KSK Fantasy Football And Sex Advice Mailbag: Sex Cannons, Lengthy Lies and Facebook Follies
Welcome to the latest installment in the sport blogosphere’s favorite guide to getting girls to grudgingly agree to anal. Actually, there shockingly weren’t any questions regarding taking a walk on the brown side this week, so I’m assuming girls everywhere have gotten the message. Instead, we have a slew of inquiries about endurance, slumpbusters and shark buggery. Onward, coiting ones.
Questions for further ‘bags go here. (Send your question today. It pisses Unsilent off for some reason to get them the same day the column runs.)
First things first – do you see any place for the Sex Cannon to go now that he’s no longer a Chicago Bear?
Your mom’s gash? That or Detroit. Similar odor.
Second, and more importantly, I’ve been with my girl for over two years now, and as time has gone by there’s less and less sex. Things were great for the first year, and has faded since. It’s about as frequently as Devin Hester getting a return TD. Even if I surprise her with a wine & dine romantic evening, she’s too tired, too sick, or too busy to have sex, yet she has more than enough time to work out, read a book and watch a Celebrity Sober House marathon on a Saturday. What can I do to reignite the relationship before I ruin every sock in my apartment?
- I’d Settle for a Dry Hump, Oak Park IL
I’ve never had a relationship last long enough for a partner to dry up (or us not to get sick of each other) so I don’t know how to remedy your plight. Sounds like she’s making excuses to avoid fucking you while you’re going beyond the usual dutiful boyfriend doting. Which augurs well for this relationship. You should consider fucking her sister/friend/yoga teacher.
Dear Gay Mafia,
Do you think Alex Smith got a bum deal with four offensive coordinators in four years and do you think the Niners should re-sign him to a lesser deal to compete for the job? Or should they go with somebody who’s less of a pussy?
His offensive coordinators didn’t give him his tiny hands, so I’m gonna go with no. Sure, they could sign him to a lesser deal and let him hang around, but he’s not earning that job back. But, hey, the Sex Cannon is soon to be available. The assholes at the Tribune are even running a counter.
As for sex, I’ve recently started sending friend requests to bloggers on my Facebook. Problem is, now the “People You May Now” feature keeps popping up people like Jemele Hill, Leitch, and Jeff Pearlman. Which is fine, but lately Facebook has been acting up and only displaying one friend I may know. And it’s always Rob Iracane. My question is: Is this a sign from God that I should stop my futile efforts to break this horrific dry spell and just become a monk?
-El Duke
Rob Iracane is a surprisingly generous lover, so you should consider yourself lucky. Though if your big idea to snap your cold streak is to send friend requests to bloggers on Facebook, the monastic life is probably not long in coming.
flubby: Don’t attempt to socialize with Pearlman, he can be a whiny little bitch if you disturb his pristine Gmail Valhalla
Ufford: Don’t fucking friend request people you don’t know. (Sounds like El Duke already struck out with him).
Dear Progressive Poo Pushers:
Any advice for a guy who has only got laid once how to last longer. The first time I lasted over 5 minutes but I was retarded drunk and she did all the work (The way I always dreamed it would be). So far I can think of a pregame jerking, being drunk and thinking of random shit. Any others?
Ramrod
(The nickname comes from first time I messed around with a girl who had mediocre looks. She drove a dodge ram truck and she had the name dodge chick. She was jerking me off and I didn’t last as long as planned and she told some friends and soon most the school knew and then I was given the name Ramrod.)
And here I was hoping it was because you were in Super Troopers.
There’s always double-bagging it. You won’t feel shit, but you might up your time all the way to six, maybe even seven minutes. And having whiskey dick might prolong the amount you all are going at it, but those definitely aren’t quality minutes.
Dear KSK,
So my girlfriend of four years broke up with me recently because she decided her life’s calling was to join the Marines (really). Which sucks because I actually loved her and she was great in bed.
So she left you for Ufford? What a wondrous recruitment tool that guy is. He should blog or something.
There’s nothing you guys can do about that
Whoop. Just had her on the verge of ditching the Corps, but have it your way.
but here’s my problem: after a four-year relationship, I have totally forgotten how to talk to girls. Not that I was ever a smooth talker, but I could at least secure myself a fricking BJ now and then.
My only realistic chance at getting laid in the near future is this girl I’m taking a graduate school class with. The problem is she’s sorta fat. (And by “sorta,” I mean “really”) I fear banging this chick will blow any chance I might-but-probably-don’t have with the other girls in my class. Should I just bang the fatty anyway? Because I’m worried I’ll never get laid again.
