For this week’s mock draft we’re selecting the man (or woman) we would want to put our life story on film. You can select any “behind the camera” type you’d like, with the exception of animators. That leaves you free to pick your favorite writers, directors, and/or producers who will in turn be responsible for crafting your very own biopic.

Draft order is as follows…

1. Drew
2. Flubby
3. KOGOD
4. Punte
5. Ufford
6. Ape

Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, anyone drafting Michael Bay will be blown up in a completely unnecessary explosion. Let the drafting commence.

Drew- Coen Brothers

I’m guessing they’d mock my character for the course of the entire film, and end with me being hatcheted to death. Oddly enough, I have no problem with any of that. So long as they keep the quality at Miller’s Crossing level, and not Hudsucker/Intolerable Cruelty level.

Maj: Don’t besmirch Hudsucker.

Flubby: No shit, that movie was great.

Ed. note: Nobody even bitched that Drew fucked up right off the bat by selecting both brothers. That guy plays by his own rules.

Flubby- Quentin Tarantino

Because in his movie my humdrum workaday existence would be just a cover for something completely badass. I’d probably be a vampire hit-man who always had oodles of snappy give and take for Punte’s podcasts — plus I would totally get to defenestrate whoever picks Woody Allen in this draft.

Maj: Woody Allen

As if I even had a choice. Defenstrate away, rube! Any movie based on my life wouldn’t be complete without a scene similar to the school scene from Annie Hall.

Ufford: Woody Allen is a fucking horrible pick.

Maj: Well obviously.

Ape: Just be happy he followed the rules of the draft. Woody Allen is a sound pick though.

Ufford: Everyone gives him a free pass because of Annie Hall and whatever he did 30 years ago. He sucks. And you can tell Leitch that, too.

Drew: Suddenly, Jack’s character loves Puccini operas and old typewriters

Maj: Bastards.

Drew: Punter selects Antarctica

Punte- Alfred Hitchcock

Hehe, “cock.”

Hitchcock smartened the genre of film and revolutionized the medium, plus he was able to scare the shit out of people in his day without resorting to excessive gore. But he knew how to create a scene and tell complex stories, which makes him the ideal candidate for telling this asshole’s tale.

Maj: Is his dick coming out of his stomach? it’s like the plague draft all over again!

Punte: No, it’s just super long.

Ufford: Charlie Kaufman

Because not only would the movie be about me, but it would be about the process of trying to make a movie about me, starring alternate realities of me, and the alternate realities of me are gonna be way more interesting than the real me. Then there’d be eels, and probably a chimpanzee. That’s a good movie right there.

Maj: I can’t wait for Ufford’s version of the Malkovich scene.

Ape- Stanley Kubrick

Not giving him much to work with, but he’ll make it haunting and psychological.

Ape- Paddy Chayefsky

My movie’s gonna be some well-written shit.

Drew: Ape in the newsroom: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!!!”

Maj: Maybe I should have insisted these people be alive. Oh well, Shakespeare’s still available!

Ufford- Michael Bay

You know what? Screw critical acclaim. I want my movie to be a fucking blockbuster. I want big-ass explosions. And I want Megan Fox to be the love interest.

/also pleased to annoy Maj

Punte: Rick Baker

My life is not scary, but with some werewolves and giant dogs and shit, it will be.

Maj- Wes Anderson

I want Kumar Pallana to be my man-servant.

Ape: Between Woody and Wes, every hipster in history will show up for KOGOD: The Movie

Drew: Wes Anderson and Woody? I wanna punch your life story in the face.

Drew: Well they wouldn’t be able to work on the same movie together, so in essence I’m drafting three different visions of my life story.

Ape: It would be nice for them to work together

Cole Porter song
Ramones song
Benny Goodman song
John Lennon song
Cab Calloway song
David Bowie song

Fin.

Maj: So very true. Drew selects John Irving and sets the entire movie at Exeter.

Flubby- David Mamet

You chintzy, two-bit cocksuckers.

Ape: Ha. Good pick. I was thinking about him solely for the excessive swearing.

Maj: Yeah, he’s one of two i was considering for my last pick.

Drew: Andrew Blake

Because if someone’s gonna film my life story, I want it to feature Dahlia Grey and Kyla Cole in rubber garter belts and tiptoe bondage stilettos.

Drew: Michael Mann

The man makes fucking great looking movies. Plus, I’d be depicted as a no-nonsense, high-level professional who drives speedboats to Cuba and bangs women as a kind of snack break.

Honorable mention to Leni Reifenstahl. And the director I’d least like to film my life story? Errol Morris.

“So, Mrs. Magary, how many times do you estimate your son masturbated a day?”

Ape: WAIT UNTIL THE DRAFT IS OVER FOR HONORABLE MENTIONS, FATTY.

Flubby: Martin Scorsese

For a hundred reasons but mainly because my life would benefit from a 1970′s cockrock soundtrack.

Punte: Can’t believe Marty fell that far

Maj: I’m just not enough of a badass to have Scorsese direct my life story.

Drew: Plus bad things happen to you at the end of a Scorsese movie.

Flubby: Bad things happen at the end of your life too.

Drew: NUH UH! I WILL NEVER DIE AND IF I DO I WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND SEE MY GRANDPA AND WE’LL HAVE COOKIES AND ALWAYS BE HAPPY.

Flubby: Maj got called into a meeting on short notice. He told me to tell you he picks the Wayans Bros.

Ape: Maj picks Diablo Cody for hipster sweep.

Maj: I hate hipsters.

Maj- Michael Chabon

Easily my favorite writer, and although his forays into the world of film have been a bit shaky, but not it hasn’t exactly been his fault. And yes, I’m aware that he’ll probably want to make my on-screen likeness gay.

Punte- Clint Eastwood

Ape: He’ll give you a charming zipperhead comedic foil

Ufford- Spike Jonze

Gondry’s [whom he'd previously floated as a possible pick] sweet, dreamlike style doesn’t really jibe with my life.

Ape- Robert Evans

Was I surprised Drew didn’t take him? Oh yeah. Will I take him now? You bet your ass. Is he gonna make the Tunison movie chock-full of big-tittied girls and car chases and other sensational shit that never happened to me? Honey, you can take it to the bank.

Drew: Baby, that’s a good pick!

Maj: He was my only honorable mention.

And that’s all for us. Pick your own writer/director/producer (or makeup guy!) in the comments. Wait ten picks in between selections or we make you watch Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor.