For this week’s mock draft we’re selecting the man (or woman) we would want to put our life story on film. You can select any “behind the camera” type you’d like, with the exception of animators. That leaves you free to pick your favorite writers, directors, and/or producers who will in turn be responsible for crafting your very own biopic.
Draft order is as follows…
1. Drew
2. Flubby
3. KOGOD
4. Punte
5. Ufford
6. Ape
Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, anyone drafting Michael Bay will be blown up in a completely unnecessary explosion. Let the drafting commence.
I’m guessing they’d mock my character for the course of the entire film, and end with me being hatcheted to death. Oddly enough, I have no problem with any of that. So long as they keep the quality at Miller’s Crossing level, and not Hudsucker/Intolerable Cruelty level.
Maj: Don’t besmirch Hudsucker.
Flubby: No shit, that movie was great.
Ed. note: Nobody even bitched that Drew fucked up right off the bat by selecting both brothers. That guy plays by his own rules.
Flubby- Quentin Tarantino
Because in his movie my humdrum workaday existence would be just a cover for something completely badass. I’d probably be a vampire hit-man who always had oodles of snappy give and take for Punte’s podcasts — plus I would totally get to defenestrate whoever picks Woody Allen in this draft.
Maj: Woody Allen
As if I even had a choice. Defenstrate away, rube! Any movie based on my life wouldn’t be complete without a scene similar to the school scene from Annie Hall.
Ufford: Woody Allen is a fucking horrible pick.
Maj: Well obviously.
Ape: Just be happy he followed the rules of the draft. Woody Allen is a sound pick though.
Ufford: Everyone gives him a free pass because of Annie Hall and whatever he did 30 years ago. He sucks. And you can tell Leitch that, too.
Drew: Suddenly, Jack’s character loves Puccini operas and old typewriters
Maj: Bastards.
Drew: Punter selects Antarctica
Punte- Alfred Hitchcock
Hehe, “cock.”
Hitchcock smartened the genre of film and revolutionized the medium, plus he was able to scare the shit out of people in his day without resorting to excessive gore. But he knew how to create a scene and tell complex stories, which makes him the ideal candidate for telling this asshole’s tale.
Maj: Is his dick coming out of his stomach? it’s like the plague draft all over again!
Punte: No, it’s just super long.
Ufford: Charlie Kaufman
Because not only would the movie be about me, but it would be about the process of trying to make a movie about me, starring alternate realities of me, and the alternate realities of me are gonna be way more interesting than the real me. Then there’d be eels, and probably a chimpanzee. That’s a good movie right there.
Maj: I can’t wait for Ufford’s version of the Malkovich scene.
Ape- Stanley Kubrick
Not giving him much to work with, but he’ll make it haunting and psychological.
Ape- Paddy Chayefsky
My movie’s gonna be some well-written shit.
Drew: Ape in the newsroom: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!!!”
Maj: Maybe I should have insisted these people be alive. Oh well, Shakespeare’s still available!
Ufford- Michael Bay
You know what? Screw critical acclaim. I want my movie to be a fucking blockbuster. I want big-ass explosions. And I want Megan Fox to be the love interest.
/also pleased to annoy Maj
Punte: Rick Baker
My life is not scary, but with some werewolves and giant dogs and shit, it will be.
Maj- Wes Anderson
I want Kumar Pallana to be my man-servant.
Ape: Between Woody and Wes, every hipster in history will show up for KOGOD: The Movie
Drew: Wes Anderson and Woody? I wanna punch your life story in the face. Drew: Well they wouldn’t be able to work on the same movie together, so in essence I’m drafting three different visions of my life story. Ape: It would be nice for them to work together Cole Porter song Fin.
Ramones song
Benny Goodman song
John Lennon song
Cab Calloway song
David Bowie song
Maj: So very true. Drew selects John Irving and sets the entire movie at Exeter.
Flubby- David Mamet
You chintzy, two-bit cocksuckers.
Ape: Ha. Good pick. I was thinking about him solely for the excessive swearing.
Maj: Yeah, he’s one of two i was considering for my last pick.
Drew: Andrew Blake
Because if someone’s gonna film my life story, I want it to feature Dahlia Grey and Kyla Cole in rubber garter belts and tiptoe bondage stilettos.
