KSK Mock Draft: Crafting Our Own Biopic
For this week’s mock draft we’re selecting the man (or woman) we would want to put our life story on film. You can select any “behind the camera” type you’d like, with the exception of animators. That leaves you free to pick your favorite writers, directors, and/or producers who will in turn be responsible for crafting your very own biopic.
Draft order is as follows…
1. Drew
2. Flubby
3. KOGOD
4. Punte
5. Ufford
6. Ape
Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, anyone drafting Michael Bay will be blown up in a completely unnecessary explosion. Let the drafting commence.
I’m guessing they’d mock my character for the course of the entire film, and end with me being hatcheted to death. Oddly enough, I have no problem with any of that. So long as they keep the quality at Miller’s Crossing level, and not Hudsucker/Intolerable Cruelty level.
Maj: Don’t besmirch Hudsucker.
Flubby: No shit, that movie was great.
Ed. note: Nobody even bitched that Drew fucked up right off the bat by selecting both brothers. That guy plays by his own rules.
Flubby- Quentin Tarantino
Because in his movie my humdrum workaday existence would be just a cover for something completely badass. I’d probably be a vampire hit-man who always had oodles of snappy give and take for Punte’s podcasts — plus I would totally get to defenestrate whoever picks Woody Allen in this draft.
Maj: Woody Allen
As if I even had a choice. Defenstrate away, rube! Any movie based on my life wouldn’t be complete without a scene similar to the school scene from Annie Hall.
Ufford: Woody Allen is a fucking horrible pick.
Maj: Well obviously.
Ape: Just be happy he followed the rules of the draft. Woody Allen is a sound pick though.
Ufford: Everyone gives him a free pass because of Annie Hall and whatever he did 30 years ago. He sucks. And you can tell Leitch that, too.
Drew: Suddenly, Jack’s character loves Puccini operas and old typewriters
Maj: Bastards.
Drew: Punter selects Antarctica
Punte- Alfred Hitchcock
Hehe, “cock.”
Hitchcock smartened the genre of film and revolutionized the medium, plus he was able to scare the shit out of people in his day without resorting to excessive gore. But he knew how to create a scene and tell complex stories, which makes him the ideal candidate for telling this asshole’s tale.
Maj: Is his dick coming out of his stomach? it’s like the plague draft all over again!
Punte: No, it’s just super long.
Ufford: Charlie Kaufman
Because not only would the movie be about me, but it would be about the process of trying to make a movie about me, starring alternate realities of me, and the alternate realities of me are gonna be way more interesting than the real me. Then there’d be eels, and probably a chimpanzee. That’s a good movie right there.
Maj: I can’t wait for Ufford’s version of the Malkovich scene.
Ape- Stanley Kubrick
Not giving him much to work with, but he’ll make it haunting and psychological.
Ape- Paddy Chayefsky
My movie’s gonna be some well-written shit.
Drew: Ape in the newsroom: “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!!!”
Maj: Maybe I should have insisted these people be alive. Oh well, Shakespeare’s still available!
Ufford- Michael Bay
You know what? Screw critical acclaim. I want my movie to be a fucking blockbuster. I want big-ass explosions. And I want Megan Fox to be the love interest.
/also pleased to annoy Maj
Punte: Rick Baker
My life is not scary, but with some werewolves and giant dogs and shit, it will be.
Maj- Wes Anderson
I want Kumar Pallana to be my man-servant.
Ape: Between Woody and Wes, every hipster in history will show up for KOGOD: The Movie
Drew: Wes Anderson and Woody? I wanna punch your life story in the face. Drew: Well they wouldn’t be able to work on the same movie together, so in essence I’m drafting three different visions of my life story. Ape: It would be nice for them to work together Cole Porter song Fin.
Ramones song
Benny Goodman song
John Lennon song
Cab Calloway song
David Bowie song
Maj: So very true. Drew selects John Irving and sets the entire movie at Exeter.
Flubby- David Mamet
You chintzy, two-bit cocksuckers.
