KSK Football and Sex Advice Mailbag: Virgins, Daddy Issues, and the Cowboys
Before I get to this week’s hot batch of sexy mailjaculate, a very quick offseason KSK preview for you all. If you were new to the site this season, you might think KSK goes dark during the NFL offseason. Not so. As we say every year, while football season may over, DICK JOKE SEASON IS ALL YEAR ROUND. And I dare say we’ve never been better set up to handle the seven-month boreathon now set out in front of us. This offseason, you can look forward to:
-Weekly football/sex mailbags
-Weekly Peter King breakdowns
-Sexy Friday
-The return of KSK mock drafts
-More Ocho and Marvin
-More Wade & Jerry
-More Marmalard
-More FACK YOU!
-The return of KSK Off Topic. Have your towels ready.
-The return of KILL KILL KILL animal death porn videos
-And much, much more
So settle in, people. We’ve only just gotten started. Now, onto your questions…
Hey guys,
A few years ago a friend sent me an article from GQ that basically said dating a girl that loves sports seems like a great idea, but falls apart in practice. Sports are supposed to be an escape to another universe and bringing a girlfriend into the universe leads to disaster. The author gives some example about a friend who loved golf and started dating a girl he met on the golf course, only to have her ruin his Saturday golf outings with the guys because she always expected to be invited along.
So, have I ruined any chances at happiness because I know Ronde Barber from Marion Barber? Do I have to spend Sundays watching games with my friends, and not my boyfriend, in order to keep his universes from colliding? Will I blow my chance at dating a guy if I invite him to a Redskins game and show interest and insight, if I mention that I love football blogs and fantasy drafts?
I know this isn’t exactly a sex or football question, but you all seem pretty qualified to answer this so I’m hoping you’ll humor me.
Love you guys,
Jane_Hoya
MAJ SAYS: Dating a woman who loves sports can be a great thing, but playing golf with your significant other is pretty much the worst idea ever. Do you know why Woody Austin bashed his putter into his skull? Well it’s because his wife wouldn’t listen to a fucking thing he said.
DREW SAYS: I don’t think liking sports makes you any less appealing to men. I think the important thing is not to make sports one of the mandatory things you MUST enjoy together as a couple. That’s where GQ has it right. Girlfriends and wives are very big on sharing. They want to go to the movies with you. They want to go on weekend getaways with you. They want to hide in your desk at work and spy on you.
The biggest thing a woman wants from any man is his time. Sports are often an asylum for any guy to have a chance for straight guy time. So if you like sports, and he does too, you should still let him go to a friend’s house alone to watch games if he wants. Give him that option. Do that, and suddenly your love of sports is quite the asset.
KSK,
Football: No thinking about it, should Bawlmer take a cornerback or a receiver with their pick? Let’s get some proper reaction.
Sex: Lately, I’ve been reconnecting with the people I went to school with from 5-11 and getting some varied responses. Most of them have been cool, one has been flirting with me – this is pleasing, because she got hot since I last saw her (not surprising, she was like 12 then) – and has hinted toward wanting to get together and do stuff. She could very well just be talking about playing Parcheesi, but I’m a little wary about actually meeting her because she’s talked about having some SERIOUS daddy issues. It is most probably just my imagination, but I don’t know if I want to risk ending up being sold into sexual slavery in Bulgaria or something. Am I just being a pussy about this?
- A
Football: I’d say corner over receiver. First round receivers are often wasted picks. And who knows what very large knife wounds the Ravens’ D will have to fill after free agency.
Sex: You just being a pussy about this. So she has Daddy issues. Big fucking deal. The worst case scenario is that she is an absolute BEAST in the sack and a raving lunatic out of it. That’s still probably a far more interesting time than what you’ve got going on now.
Gentlemen,
Starting with the football question; As a Vikings fan (shit.), my 2 biggest issues are obviously 1.) Brad Childress being an asshat and 2.) Our utter lack of a QB (sorry T-Jack). In your semi-professional opinion – which one of these is the most pressing issue, and what is your ideal yet realistic solution to said problem?
And now for my more pressing inquiries:
As of about 4 months ago, I was re-released into the wild by my ex-girlfriend. And after a 4 month cold-streak, I’ve somehow managed to start seeing 2 different chicks. I started seeing them the same week, which has been a blast (Assuming I continue to keep each one ignorant of the other). Suitorette #1 is closer to my age, loves smoking pot (yessss!), and is probably a 7.5 or an 8. And she, thus far, has thouroughly enjoyed fooling around every chance we get. She has a great job, owns a house, etc…
Suitorette #2 is 5 years my junior – and absolutely gorgeous. Though I have no idea her stance on smoking (pot or cigarettes – 2 of my favorite past times). She’s fresh out of college and is looking for a job so in that area, not so stable. So #1 is the better choice on paper, but the attraction for #2 goes above and beyond. Do I try to make it work with both of them risking losing it all? Do I go with the better choice on paper? Or go w/ my gut (crotch) instincts and aim for the gorgeous younger, albeit possibly less stable choice? Thank you in advance for your slightly helpful, sarcastic responses.
Always a mediocre fan,
W
Football: As far as I’m concerned, the Vikings will never win a Super Bowl with Childress as head coach or T-Jack as the QB. I think T-Jack will certainly have competition in camp (perhaps from Booty and a veteran). But that still leaves Childress in charge. I doubt the team makes a move on him before the end of next year. But by then, I’m certain the Wilfs will be ready to cut bait with the state and announce plans to move the team in 2011. Join me, won’t you, as I cut my own heart out.
Sex: Do you have to make a choice now? Why not hold out as long as you can and see if it naturally shakes out? Otherwise, I’d suggest asking yourself which girl, regardless of looks, you enjoy spending more of your time with. If #2 is very hot but not terribly interesting, it may not be worth your while when you seem to genuinely enjoy #1’s company (are you sure she isn’t Jack Kogod?). Especially if you’ve already hooked it with #2 and have her ready to go in your spank bank.
In general, I advise against dating really younger women. If you’re sitting there trying to have a real adult conversation and she just wants to watch “13 Going On 30” for the 5th time, that’s gonna start to grate after a while.
Dear Homos;
My wife has offered me Anal Sex for Valentines Day, but the catch is I must take her to an estate sale the next day. Am I better off a) spending the money at the sale, or b) tell her no thanks, not go to the sale, and spend the money on a hooker for Anal Sex?
Also, should the Steelers look for some quality free agent linemen, or should they try to build a line for the future via the draft?
-Miles
Take the wifey anal and suck it up. It’s well worth the cheap thrill if even if itm eans having to sift through some corpse’s old garbage.
The Steelers have always built through the draft. No reason to stop now. It seems to work quite well.
KSK,
Has Jerry Jones entered the “Al Davis zone” of complete insanity?
Bill Simmons’ lawyer mandates you call it the “Tyson Zone”.
He’s getting up there and years and has certainly done his fair share of partying that would take a few years off his senility. I feel like he was on some heavy medication during the Parcells years and now he has gone off them and become… well, you know what he is.
I don’t think he’s senile. I think he’s just a crazy asshole. Let’s get to your sexy question:
Also, I started dating this girl a couple months ago and let me tell you, she is WAY out of my league. She also told me she was a virgin, which got me excited because I was still looking to pop my first cherry. So anyway, it only took a few weeks to get her to give it up, and I have now laminated her V card and given it a permanent place in my wallet. So anyway, even though she’s in her early 20s, she is still very conservative in bed. She likes being on top, but can’t really handle it when I roll over and get on top of her. I have been trying very hard to get her to transition into some doggy as well, but she always rebuffs my attempts with the classic “I want to face you…” How do I unleash her? I need me some doggy style, she has an amazing ass and I NEED to drill her from behind Jerry Jones style. Please help, I cannot waste this opportunity to get some top caliber sex with a girl way hotter than me.
-Snoop NoDoggystyle
The key is patience. The more you do it, the more she’ll grow interested in mixing things up. Get ready for some smoking hot reverse cowgirl action in 2039, my friend!
KSK,
My friends and I are having a competition to see who can attain an ethnic grand slam, that is who can bang a white, black, latina, and asian chick first. We’ve reached a point of dispute, since in laying out the ground rules, we neglected to account for multi-ethnic girls (i.e. I slept with a girl who was part black, part japanese). With nowhere else to turn, we naturally thought to ask the sages at KSK. Should she count as 2 categories or should she be like a wild card to fit into either one?
Also, is there any chance that the Cowboys stop shitting the bed in December as long as Romo is the QB?
-SM
I say a wild card. Otherwise, you could attain the slam simply by nailing Tiger Woods’ kid.
And yes, the Cowboys can thrive with Romo at QB. But not with Wade at coach.
To those who can only drop knowledge, but unfortunately not pants,
I’ll make it simple. No girl has ever made me ejaculate via oral sex. Is it me? How can I change that? They are eager, but their jaws fail before anything worthwhile occurs.
Have you tried asking a guy to do it instead? HEY-O!!!
Fantasy: Each year I try to pick an all-Dallas Cowboys team for fun and some bench warmer scrubs for the bye-week. Last year, this did not work out since all the Cowboys players left within the first 2 or 3 rounds. Will I have better luck this year? *Note* I made it to third place last year with my all-Cowboys squad.
Cheers,
Mr. Endurance
Third place isn’t winning your league now, is it? If you’re gonna do a homer fantasy squad for fun, join an extra league and have an objective team if you really want to win.
As for the blowjob question, it could be that oral just doesn’t do it for you. I don’t think that’s a crime. Better to have your lady conserve her energy for stuff you like than to make her feel like she just tried to eat a fire hydrant.
