KSK Mock Draft: Pro Wrestler You Wanna Be, Brother
I tried watching Monday Night RAW this week and I couldn’t get through a half hour of the thing. I stopped watching wrestling after high school and it certainly wasn’t because I did any growing up. Wrasslin’ got shitty in a hurry when Vince McMahon bought everybody out. But we recall the good days fondly, so we did a draft of which wrestler we’d most like to be.
The rules, according to Punte: “You are drafting a professional wrestler to emulate in the ring, as well as in life. Your selection must be involved or have been involved in a relatively prominent nationwide wrestling promotion. No more than one incarnation of the same wrestler may be selected (eg: you can draft Terry Taylor, or the Red Rooster, but not both, and once one is gone, so is the other).”
There goes my Kane/Fake Diesel/Issac Yankem, DDS, sweep!
The line-up, snake-order as always.
1. Maj
2. Ape
3. Flub
4. Drew
5. PUNTE
Ufford abstained, claiming that he’s always hated pro wrestling, so we gave him John Cena because of his tour de force performance in The Marine.
JUST RING THE DAMN BELL ALREADY!
1. Unsilent Majority — Bret Hart
“The Excellence of Execution was always my favorite back in the day, even if he gave his glasses to that shit-eating kid sitting a couple of seats down. He’s the best technical wrestler ever, and he made hating Vince McMahon cool long before Stone Cold’s arrival. Plus I’m a total sucker for a man in pink. RAWR!”
flubby: “Terrible pick. You can’t be the best of all time if you spent most of your career as a tag team wrestler… russian leg sweep, elbow off second rope, sharpshooter zzzzzzzzz”
Maj: “You have no class, go watch the Montreal Screwjob again.”
flubby: “McMahon had to do that because Hart refused to lose a fake fight in his home country… not his hometown mind you, his home country.”
Maj: “McMahon screwed Hart because he was going to leave for WCW. As for spending “most of his career” as a tag team wrestler, he won the heavyweight title five times.”
Maj: “I haven’t felt like this big a nerd in a VERY long time.”
2. Christmas Ape — Mick Foley
“Wanted to take The Rock or Hogan here for the crossover celebrity possibilities, but Mick wins for being a legitimately cool guy with an amazing legacy and backstory. Plus, Hogan is a boring-as-fuck wrestler, whereas Foley will give you a couple amazing falls in any given match. And the Hell in the Cell at King of the Ring 1998 is one of my favorite matches ever. Also, he’s written a few bestsellers, which helps on the money/respectability end.”
3. flubby — Ric Flair
“Best talker, best in the ring, best gimmick. Flair wasn’t just a star himself, but he could turn bums like Sting and Lex Luger into stars…. whereas Brett Hart had a brief run as WWE champ when the company was in the crapper, Flair carried an entire confederacy of wrestling organizations on his back for the better part of two decades…”
Maj: “Sting’s a bum? Maybe you just hate the sharp-shooter.”
flubby: “He’s the fucking worst.”
Punte: “Seriously, anybody that was in WCW that was worth a shit wound up in WWE at some point.”
Maj: “I mean I certainly don’t have him at the top of my list, but that’s harsh.”
flubby: “Brett Hart is good, I just think you’ve rated him too highly. Sting on the other hand is just boring. Here’s every Sting storyline ever: can Sting trust this guy? Answer: No.”
4. Big Daddy Cool DieselDrew — Macho Man Randy Savage
“Loved his nickname. Loved his entrance. Loved his voice. And when he won the WWF title in that tourney way back, he spontaneously won the crowd over despite being a wife beater.
I love the guy.”
It’s true. Drew was deeply offended when Macho Man was left off this list from last month.
True story: I only knew of Pomp & Circumstance as Macho Man’s theme until I was 15. I was a dumb kid.
5. Monday Morning Punter — The Undertaker
“The guy’s been around forever. He’s an amazing athlete for his size, coupled with a gimmick that fans love almost as much as insiders claim it might have hindered his career. But when the lights in the arena went out and you heard the big bell ring, he lived up to the hype. He took the character created for him and, like so many of his opponents, made it bend to his will.”
Round 2
6. Monday Morning Punter — Hulk Hogan
“Technically dreadful, stylistically uninspired, and bald. But he was the flint that helped spark America’s wrestling craze in the 1980s. To date he’s the only wrestler that has made the cover of Sports Illustrated. He’s the reason we’re having this stupid draft to begin with, because without the Hulkster and his performance-enhanced pythons, we would have bought a lot more LEGOs.”
7. Drew — Ricky Steamboat
“Try fucking with this alligator, BITCH”
8. flubby — Abdullah the Butcher
“How great is it to be Abdullah? He’s remained a fixture in the business for decades even though he doesn’t do interviews and doesn’t even stay in shape. Actually, he doesn’t even actually wrestle at all. He usual waddles to the ring, where he stands flat footed and gasping for breath until he starts gouging his opponent with a dinner fork for about ten minutes, then he call it a night. The guy is in his 70’s and weights over 400 pounds, he shouldn’t be outside of Dick Gregory’s eyesight let alone still wrestling. I went to his bbq/soul food restaurant in Atlanta once. Unfortunately, Abdullah was on road. But I made sure to steal a fork.”
9. Ape — The Rock
“Nonpareil mic skills, the most crossover fame of any wrestler who isn’t Hogan while being an actually respectable movie actor and he’s good in the ring. Also, he played defensive tackle for The U on a national championship team, which gives him at least some relevance to this site.”
10. Maj — “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
“One of the original high flyers, he was always one of the most entertaining guys in the (fake) sport. ”
Round 3
11. Maj — Rey Mysterio Jr.
“Just pure fucking awesomeness. He can do just about anything you can imagine in and out of the ring, he’s not a roided up freak-show, and he’s had a long and diverse career. Shit, he was a part of Master P’s No Limit Soldiers and the Filthy Animals.”
12. Ape — Chris Jericho
“Brother just knows how to punch a bitch.”
/waits for Punter to take Chris Benoit
13. flubby — “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.
“Maybe the greatest heel in WWF/WWE history.”
14. Drew — Jesse “The Body” Ventura
Not much in the ring. But he was a wizard with the mic, and I loved him when he broadcast with Gorilla Monsoon.
“I don’t trust that Chico Santana, Gorilla.”
“It’s Tito.”
“Looks like a Chico to me.”
“Oh, WILL YOU STOP?”