Drew: Michael Mann
The man makes fucking great looking movies. Plus, I’d be depicted as a no-nonsense, high-level professional who drives speedboats to Cuba and bangs women as a kind of snack break.
Honorable mention to Leni Reifenstahl. And the director I’d least like to film my life story? Errol Morris.
“So, Mrs. Magary, how many times do you estimate your son masturbated a day?”
Ape: WAIT UNTIL THE DRAFT IS OVER FOR HONORABLE MENTIONS, FATTY.
Flubby: Martin Scorsese
For a hundred reasons but mainly because my life would benefit from a 1970′s cockrock soundtrack.
Punte: Can’t believe Marty fell that far
Maj: I’m just not enough of a badass to have Scorsese direct my life story.
Drew: Plus bad things happen to you at the end of a Scorsese movie.
Flubby: Bad things happen at the end of your life too.
Drew: NUH UH! I WILL NEVER DIE AND IF I DO I WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND SEE MY GRANDPA AND WE’LL HAVE COOKIES AND ALWAYS BE HAPPY.
Flubby: Maj got called into a meeting on short notice. He told me to tell you he picks the Wayans Bros.
Ape: Maj picks Diablo Cody for hipster sweep.
Maj: I hate hipsters.
Maj- Michael Chabon
Easily my favorite writer, and although his forays into the world of film have been a bit shaky, but not it hasn’t exactly been his fault. And yes, I’m aware that he’ll probably want to make my on-screen likeness gay.
Punte- Clint Eastwood
Ape: He’ll give you a charming zipperhead comedic foil
Ufford- Spike Jonze
Gondry’s [whom he'd previously floated as a possible pick] sweet, dreamlike style doesn’t really jibe with my life.
Ape- Robert Evans
Was I surprised Drew didn’t take him? Oh yeah. Will I take him now? You bet your ass. Is he gonna make the Tunison movie chock-full of big-tittied girls and car chases and other sensational shit that never happened to me? Honey, you can take it to the bank.
Drew: Baby, that’s a good pick!
Maj: He was my only honorable mention.
And that’s all for us. Pick your own writer/director/producer (or makeup guy!) in the comments. Wait ten picks in between selections or we make you watch Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor.
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I like the playing style of Gus. He thinks #out of# the box and surprises his opponent with garbage hands that twisted to gold – #at least# for him :-). I laugh each time I see the faces of his opponent when he shows them his cards.
M. Night Shymalan
Because a movie about my life should be as dissapointing as the real life itself.
Werner Herzog.
Who else to dissect a socially clumsy outcast with obsessive tendencies?
Steven Spielberg. I want my life to be epic and he’s the one to turn it into Oscar Gold.
The Farrelly Brothers – how are they still available? Kingpin is one of the funniest movies of the 90′s and they actually made Jim Carrey funny in Dumb and Dumber. If they can make him funny, they can work up a few laughs with my drab existence.
David Mackenzie. He’s a perv, but he’s quite good.
Jesus Franco. That way my life story would include lesbian vampires. You can’t enough vampire lesbians in your life.
I will take Kevin Costner. If anyone goes to the theatre to watch the story of my life, I want there to be atleast 5 separate instances that each person needs to piss during the movie.
Also, I would get the girl no matter how boring I am.
Peebles
/drunk
Christopher Guest. or Melvin Van Peeples. i get them confused all the time
doug liman. I would be in wise cracking buddy flick as a secret agent who didn’t remember who I really was.
Sorry, Deer. Raimi got yoinked awhile back. Even had Ash throwing down the boom-stick on them zombie motherfuckers.
My brother “Uncle Larry” wanted to contribute..
Dr Seuss. Because his dick is three sizes too small.
Wow I can’t believe he’s still on the board. I’ll take Sam Raimi.
I’m taking liberties here only because I know sooner or later 100 Bullets will end up on screen, so Brian Azzarello can handle the writing duties. As far as directing goes, FUCK YOU ALL AND FTW—John Frankenheimer, bitches!
wow, I must be a freak – my two favorites weren’t taken (I don’t think)
Whit Stillman (Barcelona, metropolitan)
Noah Baumbach – did no one see Kicking & Screaming? (not the one about kids soccer)
Andrei Tarkovsky. Might not make much logical sense but everything will be matchless. Bach can do the score.
(only picks him because Whedon was already gone)
Unfuckingbelievable. I read every dipshit comment to make sure Dino de Laurentiis is still on the board. Then, POW! Right in the kisser. Gino, you left “Dune” off your list, obviously by accident.