KSK Goons,
Clearly the Cowboys are in a more compromising position than Paris Hilton sucking on that guy’s dick holding the camera. Is there any hope of coming out of this draft with anything of value, or did Roy Williams end Dallas’ 2009 draft hopes?
There’s always a chance a late round pick will have a surprise impact. But face it. The only way the Cowboys will improve is if the assholes currently populating their roster manage to get their shit together. That won’t happen under Wade Phillips. I have no clue why Jerry Jones is wasting an entire season trying to make it work.
Also, the other day I had a threesome with one hot piece of ass, and one…er…not piece of ass. I naturally spent most of my efforts with the hot (whom I’d had some solo encounters with, but never sex). The not (whom I know better, but never bedded) noticed and called me out on it the next day. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I told her it must have been her imagination and that I liked them both equally. She now wants to hook up sans our hot friend (she also seems to assume more threesomes in the future). How do I tell her I’d rather motor boat T.O.’s abs in his driveway than have more sex with her?
-Displaced Cowboys fan
I think you should just probably come clean. Or never talk to her again. Actually, never talk to her again. That’s the kind and noble thing to do.
Morning Gentlemen,
I hope I’m not to late to get this up in the mailbag. The sex question I have relates to timing as well. I’ve recently begun taking an anti-anxiety medication that has made it possible to actually get my sorry ass off the couch at parties and talk to girls, which has led to the desired result, that of a long-term hookup situation with a delightful young lady for the past several weeks. The only problem is that a side effect of the anti-anxiety pills is delayed orgasm. I know that this is far better than the alternative, but still, having to commit to a solid 45 minutes of fucking every time is sometimes trying, and I’m beginning to suspect the ladyfriend might occasionally be interested in things being a bit shorter. Without looking this gift horse in the mouth too much, should I explain to her the medication situation, or since this is highly casual, just start pumping away like a banshee instead to speed things along?
I’d just explain the problem to her. You seem to like her, even if it is casual. And I think she’ll probably appreciate the sharing. And if she blanches, well shit, you’re already on Zoloft and have been robbed of all emotional capacity. Her leaving won’t bother you a lick.
Football: My own fantasy draft situation is hopeless no matter what, so I’ll ask about the Lions instead! Anything that we do in the draft this year terrifies me. Trading down, picking a QB, building up the line, all the things that normally happen with a number one pick all seem doomed to failure, as the stench from the scat job that Millen pulled still lingers around Ford Field. Is there any reason to believe in, or any possible draft outcome that could result in, the possibility of winning a game next year?
Cheers,
Larry
You will win at least one game next year. I guarantee it. I think with Scwartz on board, you have reason to be optimistic for the next couple years. And even if he fails, it won’t matter. You live in Detroit, so chances are two years from now you’ll be living in a hovel next to an abandoned railroad track. Watching football will be the least of your concerns.
Howdy Gay Mafia,
I have a dilemma on my hands. In my jiu-jitsu class I am, without fail, always paired with a woman when it comes to sparring (I’m the smallest guy at 150 lbs.) and this is a problem. I’m not saying that they can’t keep up, in fact they sub me quite often. However, at some point one of them will always rub her ass against my crotch in some way that gets me to pop a huge boner. Now I ‘ve tried jerkin it at varying time periods before the class (1 hour, 2 hours, 3hours, etc.) but it never stops little me from saying hi in a big way. So my question is this: what can I do to keep the little guy down next time?
Nothing. That’s biology. Use it to your advantage and sneak in the occasional boner eye gouge to get your opponent down. She’ll know your horny, but that you mean BUSINESS. Fighting legend Pat Miletich was famed in Iowa for his aggressive dry hump maneuvers.
Football: I live in Richmond Virginia (Drew’s favorite city in America am I right?) and at the sports bar last weekend a horde of bandwagon steelers fans were being generally annoying in a typical bandwagon fashion. Is there a general line (mason-dixon like) where it’s okay to murder these assholes?
Sincerely,
First-National-Dank
My friend, it’s only gonna get worse. Haven’t you heard? The Steelers are the new Patriots.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, black belt boner, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Unsilent Majority
February 5th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
An estate sale? Not exactly a tennis bracelet, but to each her own I guess.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
The Steelers are the new Patriots? FACK! Those Yinzah asshats ah nawt fit to carry Tawmmy Brady’s er, uh, jahkstrap. NO ONE DENIES THIS! But seriously, if someone could drop a nuclear device between Pittsburgh and Boston, that’d be fine…just fine.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Anal sex in exchange for going to a fancy garage sale? Seems like an easy call. My parents go garage sale-ing all the time, and I guarantee you my dad isn’t getting any anal out of it.
At least I hope not. Ew.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
The dude on the anit-anxiety medicine should quit that shit immediatly and purchase as much pot as possible. It wroks for Ricky doesn’t it?