Also, I’m a Bills fan. So I might never get laid or see my team win a Super Bowl. Should I just kill myself?
- Scared Shitless in Buffalo
Le sigh. To recap: You claim that your problem here is that a bunch of girls you admittedly have no shot at won’t give you a shot if you sleep with the one girl ready to give you a go? Sounds reasonable. If you’re not interested in Fatty Lumpkins, then by all means don’t fuck her. Masturbation isn’t so bad compared to sex with people you’re not at all attracted to. But don’t not fuck her on account of events that will never come to pass.
Also: kill yourself.
Football: Chris Wells may not be completely worth the #5 pick, but the Browns will be in the market for a bruising running back sooner than later with Jamal Lewis getting up there in mileage. If they can’t trade down, is the hometown boy Wells a smart pick?
I’d say the secondary is every bit as much an immediate need for the Brownies as the running game. The axiom goes that it’s far more difficult to get a good corner than it is to get a good running back. I’d say they should stay put and take Malcolm Jenkins. But I’m also cool with Cleveland fucking up and staying horrible.
Sex: I have a recurring dream where I am bludgeoning Dashiell Bennett to death with a laptop. It may not sound like a sex question but lo and behold, every time I wake up and the sheets are soiled. Is this abnormal?
DREW: Perfectly normal.
You may remember from a few weeks ago, the college kid who inquired whether it was/was not moral to “part the red sea” while my girlfriend was on her period during my visit. Now that the visit has past, I’ll have you know that her period happened to end early, ending hours before I arrived actually. Now a new problem arises…
I was very shocked to see the amount of hair growing down in the garden. How do I get my girl to take out the hedging clippers on her bush without offending her?
You can’t. You might succeed in making her do it, but she’ll hold it against you. Welcome to women.
As for football, which player in the no fun league would you portray as the “Wilt Chamberlain” with regards to the ladies?
-College Kid
Namath probably in terms of sheer sexual bravado. In numbers? Hard to say. Travis Henry, if only his career had legs, as opposed to one shortened by a third leg, could had given him a run.
Dear Rainbow Clan,
Football: I’m in a 16 team dynasty league and I need three more keepers to suffice with the League Nazi’s settings of 20 keepers, so what three do you recommend out of Flacco, Tiny Darren, Cedric Benson & Le’Ron McClain?
Cut Benson. Think the Bungles offense was bad last year? Wait until they have no receivers.
Sex: One question, 2 parts. I have an ex-girlfriend who is now a best friend that I haven’t seen in months…I’m looking to get a nice little lay when I visit her over Spring Break, but she says we’re best friends so we can’t do that. The second part is, I’m Catholic. Since I haven’t given up anything for Lent the past couple years, I was thinking about giving up my daily exercise (masturbation) for the next 40 days to make up for it…but if I go visit my BFF and have sex, I’ll have Kurt Warner after me. But if I don’t get laid, I can’t off myself, because of Lent. What do I do?
Eagerly awaiting your less than comical response,
John
Couldn’t you have given up chocolate or somesuch minor indulgence? Did it have to be the diddling? Dominus Vobiscum, you overly stringent Catholics. As for the girl, you’d be best advised to give it up. You’re squarely ensconced in the Former Lover alcove of the Friend Zone, and as such, you’re entitled to getting jerked the fuck around and ultimately never actually fucked by this girl again. Girls are loathe to give up anyone they can consider their friend, even if they are semi-interested in fucking them. Doing so reduces the amount of people they can cocktease, hit up for gossip and ask for favors from.
Sex stuff: What is the current rule on how long you can sleep in at a broad’s house after picking her up the night before? I usually don’t give a shit and say fuck them and sleep as long as I want but I don’t want her to tell her friends I’m some creep. Also does the rule change depending on if you’re in BFE where the bars close at 1am or if you’re in New York where they stay open late?
Football: Will the Saints ever make a run deep into the playoffs with a shitty defense and a starting RB too distracted by his girlfriend’s ass’s gravitational pull?
Handsome Rob
No. Perhaps with a decent defense and Reggie Bust but not with no defense and an ersatz Eric Metcalf.