Ape: Ha. Good pick. I was thinking about him solely for the excessive swearing.
Maj: Yeah, he’s one of two i was considering for my last pick.
Drew: Andrew Blake
Because if someone’s gonna film my life story, I want it to feature Dahlia Grey and Kyla Cole in rubber garter belts and tiptoe bondage stilettos.
Drew: Michael Mann
The man makes fucking great looking movies. Plus, I’d be depicted as a no-nonsense, high-level professional who drives speedboats to Cuba and bangs women as a kind of snack break.
Honorable mention to Leni Reifenstahl. And the director I’d least like to film my life story? Errol Morris.
“So, Mrs. Magary, how many times do you estimate your son masturbated a day?”
Ape: WAIT UNTIL THE DRAFT IS OVER FOR HONORABLE MENTIONS, FATTY.
Flubby: Martin Scorsese
For a hundred reasons but mainly because my life would benefit from a 1970’s cockrock soundtrack.
Punte: Can’t believe Marty fell that far
Maj: I’m just not enough of a badass to have Scorsese direct my life story.
Drew: Plus bad things happen to you at the end of a Scorsese movie.
Flubby: Bad things happen at the end of your life too.
Drew: NUH UH! I WILL NEVER DIE AND IF I DO I WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND SEE MY GRANDPA AND WE’LL HAVE COOKIES AND ALWAYS BE HAPPY.
Flubby: Maj got called into a meeting on short notice. He told me to tell you he picks the Wayans Bros.
Ape: Maj picks Diablo Cody for hipster sweep.
Maj: I hate hipsters.
Maj- Michael Chabon
Easily my favorite writer, and although his forays into the world of film have been a bit shaky, but not it hasn’t exactly been his fault. And yes, I’m aware that he’ll probably want to make my on-screen likeness gay.
Punte- Clint Eastwood
Ape: He’ll give you a charming zipperhead comedic foil
Ufford- Spike Jonze
Gondry’s [whom he'd previously floated as a possible pick] sweet, dreamlike style doesn’t really jibe with my life.
Ape- Robert Evans
Was I surprised Drew didn’t take him? Oh yeah. Will I take him now? You bet your ass. Is he gonna make the Tunison movie chock-full of big-tittied girls and car chases and other sensational shit that never happened to me? Honey, you can take it to the bank.
Drew: Baby, that’s a good pick!
Maj: He was my only honorable mention.
And that’s all for us. Pick your own writer/director/producer (or makeup guy!) in the comments. Wait ten picks in between selections or we make you watch Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Sergio Leone
his “spaghetti” westerns kicked ass
February 27th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Give me Kevin Smith, any day. Dry, stupid humor, seem about right.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Spike Lee. My life would be turned into an awesome social struggle or some shit. Also Public Enemy could do the soundtrack.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Darren Aronofsky
Requiem for a Dream is one of my favorite movies. But, I think I would most be like the guy from Pi and I would like the movie about me to be in black and white, that makes it much cooler. It’s only a matter of time until I take a drill to my own head anyways.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I’d take Francis Ford Coppola along as he keeps his fucking daughter out of the film.
/GF III could have been a great film, but it was fucked from jump street
February 27th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Judd Apatow.
Because a movie of Freaks and Geeks wouldn’t be too far from the truth
February 27th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Chuck Palahniuk. He could probably make it more interesting than it really is. Luckily I never sat on the bottom of a pool to beat off over the pool vaccum. Fuck that was wrong….
February 27th, 2009 at 11:27 am
ill take oliver stone. my life is dull, might as well let someone take some poetic license.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:29 am
We can choose screenwriters too?! Looks like we’re going to have to exhume Samuel Beckett!
February 27th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Paul Rubin, Pee Wee Herman right?
February 27th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Bryan Singer. Yes, I’m pretending that that Superman piece of shit never happened. You’ll get a nice balance of good character moments and decent action/suspense. Downside: Kevin Spacey will play me. And I’m not bald.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am
P.T. Anderson. This bitch will be at least three hours long.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am
/on second thought, that might be a bad pick… I’m going to have to start doing a LOT of cocaine
February 27th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Aaron Sorkin because it’ll give me the opportunity to use big words that no one understands.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Elmore Leonard
Great characters in his books and he also wrote some good westerns (3:10 to Yuma)
February 27th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Mel Brooks. Fuck you guys if you don’t find his work funny. Plus, I’ll be allowed to be really racist and sexist in the movie, but it’ll be fine because it will be funny.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Tim Burton
I want a creepy claymation version of my life story that stoners will enjoy for years to come.
Also, if Requiem for a Dream is one of your favorite movies then you hate life. Sure its a well made movie, but its the most depressing piece of shit I’ve ever seen.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:38 am
John Ford
Dude’s got 4 fucking Oscars, he ought to be able to make my life entertaining.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Peter Jackson
February 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Dammit, lil’ wayne chrebet, you fucking stole my pick.
Ah well, gimme Sam Raimi, but under the condition that Bruce Campbell play me and that the people I interact with on a daily basis are replaced by zombies.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@potsnpans
Are we only allowed to have happy movies as our favorite movies. I don’t get the connection between your favorite movie and how much you hate your life, unless that movie is a german bestiality/bondage porn.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Brett Ratner, clearly.
But, only after Bryan Singer, Jonathan Demme, and many others had passed.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Jean Luc Godard
He’d cast my life as an out-of-work actor who is happy, well-fed, well-dressed, and surprisingly able to do all the things he wants on no income, including but not limited to: fucking rich and famous women, smoking piles of weed, never getting arrested for a single crime, and all the while having women and children adore me for it because of the sweet, playful smile that shows my inner beauty and freedom.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:44 am
zack snyder…there may be way too much slow motion, but ill look like a badass.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Alan Smithee
February 27th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Paul Verhoeven for the gratuitous nudity.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Frank Darabont. I’ve crawled through enough shit-smelling foulness the likes of which you could never imagine. But enough about my ex-girlfriends. (rimshot)
February 27th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Hmmm….
George Lucas. Cause I want to be a Jedi and have nerds fondle themselves over me for years to come.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Ivan Reitman
The guy produced Animal House and directed Stripes and Ghost Busters. Along with a lot of other shitty movies, but still I’ll take him.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Cinematographer: Gus Van Sant. If there’s one thing I want my life to be known for, it’s long tracking shots of me driving.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Kurosawa, who cares if I’m a white guy from the east coast going to school in the midwest? If only I could die like Toshiro Mifune in Throne of Blood that would be tits.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Michel Gondry. Because if he can’t make sitting behind a computer for eight hours a day cursing at the Track Changes feature look cool and seem meaningful, nobody can.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Vincent Gallo would be a great pick, also. Hello there, Chloe.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Chan Wook Park….if you haven’t seen Oldboy, then you don’t know what I’m talking about.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Russ Meyer
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm177834496/tt0059170
It’ll be campy as all get out, but there will be big racks as far as the camera can see.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:54 am
David Fincher
Fight Club was the shit
February 27th, 2009 at 11:54 am
steven spielberg. he’s steven fucking spielberg. you’ll cry, you’ll laugh, the movie will get an oscar. also, i consider animaniacs to be one of his best “projects.”
February 27th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Scorcese was a steal! If only so I can enter every room in slow motion, but to the Black Keys instead of the Rolling Stones or Cream. Shrewd, Flubby.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:55 am
John Singletary
I want my life to be all about poppin’ caps, twistin’ wigs back and smoking weed…LOTS OF WEED. While driving around in a six-deuce Caddillac hittin switches on them bitches.