No it doesn’t really work for him does it.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Good rule of thumb on dating younger women
Cut your age in half and add seven. If her age is less than that number stay away from her.
example: your age 30 (30/2 = 15 + 7 = 22) If she is younger than 22 don’t bother with her.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
45 minutes every time? I need to work on getting some of those anti-anxiety drugs. Or should I? OMG, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
February 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
That’s all well and good UU, but what if she’s on Train A that leaves the station at 12:23? What then??!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
@MILES I hope you’re just showing off with that no-brainer of a question. In my marriage, my weekends are either spent shopping or at the in-laws. An estate sale is like both of those rolled into one, with one major difference. You will be smiling the whole time because you just had anal the night before!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Re: the Grand Slam. Me and my friends call it the rainbow (black-brown-red-yellow-white). Red means a Native American, which is obviously a rarity (got to cross this one off the list in Brazil thanks to some Amazonian tribe we visited while staying at an eco-park in the rain forest), so a lot of my friends bitch that “A girl is like 2% Cherokee” or some shit like that. The rule we came up with is you get to choose one category that the chick fulfills, provided that her heritage is at least 25% comprised of such category – our rationale was you had to be able to say that the equivalent of at least one grandparent was 100% of the category. So there you go – confirm the chick is at least a quarter of whatever, then pick one (and only one!) category for her to fulfill…
February 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Don’t make fun… the “Divide by 2 and add 7″ Rule is a tried and true.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
W – go with the smoker maaaaaaannnnnn!
As for the three-some complainer. I’d nail a mediocre chick in order to have a three-some with a hottie any day of the fucking week as long as she isn’t anything like the “huge” steeler fan that gets pictured on here from time to time!
The karate kid boner move was an excellent call!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@ Katni: Is the train heading east or west? Which way is the wind blowing and how hard?
February 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Mr. Endurance- as long as you A) enjoy it as foreplay, and B) assure the chick that it’s not her technique that’s the issue (unless it IS her technique, which is a whole ‘nother problem), I’m sure they’ll still be eager to spit-shine your trailer hitch for a few minutes before you get down to business. Not that uncommon, from the data I’ve gathered. I’d say 50/50.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
@UU – Thanks man, I have to shoot myself now.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
So Cowboy fans are more sexually frustrated than any other group. I could’ve guessed that.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
And, I am absolutely referring to any and all sexual activity as “gathering data” going forward.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
The anti-depressant forever boner sucks. I actually considered faking an orgasm, then remembered I’m married and just said, ‘you know what, I think we’re done now. Night.’
February 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
To the endurance man — just a thought — try letting her come first. That should get you further along toward your goal, and maybe she’ll be a little more patient.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Katni – but what about bad technique? I could never figure out how to bring that up early on. Some girls think they are artists when they are really just some jackass throwing paint against a canvas….
February 5th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Anti-depressant boner question – does it happen each time you take a pill? Or does the medicine have to be in your system for a while for that to happen?
February 5th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@miamidiesel: I’m guessing that fucking the natives whilst on an eco-tour pretty much violates all the principles of going on an eco-tour in the first place. The jungle floor is probably littered with your Clif bar wrappers, too.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Miles has to take it in the ass and then attend an estate sale? I’m not seeing an upside here. I’d better read that one again.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
The Steelers are the new Patriots.
A little part of me died inside after reading that. Then I remembered Ben to 10 and felt better.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@HOC: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had that complaint.
*ahem*
Moving right along….. I would go with the same line that I use when I’m receiving bad technique: she’s bound to hit the sweet spot at SOME point while she’s down there. When she does, or when she’s at a pace that’s really doing it for you, enthusiastically and emphatically throw out an “I really like that”. Unless she’s retarded, she’ll pick up on it. If she still sucks, well, don’t know what to tell you about that.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
HoC, it was pretty much immediate for me with Lexapro. Wellbutrin didn’t have that side effect, but made me suddenly explode in hives one evening after about a month into the cycle. I ditched the pills and went back to moderate depression and medicating with Old Forester.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Slothrop – hmmm….looks like i have some research to do. I have some pills for flying and I might need many more of them if this works with my meds…
February 5th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Jane: Make a guy comfortable that you’re there to enjoy the game and not to be hanging onto his every word.
A: Ravens take a CB or LB. And go nail the hot chick — but change your locks first.
W: Drop #2 and stick with #1. Sounds like you made your choice, but are hung up on a great ass.
Miles: Spending the money on the hooker = likely more expensive than what you’ll spend at the sale PLUS potential for STD.
Snoop: Try teasing and grabbing her while you’re both standing up (kiss neck, etc). Make her comfortable with herself and you and she’ll slowly bend down.
SM: Mixed ethnicities = Wild card. Now 2 girls of mixed ethnicities at same time = Inside the Park Homer
Displaced: get her placed doggystyle while she’s going down on the hot one. You service one and enjoy the sight of the other one.
