KSK Fantasy Football And Sex Advice Mailbag: Internet Porn Guilt, Another Virgin, and Porn Star Lookalikes
Welcome back for another week of the Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. This week we’re dispensing advice on such topics as porn guilt (nonsense), riding the Hershey highways (again), and the appropriateness of telling the object of your affection exactly how closely she resembles a porn star…after the jump.
Hey KSK:
My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two young children now, and as you’d expect, our sex life is down to a minimum. I’m luck to get a quick ‘get-it-over-with’ doggy style session once or twice a month. Internet porn is filling the gap for now. I’m particularly fond of watching FFM threeways. (No chance I’ll ever participate in one however.) The problem is that I’ve started having a recurring nightmare in which my wife gets railed by two guys with cocks the size of tree stumps. I wake up in a cold sweat, all angry and pissed off, and when she asks what’s wrong I have to make up some other bullshit. Do you think it’s some sort of guilt complex that is causing this? Should I stop looking at internet porn? Could there be a reverse effect, as in watching MMF theeways online, and then maybe having a FFM dream starring me?
If you’re only having sex once a month then there is no reason to stop watching porn. There is nothing to feel guilty about, and if the dreams about your wife continue then it probably means she really is getting double-teamed John Henry and Paul Bunyan. Part of you already knows it, and this is your subconscious’s way of bringing it to the surface. I’ll bet you wish you’d never asked.
As for football, should the Falcons open the vault and go after Haynesworth, or should they look for D line help in the draft?
Thanks,
Confused guy in Canada
The Falcons do have quite a bit of room under the cap, but I’m not sure they’ll be too eager to throw around the kind of money it will take to get Haynesworth. They’ve already committed a lot of money to the d-line with John Abraham’s contract, and they’d be wise to build around him rather than bringing in a big free agent. Unfortunately the defensive tackle crop in this year’s draft is a bit slim.
Dear Sirs,
Interesting fantasy question for you. Keeper league, lose the pick where you drafted the player the year before. I’ve kept Adrian Peterson for 2 years and lost my 3rd round pick. But I signed Chris Johnson as a free agent last year, if I keep him I’d lose my 16th round pick. Snake draft, I think I have the 7th (postseason loser’s bracket determines the non playoff team draft order. I know, terrible idea. But they’re good friends so I stay in the league) pick. Keep AD and lose my 3rd rounder or Chris Johnson and lose my 16th?
Oh shit, that’s a tough spot. Peterson is as close to a sure thing as there is in fantasy right now, but it’s hard to overlook the value of getting one of the league’s most promising backs for next to nothing. Fuck, nobody told me this would be hard! Fuck it, keep Johnson and pray that PJ breaks or tears something important.
Philosophical sex question (not that you all care, but things are going well with the opposite sex): I’m 27, and getting older. No concerns about the biological clock, no candidates for long term right now, but was always curious and would like to hear your response. Friends have always said “Never settle”. So, how do you know if you’re not settling?
Btw, best shit on the internet. Thanks for providing me with entertainment and being part of my daily rotation of websites.
Thanks,
Brian
Only you can ever know if you’re settling. So ignore your douchebag friends and try asking yourself what kind of future you want. If you’re dream is to be fucking Eastern European call girls/sex slaves well into your fifties then you probably shouldn’t settle.
Dear Homosexual Cosa Nostra
So, I have a close friend who I think I may be picking up the “More than just friends” vibe from. She is probably one of my best female friends, if not the best one. She likes to drink like a fish, has a very conducive sense of humor to mine, and since this is one of my favorite sites you can kind of understand what that would be, and enjoys watching sports and other favorite television programs which I will not list here for fear of humiliations (on rhymes with cost). She is also gorgeous. The thing is recently I feel like I have been picking up a vibe that she wants more than just friendship. We have been hanging out for years but as of recently she has been inviting me to do more one on one stuff such as dinners, going to family functions and the like. This may or may not have been started when I invited her to Thanksgiving. She likes Asian guys, I am white, but the body type of the guys she dates is very similar to mine which is closest on a football field to a fullback. In the past, I have tried to date friends and when either rejected or things fall apart we agree to “stay friends” but things are always kind of awkward and avoidant. My question is, is there any possible way to investigate the sexual possibilities while still preserving the friendship or once I make my move has that ship completely sailed?
Yes, it’s called alcohol. The two of you need to get drunk (and/or stoned) and jump into that shallow pool head-first. And fuck, even if you do ruin the friendship it will probably be worth it.
As far as football, I like to taunt my Jets fan friends, which quarterback can I look forward to making fun of next season?
Yours in Christ,
John John The Bastard
HORSEBALLS!