I pick Timur Bekmambetov.
Daywatch, bitches.
Dino De Laurentiis
Here’s a selected Greatest Hits: “Conan The Barbarian”, “Army of Darkness”, “Barbarella”, “Sepico”, “Deathwish”, “Maximum Overdrive” and “Blue Velvet”.
George Lucas. Just because I’ve always wanted a lightsaber. My love interest will be entirely CGI.
Rob Zombie. My life has been filled with brutal kill shots. Also, Sheri Moon could play my ex-wife. Sid Haig could play “Pops”.
“I’m the Devil and I’m here to do the Devil’s work”.
Yuen-Wu Ping
Motherfuckers, he did the fight scenes for every awesome movie ever. For shame, leaving him out here.
Burr Steers (to movie geek? I didn’t say ‘Fellini’. How ’bout Sidney Poitier – but not the “Fast Forward” Poitier, the “Ghost Dad” Poitier.)
JenP can have him as a director, I just want Joss to write it w/ Paul Thomas Anderson.
/breaks 4th wall
Cooper: “I’m clever”
Strangly hot chick: “I know, I’ve read the script…”
Fuck it, I’ll pick again. John Milius.
He directed “Conan The Barbarian” and “Red Dawn”. He also wrote “Apocalypse Now”, “Jeremiah Johnson” and “The Wind And The Lion”. He’d add a little action to the biopic of a guy who posts comments on a blog.
Akiro Kurosawa. He could make even my life into an epic.
John Huston was my second pick. Also a huge perv.
John Carpenter. He’s the only one who can capture the savage grace of the epic street fight I had with Rowdy Roddy Piper.
And no one took Curtis Hanson? If no one else wants it, I’ll fucking live in the world of L.A. Confidential, thank you very much.
First, I’d like to say that my Greenskeepers video from the other thread should give me Jonathan Demme for all the “Silence of the Lambs” footage.
Second, no one has taken Brian De Palma? The guy who did Scarface, Untouchables and Carlito’s Way? Are you fucking kidding me?
Yoink!
I’m sorry, but Requiem was the worst piece of shit I’ve ever seen. The whole thing with the Grandma was laugh out loud funny, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t how it was intended. It’s the most heavy-handed piece of trash this side of Traffic.
As for my pick, I’ll take Nancy Meyers, director of What Women Want, The Parent Trap, and Father of the Bride II. Now THAT’S somebody who knows how to make a subtle and sophisticated feature.
I would take Rob Weiss to write and direct my film.
Fell in love with his work ever since seeing “Amongst Friends” yrs ago. If you are a fan of Entourage, check this movie out. He uses many people in Entourage that were in Amongst Friends.
My 2nd choice is easily Bret Easton Ellis. I fucking love “The Rules of Attraction”…(“bring daddy back change….!!”
Since y’all have stopped picking, I’ll go ahead and take my next one. Larry Clark. Because I’m a perverted bastard.
Roger Corman. I always loved “Death Race 2000″. I was really disappointed when the year 2000 rolled around and none of that stuff actually happened.
fuck it since no one else has taken Federico Fellini, I will
When I look to summarize my life in 4 terms, they are; (1) The 1980s, (2) Stealing Cars, (3) Punk Rock, and (4) Alien Encounters.
Written and Directed by Alex Cox.
Bernardo Bertolucci. Just so I can get naked with Eva Green.
Since Kevin Smith is gone (low paying jobs and dick jokes). I’ll go with Joss Whedon (geek stuff and good dialogue).
fucking firefox search function, didn’t tell me Fincher was taken. I’ll take Rian Johnson, for Brick. That movie’s fucking incredible.
David Fincher. Benjamin Button aside, the man makes some brutal, badass and beautiful scenes. There will most certainly be a re-enactment of the picnic scene from Zodiac. Plus he’ll piss off all the actors by doing a hundred takes of every shot, creating the requisite mood of bitterness.
Note: Uwe Boll got taken before Jim Jarmusch… fuck that guy in his white head
Since Señor Spielbergo is taken, I’ll pick Homer Simpson. He really knows how to use a star wipe.
Oops, looks like John “Woo” got picked already by somebody who apparently knows how to spell his name correctly.
I guess John Wu is still available, so I’ll take him.