Larry: tell her. If she’s cool, she’ll understand.
FND: Be glad you’re rubbing against hot, sweaty chicks and aren’t some big guy (and forced to grapple some 6′7” dude!)
February 5th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Wait, there are women who come without Daddy issues?
February 5th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Rainbow guy and Grand slam guy,
I have a buddy who claims to have created more unrest in the middle east that Father and Son Bush. In the past 2 years, he’s hooked up with 3 persians, two iraqi’s, a gal from yemen, 2 girls on his trip to Israel and a turkish girl.
We keep wondering if they scream “Allah be-praised!” during sex as opposed to “oh god” – but he’s the kiss and never tell type and won’t share the details
February 5th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
But seriously, if someone could drop a nuclear device between Pittsburgh and Boston, that’d be fine…just fine.
Sooooo, in New York?
February 5th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@katni
so you’re saying you smoke a lot of pole?
@zoloft guy
if you took the anxiety pills to stop being a pussy, talk to girls, and get laid you have achieved that. now that you got a girl that doesn’t mind you sweating all over her for 45 minutes, why not stop taking the meds? its seems like THEY are the ones stressing you and your boner out now. HA!
@estate sale
are you kidding me? really?
@GQ article worrier
a guys time will be manipulated by women whether they share an interest in sports or not. we don’t like it, but its going to happen. so whatever your dude/prospective dude gets his kicks doing, you have to give him space from time to time whether you share this fandom or not. …also, girls are allowed to play golf?
@virgin fucker
start with some side fucking whilst cuddling and parlay it into to an ass-slapping, bucking bronco good time. and cosmo says she’ll enjoy the varied stimulation.
@3-some complainer
get after both of them cowboy. if you pay more attention to the so-so girl, the hot girl will get all jealous and want you to herself. BINGO. you got a hot bitch who wants to prove her shit to you…
@cowboys fans
get.fucked.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
A
HIT THAT SHIT. In my experience, most women with parent issues will do all kinds of submissive, slutty things for you and enjoy it. Which is awesome. Unless you’re gay.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
First-National-Dank : Why aren’t you dry-humping the shit out of your female opponents when you pop a boner? I used to do Aikido and there was one cute petite girl in the group who ofcourse had tremendous trouble throwing guys around who were twice her size and weight.
Taking pity on her, I’d practice with her and would just basically throw myself whenever she needed to perform a throw. One time, such a throw kind of backfired, and it landed with us in a classical spoon, at which point I obviously got a boner. I looked at her, shrugged, gave her a “hey, I can’t help it, you’re hot” excuse, and got my brains fucked out by her for the next several weeks.
I fail to see what the problem is. Unless your female ju-jitsu’ists are all raging east-german-coalmine-working-bulldikes.
Larry : What’s the big deal with having sex without having an orgasm? Fuck until you’re both tired, rest awhile, two hours later, fuck again. The pent up sexual energy from the first encounter where you didn’t get off will come out eventually. Also, if one medication is messing with your performance, tell your doctor to switch you to something else.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
@UU You are a goddamned pussy. As long as she’s legal it’s all good. The key is realizing that younger girls have awful self esteem issues, and you aren’t helping if you try to be nice or gentle or not evil. If all you want is hot sex, younger women are awesome. Older women too, but you can be nice.
Ethnic “grand slam?” I always heard it called the ethnic “Neopolitan,” (black, white, asian/latina/Amerindian) as opposed to the normal Neopolitan (redhead, blonde, brunette/hazel/ravenhead). Plus, for it to count, you had to do all three in seven days (or eight if you fit a Holiday on like the Labor Day or Memorial Day). I did the normal Neopolitan exactly once and it involved an old girlfriend, a long time FWB, and a random – pure luck.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Good rule of thumb on dating younger women
Cut your age in half and add seven.
@ UU
Now I know what that rule never worked well for me, I always forgot to add the 7!
February 5th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
at Displaced Cowboys fan, “Any time you turn down sex, you are cheating on yourself!”
Suck it up and do the less than hot one, how can you lose? Have a couple of drinks before hand if that helps.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Jane – Date a guy that’s not super into sports.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
at snoop, one glass of wine will get her to relax a little in the sack
February 5th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Oh I almost forgot. If your big dillema is choosiing between an incredibly hot chick and a cool stoner broad, I cordially invite you to go fuck yourself. Stability? Are you trying to get laid or buy a fucking house?
February 5th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
shockingly coherent and sincere advice this week, drew.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I don’t understand why everyone thinks it’s so hard to get your bitch to give up the anal.
Just do what I do: gift wrap a carton of Camel Lights, and trade with his cell-mate.
Dinner in the cafeteria afterwords can be awkward, but still…
February 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Dear KSK,
I really, really want to have anal sex with this box of Sundried Tomato Basil Wheat Thins. They’re so good. So crispy. So saturated with salt and basil powder.
But they’re shy. Any advice?
February 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
bk: That’s what I was thinking. This week’s advice was remarkably sensitive and thoughtful. When did you get so gay, Drew?!
W: I can’t believe this is what I’m hung up on, but why don’t you know how Girl 2 feels about smoking? Did she have some sort of tragic nose accident? If you smoke more than one or two cigs a day, she can probably smell smoke on you. So just light up in front of her. If she asks you to go outside, there’s your answer.
Miles: Just take the anal and be happy with it, you braggart.
Snoop: She was a virgin, but she doesn’t like mish AND she likes to be on top? Boy, she really jumped in with both feet. In my [redacted] years of sex-having, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been on top. I HATE it.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
@bk
i meant to comment on that myself. are you going soft on us BDD???
February 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Jane,
Your love of football will not scare all men away. I dated a girl who loves the NFL, and every Sunday it was football from 12 pm to 11 pm. It was awsome!
I would not let her golf with me though, that was my get away time.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I had a similar thought about the cowgirl action, Clare. I don’t hate it, but it’s definitely not in my fave five, and I sure as shit didn’t know wtf I was doing when I still had my sexual training wheels on.
You absolutely sure she was a virgin, Snoop?
February 5th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
@Katni: actually I was there on some BS trip called the ‘International Mission on Diplomacy’ set up by a school honor society I belonged to – I had the post of Sexual Ambassador. And Clif Bars? Psssht. For me its NutriGrain or GTFO
@ryno: awesome – I think that one’s called The Crusade.
@LLL: the hair color one is questionable given the ease with which girls can change hair color. The ‘ethnic’ Neopolitan isn’t nearly inclusive enough for our modern times. But I’m intrigued by your idea of completing the whole thing in one week…
February 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
A cool, interesting 8 is right in the sweet spot. Point in question – you’re imtimidated enough by the 10 to not broach the dope smoking topic? Nobody is good looking enough to make up for being uninteresting and uptight, and if that wasn’t the case here, you wouldn’t be asking the question.
Plus, nobody stays a 10.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
@miamidiesel: Is that somehow affiliated with the Human Fund?
February 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I can’t believe how much shit some of these guys will go through for a bit of anal (er… does that need a rephrase?) I mean, open your eyes dudes, do you think she would offer to do it if she didn’t enjoy it from time to time? So basically your paying her (albeit often with favours) to do something she wants to do anyway…
MORONS!
February 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
@Katni: someone had to pay for the trip down there. And it was definitely Festivus… in my pants!
/puts hand up for high-five
//looks around
///slowly puts hand down and slinks away
February 5th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@ Sanchez
You, my friend, are obviously not married…
February 5th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Mr. Endurance..only about 20 % of women actually know how to bring a guy off with their mouth. It’s a trick that most hookers know which involves movement and rhythm that takes about 5 minutes to learn . You won’t learn it watching porn.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@Katni & Clare: I felt awkward on top when I was first starting out, but reverse cowgirl is definitely doing it for me these days.
Maybe the girl in question has serious control issues and doesn’t like to feel like the more passive of the partners. If so, she’s never going to go for doggy unless it involves the guy sitting while she does the work, instead of her on her hands and knees. So, there you go, try it that way, dude.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@Clare, every woman I know who loves cowgirl wants to control the action, specifically exactly how many leagues are going into the sea (and how quickly). Doggystyle is the exact opposite. Babygirl is just staring at the wall (if her eyes are even open) just taking whatever Daddy decides to give. Mish sorta splits the difference.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@BJ opinion offerers
would you rather have a girl who is awesome at giving head, but always kinda wonder how she got so good at it
or
would you rather have someone who is not very good, but with the possibility of showing them the ropes?
February 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@threesome boy, Just get Justin Long to be her friend and tell her that you’re just not that into her.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
BTW, BJ Guy, women who want to get their men off before lockjaw sets in usually use their mouth and their hands on the shaft. The added pressure and stimulation helps. Maybe your girl could try that if she hasn’t already.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Shit. Steelers are the new Patriots? Ouch.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
swing4 and LuckyLikeLittle: Ah, I guess you have a point there. I prefer mish and being on all fours because I am a) submissive and b) really, really lazy.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@teebubba, get that shit stamped and notarized. I can’t explain it in words but I’ve learned over time how to give pointers without being a huge dick about it because it’s such a necessary skill.
@fletch lives, that being said, it all depends on whether you can show her the ropes without being such an ass she never blows you again. and if it’s not a long term thing, I really don’t care where she picked it up
February 5th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Why ask the question guys in the gay mafia how to get anal sex? Just become a Cowboys fan. They’ve been fucking their fans in the ass since 1995.
Dallas since 1995 – 0 playoff wins
Oakland since 1995 – 4 playoff wins and a SB appearance.
And to the guy with the 3some problem, just tell her “it’s you, not her” and if she’s got an IQ higher than a turnip, she’ll figure it out. Or tell her your cock don’t work on the “fugly bitch” setting.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I got advice! It was good! ’tis a glorious day.
@ Reggie’s Pimp – All she knows about me so far is that I’m a student in London, I think I’m fairly safe in case she does turn out to be a nutter. And the consensus seems to be corner. Any takers for the idea that we trade up for Malcolm Jenkins out of OSU?
@ Cannibal Harrison – See, this is the same sort of thing I’ve been hearing from friends, but realistically what are the odds that it’s going to be true? I can’t see it being very high.
@ Dallas fans – die.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
“she is WAY out of my league. She also told me she was a virgin”
She’s not that hot if she eclipsed her 21st birthday still a virgin. If she’s way out of his league, that makes him a piece of crap.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I golf with my boyfriend all summer and he loves it. But then again, how many guys get blow jobs from their golf buddies after 18 holes?
February 5th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Brady Quinn.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
A,
If you hook up with a woman with daddy issues it will likely be the most tragic mistake you will ever make. My advice is to run like you owe her money.
Displaced Cowboys Fan,
The “hot” piece will most likely never go solo with you without major issues in the future so you may as well write her off. Miss Fugly will no doubt do *anything* to make you happy, so the question is how important hot 3-way action is to you. She sounds like a chimp-in-a-leotard and someday she’s gonna want you all to her she-beasty self. You might want to think about that.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
RE “How do I unleash her? I need me some doggy style, she has an amazing ass and I NEED to drill her from behind Jerry Jones style.”
You might start by never, ever referring to it that way ever again (Jerry Jones style). Jesus.
If you haven’t already, just say, “You have an amazing ass and I’d love to stare at it while I do you.” Or words to that effect. I wouldn’t recommend using the word “drill.”
February 5th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
GoSlash, explain please.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Peter King still columns during the offseason?
…WHY?
February 5th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Daddy issue girls are the best. You can be the most mean, disgusting asshole on planet earth (read: verbal abuse only) and she will still defend you to every girlfriend imaginable in fear of losing you just like she lost her father to alcoholism, hotter mother, general assholery, etc etc etc. The only hangup is the constant attention that is needed to keep her somewhat normal when out of the bed. A few winks and complements about her clothing choice for the evening should do the trick.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
i used to be on zoloft,and that delay shit is no joked. thats why reverse cowgirl is awesome for people that suffer the zoloft sexual add.you lay down and let them fuck you,and they cant see your face to know that you are watching TV.and you can stick the occasional finger in the ass in reverse cowgirl.win.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
*joke,*sexual a.d.d.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
For Mr Endurance. I also suffered from the no BJ ejaculate issue for a very long time, including 10 years of a marriage. It got to the point where it became a mental roadblock and I basically wrote off that it wouldn’t happen. My first girlfriend after the marriage proved me incorrect and the result was fucking amazing. I have since never had any issues with it. I think the key is to just relax and not think about during the act.
I am also, one Asian girl away from hitting for the cycle.
Dated a girl with daddy issues. Sex was fantastic until I moved in with her. Not fun to come home and find all of your wordly belongings rifled through and strewn about the house.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
i had the blowjob issue at one point,but realized it was because of the extreme amounts of cocaine i used to do.now it doesnt take to much mouth for me to pop off…..
February 5th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
A.J. Says,
Expand on which point? I’ve been there, so I’ve got plenty of material.
February 5th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
@AJ:
- Crazy don’t know the meaning of the term “international borders.” Hell, crazy is a bit fuzzy on the exact meaning of “Get away from me, you psycho bitch.” But if there’s one thing crazy does well is to make your little general think every day is the 4th of July.
- The smart money should be on a CB like Jenkins. That said, if Suggs and/or Ray-Ray take the money and run, you could see the Ravens look at an Aaron Curry or a James Laurinaitis. Plus, your boys are notorious for drafting talent and depth over need.
February 5th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
45-minute guy – My whole life I have been a “long-time fucker.” When I was younger I would brag about it like a moron, but now that I am older and engaged, I realize it sucks (for both me and the fiance). Here’s what you do: find whatever position will help her finish fastest. Whenever she orgasms, switch to whatever position will help you pump super-fast and therefore finish faster. It works like a charm. Me and the fiance cut down our sex-time by like 20 minutes and we both go to bed happy.
BJJ guy – How the hell do you get a boner? When I trained jiu-jitsu, there was a hot asian chick. I would roll with her and never got a boner, even when in her guard aka missionary.
FMRA – I want to french-kiss you for pointing out sundried-tomato basil wheat-thins. Those things are like crack.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
@miamidiesel There has to be a time limit, else Neopolitan is kinda pointless, unless you live in Iceland or rural Idaho or some other place where everyone looks the same.