OK, I’m spent and will spent the next 8 hours doing work.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Any writer/producer/director from Vivid Entertainment – my life as a pornstar – if I get to pick who’s doing my biopic, I also get to rewrite some mf’ing history…
February 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
1980’s James Cameron. Pre-Titanic ego days.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Christopher Guest
February 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
@SonOfDad: Kurosawa’s an awesome pick. The burning of the palace sequence in Ran is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Wong Kar Wai
I’ve always wanted a steamy romance with Maggie Cheung
February 27th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I’m going outside the box with my behind the camera pick and going with a musical score by the late, great Basil Poledouris. Not only is he a fellow Greek, but even my mundane-ass life would be tremendous if scored like Conan the Barbarian.
Now if only I knew that which was best in life…
February 27th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
No one else? Okay…..Steven Speilberg.
Because I’d like my movie to make hundreds of millions of dollars.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Fuck….forgot to refresh. My bad.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Akira Kurosawa – I get to go all Samurai on people.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Spielberg’s gone, J.L. You get the non-union Mexican equivalent.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I’ll take Adam McKay…..as long as Will Ferrell plays me.
/Spielbergo es no bueno.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Alan Smithee, b/c it will likely be an awful movie.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
@Christmas Ape….Robert Rodriguez?
February 27th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
damn, too late, taken
Cecil B deMille
Fuck – finally my life will be an epic tale
February 27th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Apparently Danny Boyle is still on the board, so I’ll grab him – he can take the turd of my mediocre existence and polish it up nicely enough that everyone will think it’s the most compelling life of the year. And if Trainspotting is any indication, he’ll give my life a badass soundtrack.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I meant Kurosawa was taken
fuck, maybe not so epic of a tale
February 27th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Conan O Brien. My tales will be full of puns, and ol’ time Irish bare knucle bouts. And Acne.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Christopher Nolan
February 27th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
M. Night Shyamalan – for the twist that’ll inevitably happen to me that I’ll never see coming
- General: Can you use your amazing idea-brain now to help us stop the terrorists?
- M. N. Shyamalan: What if… What if it turns out they aren’t terrorists but they are actually were-wolves from the future.
- General: No, no their terrorists, they have been linked to Al-Qaeda.
- M. N. Shyamalan: But what if Al-Qaeda turns out being the group terrorized, by aliens!
- General: No, no that is not an idea that’s a twist, we need ideas.
- M. N. Shyamalan: How about we make everyone think that terrorists attacked us, but really we were all already dead.
- General: (to Lieutenant) Get him out of here…
February 27th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Writer- Nicholas Pileggi (wrote Goodfellas and Casino), the way he utilized the word ‘fuck’ for Pesci’s dialogues makes it a great choice for my normal patterns of speech.
Honorable Mention- Paul Haggis, just for the pretentiousness he exudes
February 27th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Value pick: Frank Miller ftw.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
ok, i gotta get back to work. thank you guys. now i’ll spent the rest of my day trying to figure out what would happen if my picks of Aronofsky, Mel Brooks, Spielberg and Shyamalan all collaborated to make my biopic
February 27th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
@Sabbatini Pacifier: Please tell me as a writer. Have you seen the Spirit?
/shudder
February 27th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Larry David. Unfortunately, my life is a lot like Curb Your Enthusiasm with a lot less money.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Robert Altman
February 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
With my second pick, I’ll take Yoshiaki Kawajiri (director of Ninja Scroll). He’ll put in some wonderfully imaginative enemies for me to vanquish, and undoubtedly there will be a few sexy Japanese chicks and maybe even a passionate love scene or two (i.e. tentacle rape).
February 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Steven Soderbergh – Vegas, nice clothes, good looking chicks, fun
/what my life really should be
February 27th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Seijun Suzuki
Stylistic as a muthafucker.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@ stealofthedraft
Chloe wouldn’t be giving you the bj, that’s for sure.
My next and last pick is Uwe Boll, just because someone’s biopic has to be shitty.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Pick who you want, but none of them would ever film an entire movie in your mother’s basement.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Guy Ritchie; for some reason I think I’d sound more witty and clever with a British accent.
/my gun says Desert Eagle 0.5
February 27th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I’ll take whoever wrote and directed half baked.
/fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you, and I’m out!