Oh great sires of the internet, I come to you with some questions, I’m also trying to get stuff off my chest. (That is not a euphemism)
I went on some camp with my school recently and of course us crazy teenagers (17/18 year olds btw) had some misadventures – SEXY ones. Two people were doing it at one point and then the guy’s friends all ran into the room to try and scare him or something but they ended up cockblocking him. Don’t care about them though.
Two other people did it as well, the female being a fine piece of ass who I’m quite fond of myself and the male being someone I’m reasonably good friends with. Now the girl acts almost the same way towards me as she did towards the guy before they fucked except with less hugging. Should I try to get with her the same way my friend did?
Less physical contact is a trusty indicator of whether she’s interested. Girls love nothing more than some empty cockteasing, because attention to them is like name dropping to PK. Some girl chatted me this morning bragging that a random dude she would never fuck hollered at her on the way to work. They live for dumb shit like that (and pretending to be offended when it happens). I’d say it’s worth a shot to try to hook up with her, but she could just be fucking with your head.
Next question. I’m flirting with this other girl at school who has a boyfriend who I’m kinda friends with too. We had a whole class last week where the entire lesson was spent talking to each other about – without actually saying the words, I’m kinda proud of myself for that – dick size and then we used a billion euphemisms for sex talking about basically everything. Two problems here: a) she definitely likes her boyfriend, he had a medical problem recently so now they seem even closer together and I feel kinda bad flirting with her, and b) I’m pretty sure I heavily hinted that I have a seven inch dick to her. Since I’m on the internet, I obviously don’t – I’m average. I probably should have aimed higher if I was trying to seem awesome or something but I wanted to stay realistic. So do I need to explain something about that to her now (this is a terrible option clearly) or do I just wait until she’s single, go to some party, get drunk with her and then deal with the problem as it cums?
Also I want to ask out that girl’s best friend should I do that? They’re both hot and joking around about being lesbians a little bit the other day, there’s probably no way a threesome will happen but still. Maybe.
No-one cares about football it’s the middle of February.
Thanks bros,
YEP THESE ARE MY READERS
You’re a sucker for flirting girls. Her joking about dicks in class doesn’t mean she’s ready to leave the man and jump on yours. No reason you shouldn’t go for her friend though. If she calls you out for the 7 inches, just say you cheated and measured from the base of the balls. If that still doesn’t account for seven, well then HAHAHA.
Dear Internet:
I’ve recently been having a wonderful time juggling two females at once, and while it hasn’t happened yet, I fear I will eventually be forced to make a decision. Girl A is a “been there, done that,” although that certainly shouldn’t detract from how enjoyable “that” was. I would describe her as a 7, with extra percentage points due to the fact that I need not put forth any boyfriend effort whatsoever in order to reach the promised land. Girl B is fresh meat, and easily a 9. She’s also 5 years my junior, which gives her extra percentage points. My only fear is that in order to get some from her, I may have to actually do boyfriend shit, which I am good at but I really hate, for obvious reasons. My question is, when and if decision time comes, should I devote more time and attention to the effortless 7, or the smokin’ hot younger chick, knowing that It may take longer and require more effort? Bear in mind, I’m willing to ride as far as I can juggling the two.
Football question: Possible landing spot for the aging MarHar?
Disdainfully yours,
Some Asshole
From what I hear, MarHar seems likely to land in Philly, because you should always play in the town where you get a gun charge.
I’m inclined to side with the 7. The hotter girl will only demand more and more effort out of you and by the time the moment comes when you have to go exclusive with her, you might already be bored with her. The dropoff from 9 to 7 isn’t that dramatic when you take aggravation out of the equation.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
That is one of the creepiest pics I’ve ever seen. In fact, looking at it is turning me off.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Answer to first question: she either just doesn’t like sex and you should find another girlfriend or she’s already fucking someone else and hasn’t dumped you yet. Or has recently switched to new birth control that has killed her sex drive.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Jesus. How many of these were sent in by high-schoolers? I keep getting older, but mailbag writers stay the same age.
And, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: you want your lady to wax/shave? Just tell her how infinitely more awesome it will feel for her once she does. Look up testimonials on the internet from other ladies if she doesn’t believe you.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“Any advice for a guy who has only got laid once how to last longer.” err, maybe don’t get retard drunk?
“the Former Lover alcove of the Friend Zone” — this area is also known to the ladies as “The Possible Emergency Penis Chamber” i say take your best shot
also, please ban the person who suggested that Alex Smith should be re-signed. thx.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
wow — the KSK ladies are all over it today LOL
February 26th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
If Scared Shitless in Buffalo thinks the girl is fat she must really be fat. Anything under 200 lbs qualifies as skinny in Buffalo.