KSK,
Sex: I don’t really have a question for this. I’m in a loving, stable relationship. So….got any good porn you wanna share?
You can’t just ask a guy to share his porn with you. Porn is a deeply personal thing, and frankly, I don’t know you well enough to tell you the kind of shit I’m in to.
Football: I’m a Panthers fan. What are the chances that next season won’t end with a drunken rage like this year?
-Will
Delhomme’s still in town and Peppers is on his way out. At least next year they won’t string you along with a playoff appearance. Feel free to fly into a drunken rage after the season ends during Week 17.
KSK:
Football: What’s the over/under on Tom Cable’s coaching career in Oakland? And who will he draft to ensure that fate?
I’ll set the over/under at 24 games. They should probably be replacing the thoroughly useless Robert Gallery through the draft, but in the first round they’ll be distracted by a shiny wide receiver. Jeremy Maclin is an obvious choice, but if Darrius Heyward-Bey lights up the combine he could be tempting for the Raiders to jump at.
Sex: It’s Valentine’s, I’ve got gifts, liquor, I’m gonna cook, I’ll bring music, I’m going to get on my knees and beg, because if there’s any way I don’t get anal sex this weekend it must certainly be a myth of folklore that I’ve heard about but can never prove exists, much like the elusive “Texans Winning Season” I can’t find. What can I do to ensure anal sex on Valentine’s, or what’s going to become of me if she won’t let me poke her brown eye? I’m marrying this girl, I can’t live my life not knowing.
Thanks,
ITS NOW OR NEVER
A reader sent us a sprawling email on this exact topic, but of course it’s way too graphic to even consider posting. At this point it all depends on how your girlfriend feels about the process. Believe it or not, some girls don’t consider anal to be an overly romantic sexual act. Put out a feeler, and don’t stop until she tells you. And remember, if she’s giggling while saying stop she doesn’t really mean it. If she’s crying then she’s probably serious.
Howdy Boys,
Been reading for a few months, have thought about writing in, but never did…but now, I need some advice.
But 1st a football question, its two-parter With Anquan Boldin being unhappy in Arizona, what are the chances he get traded and if so, do you see the Eagles trying for him, maybe giving up a combination of Lito Sheppard and/or one of the two 1st round picks they have? If they land him, I think it makes them instant contenders in the NFC next year.
The proposed trade could be mutually beneficial, but I’m not sold on Anquan leaving town just yet. He can bitch and moan all he wants, but give him a couple of months without Todd Haley screaming at him and he might ease up on his stance. If Fitzy is serious about giving up some money to keep ‘Quan the Eagles will have to keep shopping for a receiver. In free agency there’s still Housh, and…well yeah, just Housh.
Now the part the people read for. So, I’ve been a dry spell for a while, approximately my whole 22 year long life…Yeah, I’m a V-Card holder still. And with Valentine’s day approaching, I’m thinking I could end my drought, except for the fact that I’ve been hanging out/going out with a girl for a few weeks now. She seems into me, but nothing has really happened between us yet. I’ve tried to make a move a few times, but she’s always shrugged me off. My questions is, do I go out and try to pick up a girl on Valentine’s day and possibly make an ass out of myself because I don’t know what I’m doing, or do I stick with the girl and see if something more develops and take the chance of missing out on the lonely Valentine’s day girls?
Thanks guys,
-Mike in Philly
Girls who are all alone on Valentine’s Day aren’t out looking to score some virgin cock, they’re pining over their lack of a soul mate. You don’t want to have anything to do with that shit.
Dear all knowing douchebag I mean mail bag,
First the sex my best friend is sleeping with my roommates ex girlfriend while I have no problem with this my roommate would be pissed if he knew what our mutual friend was doing. Is it wrong to allow this am I breaking guy code because I have no problem with any of my friends banging my ex’s and also no problem with my buddy banging my roommates ex?
This has nothing to do with you, so it’s best to just stay the fuck out of it.
For Football I am in a 10 team league that was for a small amount of money. For next season I want to up the entrance fee for the league. It is currently at $20 and I want to up it too $100 the commish is worried it will scare people away how do I convince him without calling him a pussy?
Thanks guys looking forward to your answers.
Ken
Remind the pussy that a $100 entry breaks down to $6.25 per week for a 16 week fantasy season. Then call him a pussy again.
Sirens of the Dick Joke,
Sex: I work at a university and am constantly surrounded a plethora of lovely young coeds (not quite SEC poon, but good enough). There’s a girl at the school that I would love to get with, and I think she’s feeling me, too. She works in my department and always stops by my office to talk and chill out.
My question is, how should let her know I like her without leading to awkwardness between us from here on out? Secondly, if it does work, how do I keep our relationship on the low?