Plus I get to make two of the best Arnold flicks ever, AND I can run the state of Minnesota and retroactively get the Vikes that Anoka stadium deal.
15. Punte
“And with the last pick, I select–
[PA System blares Party Pit by The Hold Steady]
WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! THAT’S MATT UFFORD’S MUSIC!”
Tags: Fun With Mock Drafts, wrasslin'
February 13th, 2009 at 9:03 am
doink the clown. that guy just screams rapist. i like that.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I’ll take Andre the Giant thank you.
/shows self out
February 13th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I gotta go w/ Sgt. Slaughter….wrestler AND I get my own a GI Joe action figure
February 13th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Andre the Giant. Anybody want a peanut?
February 13th, 2009 at 9:11 am
ahh shit, dAndy.
alrighty then, Undertaker.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Undertaker is spunt too Slothrop.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
The Iron Shiek. The camel clutch was badass. Not as much fun as camel toe, but still awesome.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:15 am
CM Punk.
I can probably take being sober.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Ultimate Warrior
“Tear down the cockpit door… Hulk.. Hogan.”
February 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I know fuck-all about wrestling, so I’ll take Gorgeous George. Homeboy had style.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
rob. van. dam.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Why no love for Ravishing Rick Rude?
February 13th, 2009 at 9:19 am
A co-worker who doesn’t get down with the blog just picked Cyclone Negro.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Am I the only one that would want to be Stacy Keibler for a little while?…
February 13th, 2009 at 9:23 am
rowdy roddy piper
February 13th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I’m gonna go ahead and take a dive into the midget ranks and take Mini Mr. T.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Kd6vhW0dW5E/SJt95OJkqgI/AAAAAAAAASo/S5AOsd6ESZY/s400/mr+t.jpg
February 13th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Koko B. Ware with his parrot Frankie. His signature move was “The Ghostbuster”
February 13th, 2009 at 9:25 am
See you guys on Monday; I’m going into training for the Special Olympics. I don’t read too good, but man, I’m fast.
/not fast
//mildly retarded
///Is the Junkyard Dog or Hillbilly Jim available?
February 13th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Kurt Angle could go from face to heel in half a second and did some good shit in the Olympics.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I’ll take Dusty Rhodes. He was the American Dream, after all.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Respect for The Dragon…well done.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Lodi
February 13th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Junkyard Dog. I want a pair of pants that say “Thump” across the ass.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Razor Ramon – mmm, mmm, gotta love that much guido
February 13th, 2009 at 9:36 am
no jake the snake roberts? no rutus the barber beefcake? no honly tonk man? no papa shango?
no ULTIMATE WARRIOR(s)???
you all tried to be clever with your picks and they are oh so wrong.
the greatest match in wrestling history was when the Ultimate Warrior defeated Hogan for the Intercontinental AND the World Championship belt at wrestlemania VI. hands down.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
*brutus…
February 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
*honky
/shows self out
February 13th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Yes, we should have taken Rutus the Barber. And Acksaw Rim Muggan!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Big. John. Stud.
Because he’s a legend at glory holes everywhere.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:41 am
sorry BDD – you invoked the the inner wrestling nerd in me and i was so enraged about the warrior diss that i went at the keyboard like chris brown at rihanna’s throat…(pulls collar)…too soon?
/exits once more.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:42 am
The pride of Jim Thorpe Pennsylvania, A.J. Petrosky
February 13th, 2009 at 9:42 am
You are aware that Ultimate Warrior became a complete fucking nutbar, yes? I don’t want his life.
Oh, I’ll take Vince Mac next. He counts. GIMME MY MONEY.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Can we take tag teams? If so – I’ll take the Bushwackers!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:46 am
George the Animal Steele – The best heel ever, plus nobody could eat a turnbuckle like he could.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:47 am
The SUICIDIAL, HOMICIDAL, GENOCIDAL, DEATH-DEFYING MANIAC, SABUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
February 13th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Jesus Christ no one took Stone Cold yet? I like beer. I like swearing and middle fingers. Plus he drove zambonis, and beer trucks, monster trucks, all kinds of cool shit. And the most famous thing he ever said mocked organized religion. I can get on board with that.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Samoa Joe FTW!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Leaping Lanny Poffo
February 13th, 2009 at 9:55 am
It’s a travesty that Superfly Jimmy Snuka went so late. Wait till Bill Simmons hears about this.
BTW, my first pick: Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart to complete the Hart Foundation!
February 13th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Pete Gas- for I, too, know what it’s like growing up on the mean streets of an affluent, white suburb.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Booker T. is still around? Not anymore. Racists.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Hmmmm …. don’t know much about wrestling …. how’s Chris Benoit doing these days?
February 13th, 2009 at 10:02 am
@Big Daddy Peachfucker: that doesn’t count as a pick – I’ll take Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Hooo!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 10:03 am
“Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff’
February 13th, 2009 at 10:05 am
The Iron Yuppie – now more hated than ever
February 13th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Bob Backlund. I will cross-face chicken wing your ass.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Triple H – yeah he’s a tool, BUT he’s nailing the boss’ daughter (after her boob job) and that kind of job security just can’t be beat. Oh and he formed DX with Shawn Michaels.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:13 am
RoadKill, The Angry Amish Chicken Plucker
-pretends to choke imaginary animal
CHICK………ENS!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 10:15 am
I’ve never watched more than 10 combined minutes of that shit in my 31 years on this planet. Actually, Step 1 in UZH’s National Euthanasia Plan once I become Emperor is to eradicate all performers and fans from the gene pool.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Fuck Triple H.
I’d also say fuck you Gay Mafiosos too for letting Stone Cold drop to the commenters picks, but you guys were cool enough to draft Chris Jericho in the main draft. Jericho is full of awesome and win. Also, Bret Hart at #1 is a classic Internet nerd pick, but given that we’re on the Internet and are all nerds, well, it fits. Good job, Maj.
ALSO, Hogan wasn’t technically dreadful. He could actually wrestle, but he only did so in Japan because Vince didn’t want to see the stiff, technical wrestling bullshit until everyone on his roster got busted for steroids and he HAD to push guys like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels and Scott Hall.
Okay, enough out of me, my pick is Edge. Dreadful taste in women aside, he’s got it made.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:16 am
vader so i get to beat up corey matthews from boy meets world.