Also, it is weird to friend request people you don’t know on facebook.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
1) is that the burt in that top picture?
B) how many times did you have to read that high school kids to understand the point of what hes trying to say?
February 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
What the fuck, 1970’s? Why were you so creepy?
February 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Handsome Rob– get up and get the fuck out. Nothing good can come from staying there, since you won’t get morning-after sex and some nutjob clinger is going to think you want a relationship if you stay there too long. Sleep at home.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Here’s a question from me: Why is anyone besides the Pope Catholic anymore? For reals… I don’t get it. I mean, at least with the Baptists, you get the benefits of gay bashing and the anal sex to preserve your “virginity.” Muslims get the woman beating, the multiple wives. Not sure what the benefits of Hinduism are, but I’m sure there are some, the Jews get the whole “Holocaust, so you can’t criticize us” thing. What benefits do Catholics get, now that buggering little kids is off the table? Just the drinking?
RE “Some girl chatted me this morning bragging that a random dude she would never fuck hollered at her on the way to work. They live for dumb shit like that (and pretending to be offended when it happens).”
Unfortunately, this is true. My fave is when they dress like hookers and then complain when dudes stare at their tits.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
@UU- it’s doubly weird to friend request bloggers, ostensibly for sex. Just…..why??
February 26th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
When did mustaches and tight jean shorts become creepy? No one told me.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
on the FB tip, i made friend requests to 2 bloggers whom i do not personally know, and was graciously accepted. i did it for three reasons (1) i want to know about other writings, appearances, etc. that they may or may not post on their blog; (2) they’re funny mo’ fo’s and i want to read whatever they write if it’s made public, and check out their links, videos, etc; and (3) i figure their friends are probably also funny mo’ fo’s and it’s fun to read what they write, link to, etc. too. i’m under no illusion that these people are personal friends of mine.
so, no. it’s not necessarily weird to friend request a blogger
February 26th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Sheer black and pink haltertop … ON A DUDE! Creepy.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Tobias Funke stole that guy’s shorts.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
@Ramrod: Wait a minute- a girl is making fun of you for not lasting while she was jerking you? What?? That’s like a girl saying “I really wanted to suppress my gag reflex for another 45 minutes. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
February 26th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
That guy/girl with a mustache – on the Massage Music cover has to be a serial killer.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Your mom’s gash? That or Detroit. Similar odor.
But with more black people!
February 26th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
irony: Uff friended me and i don’t fucking know him. But my neighbors did say they caught a guy snooping around our windows last week, so maybe he knows me.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
@ Ramrod
I need some clarification here. You mention only getting laid once and didn’t last long, then you mentioned getting jerked off by Ram Girl and not lasting long. Are these instances one in the same? Because if so, your ball diamond ends at third base and that doesn’t count as an RBI.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
hmmm…it seems he has since rectified his mistake. guess he didn’t like what he saw at the window.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
@ Handsome Rob
What’s important is what they look like in the morning. If they are coyote, hit the door and nap at home. If they are hot, give them a sample of morning wood and you might even weazel lunch before you go, hell, it could be a lost weekend of sex, drink, sex, repeat…..
Huh?…Oh, sorry, drifted off to the Champagne Room in my Spank Bank there for a second.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
The dropoff from 9 to 7 isn’t that dramatic when you take aggravation out of the equation.
AMEN BRUTHA
February 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
@Handsome Rob: if she’s not lingering in bed with you, and is already up and around and doing shit, it’s time to GTFO. She’s not running a bed and breakfast.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Adding bloggers on FB/Twitter/social networking borg of your choice: Not weird. Add a note with your friend request identifying yourself and your handle on his/her site. If you’re adding bloggers in order to have sex with them, well, there but for the grace of Jebus go I.
As for the burgeoning trend of high schoolers writing in to the mailbag, Fantasy/Sex Advice Mailbag:KSK::Pot Psychology: Jezebel.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Hell I’d go from a 9 to a 3 to avoid the drama
February 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
@SSB: That’s why I rate women on a binary scale. If I would fuck them, the rest depends on accompanying bullshit.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@Handsome Rob: if she’s not lingering in bed with you, and is already up and around and doing shit, it’s time to GTFO. She’s not running a bed and breakfast.
