Welcome to the latest installment in the sport blogosphere’s favorite guide to getting girls to grudgingly agree to anal. Actually, there shockingly weren’t any questions regarding taking a walk on the brown side this week, so I’m assuming girls everywhere have gotten the message. Instead, we have a slew of inquiries about endurance, slumpbusters and shark buggery. Onward, coiting ones.

Questions for further ‘bags go here. (Send your question today. It pisses Unsilent off for some reason to get them the same day the column runs.)

First things first – do you see any place for the Sex Cannon to go now that he’s no longer a Chicago Bear?

Your mom’s gash? That or Detroit. Similar odor.

Second, and more importantly, I’ve been with my girl for over two years now, and as time has gone by there’s less and less sex. Things were great for the first year, and has faded since. It’s about as frequently as Devin Hester getting a return TD. Even if I surprise her with a wine & dine romantic evening, she’s too tired, too sick, or too busy to have sex, yet she has more than enough time to work out, read a book and watch a Celebrity Sober House marathon on a Saturday. What can I do to reignite the relationship before I ruin every sock in my apartment?

- I’d Settle for a Dry Hump, Oak Park IL

I’ve never had a relationship last long enough for a partner to dry up (or us not to get sick of each other) so I don’t know how to remedy your plight. Sounds like she’s making excuses to avoid fucking you while you’re going beyond the usual dutiful boyfriend doting. Which augurs well for this relationship. You should consider fucking her sister/friend/yoga teacher.

Dear Gay Mafia,

Do you think Alex Smith got a bum deal with four offensive coordinators in four years and do you think the Niners should re-sign him to a lesser deal to compete for the job? Or should they go with somebody who’s less of a pussy?

His offensive coordinators didn’t give him his tiny hands, so I’m gonna go with no. Sure, they could sign him to a lesser deal and let him hang around, but he’s not earning that job back. But, hey, the Sex Cannon is soon to be available. The assholes at the Tribune are even running a counter.

As for sex, I’ve recently started sending friend requests to bloggers on my Facebook. Problem is, now the “People You May Now” feature keeps popping up people like Jemele Hill, Leitch, and Jeff Pearlman. Which is fine, but lately Facebook has been acting up and only displaying one friend I may know. And it’s always Rob Iracane. My question is: Is this a sign from God that I should stop my futile efforts to break this horrific dry spell and just become a monk?

-El Duke

Rob Iracane is a surprisingly generous lover, so you should consider yourself lucky. Though if your big idea to snap your cold streak is to send friend requests to bloggers on Facebook, the monastic life is probably not long in coming.

flubby: Don’t attempt to socialize with Pearlman, he can be a whiny little bitch if you disturb his pristine Gmail Valhalla

Ufford: Don’t fucking friend request people you don’t know. (Sounds like El Duke already struck out with him).

Dear Progressive Poo Pushers:

Any advice for a guy who has only got laid once how to last longer. The first time I lasted over 5 minutes but I was retarded drunk and she did all the work (The way I always dreamed it would be). So far I can think of a pregame jerking, being drunk and thinking of random shit. Any others?

Ramrod

(The nickname comes from first time I messed around with a girl who had mediocre looks. She drove a dodge ram truck and she had the name dodge chick. She was jerking me off and I didn’t last as long as planned and she told some friends and soon most the school knew and then I was given the name Ramrod.)

And here I was hoping it was because you were in Super Troopers.

There’s always double-bagging it. You won’t feel shit, but you might up your time all the way to six, maybe even seven minutes. And having whiskey dick might prolong the amount you all are going at it, but those definitely aren’t quality minutes.

Dear KSK,

So my girlfriend of four years broke up with me recently because she decided her life’s calling was to join the Marines (really). Which sucks because I actually loved her and she was great in bed.

So she left you for Ufford? What a wondrous recruitment tool that guy is. He should blog or something.

There’s nothing you guys can do about that

Whoop. Just had her on the verge of ditching the Corps, but have it your way.

but here’s my problem: after a four-year relationship, I have totally forgotten how to talk to girls. Not that I was ever a smooth talker, but I could at least secure myself a fricking BJ now and then.