Can we start to repeat some of the classic former drafts. I fear these drafts are going to get progressively suckier…
February 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Sick Nick Mondo. Anyone who willingly takes a real weedwhacker to the chest is worth it in my book. The scars are legit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abn9DzJn_rc
February 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Oh, and forgot…
/giant wrestling nerd
February 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I’ll have to go with Matt Hardy and a lifetime supply of Favre-endorsed painkillers. That man has no problem backflipping from 30 feet in the air onto an announcers table.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I met (The Ultimate) Warrior at a PAC conference in DC. Sure he’s nuts, but tell it to his face. At least he’s proud about banging the shit out of his wife unlike some mailbag folks…
Oh, and I pick Scott Steiner, aka Big Poppa Pump! He’s your hookup! Hollar, if you hear him.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
And Shawn Michaels wasn’t picked yet either? I oughta kick every last one of you through a barber shop window.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:19 am
@ last unitard – I liked when Backlund made his comeback at around 60 years of age, only now he had “mental problems” and put the chicken wing crossface on that writer who weighed about 90 pounds and was flinging him around the stage/ring.
But I still think Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka was the best.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Tazz – was awesome in ECW then worked into a cushy announcers job with WWE.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Next pick – Sabu, if just becuase when he was asked how good a lay a ring-rat was after a match, he told the guy who asked him to smell his moustache.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:21 am
also, paul wins for picking Rowdy Roddy Piper. The guy had “Piper’s Pit” and starred in “They Live”.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:21 am
And Shawn Michaels wasn’t picked yet either? I oughta kick every last one of you through a barber shop window.
why you think I brought him up?
BTW…next one’s a two-fer: HAWK AND ANIMAL!!! AKA The Road Warriors AKA The L!!! O!!! D!!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Nick Bockwinkel
/going old school
February 13th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Sid Vicious, even if he only has half a brain
February 13th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Sign Guy Dudley, he’s pretty fly for a sign guy.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Jake the Snake…great phsychology and mic skills, cool 80s entrance music, healthy drug habit…whats not to like?
February 13th, 2009 at 10:24 am
“you can draft Terry Taylor, or the Red Rooster, but not both,”
Seems like the consensus is “neither”.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Last pick for me… Christian.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Jerry Lynn
Simply because during an ECW PPV (I think it was Heat Wave) he took Steve Carino’s blood and wrote “DIE” on his own chest.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:27 am
New Jack
5 JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDES BITCH
February 13th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I’ll take a jobber – “The Unpredictable” Johnny Rodz
February 13th, 2009 at 10:29 am
@Shoopmonster
Excellent, excellent call on Jerry Lynn. Those matches with him and RVD towards the end of ECW were amazing.
@Spum
Plus you get to hear your entrance song the entire time you wrestle.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:30 am
JBL
February 13th, 2009 at 10:30 am
This post is screwed the pooch on some golden Chris Benoit joke opportunities.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I gotta get ready for work so I’m making a pick now.
“Sugar” Shane Helms
Get to be the Hurricane, I speak about as well as Lou Holtz. The real reason for the pick is so I can use the Vertebreaker as my finishing move. I always thought it looked awesome enough to cause instant paralysis.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:37 am
UU- taking a jobber not named Barry Horowitz? Shame.
I tried to take the Rockers (Jannety and HBK) but it was disallowed.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Raven.
Grunge isn’t dead.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I pick Eugene, WWE’s retarded wrestler. Suffice to say my friend’s sign at a show that read “I’m DOWNS with Eugene” didn’t last long since we were in the prime spot for TV exposure.
/ mildly annoyed that Scott Steiner already got picked… that guy is the greatest
February 13th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Last pick for me. Going to take the biggest douche left on the board and a fellow Yinzer.
Shane “The Franchise” Douglas.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Val Venis, before he got his junk cut off by the Yakuza.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Continuing on my trend of guys who’ve lasted too long on the boards…”Double A” Arn Anderson.
He and Flair WERE the Horsemen.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am
I’ll take a fellow yinzer. Bruno Sammartino
February 13th, 2009 at 10:43 am
sorry UM, btw how did you not take the greatest Jewish pro wrestler of all time: Bill Goldberg
February 13th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Stone Cold Steve Austin is the Larry The Cable Guy of wrestling.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Golddust. His entrance was pretty sweet when gold confetti rained down on everyone. As far as in the ring goes, he fought like a girl.
/picking all the weirdos is way more fun than picking good wrestlers.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Yinzer B, I was going to take Sammartino as. Nice pick.
I’ll go with Sandman from ECW
February 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Oh, and I’ll take the Godfather. Loves my hos.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I love this guy in the Lucha Libre named El Tejano, Jr.
He’s a heel to the worst extent (from Texas, hates Mexico, tells everybody about it) and carries a bigass bull whip around.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I’ll see your Goldberg and raise you a Gillberg.
Only Vince McMahon would have sacrificed the integrity of his lightweight championship belt to make fun of Eric Bischoff’s queer WCW.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:48 am
@BDD, get on board the Ho train.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I was gonna say this list needs more Necro Butcher, but the pick of Abdullah shall subside.
Necro was robbed on Best Supporting Actor, by the way.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:49 am
i’ll take Tatanka, cuz indians get free money from the government.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:49 am
flubby automatically wins with his first round pick.
This late in the game, give me the British Bulldog, Davey Boy Smiff. Minus the whole dying part (not a bad way to go out, though).
February 13th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Because he was such a beast the Ultimate Warrior. Blowing up from all the roids and dying at 40 would suck. Pure entertainment value, Hacksaw Jim Dugan. HEYO!
February 13th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Oh, and I’ll take Terry Funk.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I loved Tatanka.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Bad Ass Billy Gunn and the Road Dogg Jesse James, for the Marmalard Memorial Pick.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I want to know what it feels like to have the worst finisher in history… Rugged Ronnie Garvin.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Ill take Kofi Kingston. Anyone for Mickie James? Just to you know, look at yourself?
February 13th, 2009 at 10:52 am
How in the hell has nobody picked Diamond Dallas Page? Guy goes from roadie to World Champ with hot wife because he’s friends with Eric Bischoff.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:53 am
How can you not go with the “Kings of Kings,” Triple HHH, multiple Championships, and part of one the greatest tag team in history. Two words Stephanie McManon, also a “professional” body builder… and how do you forget about his great role in one of the Blade movies.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Spum- probably because he made an ass of himself trying to sue Jay Z.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I’ll take Benoit, if not only to show that punk Chris Brown how it’s REALLY done.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Buff Bagwell. Because he just didn’t give a fuck.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Scott Steiner
“Big pappa pump is your hookup, holla if you hear me”
February 13th, 2009 at 10:58 am
What about fictional wrasslers?
