tommy Boy.

Punter: “Angel” Sarah McLachlan

Because my vision of heaven is waking up with my head in Sarah McLachlan’s lap and having an exchange similar to this one:

Me: Wh-where am I?
Sarah: You’re in heaven, Josh.
Me: You mean…I’m —
Sarah: I’m sorry, but yes. Your time on earth is over.
Me: Oh…
Sarah: All the pain, all the sadness you had in that world is gone. And you had a lot of sadness, Josh.
Me: I know.
Sarah: In fact, you were kinda fucked up.
Me: Yeah.
Sarah: But that’s all over now.
Me: It is?
Sarah: It is.
Me: Can I lay on your lap for a little longer?
Sarah: Sure.
Me: Thanks.

Indeed.

Maj: “Life’s A Bitch” Nas

Because I want everyone to know that life is in fact, a bitch, so they might as well go get high and think about me while nodding along.

Drew: “Big Poppa” Notorious BIG

Kind of mandatory, given my screen handle.

Dagger. This means “Miss U” and “Ready to Die” are off the board.

Ape: Flubby needs a My Morning Jacket/Grateful Dead swing.

Flubby: Actually, I fail to see the point in picking songs simply because I like them if I’m not going to be there to hear them.

Drew: Even when dead, I’d still like to impose my taste on others.

Ape: Very true. I picked They Reminisce in part because hip-hop would put off some of my relatives

Flubby: “I Saw the Light” Hank Williams

I’m not even a slightly religious, but like I said a minute ago, the music isn’t for me anyways

Such a mensch for a gentile, this one is.

Ufford: “Tom Traubert’s Blues” Tom Waits

Not only is it brutally depressing, but it has the tune and chorus of “Waltzing Matilda,” which is the official song of the 1st Marine Division in which I served.

Ape: “Last Goodbye” Jeff Buckley

Because I’m gay like that. And I’ll probably end up drowning in a river somehow.

Ape: “How to Disappear Completely” Radiohead

Despite being kind of dirge-like, it’s a wholly inappropriate funeral song, which I kind of like. And I get to go out super pretentious.

Drew: “Videotape” is the money Radiohead funeral song. /snob

Ape: Fuck you and your easy tinkly piano bullshit.

Drew: Hey, if I wanted to be doubly gay, I would have said “Fake Plastic Trees.”

Ufford: Pfffft…. “Fake Plastic Trees” was on the Clueless soundtrack and thus isn’t even discussed among REAL Radiohead snobs.
/would have gone with “Lucky” as Radiohead funeral song
//entire draft could have been Radiohead songs to play at your funeral.

The fuck’s a Radiohead?

Ufford: “Party Pit” The Hold Steady

Has absolutely nothing to do with death, but it builds to a climactic singalong of “Gonna walk around drink some more!!!” that makes it impossible to not want to get hammered immediately. And really, if all my friends (and enemies) are going to get together in one place, it makes no sense for them to be sober the whole time.

Flubby: “No Depression” Carter Family or Uncle Tupelo version

Either one works for him, so he gets Uncle Tupelo.

Drew: “Celebrated Summer” Husker Du

Played live by the reunited band on a beach in front of my funeral pyre. Then everyone must scoop up my ashes and toss them in the Atlantic. Then enjoy lobsters and Yuenglings.

Don’t Fear the Reaper” Blue Oyster Cult (with Will Ferrell on the cowbell)

First they cry, then they get high, and finally they laugh. Quality funeral, now let’s go get drunk.

Honorable Mention

Drew: Mad World (Gary Jules), The Rising (Bruce), Reckoner (Radiohead), A Minor Incident (Badly Drawn Boy), Sunspots (Bob Mould), Theme from Glory, Theme from Unforgiven, and Dust In the Wind (Kansas)

Maj: Good Mourning (Talib Kweli), In My Life (Beatles), Ready to Die (Biggie), Another One Bites the Dust (Queen), The End (The Doors), Miss U (Biggie), The Crossroads (Bone Thugs-N-Harmony), All Eyez On Me (2 Pac)

Add your thoughts in the comment section, including your own selections if you’re so inclined.