I know, what happened to the good ol’ days of chivalry, when a man would leave early in the morning and never call her again?
February 26th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
That guy on the message album has got to be Norm MacDonald playing Burt Reynolds (or Turd Ferguson). I can’t stop laughing about the fact that when it was taken, someone thought it was sexy.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
You know the red head on the couch has some serious fire crotch.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
@Dry Hump – she’s cheating on you…sorry, bro.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
The suggestively-raised eyebrow in that photo completes it for me
February 26th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Ramrod – Pregame jerk an hour before the date starts can only help your situation. In fact, if you can rough up the suspect a couple of times in a short span (15 min breather) then you’ll should easily get 10+ minutes.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
BigRedEd: They are 2 different girls. The one I had sex(intercourse) with for 5 minutes.
The other one who jerked me off for a couple minutes and then I was dubbed ramrod. This occurred first in the timeline and is the reason why I lack confidence/experience
February 26th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@Dry Hump: My suggestion to you is tell your old lady “I’m sick of this shit…” and storm out of the house without saying anything else after she rebuffs your efforts. If she comes running after you, you can let her know that the clock is ticking and she’s about to get kicked to the curb unless the sex action picks up.
If she doesn’t care that you left the house, then yes, she is definitely cheating on you. In that case, you should
toss her off of a bridgebreak up with her immediately…then fuck her best friend. It will make you feel better and back in control of your life.February 26th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Ramrod – Pregame jerk an hour before the date starts can only help your situation. In fact, if you can rough up the suspect a couple of times in a short span (15 min breather) then you’ll should easily get 10+ minutes.
But if you do it too much, you’ll go limp at crunch time. It’s a delicate balancing act!
February 26th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
@SSB – True. He’ll have to perfect his technique. Sooner or later he’s going to realize just as I did that there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path
February 26th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
You are not quite ready, Ramrod-san!
February 26th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I wouldn’t fuck you with Future Mrs Rick Ankiel’s dick, whoever you are.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
High Schoolers? Grown up life isn’t a porno. This chick and her friend were almost certainly fucking with you, even if they hook up you will most certainly not be involved. lower those expectations a bit.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Ramrod- Repeat after me: “You’re so fuckin hot I couldn’t help myself”
Should buy you the first couple misfires until you figure out cunnilingus.
Oh, and Slater (or whatever the HS kids name is) 7 inches is pretty much average. If you are worried about it I have to assume you are either well below average, or you are hanging around with some weird chick who carries a ruler in her back pocket. Either way: fuck the best friend.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
High Schoolers? Grown up life isn’t a porno.
“You can guess what happens next.”
“He fixes the cable?”
February 26th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Wish I could enlarge the Massage Album Cover.
There has got to be a tray full of blow in that picture somewhere !
February 26th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
that high school retard needs to fucking kill himself now. painfully. with a sledgehammer and a rusty nail. i could go on and on as to why, but lets face it if you don’t understand my rationale after reading that senseless, babbling drivel then you should kill yourself as well.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
At the kid who talks in euphemisms about his dick in class:
All the girls you mentioned all think you’re creepy. Not only that, but they also told their handicapped boyfriends, who told their dads. Also, you lose to medically challenged people when it comes to getting chicks.
Concerning high schoolers in general, if you haven’t gotten any by two and a half months left til graduation, you won’t be getting any til college.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Yeah, I realized about 5 minutes after I sent that question that it was poorly worded and sounded like adding bloggers on Facebook was what I was doing to break my dry spell.
Damn me for just wanting to make an Iracane joke.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I should have just cosigned willsy
February 26th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Bloggers make excellent lovers.
That’s all I’m saying.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Two different lines:
“The dropoff from 9 to 7 isn’t that dramatic when you take aggravation out of the equation.”
and
“Bloggers make excellent lovers.
That’s all I’m saying.”
…. that I can’t agree with more wholeheartedly.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
When did Pleasureman Gunther cut that album?
As for premature ejaculation kid, my experience is that stamina builds up over time. In the beginning, try stalling by spending extra time on oral, playing/licking her breasts, and various other forms of foreplay. Also, once you insert, you’re going to want to start jackhammering away immediately. Avoid that tendency if possible.
And if that fails, you can always tell her that you cumming too quickly is a perverse compliment for how hot she is.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
“Explicitly Illustrated Instruction Booklet Enclosed”
That’s got to be a collector’s item there. A scary, disturbing collector’s item. As far as free stuff that comes with albums, I’ll take the giant rolling paper that came with Cheech & Chong’s “Bambú” record.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
“Bloggers make excellent lovers.”
