Welcome back for another week of the Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. This week we’re dispensing advice on such topics as porn guilt (nonsense), riding the Hershey highways (again), and the appropriateness of telling the object of your affection exactly how closely she resembles a porn star…after the jump.

Hey KSK:

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two young children now, and as you’d expect, our sex life is down to a minimum. I’m luck to get a quick ‘get-it-over-with’ doggy style session once or twice a month. Internet porn is filling the gap for now. I’m particularly fond of watching FFM threeways. (No chance I’ll ever participate in one however.) The problem is that I’ve started having a recurring nightmare in which my wife gets railed by two guys with cocks the size of tree stumps. I wake up in a cold sweat, all angry and pissed off, and when she asks what’s wrong I have to make up some other bullshit. Do you think it’s some sort of guilt complex that is causing this? Should I stop looking at internet porn? Could there be a reverse effect, as in watching MMF theeways online, and then maybe having a FFM dream starring me?

If you’re only having sex once a month then there is no reason to stop watching porn. There is nothing to feel guilty about, and if the dreams about your wife continue then it probably means she really is getting double-teamed John Henry and Paul Bunyan. Part of you already knows it, and this is your subconscious’s way of bringing it to the surface. I’ll bet you wish you’d never asked.

As for football, should the Falcons open the vault and go after Haynesworth, or should they look for D line help in the draft?

Thanks,

Confused guy in Canada

The Falcons do have quite a bit of room under the cap, but I’m not sure they’ll be too eager to throw around the kind of money it will take to get Haynesworth. They’ve already committed a lot of money to the d-line with John Abraham’s contract, and they’d be wise to build around him rather than bringing in a big free agent. Unfortunately the defensive tackle crop in this year’s draft is a bit slim.

Dear Sirs,

Interesting fantasy question for you. Keeper league, lose the pick where you drafted the player the year before. I’ve kept Adrian Peterson for 2 years and lost my 3rd round pick. But I signed Chris Johnson as a free agent last year, if I keep him I’d lose my 16th round pick. Snake draft, I think I have the 7th (postseason loser’s bracket determines the non playoff team draft order. I know, terrible idea. But they’re good friends so I stay in the league) pick. Keep AD and lose my 3rd rounder or Chris Johnson and lose my 16th?

Oh shit, that’s a tough spot. Peterson is as close to a sure thing as there is in fantasy right now, but it’s hard to overlook the value of getting one of the league’s most promising backs for next to nothing. Fuck, nobody told me this would be hard! Fuck it, keep Johnson and pray that PJ breaks or tears something important.

Philosophical sex question (not that you all care, but things are going well with the opposite sex): I’m 27, and getting older. No concerns about the biological clock, no candidates for long term right now, but was always curious and would like to hear your response. Friends have always said “Never settle”. So, how do you know if you’re not settling?

Btw, best shit on the internet. Thanks for providing me with entertainment and being part of my daily rotation of websites.

Thanks,

Brian

Only you can ever know if you’re settling. So ignore your douchebag friends and try asking yourself what kind of future you want. If you’re dream is to be fucking Eastern European call girls/sex slaves well into your fifties then you probably shouldn’t settle.

Dear Homosexual Cosa Nostra

So, I have a close friend who I think I may be picking up the “More than just friends” vibe from. She is probably one of my best female friends, if not the best one. She likes to drink like a fish, has a very conducive sense of humor to mine, and since this is one of my favorite sites you can kind of understand what that would be, and enjoys watching sports and other favorite television programs which I will not list here for fear of humiliations (on rhymes with cost). She is also gorgeous. The thing is recently I feel like I have been picking up a vibe that she wants more than just friendship. We have been hanging out for years but as of recently she has been inviting me to do more one on one stuff such as dinners, going to family functions and the like. This may or may not have been started when I invited her to Thanksgiving. She likes Asian guys, I am white, but the body type of the guys she dates is very similar to mine which is closest on a football field to a fullback. In the past, I have tried to date friends and when either rejected or things fall apart we agree to “stay friends” but things are always kind of awkward and avoidant. My question is, is there any possible way to investigate the sexual possibilities while still preserving the friendship or once I make my move has that ship completely sailed?

Yes, it’s called alcohol. The two of you need to get drunk (and/or stoned) and jump into that shallow pool head-first. And fuck, even if you do ruin the friendship it will probably be worth it.

As far as football, I like to taunt my Jets fan friends, which quarterback can I look forward to making fun of next season?

Yours in Christ,

John John The Bastard

HORSEBALLS!

KSK,

Sex: I don’t really have a question for this. I’m in a loving, stable relationship. So….got any good porn you wanna share?

You can’t just ask a guy to share his porn with you. Porn is a deeply personal thing, and frankly, I don’t know you well enough to tell you the kind of shit I’m in to.

Football: I’m a Panthers fan. What are the chances that next season won’t end with a drunken rage like this year?

-Will

Delhomme’s still in town and Peppers is on his way out. At least next year they won’t string you along with a playoff appearance. Feel free to fly into a drunken rage after the season ends during Week 17.

KSK:

Football: What’s the over/under on Tom Cable’s coaching career in Oakland? And who will he draft to ensure that fate?

I’ll set the over/under at 24 games. They should probably be replacing the thoroughly useless Robert Gallery through the draft, but in the first round they’ll be distracted by a shiny wide receiver. Jeremy Maclin is an obvious choice, but if Darrius Heyward-Bey lights up the combine he could be tempting for the Raiders to jump at.

Sex: It’s Valentine’s, I’ve got gifts, liquor, I’m gonna cook, I’ll bring music, I’m going to get on my knees and beg, because if there’s any way I don’t get anal sex this weekend it must certainly be a myth of folklore that I’ve heard about but can never prove exists, much like the elusive “Texans Winning Season” I can’t find. What can I do to ensure anal sex on Valentine’s, or what’s going to become of me if she won’t let me poke her brown eye? I’m marrying this girl, I can’t live my life not knowing.

Thanks,
ITS NOW OR NEVER

A reader sent us a sprawling email on this exact topic, but of course it’s way too graphic to even consider posting. At this point it all depends on how your girlfriend feels about the process. Believe it or not, some girls don’t consider anal to be an overly romantic sexual act. Put out a feeler, and don’t stop until she tells you. And remember, if she’s giggling while saying stop she doesn’t really mean it. If she’s crying then she’s probably serious.

Howdy Boys,

Been reading for a few months, have thought about writing in, but never did…but now, I need some advice.

But 1st a football question, its two-parter With Anquan Boldin being unhappy in Arizona, what are the chances he get traded and if so, do you see the Eagles trying for him, maybe giving up a combination of Lito Sheppard and/or one of the two 1st round picks they have? If they land him, I think it makes them instant contenders in the NFC next year.

The proposed trade could be mutually beneficial, but I’m not sold on Anquan leaving town just yet. He can bitch and moan all he wants, but give him a couple of months without Todd Haley screaming at him and he might ease up on his stance. If Fitzy is serious about giving up some money to keep ‘Quan the Eagles will have to keep shopping for a receiver. In free agency there’s still Housh, and…well yeah, just Housh.

Now the part the people read for. So, I’ve been a dry spell for a while, approximately my whole 22 year long life…Yeah, I’m a V-Card holder still. And with Valentine’s day approaching, I’m thinking I could end my drought, except for the fact that I’ve been hanging out/going out with a girl for a few weeks now. She seems into me, but nothing has really happened between us yet. I’ve tried to make a move a few times, but she’s always shrugged me off. My questions is, do I go out and try to pick up a girl on Valentine’s day and possibly make an ass out of myself because I don’t know what I’m doing, or do I stick with the girl and see if something more develops and take the chance of missing out on the lonely Valentine’s day girls?

Thanks guys,

-Mike in Philly

Girls who are all alone on Valentine’s Day aren’t out looking to score some virgin cock, they’re pining over their lack of a soul mate. You don’t want to have anything to do with that shit.

Dear all knowing douchebag I mean mail bag,

First the sex my best friend is sleeping with my roommates ex girlfriend while I have no problem with this my roommate would be pissed if he knew what our mutual friend was doing. Is it wrong to allow this am I breaking guy code because I have no problem with any of my friends banging my ex’s and also no problem with my buddy banging my roommates ex?

This has nothing to do with you, so it’s best to just stay the fuck out of it.

For Football I am in a 10 team league that was for a small amount of money. For next season I want to up the entrance fee for the league. It is currently at $20 and I want to up it too $100 the commish is worried it will scare people away how do I convince him without calling him a pussy?

Thanks guys looking forward to your answers.

Ken

Remind the pussy that a $100 entry breaks down to $6.25 per week for a 16 week fantasy season. Then call him a pussy again.

Sirens of the Dick Joke,

Sex: I work at a university and am constantly surrounded a plethora of lovely young coeds (not quite SEC poon, but good enough). There’s a girl at the school that I would love to get with, and I think she’s feeling me, too. She works in my department and always stops by my office to talk and chill out.

My question is, how should let her know I like her without leading to awkwardness between us from here on out? Secondly, if it does work, how do I keep our relationship on the low?

I know you’re thinking: stop being a pussy and just talk to her. But remember – since I’m staff, I’m technically not allowed to date any of the students (don’t worry, I’m 25 so it’s not like I’d be pulling the creepy old man card).

Well does she work with you, is she a student, or is she both? Fuck it, it’s college, ask her out the next time you have somewhere worth taking her and just wait for her to start rubbing up against you.

Football: Do you think DeAngelo Williams can repeat his measty performance from last season and is worthy of a high draft pick or spending a shitload of money on in next year’s fantasy draft/auction?

Will

No and no.

Fellow Assholes -

You may remember me as the person who emailed in the picture of the douche in the Santonio Holmes jersey and capri pants (but probably not).

“Sex” question: There is a girl at work I’m good friends with and she’s quite cute. Neither of us are in a relationship. We pick up lunch together pretty frequently, and meet up outside of work on occasion. The situation is remarkably sexual-tension-free despite the fact that we are pretty much right in each other’s wheelhouse. I would totally do her, but it’s not going to happen because we never seem to end up in the same place when the night is winding down, when one could make such advances. I’m not about to go out of my way for it either, being that we work together and everything. Well… I was watching a porn the other day and one of the girls in it looked just like her.

I know it wasn’t actually her, because the porn star’s tits were too big, but I’m not gonna lie, it really did it for me. I guess the question is, if I ever brought this up to her (aside from the part that it turned me on), even jokingly, on a scale of “1″ to “Never ever fucking talking to me again”, what do you think her reaction would be? Is there even an outside chance that she’d want to see for herself?

If there’s one thing I know about women it’s that they love being told how much they resemble porn stars. Hell, tell her how much bigger the porn stars tits are and she’ll be begging you to take her to fucktown.

Football question: How should the Giants fill in the gap left by Plaxifucko? I say, if they can’t trade for Anquan Boldin they should sign TJ Houshmanzadeh.

Thanks.

Signed,
Please don’t use my real name as it will probably ruin my life.

The Giants aren’t going to have the money to spend on a receiver like Quan or Housh. Eli’s about to get seriously paid, and they’ll need to re-up at least one of their running backs.

Thanks to everyone for their questions, even the really shitty ones.