Jimmy “The King” King from Ready to Rumble
/movie was hilarious.
//no, seriously.
///fine…fuck off.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:59 am
last pick, The Polish Hammer Ivan Putski
February 13th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Great late round pick Mo Charlo with Buff Bagwell. Is everyone scared to take Eddie Guerrero? The man “cheats to win”. Tommy from Quiznee would appreciate that.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am
i’ll take Owen Hart, so i can FINALLY get some (rest in) peace around here!
seriously though, most of these guys are already dead inside, and in constant pain, etc. is there a better way to officially “retire” than dropping 40′ into the ring during a PPV event? that’s WAY better than leaving your wrestling shoes on the mat after your final match….
February 13th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Mr. Perfect.
It’s been far too long.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:04 am
How about Mr. Perfect? Again, dying aside, it would be cool to have an awesome montage intro and get to pound beers with Wade Boggs.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Dammit Maj.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Sammartino and Putski both off the board? Damn, I hate getting to these drafts late.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:06 am
WINNAR!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Final pic: ZEUS AKA Tiny Lister AKA D-Bo
February 13th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Going back to the Lucha Libre, I’m picking Armando.
He’s your average homeboy from Durango, has a mullet. He also finished opponents by doing a pedigree off the top turnbuckle. Suck shit, HHH.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Pat Patterson
/just not enough gayness around today
//just sayin
February 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I’m really depressed that Koko B. Ware got selected, I was looking forward to recording this masterpiece…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xci6AZnPADw&feature=PlayList&p=DC376085BCDFD660&index=0&playnext=1
I will take The Berzerker. “Hus. Hus. Hus.”
February 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Picking the Macho Man without mentioning Miss Elizabeth? That’s a new level of gay Richard Simmons can only dream of.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Craziness http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD9kQcUvosw
February 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
My next pick is Killer Kowalski along with his cauliflower ears.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Dan, I picked Golddust.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Sorry Mo – didn’t see that mixed in with all spandex and body parts flying around here
/just wanted to enhance the gayness here
February 13th, 2009 at 11:15 am
The Dudley Boys…all of them. You can’t beat a whole half retarded, inbred family.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I’ll take Gorilla Monsoon.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Bobby “The Brain” Heenen
More famous for being a manager or announcer, he took more than his fair share of bumps in the ring.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Brock Lesnar, because then I could then turn that into a successful MMA career
February 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I’ll go with Buh Buh Ray Dudley
February 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
GG – nice call on Pete Gas…those guys were hilarious.
I will take the one and only Shockmaster. Greatest first appearance ever.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Fuck, someone already took Angle.
Ummm….
John Morrison
Sure, I’d have to tag with The Miz, but that guy’s tagged like half the divas
February 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
“The Claw” is all you bitches need to know.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Andy Kauffman
February 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Disco Inferno.
Burn, baby, burn.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Jerry “The King” Lawler
PUPPIES!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Ultimate Warrior, no doubt.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Earthquake!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am
scotty too hotty,greatest finishing move of all time, the worm
February 13th, 2009 at 11:23 am
God dammit, Y2J and The Godfather DEFINE win.
I’ll take the big red machine, Kane, just because I want to see what it would be like to live my life as Sloth from The Goonies.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Mikey Whipwreck!!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
@ Joel – The ultimate Warrior is alive and well. the guy was political now for a while and he tours the country giving speeches on conservativism to college students. I also read he created his own Warrior philosophy.
hey, how come no one mentioned GOLDDUST!?!?!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Lest us not forget, Captain Lou Albono. Well at least before all that Cyndi Laupner shit.
Always wanted to put rubber bands on my beard.
Unable to grow beard in the 80’s.
Unable to grow beard in the 00’s.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am
In middle school i played baseball and used to do the worm in the dugout when someone hit a home run. true story.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
damnit i wanted to take terry funk! fine, i will take rob van dam for the WIN.
(or bryan danielson. BEST IN THE WORLD!).
February 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I’ll take Hawk from the Road Warriors/Legion of Doom. Great intro music, and you get to close line people off of Animal’s shoulders from the top rope, potentially killing them. AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW WHAT A RUSH!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
@Devin Hester’s – That’s the reason why I picked him. You are a man the appreciates fine music, sir.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Mongo Steve McMicheal. That way Stone Cold can know what my sloppy seconds are like. Also, Super Bowl champion.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
KNOW WHAT?! FUCK IT, i am waaaay smarter than this:
i am taking BRUISER BRODY. eat that!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:29 am
CLOTHESLINE DIPSHIT!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:29 am
may i present the best ultimate warrior tribute ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kr9TspUvigM
how none of you could pick absolute batshit steroid crazy is beyond me.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I’m now taking King Slender from the original Pro Wrestling game on NES. Piledriver was a devastating move.
Also, WWF should have made a faction that consisted of Outlaw Ron Bass, Skinner and the Stalker Barry Windham.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
911 from the ECW days. Just show up, chokeslam people, and get my check. Simple.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Gotta love the Macho Man — my brother and I rode some weird ass ride at Disneyland when I was like 8 and we sat beside him. He kept saying “Oh yeah, brother” and shit just liike his schtick. Gotta love it.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
C’mon you forgot the best Jewish wrestler of all time: Barry Horowitz
http://barryhorowitz.newpathproductions.com/
February 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@hollywood: ive always felt so bad for that barry windham. so underrated. what is a blackjack mulligan anyway? a do-over? for money?
sounds about right.
(sorry barry)
February 13th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Curt Hennig throwing himself a pass in slow motion is one of the greatest moments in sporting history.
That was perfect.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:36 am
My next pick is Butch Bushwacker, specifically for his role in defeating the Bolsheviks.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:36 am
nobody drafted sting? BURN.
(that guy SUCKS)
February 13th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I’m going to take the 1-2-3 Kid (later X Pac) just so I can say I fucked Chyna in the ass on video. My life is awesome!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:42 am
D-Lo Brown, because nobody knows anything outside of the ring so I will go ahead and just assume that he is married to the Puerto Rican girl who works the Radio Shack downstairs from my job.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:44 am
@Andrea The NWO Wolfpack drafted him which says a lot.
/Wolfpack was gay.