You forgot to add “theoretically.” There’s no empirical data or proof yet.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I think that’s Derek Sanderson.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Dry Hump: You sure she’s not humping someone on the side? Even the most reserved of ladies needs to ride the occassional Shiancoe!
El Duke: only friend people you know…and go look for your slumpbuster on Craigslist (more anonymous that way)
Ramrod: Train yourself like Rocky — that’s right out on the streets of Philly!
Scared: the Big Bird in the hand is worth the 3 skinny bitches in the bush. Get laid!
College Kid: Uh…eh…ahh…if you were willing to part the Red Sea, why can’t you tell her she’s got an Afro down there?
John: NEVER give up polishing the bishop — even if it means your immortal soul. And forget the BFF.
Handsome Rob: You stay the night? Are you trying to end up in some horror movie?
HS kid: 1. You’re in high school. Get what you can get.
Some Asshole: Take the 7 and the stress free life.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Jesus these questions were boring. Does a girl who talks to me like me? (PROBABLY NOT!) What happened to all the sick fucks who video-taped their girlfriend’s sisters in the shower? High school kids, stick to myspace and leave the sex questions to people who’ve actually had sex.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
drifted off to the Champagne Room
Didn’t Chris Rock tell you that there’s no sex in the Champagne Room?!
February 26th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
And for the record, none of the bloggers I’ve added have shot me down. Sluts.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I forgot about the guy who video taped his sister-in-law in the shower and made copies in DVD and VHS. Now THAT’S a dedicated pervo.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I forgot about the guy who video taped his sister-in-law in the shower and made copies in DVD and VHS. Now THAT’S a dedicated pervo.
I heard he got a tattoo, as well. Such commitment.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@Slash
“What benefits do Catholics get, now that buggering little kids is off the table? Just the drinking?”
Being an Irish/German Catholic I would have to say it’s the drinking..
February 26th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Wow – I read these and just keep feeling older and older. Where was the internet when I was 18?
February 26th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@Slash, @Up Yours Johnny Cash
And the crushing guilt fostered from birth to death. Don’t forget that.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
The photo on that massage album was taken from the Turkish knock-off version of “Cannonball Run”.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I’m starting to think this should be a monthly feature. The quality of questions has dropped off faster than LaDanian Tomlinson’s career.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Ape sounds a little angry today. Not that I’m complaining. I’ll take Ape any way I can get him.
Ok, that came out wrong….
February 26th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
To ANY high school kid writing in, fuck whatever females you can. Life is short. Basic philosophy.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
@ Gino
Excellent comparison.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Dry Hump: She may not be banging someone else, but she’s almost definitely lost interest in you. This is one of those occasions where you sit her down and have a serious, honest conversation with her on the topic, and if she starts making excuses and you think she’s bullshitting you, then you break up with her immediately.
Ramrod: You’re still young. It’s very likely that you can stay hard and keep banging away even after you cum. (Damn, I miss being young) If that’s the case, she most likely won’t care if you cum in 30 seconds, provided you keep going until she gets hers.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
RE BabySexCannon Says:
“I’m starting to think this should be a monthly feature. The quality of questions has dropped off faster than LaDanian Tomlinson’s career.”
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. After the second or third iteration of “How do I get my GF/wife to let me stick it in her ass,” that question is boring. The “should I fuck a fat chick” one is getting old, too. The others are fine by me, but every time I’ve come back to this site today and seen that scuzzy picture at the top, another little piece of my soul dies.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I’ve been with my girl for over two years now, and as time has gone by there’s less and less sex.
Yes. This is called “being with a woman for an extended period of time.”
Women will only put out for several reasons.
1) They are raging sluts.
2) They are trying to snare you.
If case 1, congratulations! Share her with us, will you? Ofcourse, yours isn’t, because she’s not doing it anymore.
So that leaves case 2. You’ve been with her for two years. Living together? Said the M word at some point? Any way at all that she feels that she’s snared you for life and no longer has to do any work to convince you she’s the one you want?
If the answer is yes to any of these, then you will never have great sex again. This is how women work. Your only two options are to accept it (and find something on the side) or to dump her and make some other woman struggle to convince you that you want to be with her for the rest of your life. And then, ofcourse, and she’s convinced, the same scenario repeats itself.