February 27th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
John Patrick Shanley. screenwriting Oscar for Moonstruck and nominated for Doubt. He also made one of the great stoner movies of all time: Joe Vs. the Volcano. So yeah, him. Cause I want a literate and bizarre quality for my Catholic guilt.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Damn, late to the party.
I’ll take Baz Luhrmann. I want my death to be filmed beautifully.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Just to be THAT guy…Orson Welles. Cause he’ll have to star in it and it has a good shot 50 years later being called the greatest movie of all time. But it’ll be panned when it comes out.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Sticking with the theme of dead Greeks, I’ll go with Elia Kazan. He’d find a way to make me a flowed antihero yet still cast my character with an incredibly hot piece like Eva Marie Saint.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
You mean Raymond Chandler is still available this late? Suckers.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Jerry Bruckheimer
I’m pretty sure he produced every movie made in the 90s so at least I’ve got that going for me.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Upstate Underdog won this one with Sergio Leone right off. Every fucking movie he made was fantastic and the lead characters always kicked ass (the man without a name, John and Juan, etc.), which between those two what more could you ask out of your own movie.
I’ll take Bukowski for my pick. Even though he’s the star of beatnik douchebags who think they’re the first person to ever read him, I’d want to be portrayed as a alcoholic asshole who just drinks, fucks, and gambles.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Andrew Stanton to direct. I’m not listening to your “no animation” rules. You’re just supporting the Academy’s continual fucking over of animated movies. WALL-E = Best Movie Ever!
February 27th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Terry Gilliam. Like I said, bizarre and literare. And clearly, unmarketable. This sounds like my career and personal life.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
George Lucas
My movie will suck, but your kids will have a shitload of Christmas Ape action figures
February 27th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
David Simon. My biopic will actually be a thoroughly researched, impeccably crafted HBO series with an ever-expanding cast of characters that works in a post-war paradigm and examines the downfall of a society rife with self-interest and hubris and which, by the end, will expose the cruel farce that is the American Dream. Because I’m a Canadian Jew, you see.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I want Tom Stoppard to write the script.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Robert Rodriguez. I love his movies, and he was the first American director to bring naked Salma Hayek to the big screen. And he seems like a really cool guy to hang out with.
Even if he does have bad taste in women. I don’t care how hot Rose McGowan is, you DON’T bang a chick that used to bang Marilyn Manson. Some things never wash away.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
thanks Shinons
Ennio Morricone would compose the soundtrack for my biopic..
/plays “The Ecstasy of Gold”
February 27th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Satyajit Ray. He won a lifetime achievement from the Oscars in 1992. He was voted the 25th greatest director of all time.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006249/bio
February 27th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
George Romero…would keep the cost down and so my life will live on in art houses and late night drunken viewings for eternity(and the royalties wouldn’t hurt either)
February 27th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Ridley Scott
Remember that time I fought in World War II then came home just in time to wrestle a tiger to death? You will.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Damn, Mamet and Russ Meyer were great picks….
I’ll take Paul Schrader and Werner Herzog
February 27th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Hans Moleman for his film “Man Getting Hit by Football”, which features Moleman getting hit by a football in the groin.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
John Woo, bitches! Awesome slow motion action scenes, and don’t forget about the birds. My life is filled with birds, man.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
And to shoot my biopic: Roger Deakins. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005683/
So, writer: Shanley
Director: Gilliam
DP: Deakins
tidy little draft.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Guillermo Del Toro – Finally someone who can bring to life all the weird stuff I keep seeing that everyone tells me is “invisible”
February 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
David Byrne.
Yeah, yeah, I know. But, whether I like it or not, my life has been a LOT like “True Stories.”
/Punches self in cock
February 27th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Since Ape already took Robert Altman, I’ll have Pedro Almodovar as my director. I’m confident he can make northern VA look like Madrid, and he will be right at home with my crazy Mexican family.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I’ll take Mel Gibson.
Mel will take my lif story and transform it into a Christ-like warrior character who brutally kills Jews. Um….actually, perhaps I should take some creative control away from him.