//NWO Hollywood, also gay.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:45 am
With only slim pickens left I’ll Xena: Warrior Princess. Now go quietly fuck Roberto Alomar!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Since non of you regular commenters wanted DDP, I’ll take him. I’ll be able to get my head kicked in for the entire match only to throw the diamond cutter on my opponent when they go for the frog splash.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Piper. Just for the pure psychotic frenzy he could work himself into. That, and the fact that he blasted Mort with the fire extinguisher.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:48 am
@Fletch. I took Golddust. I mentioned it twice.
While this has been fun, I do need to say that I am a Jericaholic.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
@alvin
i tend to forget things that happened after the nwo jumped the shark.
though i do remember rey mysterio getting javellined into a trailer. that was something else.
@megatron: DDP! good pick, sir!
February 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am
[sorry - i have to work the land today so i have to do all my picks at once]
well, the ladies board is wide open — Jacqueline (met her once, she was very nice); Lita; Ivory; Stacy Keibler
and . . .
Koko B. Ware (bawk! hallelujah! oh oh oh oh); Marty Janetti; Rey Mys-ter-io; Eddie Guerrro RIP
/Gay Mafia picked all of my true favorites. great list. you too, guy who picked HBK
// glad we seem to agree HHH is Marmalard-level douche
February 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
if yer gonna draft a woman, how about medusa, or sara del rey, or bull nakano…
February 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am
King Harley Race. That guy will drive his boat through Party Cove at the Lake of the Ozarks and there’ll be nothing but tits flashing at him and he’ll have several gals on his boat. That man is living the life.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Got to go Tag Team here – Dick the Brusier & The Crusher
Ass kickers Personified
/yes, I’m older than most here
February 13th, 2009 at 11:57 am
@ Andrea — nice!
well then, Moolah
February 13th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I’m going with shane mcmahon. heir to the throne, and a pretty badass wrestler too. check out 2:53 of this shit:
February 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
uh, right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFKga11Ufxk
February 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
THE REVOLTING BLOB!
Oh, a real one? What about The Big Show?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@ Andrea, again: also, i believe the call of the question was pro wrestler i would want to be, not pro wrestler who actually wrestled. a lot of old school names could go on that list . . .
February 13th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Mark Henry – because I shared a turboprop US Airways flight with him in DC last year. He apparent is as broke as the rest of us so not a lot of “life” potential there. He’s also balding with braids a la Jerry Rice and has Olympic credentials to boot.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Test got to bang Stacy Kiebler for several years. ’nuff said.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Hercules
Dude swings a 45 foot chain around the ring. Not to mention he was sold into slavery with the Million Dollar man, only to battle out of it.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
The Natural Butch Reed – probably the first time I saw a black man have blond hair
February 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Oh and for the record, Jericho’s heel work now blows anything Million Dollar Man did. Chris Jericho just fucking rules.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I call Tajiri: “It’s the green mist!”
February 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
oh, good point foxxxy.
did woman/nancy ever get in the ring? because she was my favorite valet/manager of all time.
woman, oh woman, wont you marry me now…
February 13th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Bam Bam Bigelow.
BEAST FROM THE EAST!
February 13th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
how about….
PAPA SHANGO aka Pedro Cerrano
nothing like combining two of america’s favorite things, voodoo and wrestling!
February 13th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Junkyard Dog.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Perry Saturn?
/exits with head hung low
//gets 30 unnecessary tattoos and nose piercing
///joke fails
February 13th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Wrestling died for me after the downfall of Big South/WCW (I think that’s what it was) – Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Butch Reed, the Von Erichs, etc. Anyone growing up in/around the Houston area will remember the Paul Bosch (RIP – great announcer and great wrestler in his day) wearing a 5k Diamond Ring in his ear in a commercial for IW Marks Jewelers saying, “If IW Marks can make me look pretty, imagine what they can do for you”…indirectly hilarious.
http://jdblundell.blogspot.com/2006/07/who-were-your-heroes.html
Looking for the commercial – will post later if I can find it.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Trish Stratus, so I could spend every waking moment masturbating in front of a mirror.
/as opposed to now.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Unless I missed a post no one has actually taken HBK. Steal of the draft, Shawn Michaels!
February 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
And let’s also not forget Kamala the Ugandan Giant. The belly slapping/sumo stance thing was also indirectly hilarious, instead of intimidating.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
i, am, however sticking to my earlier pick: i wanna be bruiser brody. HUSS!
February 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@stubone: saturn was only great when paired with kronus, doing total elimination at the bingo hall.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Gold Dust
/is fabulous
February 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Junkyard Dog- Best head butts in the business.
For female rassler- The Fabulous Moolah. She was pulling hair in the squared circle into her seventies.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Lawrence Taylor.
HE WRESTLED IN A MATCH! HE COUNTS!
/his life is as fucked up as the Ultimate Warrior’s, but he’s still alive and endorsing video games at least
February 13th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Damn, Macho Man’s already gone? Reckon I’ll have to take his substitute, the Black Machismo!
/believes diet coke tastes like regular coke
//but not really
February 13th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
rd. 1 ravishing rick rude
rd. 2 ultimate warrior
rd. 3 million dollar man ted dibiase
rd. 4 hulk hogan
February 13th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
gotta throw in a link to the Big Bad Booty Daddy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkMy25YwVCw
but since someone FINALLY picked him already, i go with Earthquake.
FTR I thought the greatest Jewish wrestler was Irwin R. Scheister.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Koko B. Ware, ahthankyou.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
arn anderson!
February 13th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I’d just like to add a ‘harumph’ to all of you that agreed that Sting sucks. Man, did I detest that guy.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I can’t believe he’s still on the board.
The Great Muta. *yoink*
February 13th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I pick goldberg because god loves a good Jew. Also he played for the Falcons so I got the NFL stuff. Additionally he has done a good job of keeping in the headlines.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
If anyone picks Jeff Jarrett, they’re banned.
That’s J-E-DOUBLE-F J-A-DOUBLE-R-E-DOUBLE-T
DOUBLE J JEFF JARRETT
so gay
February 13th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@Tatum
Finally someone else shows some love for big pappa pump.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Dammit Im late for this one…So Im drafting my survivor series team…
Ill take Kevin “Diesel” Nash (or Kane as the Fake Diesel if Nash is off the board), Brock Lesnar, Jake The Snake Roberts, Ax and Smash of Demolition (if the Road Warriors are off the board), and for present days sake Ill take the team of Beer Money, Inc. (”Mind on our money, and our money on our Beer.”)
All managed by Paul Heyman.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I’m not sure whether “Thunderlips,” (from Rocky III) counts as a separate wrestler from Hulk Hogan, but that’s what I’m going with.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Fuck me for showing up late.