So my advice is : Dump her and find yourself a ragingly horny 18 year old.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
@Ramrod — Orange Julius Page has a good point. If you’re only counting the actual dick-in-vagina part of sex, 5 minutes isn’t so bad. (No Olympic medals await you, but it could be worse.) It’s what you’re doing the rest of the time in the truck that matters.
Making out in a truck. Oh, memories…
February 26th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
@ YEP THESE ARE MY READERS
Those two hot chicks are fucking with you like there’s no tomorrow, then when they get together for steamy hot lesbian sex, they laugh their fucking asses off at you. The dick size chick probably has a picture in the fucking dictionary under “COCKTEASE”
Her best friend won’t fuck you because cocktease chick is messing with you, and it’s no fun to mess with a guy who is actually getting laid.
Sorry to burst your bubble, buddy. Welcome to the harsh real world of women.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
i just realized something.
all this talk about the pic at the top of the page, but no mention of the absurdly hot playboy twins and their hypnotic rear ends?
the gay must be spreading…
February 26th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
@ Some Asshole
Look at it this way. You could potentially teach the 9 to not expect so much boyfriend stuff. You will never be able to teach the 7 how to become a 9.
As for how to get the 9 to not expect so much boyfriend stuff, start treating her like shit. A shockingly large percentage of hot women really dig guys who treat them like garbage. She’ll even fuck you harder when you’re cold and callous to her, bonus!
February 26th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
I forgot about the guy who video taped his sister-in-law in the shower and made copies in DVD and VHS. Now THAT’S a dedicated pervo.
No shit. My wife laughed her ass off when I told her about him.
Hmm, my wife does have a pretty cute sister…
February 26th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
@ bk,
all this talk about the pic at the top of the page, but no mention of the absurdly hot playboy twins and their hypnotic
rear ends?
Some things don’t require debate, son.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
You’re lying to brag about seven inches? Dude, that’s fucking pathetic. Seven inches?! Never turn the lights on during sex, learn to give incredible oral and try to find a kind woman, one who won’t laugh at your toddler dick.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
“A shockingly large percentage of hot women really dig guys who treat them like garbage.”
These words are very true….I still can not understand this phenomenon
February 26th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
i was disappointed there was no KSK mailbag last week.. good thing anyway since I went skiing for the weekend.
DryHump – you could let her know straight up that you think the intimacy level in the relationship has gone down.. kinda gauge her response.. and continue from there.. i think COMMUNICATION might be key to reigniting this dryspell (I tried really hard, but this is the best I can come up with)
RamRod – relax and just let it happen – also still pumpin til she’s done won’t hurt.. you have a hat on..
ScaredShitless in Buff – fatgirls can lose weight.. when I met my girl in high school she was hott (we didn’t start goin out til college).. when we hooked up in college.. she was chubby and prolly dropped down to a 7..now she lost all that weight.. goes to the gym all the time..eats healthy.. and she’s as hott as ever.. if there’s potential personality wise ..give it a shot.. and just cuz you bang one fat chick.. it doesn’t mean you’re stuck doin fat chicks for the rest of your life…
CollegeKid – if she’s not willing to go TSP for you..ask her to trim it..
John- wait til after Lent to “rough up the suspect” (HILARIOUS by the way) – try to get with a friend of hers or something.. she’s done w/ you in her eyes.. like others said..the friends zone is a bitch..
Rob – if she’s up and you’re sleeping..GTFO.. if she wants to cuddle and go for more.. stick around..why not..you don’t have to call her back if you don’t want…
Asshole – take the 9 and if the sex isnt that great..go back to the 7 and get yourself another 8 or 9 for the side.. the 7 doesn’t care..she just wants to fuck.. no strings attached..
February 26th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
also to the dick size.. there’s no shame in being a grower and not a show-er…cuz when I grow it’s Magnum time..but limp..it’s kinda childish.. it is what it is.. the girlfriend loves it either way (luckily)
February 26th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
speaking of super troopers, it was playing in the background of my first time, i had my dick in her mouth when farva says ‘i’ll have a liter of cola’ and i started laughing and lost my hard on for a second.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
@bushwank: I met the guy who played the “liter-o-cola” cashier at a party shortly after I first moved to LA. Seemed like a pretty cool guy.
Also, it seems like a lot of folks here might want to do a little homework on penis size and what “average” means.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
@bushwank: I met the guy who played the “liter-o-cola” cashier at a party shortly after I first moved to LA. Seemed like a pretty cool guy.