@yeah, right – Most every guy I know is “one asian girl away.” One guy just said “fuck it” and flew to Hong Kong for a nice weekend with high priced hookers.
@clare – /grins
February 6th, 2009 at 12:14 am
To Jane: from one foxy football loving lady to another: get the fuck out of the house on Monday nights. Seriously. You can watch whatever game with your boyfriend on Sunday (I pick the night game, but not because of John Madden’s godawful intelligence.), but Monday night is reserved for man time, beer drinking, and ball scratching in womanless solitude.
Seriously, why is this so hard to figure out for women? I’m still in college yet I’ve figured out the man laws of football.
February 6th, 2009 at 12:20 am
@Lucky Like
He had to fly all the way to the other side of the world to find an asian hooker?
February 6th, 2009 at 1:34 am
@Lucky Like Little: Sometimes it takes the most obvious of answers to make the most sense.
/books ticket to Hong Kong
February 6th, 2009 at 1:48 am
uh, ever fucking notice how every guy that writes in has a dilemma involving a chick who is an 8 or 9? seriously, everyone start being fucking honest with themselves.
February 6th, 2009 at 2:00 am
shes not too young unless her age is less than the legal age of consent. by the way, i should probably let you all know about a little something called “megans law”…
February 6th, 2009 at 3:31 am
So is that #47 in the “save a virgin” t-shirt in the pic at the top of the thread?
@Jigga — “She’s not that hot if she eclipsed her 21st birthday still a virgin.” Ummm, my experience has been different. I’ve been with two virgins who would be at least 8.5s on anyone’s scale, and both were still virgins at 24. One had severe anxiety issues. She had never kissed a guy before. If it weren’t for the internet, she would probably still be a virgin today. The other chick had severe anxiety issues AND religious issues. For that matter, I don’t think I’ve ever dated a woman who wasn’t insane.
But, yeah, there are definitely some hot virgins in their 20s out there.
February 6th, 2009 at 7:34 am
@ Slash – I just wanna know what I can expect. Are we talking Hard Candy genitalia mashing or Fatal Attraction pet murder?
February 6th, 2009 at 7:47 am
@ lopey: These people may be being honest with themselves. If all they have tapped is fuglies then a decent looking skank maybe a 8 or 9 on their personal scale. Especially if they believe their so called 8 or 9 is the hottest chick they can potentially bang. It’s all in how you/they look at it. Hell, some of these fuckers could be using the metric system for all we know.
February 6th, 2009 at 8:30 am
And as for hitting for the cycle, I’ve had girlfriends for the cycle. I’m trying for a different cycle — sex with at least one chick from every inhabited continent.
/Still seeking Europe and Oceania.
//Came THIS close with a Kiwi chick, but she backed out at the last minute. Dammit.
February 6th, 2009 at 9:09 am
@ JetSetter I’m sure he could have found one domestic, but if you can afford to go to the source…
February 6th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@dinosaur: so you’ve already crossed Antarctica off the list? Those poor penguins had no idea what was coming you sick fuck!
@lucky like little: you can’t just pay for it man! That takes the challenge out of it (though I suppose a Native American hooker is still pretty hard to find if you don’t live near a reservation). Agreed on the time limit for the Neopolitan, though some people go a lifetime without ever completing that…
February 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
The race is on, dinosaur! Actually, it might already be over – does a girl who was born in Russia but moved to Australia when she was five count as Oceania?
February 6th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
@Zack, Russian or Australian accent? that’d probably be the determining factor
February 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Australian, though she still spoke Russian. I’m pretty sure she was traveling on an Australian passport.
February 6th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
@ dandy; terrific point my friend.
February 6th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
@miamidiesel Normally I would agree. But this guy was a straight up player and could not bed the East Asian strange. Hell, I don’t suck (I did complete a Neopolitan after all), and the closest I got was an awkward three weeks of the worse teased blueballs of my life – twice. At some point you just want to see what all the fuss is about.
February 6th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
AJ,
Sorry for the late reply; my internet’s been flaky.
The short version is that “Daddy issues” will eventually see you as her father figure and go out of her way to punish you for all the shit he did wrong. It’s not a pretty picture. Google “Histrionic Personality Disorder” for more background.
Sorry the reply isn’t funny.
/ been there and still can’t laugh about it.
February 7th, 2009 at 11:20 am
What the fuck is wrong with Richmond?
February 7th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
mr. endurance here…late to the party…as usual…i’ve been with her for 5 years.. and the head is great except for the fact that I don’t blow my load.. she never blew anyone before me..but she keeps it wet and uses both her toungue and hands.. i’ve come close and told her not to stop.. and she kept goin and it felt wonderful..but I still didn’t cum..
many thanks to all who provided some advice…AND KSK…that gay joke was not funny.. but I’m glad you were able to give me some serious advice thereafter..