My only realistic chance at getting laid in the near future is this girl I’m taking a graduate school class with. The problem is she’s sorta fat. (And by “sorta,” I mean “really”) I fear banging this chick will blow any chance I might-but-probably-don’t have with the other girls in my class. Should I just bang the fatty anyway? Because I’m worried I’ll never get laid again.

Also, I’m a Bills fan. So I might never get laid or see my team win a Super Bowl. Should I just kill myself?

- Scared Shitless in Buffalo

Le sigh. To recap: You claim that your problem here is that a bunch of girls you admittedly have no shot at won’t give you a shot if you sleep with the one girl ready to give you a go? Sounds reasonable. If you’re not interested in Fatty Lumpkins, then by all means don’t fuck her. Masturbation isn’t so bad compared to sex with people you’re not at all attracted to. But don’t not fuck her on account of events that will never come to pass.

Also: kill yourself.

Football: Chris Wells may not be completely worth the #5 pick, but the Browns will be in the market for a bruising running back sooner than later with Jamal Lewis getting up there in mileage. If they can’t trade down, is the hometown boy Wells a smart pick?

I’d say the secondary is every bit as much an immediate need for the Brownies as the running game. The axiom goes that it’s far more difficult to get a good corner than it is to get a good running back. I’d say they should stay put and take Malcolm Jenkins. But I’m also cool with Cleveland fucking up and staying horrible.

Sex: I have a recurring dream where I am bludgeoning Dashiell Bennett to death with a laptop. It may not sound like a sex question but lo and behold, every time I wake up and the sheets are soiled. Is this abnormal?

DREW: Perfectly normal.

You may remember from a few weeks ago, the college kid who inquired whether it was/was not moral to “part the red sea” while my girlfriend was on her period during my visit. Now that the visit has past, I’ll have you know that her period happened to end early, ending hours before I arrived actually. Now a new problem arises…

I was very shocked to see the amount of hair growing down in the garden. How do I get my girl to take out the hedging clippers on her bush without offending her?

You can’t. You might succeed in making her do it, but she’ll hold it against you. Welcome to women.

As for football, which player in the no fun league would you portray as the “Wilt Chamberlain” with regards to the ladies?

-College Kid

Namath probably in terms of sheer sexual bravado. In numbers? Hard to say. Travis Henry, if only his career had legs, as opposed to one shortened by a third leg, could had given him a run.

Dear Rainbow Clan,

Football: I’m in a 16 team dynasty league and I need three more keepers to suffice with the League Nazi’s settings of 20 keepers, so what three do you recommend out of Flacco, Tiny Darren, Cedric Benson & Le’Ron McClain?

Cut Benson. Think the Bungles offense was bad last year? Wait until they have no receivers.

Sex: One question, 2 parts. I have an ex-girlfriend who is now a best friend that I haven’t seen in months…I’m looking to get a nice little lay when I visit her over Spring Break, but she says we’re best friends so we can’t do that. The second part is, I’m Catholic. Since I haven’t given up anything for Lent the past couple years, I was thinking about giving up my daily exercise (masturbation) for the next 40 days to make up for it…but if I go visit my BFF and have sex, I’ll have Kurt Warner after me. But if I don’t get laid, I can’t off myself, because of Lent. What do I do?

Eagerly awaiting your less than comical response,
John

Couldn’t you have given up chocolate or somesuch minor indulgence? Did it have to be the diddling? Dominus Vobiscum, you overly stringent Catholics. As for the girl, you’d be best advised to give it up. You’re squarely ensconced in the Former Lover alcove of the Friend Zone, and as such, you’re entitled to getting jerked the fuck around and ultimately never actually fucked by this girl again. Girls are loathe to give up anyone they can consider their friend, even if they are semi-interested in fucking them. Doing so reduces the amount of people they can cocktease, hit up for gossip and ask for favors from.

Sex stuff: What is the current rule on how long you can sleep in at a broad’s house after picking her up the night before? I usually don’t give a shit and say fuck them and sleep as long as I want but I don’t want her to tell her friends I’m some creep. Also does the rule change depending on if you’re in BFE where the bars close at 1am or if you’re in New York where they stay open late?