I know you’re thinking: stop being a pussy and just talk to her. But remember – since I’m staff, I’m technically not allowed to date any of the students (don’t worry, I’m 25 so it’s not like I’d be pulling the creepy old man card).
Well does she work with you, is she a student, or is she both? Fuck it, it’s college, ask her out the next time you have somewhere worth taking her and just wait for her to start rubbing up against you.
Football: Do you think DeAngelo Williams can repeat his measty performance from last season and is worthy of a high draft pick or spending a shitload of money on in next year’s fantasy draft/auction?
Will
No and no.
Fellow Assholes -
You may remember me as the person who emailed in the picture of the douche in the Santonio Holmes jersey and capri pants (but probably not).
“Sex” question: There is a girl at work I’m good friends with and she’s quite cute. Neither of us are in a relationship. We pick up lunch together pretty frequently, and meet up outside of work on occasion. The situation is remarkably sexual-tension-free despite the fact that we are pretty much right in each other’s wheelhouse. I would totally do her, but it’s not going to happen because we never seem to end up in the same place when the night is winding down, when one could make such advances. I’m not about to go out of my way for it either, being that we work together and everything. Well… I was watching a porn the other day and one of the girls in it looked just like her.
I know it wasn’t actually her, because the porn star’s tits were too big, but I’m not gonna lie, it really did it for me. I guess the question is, if I ever brought this up to her (aside from the part that it turned me on), even jokingly, on a scale of “1″ to “Never ever fucking talking to me again”, what do you think her reaction would be? Is there even an outside chance that she’d want to see for herself?
If there’s one thing I know about women it’s that they love being told how much they resemble porn stars. Hell, tell her how much bigger the porn stars tits are and she’ll be begging you to take her to fucktown.
Football question: How should the Giants fill in the gap left by Plaxifucko? I say, if they can’t trade for Anquan Boldin they should sign TJ Houshmanzadeh.
Thanks.
Signed,
Please don’t use my real name as it will probably ruin my life.
The Giants aren’t going to have the money to spend on a receiver like Quan or Housh. Eli’s about to get seriously paid, and they’ll need to re-up at least one of their running backs.
Thanks to everyone for their questions, even the really shitty ones.
Tags: All SIC, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Unsilent Majority
February 12th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Christ on a cracker this week’s is depressing.
Answer to all sex questions: Stop being a pussy and be honest with the girl/wife/fiancee/call girl in question. Honesty is respected; being an introspective, Lord Byron-level pussy about sex is not.
Answer to all football questions: The 2009 season will be significantly-to-slightly different than the 2008 season.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Because I figure the Gay Mafia would enjoy hearing news of a success, I was the one last week who asked about the girl who was potentially insane with the issues about her papa. I haven’t quite weaseled my way into her dewy underparts, but she has previously described herself shamelessly as a sure thing and we are going to be together on Saturday. Thank you, sirs, you are princes of Maine, kings of New New England
February 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Also, for the love of God, keep PJ and CJ. Keep them both. You lose one decent and one shitty pick, and gain a phefuckingnomenal tandem of backs.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@Jay: I mean you no ill, but I can tell you quite surely that no girl on this planet is a “sure thing” until your penis is inside her. Don’t get your hopes up too much.
For reference: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29357
And good luck, sir.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
“And remember, if she’s giggling while saying stop she doesn’t really mean it. If she’s crying then she’s probably serious.”
If she’s giggling, she’s probably thinking “thanks for using a rectal thermometer to check my temperature, needle dick.”
If she’s crying………….., wait, you’re supposed to stop if she’s crying? Do I stop if the crying is turning me on? What if she’s tied up and crying thru the gag? I mean, come on, I went thru all the trouble to stalk, drug and tie her up, now you want me to stop? Gee whiz!
February 12th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Really? Only one question abotu Anal this week? I feel let down.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
About f–king time!
Confused: Your dreaming of the opposite of your fantasies. And don’t go after Haynesworth.
Brian: FAHK YOU! AD Or CJ? And if you get to 32 and are thinking “I know she’s clingy and has one boob, but…” you’re settling.
John the Bastard: Either stay friends or rail her. There’s no fence sitting on this one.
Will: Porn makes everything better. And you’re a Panthers fan after they won the NFC South. Prepare for the rage.
INON: Cable – 5 games and drafts Crabtree or Maclin. And anal is like tequila, you start off slowly before bringing it in.
Mike: TO will be available soon. And go with the friend, get hammered and end up naked on the couch.
Ken: Guy Code 101: NEVER Rat out your friend. And throw the commish a bonus fee for hiking the cost.
Will2: Ask her out for a drink after working late one night. And just say not to DeAngelo.