Rowdy Roddy Piper, Captain Lou Albano, the Iron Shiek … all tragically gone.
Guess I’ll take Thunderlips.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Are you kidding me, Zack?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Yeah, how you asshats didn’t take The Ultimate Warrior in the first two rounds is beyond me.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
What’s with all the hate for Sting? Ya, I hate the guy now…and I hated him when he and the British Bulldog were teaming up to face the Masters Of The Powerbomb (Vader & Sid, managed by Harley Race). Speaking of which, Vader is a solid pick…like WCW Vader.
But, Sting was bad ass when he was hanging out in the rafter and kicking the shit out of the entire NWO. They screwed him when they had him join the NWO Wolfpac – So Gay.
If anyone picks Konnan, I will personally castrate you.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
The Loose Cannon Brian Pillman
“REAL MEN DONT QUIT, THEY GET FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!”
February 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
damnit i was gonna take muta!
February 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@Otto: my dream pick would have been Rowdy Roddy Piper (I can’t believe he didn’t get picked by one of the KSK authors – what the hell have they been smoking?) but when you show up to the draft 200 picks in, you’re stuck with the few crumbs that are still left on the table. I remember Thunderlips being pretty cool out of the ring, plus having a stable of bitches as well.
February 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I’ve got to work hard today and have already missed 200+ picks so I’ll take the left overs.
Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff
Tony Atlas
Rocky Johnson
Bad News Brown. The ghetto blaster was the shiznit
February 13th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I can’t believe I forgot about this, I will now be taking A.J. “The Agitator” Pierzynski.
but here’s a question for you fucks-
Is A.J. the Marmalard of Baseball, or is Marmalard the A.J. of Football?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
February 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
@Otto: Ah, I see I just beat you. Better hurry up and snatch up Adorable Adrian Adonis while s/he’s still available – or it’s T/S (Tethered Swimming) for you (…I don’t feel right.)
February 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@mo charlo – noticed that after the post, so you get golddust. but I got the sleeper pick of ‘em all…
SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
best pick ever (after brody, of course): dr death steve williams!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
@jackin’4beats – nice call on the Bad News Brown. Any guy who betrays Bret Hart in a battle royal and brings sewer rates to the ring to combat Jake’s snake is bigtime!
What about Mike Awesome? ECW Version (although the Fat Chick Thriller in WCW was something else) who used to beat the everloving shit out of Spike Dudley and his Girlfriend?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Late round sleepers: Mil Mascaras, Freddie Blassie & Bobo Brazil
February 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
What about the greatest blob of them all? Yokozuna?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I’m totally out of turn, but Kimbo, christ, I can’t believe you brought up the Mexicans!
El Dandy, Silver King and Villano 4 (out of like 1000 of them) were my favourites. Anyone remember when Raven and Chris “I Smoke Pole” Kanyon practically killed that Villano in the ring?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
sid fucking vicious. only because when i was a wee lass, he sure terrified me.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Michael “Freebird” Hayes
February 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I already took Sid, Andrea.
Honky Tonk Man, because I want to hit people with guitars El-Kabong-style
February 13th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
oh damnit ape! then i pick “the franchise” shane douglas. BLACK AND GOLD!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Was the Iron Shiek drafted yet? If not Im just gonna reach and take former WCW wrestler “Above Average” Mike Sanders.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
damnit, shane is taken, too. steve corino.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Dean Malenko
Guy could fucking wrestle and really hurt you if you pissed him off
February 13th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Shane Douglas fucking sucks. Quite possibly the worst pick of the draft. Sorry Andrea, you had some good ones up until that shitbomb.
Who’s next – Evan Karagias? Three Count as a team? The Goon?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
With my next pick I take Hines Ward, part of the legendary stable “Kaientai.”
Flog Sprash!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Ludvig Borga.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Ill take 123 Kid, Sparkplug Bob Holly, Repo Man and Golddust
February 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I want mike Awesome. He was the balls in ECW. Awesomebomb
February 13th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
If anybody understands this pick, I’ll be amazed.
Kazushi Sakuraba
Wrestled professionally in Japan and then went on to become “The Gracie Hunter” with MMA wins over several Gracies, Rampage Jackson, Ken Shamrock and Kevin Randleman. Plus, he’s an idol and legend in Japan and I’d rather be idolized in Japan than in the US….the tail is so much better.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
@hollywood – yeah but i saw shane defeat bam bam for the ecw title at a november to remember ppv, and it was nice cheering for the hometown guy (he was also my friend’s substitute history teacher during that time). but the fucker wouldnt sign one goddamn autograph. oh well. he’s got great mic skills though.
@bk: OH SHIT DEAN MALENKO. fucking good one.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
oh and batshit ecw crazy pillman is my next one.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
With my final pick in the draft, I will take my own personal Mr. Irrelevant, THE KING OF SWING DANCIN STEVIE RICHARDS!!!!!!!
Rd1: Jake The Snake Roberts
Rd2: Ax & Smash Demolition
Rd3: Kane/Fake Diesel
Rd4: Brock Lesnar
Rd5: Loose Cannon Brian Pillman
Rd6: Above Average Mike Sanders
Rd7: Stevie Richards
February 13th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
@Andrea – agreed on the mic skills…really overrated in the ring. Dean Douglas? hahahaha.
I miss the old ECW – Rhino piledriving Sandman’s wife through tables, Masato Tanaka vs. Mike Awesome, RVD when he was actually allowed to wrestle.
Impact Players? FUCK and YA.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
@dick
i know who sakuraba is, DUH. DUH DUH DUH.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
@ andrea, I took crazy pillman early. Real men dont quit, they get fired….
/for reading this blog at work…
February 13th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
@hollywood
the first time i saw ecw tv, it was when francine turned on the pitbulls and they superbombed her through tables. i was hooked immediately.
with that, i choose the queen of extreme, francine, only because she can take bumps and was trained at the house of hardcore, the only actual woman to ever actually graduate.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
so many marks! so little time!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Playboy Buddy Rose
Colonel DeBeers
February 13th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
The Chairman of WCW, La Parka.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Hehehe syke late-80s AWA was such a joke.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Ravishing Rick Rude and his gyrating hips. I want to make all those dirty hick girls cream their Sassoons.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Is Drew Carey still on the board? He was in WrestleMania once. It was him and 31 other guys who relentlessly beat the shit out of him. He was the Cleveland Browns of wrestling.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I pick Viscera…because I like to sit on dude’s faces.