Also, it seems like a lot of folks here might want to do a little homework on penis size (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_size) and what “average” means.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
RamRod…If you are 100 percent certain that your going to get laid the next day (before Prom or what have you)….
1) Don’t beat the monkey the day before the day in question (D-Day minus 1).
2) On D-Day, whack off in the morning. Then when that night comes it’ll be like you’ve been snorting Viagra but without worrying about Old Faithful blowing too early.
Has worked for me on several occasions, but then again that’s just me.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
@zack: Adam Carolla disagrees http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iemcji5URoQ
@mamacita: yah I meant 5 minutes in
February 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Also College Kid,
If you have the balls to part the red sea, the best place would be in the shower, preferably with low-lighting. That shower and low-lighting will keep the clean-up to a minimum and won’t make you feel like you murdered someone *shudder*. You also won’t have to worry about the bush too much, since the most comfortable position in the shower is doggy, hence no staring at whatever foliage your lady friend has going on down there.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I think that’s Daulerio in the top pic.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
The top pic? It’s the last known photo of Footsteps Falco.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
thanks to this mailbag, i have a renewed rooting interested in teen slasher films.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
+1 mini dagger
what’s with all the e-mails from clueless teenagers. clueless adults are a lot more fucking interesting.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
love this feature…
February 26th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I still love this, but it is in danger of becoming Love Lines with the questions from clueless youngsters.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
it’s the display of collected wisdom like this that led al gore to invent the internet – the communal campfire of modernity.
goodnight, ladies.
hit it, sweetheart.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:14 am
I’m here to help.
- I’d Settle for a Dry Hump, Oak Park IL
Your girl is riding you out for a ring. Don’t be fooled, but do something because she’s prepping to fuck someone else. Confront the whore before she transfigures into her true form.
YEP THESE ARE MY READERS
You really need to jerk off more. I’m not sure why this wasn’t recommended, but it’s absolutely the only cure for you.
Some Asshole
You’ve got a great opportunity on your hands. The 7 really isn’t any sort of GF? No commitment whatsoever? Tell her about the 9, all “hey there’s this girl at work (or whatever) that was hitting on me” and see how she reacts. You could be having a threesome within weeks. And it doesn’t matter if the gunman is going to Philly, teams will just double him and wait for Hank Basket to drop the ball.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:32 am
I have the feeling that ‘5 minutes’ is five minutes in the same way ‘7 inches’ is, well, seven inches. Just think Wrath of Khan: hours will be as days…
February 27th, 2009 at 1:56 am
The funniest part of this funny entry:
“Dear Internet:”
February 27th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Who doesnt love a sinister looking gentleman wearing a mesh tank top and jorts(or possibly jean skorts)?
February 27th, 2009 at 3:42 am
i’m stupid
February 27th, 2009 at 9:03 am
College Kid,
Instead of asking her to trim, ask her to SHAVE it all off!!!! Tell her it would be a turn on. More radical, much less potentially insulting! PLUS….of all the girls I’ve been with who trim and/or shave…once they start trimmin’, they KEEP trimmin’!!!!!
Just a thought.
February 27th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Hey, if she refuses to shave or trim, send her to me, I’ll make sure that she stays more than satisfied, and she’ll forget that you even exist.
February 27th, 2009 at 10:20 am
that pic is actually from the prevously unreleased “Smokey and the Bandit 1 .5 Bandit Rapes”
February 27th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@ Meyton_Panning: hey shithead, didn’t you announce you were “done with this junk blog” … let me help you keep your word
/banninated
February 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
That’s some memory you got going there, flubby.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
The top pic? It’s the last known photo of Footsteps Falco.
Big Black Richard, + 100.
That made me spray a mouthful of water all over my fucking cubicle.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@ Needs More Cheerleaders
Agreed! Richard….big ups (pun intended)
February 27th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
“How do I get my girl to take out the hedging clippers on her bush without offending her?”
This one’s easy — volunteer to do it for her. If she asks why, tell her you do better at oral with less hair down there.
March 2nd, 2009 at 12:02 am
One good thing about being Catholic: confession. Our own little “Get Out of Jail Free” card if there is a heaven. And how come everyone who’s Irish is also half German (myself included)? Did our grandparents meet and fuck at the bar?
March 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am
Try and rail the 9. If it doesn’t work, the 7 will always be there to break your fall. Its low risk, high yield!