Football: Will the Saints ever make a run deep into the playoffs with a shitty defense and a starting RB too distracted by his girlfriend’s ass’s gravitational pull?

Handsome Rob

No. Perhaps with a decent defense and Reggie Bust but not with no defense and an ersatz Eric Metcalf.

Oh great sires of the internet, I come to you with some questions, I’m also trying to get stuff off my chest. (That is not a euphemism)

I went on some camp with my school recently and of course us crazy teenagers (17/18 year olds btw) had some misadventures – SEXY ones. Two people were doing it at one point and then the guy’s friends all ran into the room to try and scare him or something but they ended up cockblocking him. Don’t care about them though.

Two other people did it as well, the female being a fine piece of ass who I’m quite fond of myself and the male being someone I’m reasonably good friends with. Now the girl acts almost the same way towards me as she did towards the guy before they fucked except with less hugging. Should I try to get with her the same way my friend did?

Less physical contact is a trusty indicator of whether she’s interested. Girls love nothing more than some empty cockteasing, because attention to them is like name dropping to PK. Some girl chatted me this morning bragging that a random dude she would never fuck hollered at her on the way to work. They live for dumb shit like that (and pretending to be offended when it happens). I’d say it’s worth a shot to try to hook up with her, but she could just be fucking with your head.

Next question. I’m flirting with this other girl at school who has a boyfriend who I’m kinda friends with too. We had a whole class last week where the entire lesson was spent talking to each other about – without actually saying the words, I’m kinda proud of myself for that – dick size and then we used a billion euphemisms for sex talking about basically everything. Two problems here: a) she definitely likes her boyfriend, he had a medical problem recently so now they seem even closer together and I feel kinda bad flirting with her, and b) I’m pretty sure I heavily hinted that I have a seven inch dick to her. Since I’m on the internet, I obviously don’t – I’m average. I probably should have aimed higher if I was trying to seem awesome or something but I wanted to stay realistic. So do I need to explain something about that to her now (this is a terrible option clearly) or do I just wait until she’s single, go to some party, get drunk with her and then deal with the problem as it cums?

Also I want to ask out that girl’s best friend should I do that? They’re both hot and joking around about being lesbians a little bit the other day, there’s probably no way a threesome will happen but still. Maybe.

No-one cares about football it’s the middle of February.

Thanks bros,

YEP THESE ARE MY READERS

You’re a sucker for flirting girls. Her joking about dicks in class doesn’t mean she’s ready to leave the man and jump on yours. No reason you shouldn’t go for her friend though. If she calls you out for the 7 inches, just say you cheated and measured from the base of the balls. If that still doesn’t account for seven, well then HAHAHA.

Dear Internet:

I’ve recently been having a wonderful time juggling two females at once, and while it hasn’t happened yet, I fear I will eventually be forced to make a decision. Girl A is a “been there, done that,” although that certainly shouldn’t detract from how enjoyable “that” was. I would describe her as a 7, with extra percentage points due to the fact that I need not put forth any boyfriend effort whatsoever in order to reach the promised land. Girl B is fresh meat, and easily a 9. She’s also 5 years my junior, which gives her extra percentage points. My only fear is that in order to get some from her, I may have to actually do boyfriend shit, which I am good at but I really hate, for obvious reasons. My question is, when and if decision time comes, should I devote more time and attention to the effortless 7, or the smokin’ hot younger chick, knowing that It may take longer and require more effort? Bear in mind, I’m willing to ride as far as I can juggling the two.

Football question: Possible landing spot for the aging MarHar?

Disdainfully yours,

Some Asshole

From what I hear, MarHar seems likely to land in Philly, because you should always play in the town where you get a gun charge.

I’m inclined to side with the 7. The hotter girl will only demand more and more effort out of you and by the time the moment comes when you have to go exclusive with her, you might already be bored with her. The dropoff from 9 to 7 isn’t that dramatic when you take aggravation out of the equation.