(Ape: Lucas was already taken; sorry you didn’t get to the unoriginal bastard first.)
February 27th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Damn.
Since Godard is gone, I’ll take fellow Frenchie Francois Truffaut. At least his movies made sense.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Richard Linklater.
My life is perfect combination of A Scanner Darkly (paranoia, drug use), Waking Life (paranoia, drug use), Dazed and Confused (drug use), and Fast Food Nation (eating disorder).
February 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Neil LaBute can direct and script. No one else can better capture my smoldering misanthropic rage.
No really, when that guy ahead of me at the health club didn’t wipe down his treadmill afterwards, I was ticked!
February 27th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Sorry Ape I took Lucas a while back but we can be part of the same movie. You want to be a Jedi, Bounty Hunter, a smuggler, or a wookiee?
February 27th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Frank Miller.
Because, like a newspaper, I’m black and white and red all over.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Sam Peckinpah, only because he was about the biggest pervert ever in Hollywood and I’d get to hang out with him as a “consultant” during production. Booze, broads, drugs and all around debauchery. Plus, he could rewrite my life as a badass western.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Kunio Kato as my writer…just so he can top his speech this year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hODxuEKHWc&feature=related
February 27th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu. Because heavy drinking makes my life more of a circular narrative, and I speak mostly Spanish.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Peckinpah was a great pick there.
But, hey, John Huston is still available.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Ron Howard’s still on the board? How’s that possible? Oh, right, because his movies suck donkey ass.
Fuck it, I’ll take him anyway. Boring ass movie, but it’ll probably get nominated. And I’ll be played by Tom Hanks. Or Clint Howard.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I pick Tony Scott. Those movies are visually awesome plus he makes the action scenes in my life (which are zero) look great.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Takashi Miike – Because I’m a misunderstood serial killer with a lower jaw that unhinges just like Ichi. Not really true, but my life is exactly like the horrifying nightmares I had after seeing Ichi the Killer.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
No matter what I’m calling John Williams to do the score.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Clive Barker. Sweet! My life ends as I’m slowly ripped to pieces, dragged to the pits of Hell while speaking in tongues.
Actually that’s probably how my life will end.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Craig Brewer. First he showed us that it’s hard out here for a pimp in Hustle and Flow. Then he gave us a chained-up white trash Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan. Then he does my biopic. Game. Set. Match.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
David Lynch
Uhhhh…how did he not get picked yet? I want my life story to haunt you in your sleep and to also have Naomi Watts making out with a girl. Heineken?!? FUCK THAT SHIT!
February 27th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Uwe Boll. Because it would take that big of a fuckup to capture the way I’ve fucked up my life.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’ll take the recently deceased Harold Pinter. My life would be smart, clever, dark, and british.. with a few plot twists and awkward silences, much like my last sexual encounter…
February 27th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
My writer/producer is going to be JJ Abrams. Lots of metaphysical twisty shit.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Trey Parker and Matt Stone with Danny Elfman attached to compose
February 27th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
want a hail of bullets?
HIRE SAM PECKINPAH
February 27th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Albert Brooks…that way desperate and lonely will be endearing to women….
February 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
George P. Cosmatos… Val kilmer can play me as a modern day version of the coolest character in movie history.
I’m your Huckleberry…
February 27th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I pick Robert Zemeckis… a steal at this point in the draft. My film will have cartoon characters interacting with humans, a DeLorean time machine, Crispin Glover will be in it, and Angelina Jolie will play my mother.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Bret Easton Ellis
I will follow up my monologue about facial lotions with a coke binge and an uncomfortable threesome with heavy homosexual overtones. Plus, I’ve pointed to myself in the mirror while boning before.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Jan de Bont. At least my movie will be full of visual spectacle, unlike my actual life.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Brian G. Hutton
February 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Btw, I wanted to pick Woody Allen or Coppola, so I could be guaranteed to have hordes of fresh young jailbait in my movie, but you fuckers already picked those.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Louis C.K. to write it, imma sine your pitty on the runny kine.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Sofia Coppola. Wandering around in a strange country with a really hot chick, with My Bloody Valentine as the background music? That fits me, yes.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
John McTiernan.