Wait…what?!
February 13th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
1. Chief Jay Strongbow. Thas right, old school. Chief would do the war dance and put the sleeper hold on a motherfucker and that was it. Too cool
2. Bruno Sammartino. My grandmother swore she saw him lift Ivan Koloff over his head and throw him into third row of seats. First man to bench 550. Google Bruno/Iron Sheik/Steelers to read about legendary brawl between Bruno and Sheik vs. six Steelers after match at old Civic Center in the ‘Burgh.
3. Goldberg-saw him military press Scott Steiner while standing and rep him out about eight times
yes, I know the shit is fake
February 13th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
@marmatard – hahaha. Playboy Buddy Rose? Blow-Away Diet? 214 lbs? Who was his tag-team partner? Doug Summers.
Late 80’s AWA was BRUTAL – Greg Gagne? “Cool” Curt Henning?
@ Public Enemy – Viscera tag team w/Bastion Booger?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
What about the Big Red Machine….Ka—-Pete Rose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I still get my pubes cut by Brutus “the barber” Beefcake ..and yes he uses the huge lawn shears ..its bad down there..seriously
February 13th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
randy muther fuckin orton
February 13th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
# 2 pick has to be the Canadian Strongman.. who out there remembers his ring moniker..
February 13th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
allthough if i could just pick whoever taker benoit and flair would be at the top
February 13th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Best value pick of the draft, Jeff Hardy. Gets to bang Lita, has as many ring rats as he needs, and does all sorts of opiates.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
also nigel mcguiness is awesome (relizes he knos who that is….crys)
February 13th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Lance Storm
He’s from Calgary…..Alberta, Canada
February 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Haystacks Calhoun
February 13th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
@rae: fuck nigel. same old shit.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@Jefferson Short Bus
Muta is a great pick.
Magnum TA
February 13th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
my pick is the tommy brady of this draft:
ULTIMO DRAGON!
what a shame he was reduced to being a wcw jobber.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Not one of you gays picked Rowdy Roddy Piper? I am offended.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
jp: tons of people picked piper…! just control-f/action-f that action. F!
@krunknasty: ooh ultimo dragon! great choice!
February 13th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I can’t believe no one has taken Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Or Vampiro. I’ll take them, then.
And I’ll also go with Virgil, Vince McMahon’s answer to the Civil Rights movement.
For the last two: Hillbilly Jim and Tito Santana.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Happy Farmer Humprey “The Slab of Bacon from Macon”
http://www.canoe.ca/SlamWrestlingGuestColumn/schramm_99apr1.html
Antonino Rocca
February 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Ken Patera.
I’ve always wanted flowing blonde hair and the ability to snap men’s necks, but I usually have to pay extra for that.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
i’ll take Al Snow, thank you.
anyone else miss the WWE hardcore championship? crash holly ruined it.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Tommy Dreamer. Again, I know nothing of his life but he always seemed like a badass.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Is Batista really still on the board? If so, I’m taking him. If not, I’m leaving to go do foul things while looking at Lucy Pinder.
Actually, I’m going to do that either way.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
going through 200+ of these i might’ve missed it, but, no love for the sandman? beer + kendo sticks + total disregard for any and every fucking thing = hero…
February 13th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
The Z Man… Tom Zenk
February 13th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I’ll take Irwin R. Schyster or IRS to his friends. He’s jewish, so he’s got money and he got to beat people with a briefcase. What’s not to like?
February 13th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
@EP: i was wondering who would be the sucker picking tom zenk…
February 13th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I’d for sure take the Genius aka Leaping Lanny Poffo..aka macho’s smarter brother.. he did beat Hogan on Saturday Night fights one time..he outsmarted him
February 13th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
The Gobbledy Gooker – I mean c’mon, he was HATCHED FROM AN EGG!
February 13th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Am I the only one who wants JR?
OH MY GOD… ITS KANE’S MUSIC… SWEET JESUS… SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP THIS MADNESS
I would also like to take Mr. Paul Bearer. Thank you very much
February 13th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
i would rather take percy pringle, jmuc.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Fuck me again, I’m way too late. My pick would have been Rowdy Roddy Piper, then Jesse The Body Ventura, but they were off the board right away. So instead-Fun Facts:
The “South Park” Cripple Fight between Timmy and Jimmy was a remake (almost shot-for-shot) of the epic street fight between Roddy Piper and Keith David had in “They Live”. Also, check out “Hell Comesto Frogtown”.
James Brown got the idea of getting robes thrown on him (by Bobby Byrd) at the end of his act from Gorgeous George.
The Iron Sheik was Lebanese-American and Christian.
I once sat near Jesse The Body Ventura at a Timberwolves game. He knew the refs’ names and called them out: “Aw come on, hugh, they’ve been hackin’ KG all night!”. My brother shook his hand and later we saw Kirby Puckett. True Story.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@Hollywood: Greg Gagne’s bullshit push thanks to being the son of the promoter was a big reason the AWA was terrible. He looked like a high school math teacher and couldn’t wrestle worth a damn.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Since I can’t pick Ric Flair, I’ll take his son David Flair.
From a Stacy Keibler interview page…
“Rumor has it that in real life you dated Ric Flair’s son, David.
I did. Years ago. It was the beginning of the WCW days.”
That’s good enough for me.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Fuck I hate being late to these damn things, but since I am can I go really old school and take the Moondogs of WCW fame? They sucked as wrestlers but their act was hilarious. Also showing my age I’d like to put in a waiver wire claim for former FSu star Ron Simmons……….. DAMN.
/yes, I’m over 40 and have yet to grow up
/did someone mention Lucy Pinder before.. hmmmmmmm
/dick joke
February 13th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I’m going with Marvelous Marc Mero. Jew extraordinaire.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
@ TDub
The Claw, indeed. Since you took Baron von Raschke, I’ll take Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
i’ll go with Nails and Crush, only because i’d like to see my name in the dictionary…
also, being dead aside, i think the Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich would be gettin’ MAD trim right now…..and roofing houses.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
How come nobody’s picked Pacman Jones? Oh, yeah.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
These rules suck! I can’t draft myself?!? Guess I better quit effin’ around on the indies and do something.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Looking for late value…go with The Big Cat, Ernie Ladd(traded earlier picks for aging QB)
February 13th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Gotta go with Bad News Brown and the Brooklyn Brawler. Two wrestlers who were mediocre at best, but still brought the ‘tude every match. Liked how BNB referred to everyone as spineless cockroaches.