Casting Director…John Derek.
Ursula Andress, Linda Evans, Bo and who would he discover now? All I know is won’t be wasting a lot on wardrobe
Actually, fuck my previous picks. I’m going with John Thompson. (http://www.germangoogirls.com)
There won’t be any story or plot interests to speak of, but there will be several chicks getting absolutely showered in cum. And isn’t that what life is all about?
John Hughes. Because a generation that grew up in the 80′s will still be quoting me 20 years later.
Edward D Wood Jr. At least the movie will be worth a few giggles.
Sorry, nobody’s picking anymore and I’m impatient.
Roman Polanski.
Anyone have a good deal on a windowless van?
John McTiernan.
Die Hard and Predator might be the two greatest action movies ever made (if you discount Point Break) so I’d be heroic, wise-cracking, my sidekick would probably be a justice-seeking black fellow (I’d take Carl Weathers over Reginald VelJohnson), and I’d get to defeat both Germans and squid-like aliens.
Sofia Coppola. Wandering around in a strange country with a really hot chick, with My Bloody Valentine as the background music? That fits me, yes.
Louis C.K. to write it, imma sine your pitty on the runny kine.
Btw, I wanted to pick Woody Allen or Coppola, so I could be guaranteed to have hordes of fresh young jailbait in my movie, but you fuckers already picked those.
Brian G. Hutton
Jan de Bont. At least my movie will be full of visual spectacle, unlike my actual life.
Bret Easton Ellis
I will follow up my monologue about facial lotions with a coke binge and an uncomfortable threesome with heavy homosexual overtones. Plus, I’ve pointed to myself in the mirror while boning before.
I pick Robert Zemeckis… a steal at this point in the draft. My film will have cartoon characters interacting with humans, a DeLorean time machine, Crispin Glover will be in it, and Angelina Jolie will play my mother.
George P. Cosmatos… Val kilmer can play me as a modern day version of the coolest character in movie history.
I’m your Huckleberry…
Albert Brooks…that way desperate and lonely will be endearing to women….
want a hail of bullets?
HIRE SAM PECKINPAH
Trey Parker and Matt Stone with Danny Elfman attached to compose
My writer/producer is going to be JJ Abrams. Lots of metaphysical twisty shit.
I’ll take the recently deceased Harold Pinter. My life would be smart, clever, dark, and british.. with a few plot twists and awkward silences, much like my last sexual encounter…
Uwe Boll. Because it would take that big of a fuckup to capture the way I’ve fucked up my life.
David Lynch
Uhhhh…how did he not get picked yet? I want my life story to haunt you in your sleep and to also have Naomi Watts making out with a girl. Heineken?!? FUCK THAT SHIT!
Craig Brewer. First he showed us that it’s hard out here for a pimp in Hustle and Flow. Then he gave us a chained-up white trash Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan. Then he does my biopic. Game. Set. Match.
Clive Barker. Sweet! My life ends as I’m slowly ripped to pieces, dragged to the pits of Hell while speaking in tongues.
Actually that’s probably how my life will end.
No matter what I’m calling John Williams to do the score.
Takashi Miike – Because I’m a misunderstood serial killer with a lower jaw that unhinges just like Ichi. Not really true, but my life is exactly like the horrifying nightmares I had after seeing Ichi the Killer.
I pick Tony Scott. Those movies are visually awesome plus he makes the action scenes in my life (which are zero) look great.
Ron Howard’s still on the board? How’s that possible? Oh, right, because his movies suck donkey ass.
Fuck it, I’ll take him anyway. Boring ass movie, but it’ll probably get nominated. And I’ll be played by Tom Hanks. Or Clint Howard.
Peckinpah was a great pick there.
But, hey, John Huston is still available.
Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu. Because heavy drinking makes my life more of a circular narrative, and I speak mostly Spanish.
Kunio Kato as my writer…just so he can top his speech this year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hODxuEKHWc&feature=related
Sam Peckinpah, only because he was about the biggest pervert ever in Hollywood and I’d get to hang out with him as a “consultant” during production. Booze, broads, drugs and all around debauchery. Plus, he could rewrite my life as a badass western.
Frank Miller.
Because, like a newspaper, I’m black and white and red all over.
Sorry Ape I took Lucas a while back but we can be part of the same movie. You want to be a Jedi, Bounty Hunter, a smuggler, or a wookiee?