Die Hard and Predator might be the two greatest action movies ever made (if you discount Point Break) so I’d be heroic, wise-cracking, my sidekick would probably be a justice-seeking black fellow (I’d take Carl Weathers over Reginald VelJohnson), and I’d get to defeat both Germans and squid-like aliens.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Roman Polanski.
Anyone have a good deal on a windowless van?
February 27th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Edward D Wood Jr. At least the movie will be worth a few giggles.
Sorry, nobody’s picking anymore and I’m impatient.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
John Hughes. Because a generation that grew up in the 80’s will still be quoting me 20 years later.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Actually, fuck my previous picks. I’m going with John Thompson. (http://www.germangoogirls.com)
There won’t be any story or plot interests to speak of, but there will be several chicks getting absolutely showered in cum. And isn’t that what life is all about?
February 27th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Casting Director…John Derek.
Ursula Andress, Linda Evans, Bo and who would he discover now? All I know is won’t be wasting a lot on wardrobe
February 27th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I guess John Wu is still available, so I’ll take him.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Oops, looks like John “Woo” got picked already by somebody who apparently knows how to spell his name correctly.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Since Señor Spielbergo is taken, I’ll pick Homer Simpson. He really knows how to use a star wipe.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Note: Uwe Boll got taken before Jim Jarmusch… fuck that guy in his white head
February 27th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
David Fincher. Benjamin Button aside, the man makes some brutal, badass and beautiful scenes. There will most certainly be a re-enactment of the picnic scene from Zodiac. Plus he’ll piss off all the actors by doing a hundred takes of every shot, creating the requisite mood of bitterness.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
fucking firefox search function, didn’t tell me Fincher was taken. I’ll take Rian Johnson, for Brick. That movie’s fucking incredible.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Since Kevin Smith is gone (low paying jobs and dick jokes). I’ll go with Joss Whedon (geek stuff and good dialogue).
February 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Bernardo Bertolucci. Just so I can get naked with Eva Green.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
When I look to summarize my life in 4 terms, they are; (1) The 1980s, (2) Stealing Cars, (3) Punk Rock, and (4) Alien Encounters.
Written and Directed by Alex Cox.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
fuck it since no one else has taken Federico Fellini, I will
February 27th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Roger Corman. I always loved “Death Race 2000″. I was really disappointed when the year 2000 rolled around and none of that stuff actually happened.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Since y’all have stopped picking, I’ll go ahead and take my next one. Larry Clark. Because I’m a perverted bastard.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I would take Rob Weiss to write and direct my film.
Fell in love with his work ever since seeing “Amongst Friends” yrs ago. If you are a fan of Entourage, check this movie out. He uses many people in Entourage that were in Amongst Friends.
My 2nd choice is easily Bret Easton Ellis. I fucking love “The Rules of Attraction”…(”bring daddy back change….!!”
February 27th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I’m sorry, but Requiem was the worst piece of shit I’ve ever seen. The whole thing with the Grandma was laugh out loud funny, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t how it was intended. It’s the most heavy-handed piece of trash this side of Traffic.
As for my pick, I’ll take Nancy Meyers, director of What Women Want, The Parent Trap, and Father of the Bride II. Now THAT’S somebody who knows how to make a subtle and sophisticated feature.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
First, I’d like to say that my Greenskeepers video from the other thread should give me Jonathan Demme for all the “Silence of the Lambs” footage.
Second, no one has taken Brian De Palma? The guy who did Scarface, Untouchables and Carlito’s Way? Are you fucking kidding me?
Yoink!
February 27th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
And no one took Curtis Hanson? If no one else wants it, I’ll fucking live in the world of L.A. Confidential, thank you very much.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
John Carpenter. He’s the only one who can capture the savage grace of the epic street fight I had with Rowdy Roddy Piper.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
John Huston was my second pick. Also a huge perv.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Akiro Kurosawa. He could make even my life into an epic.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Fuck it, I’ll pick again. John Milius.