And where’s the love for Tugboat. I figured a fat guy sporting a red and white striped spandex top and a captains hat deserves some respect.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Frankie Kazarian anybody?
February 13th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Al Snow.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Balls Mahoney
just so I can beintroduced to my new girlfriends family when she goes “Dad…this is my boyfriend Balls”
February 13th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
What about Owen “Blue Blazer” Hart?
February 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I’ll take Captain Insano. I like to laugh at and motivate retards.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
rikishi still on the board?
Steal of the draft
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XHCCRKxX2E
February 13th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
if i saw Mark Henry on a turboprop plane i would Get. The. Fuck. Off. Of. It. before it took off
February 13th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
@Teyton_Panning – I believe you are referring to Dino Bravo, who was in deep with the mob and who’s death is still unsolved.
Um, I’ll take Glacier. Wait, shit…
February 13th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
“Maj: “I haven’t felt like this big a nerd in a VERY long time.”
you did see that photo of yourself on here earlier this week, right?
/i’ll just call myself a bitch and show myself out
//also many thanks, Ape, for the Callaway-Foley clip!!!
February 13th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
BIG JOHN STUD
Shame on all of you for letting him get this far
February 13th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
What? No love for Dr. D (David Schultz?)
I wish someone would do Peter King like this.
http://www.break.com/index/pro_wrestler_punches_reporter.html
February 13th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Since Mick Foley was taken….I’m gonna go with Dude Love AND Cactus Jack.
Owned.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
The Great Mephisto
Sometime wrestler, also manager of Abdullah the Butcher. Coined the immortal line when talking about Abdullah – “A man so dirty, he can take a bath in a cess pool and leave a dirty ring.’
February 13th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
As a bonus, can I take Mark Henry and Mae Young’s hand?
February 14th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I didn’t notice anybody pick Kenny “Sodbuster” Jay, one of the great “jobbers” in pro wrestling history, and where would any of the superstars be without the jobbers? Plus, he once took on Muhammad Ali in a wrestler vs. boxer match, the highlight of a 30+ year career…
If I were gonna pick a non-jobber, it would have to be The Crusher, who used to say he trained by carrying a quarterbarrel of Pabst from the brewery in Milwaukee, out to Cudahy, drinking heavily from both along the way…
/Yeah, I’m older than you…
February 14th, 2009 at 1:25 am
ernest “the cat” miller
SOMEBODY BETTA CALL MY MOMMA!
/does james brown dance
February 14th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Special Delivery Jones….FTW
February 14th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Actually, since no one has said him MISTEERRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY
KENNEDY!!!!
February 14th, 2009 at 3:02 am
Since I’m joining this thing way late, I’m taking a tag team: The New Age Outlaws.
“Oh, you didn’t know?! Your ass betta CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL somebodyyyyyyyyyy!!!”
Steal.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Since I’m joining this thing way late, I’m taking a tag team: The New Age Outlaws.
“Oh, you didn’t know?! Your ass betta CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL somebodyyyyyyyyyy!!!”
Steal.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:04 am
Sorry for the double post. It’s late…and I suck. (Shows self out.)
February 14th, 2009 at 3:46 am
No Razor Ramon… this is blasphemy!!!! Razor’s edge = best finishing move ever plus he is a pretty cool guy, eh beats up all the wrestlers and doesn’t afraid of anything.
February 14th, 2009 at 8:33 am
From TPB, I’m going to take the Green Bastard, hailing from Parts Unknown.
February 14th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Seems to be available at this point – the Mighty Igor. He used sandpaper to rough up his own eye so he could keep up an eyepatch gimmick. That’s the kind of insane dedication to one’s craft you don’t see in today’s HGH-ridden freaks.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Has anyone taken Goldust aka Dustin Rhodes?
February 14th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Nobody takes wives into consideration? Undertaker’s wife was hot, I’d take him first no question.
Plus I just seen him on TV for the first time in years and he hasn’t lost a step. He’s like the Morten Anderson of pro wrestling.
February 14th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I’ll take…. Giant Gonzales.. and.. Justin Credible… wrestling nerd
February 14th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
The Nasty Boys
Finally, an excuse not to wash my pits
February 14th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
No Dynamite Kid? He was a prick but an amazing performer.
February 14th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
hey Jalex: great work on giant gonzales (though i would have gone with el gigante-persona) and justin. last i heard, he was working at a target in minnesota though.
but what a talented mf-er.
February 14th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
The Nasty Boys
Finally, an excuse not to wash my pits
Like you (I think), also from Allentown, PA. You are like brothers.
/Mother is from Allentown
February 14th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Old-school NWA is the key to this. That is where all the good, obscure guys are lurking…
Nikita Koloff?
February 15th, 2009 at 4:18 am
1) Shawn Michaels
2) Kurt Angle
3) Booker T
4) Brock Lesnar
5) Goldberg
How were these guys not picked? I hope this isn’t a money league!
February 15th, 2009 at 5:16 am
“I’ll see your Goldberg and raise you a Gillberg.
Only Vince McMahon would have sacrificed the integrity of his lightweight championship belt to make fun of Eric Bischoff’s queer WCW.”
You can’t just take Gillburg and not post his entrance!
February 15th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Much like I just did. Sonofa.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OknYjUQc0ww
February 15th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Superstar Billy Graham saw him in a match against Putski he would spit into the crowd every time he took a punch
Mr. Fuji and Professor Toru Tanaka
Afa and Sika The Wild Samoans
February 16th, 2009 at 12:56 am
I’ll take Prince Albert for the EPIC WIN. Also taking Typhoon (rather than Tugboat) to round out my Natural Disasters tag team. Keeping up with the fat bastard theme, I will take Yokozuna in round four. And so I can have one wrestler who is not a disgusting mess of a man, I will round out my squad with the incredibly handsome Chuck Palumbo, who I am gay for.
/ not really gay though
// is this how these work?
/// jack swagger also has a splendid physique
February 16th, 2009 at 12:57 am
With April 15th fast approaching, I would also like to take D’lo Brown to prepare my taxes.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
What, no love for Tony Schiavoni?
I’m a big fan of weird tag team combos, so give me Nicolai Volkoff (just so I can sing the Russian anthem before the match) and Akeem (ah-boooooo… ha ha!). To manage, I’ll take the original Jive Soul Bro, Slick, and to annouce, from the ol’ WCCW days, I’ll take Gordon Solie. Aw yeah… dig it.