He directed “Conan The Barbarian” and “Red Dawn”. He also wrote “Apocalypse Now”, “Jeremiah Johnson” and “The Wind And The Lion”. He’d add a little action to the biopic of a guy who posts comments on a blog.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Burr Steers (to movie geek? I didn’t say ‘Fellini’. How ’bout Sidney Poitier – but not the “Fast Forward” Poitier, the “Ghost Dad” Poitier.)
JenP can have him as a director, I just want Joss to write it w/ Paul Thomas Anderson.
/breaks 4th wall
Cooper: “I’m clever”
Strangly hot chick: “I know, I’ve read the script…”
February 27th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Yuen-Wu Ping
Motherfuckers, he did the fight scenes for every awesome movie ever. For shame, leaving him out here.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Rob Zombie. My life has been filled with brutal kill shots. Also, Sheri Moon could play my ex-wife. Sid Haig could play “Pops”.
“I’m the Devil and I’m here to do the Devil’s work”.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
George Lucas. Just because I’ve always wanted a lightsaber. My love interest will be entirely CGI.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Dino De Laurentiis
Here’s a selected Greatest Hits: “Conan The Barbarian”, “Army of Darkness”, “Barbarella”, “Sepico”, “Deathwish”, “Maximum Overdrive” and “Blue Velvet”.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Unfuckingbelievable. I read every dipshit comment to make sure Dino de Laurentiis is still on the board. Then, POW! Right in the kisser. Gino, you left “Dune” off your list, obviously by accident.
I pick Timur Bekmambetov.
Daywatch, bitches.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Andrei Tarkovsky. Might not make much logical sense but everything will be matchless. Bach can do the score.
(only picks him because Whedon was already gone)
February 27th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
wow, I must be a freak – my two favorites weren’t taken (I don’t think)
Whit Stillman (Barcelona, metropolitan)
Noah Baumbach – did no one see Kicking & Screaming? (not the one about kids soccer)
February 27th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I’m taking liberties here only because I know sooner or later 100 Bullets will end up on screen, so Brian Azzarello can handle the writing duties. As far as directing goes, FUCK YOU ALL AND FTW—John Frankenheimer, bitches!
February 28th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Wow I can’t believe he’s still on the board. I’ll take Sam Raimi.
February 28th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Sorry, Deer. Raimi got yoinked awhile back. Even had Ash throwing down the boom-stick on them zombie motherfuckers.
My brother “Uncle Larry” wanted to contribute..
Dr Seuss. Because his dick is three sizes too small.
February 28th, 2009 at 2:46 am
doug liman. I would be in wise cracking buddy flick as a secret agent who didn’t remember who I really was.
February 28th, 2009 at 2:58 am
Christopher Guest. or Melvin Van Peeples. i get them confused all the time
February 28th, 2009 at 2:59 am
Peebles
/drunk
February 28th, 2009 at 5:20 am
I will take Kevin Costner. If anyone goes to the theatre to watch the story of my life, I want there to be atleast 5 separate instances that each person needs to piss during the movie.
Also, I would get the girl no matter how boring I am.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Jesus Franco. That way my life story would include lesbian vampires. You can’t enough vampire lesbians in your life.
February 28th, 2009 at 9:17 am
David Mackenzie. He’s a perv, but he’s quite good.
February 28th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
The Farrelly Brothers – how are they still available? Kingpin is one of the funniest movies of the 90’s and they actually made Jim Carrey funny in Dumb and Dumber. If they can make him funny, they can work up a few laughs with my drab existence.
February 28th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Steven Spielberg. I want my life to be epic and he’s the one to turn it into Oscar Gold.
February 28th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Werner Herzog.
Who else to dissect a socially clumsy outcast with obsessive tendencies?
March 1st, 2009 at 2:20 am
M. Night Shymalan
Because a movie about my life should be as dissapointing as the real life itself.