Please: I know what you mean. I’ve met 2 girls who look like porn whores. Don’t bring it up. Women don’t find it appealing.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I’m actually still looking for confirmation on a late discussion from last week – does a girl who was born in Russia but moved to Australia at age 5, speaks with an Aussie accent and rides on an Australian passport count punch a ticket on the Oceania card? I believe the topic was brought up by dinosaur.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Am I allowed to write/send pictures again yet?
February 12th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
@Zack: nope. She still punches the Euro card.
If a girl from China moves to the US, grows up here and speaks with our dialects, she’s still punching the Asia side of the bingo card.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
If a girl lets you hit it from behind only twice a month she has already moved on, even if it’s only in her mind.
And don’t tell a girl you have a crush on that she resembles a porn star. Even if she likes you she will fill her brain with A: you watch too much porn. B: you only see her as a sex object, and C: how in the hell is she suposed to live up to porn star standards in bed? Bad idea all around.
Most girls like porn, by the way. They just are shy when it comes to talking about it.
As for anal, we need to be warmed up to it. A little vibrator action a few times before the dipstick goes in will loosen it up and relax the girl, trust.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@Jay, let’s get a full report on Monday. And Zack is right… no girl is a sure thing until you are all the way up in tha nanni.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
“And remember, if she’s giggling while saying stop she doesn’t really mean it. If she’s crying then she’s probably serious.”
Where were you when Kobe needed you?
February 12th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I think I wasn’t clear enough on my question. I work FOR the university so I’m a member of the staff. She’s a student; thus off limits. So I’m trying to gauge her interest without blowing up my spot, because if it doesn’t work out, then that would be utterly awkward.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I was eagerly awaiting this week’s mailbag. My tension grew as it got later and later. I thought, wow this week is going to be spectacular. It’s so bizzare they are having a hard time coming up with advice.
And then we get this: Sex: I don’t really have a question for this. I’m in a loving, stable relationship. So….got any good porn you wanna share?
Are you fucking kidding me Will? A loving, stable relationship? Who cares? We wanna hear about your fucking sex life!
I demand you write in next week with some sex secrets. We’ll be the ones to judge whether you’re relationship is loving and stable.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
@VCS: If she is cool with you already, I doubt she’d cause any major problems from an ill-read move on your part (though the first few weeks would be awkward). Just keep it all as quiet as possible.
And should you somehow lose your job, just do the wise thing and blame it on the economy.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
i wanna know what kind of porn punter’s into, not unsilent. that dude has to be into shit so sick it’ll disturb someone who likes piss bukkake fisting gangbangs.
also, UM likes interracial porn, possibly with DP. guarantee.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
* Quick disclaimer – my relationship advice should not be trusted by anyone, ever.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
So, which porn star does she look like?
February 12th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@virgin connie swayle: just add her on facebook. everyone knows a facebook friend request is basically an invitation to sex.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
When it comes to anal (or any of life’s endeavors), remember this:
Ask for forgiveness, not permission. Forgiveness is a whole lot easier to get.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
@vcs: Are you at a seriously religiously affiliated university? Because otherwise, unless she’s 17, it’s my experience that no one is going to care unless she files a complaint. Department heads have so much crap to deal with that they get really pissed off at complaints. I’m also unfamiliar with official rulings on fac/staff dating students. Hell, I know at several faculty couples who started off as fac/student relationships. Also, how long until she graduates? If she’s walking in May/June, you should be fine to jump in right now.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
There are three male responses to any sexual dilema:
1) I’ll do it. But this time it’ll be different!
2) I’ll do it. I know I’m gonna pay later, but fuck it, I’m getting laid!
3) I won’t do it. I’ve got a good thing going and I won’t risk it.
#3 doesn’t get a lot of play with the guys.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
@Maj: I can only assume that this is the type of romantic skill that landed you Schorno.
February 12th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
She’s a sophomore right now, so my plan was to see what’s up now, then hopefully parlay it into a summer fling and see where it goes from there.
Working at a college is a gift and a curse.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Or you can wait until she turns 21, so you’re not spending time getting drunk in her dorm room.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
That said, I still say go for it.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I too work at a institute of higher learning (University for you douchebags) and only Profs and custodians can bang students.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
@ Animal Mother: If your turned on by the crying you should have auditioned as the Yellow Bastard.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Before we forget, middle brunette is the best of the bunch.
And VCS, I stand by what I said. Go out with her for a drink after work and feel out whether or not she has Daddy issues. That should let you know whether or not you can get up in them guts without fear of retribution/loss of work.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
i dated a girl who had a nice resemblance to Jenna Haze – she didn’t have the same bedroom acumen though.
February 12th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
The brunette in the middle is definitely the best. I love that pose that only women can do; shifting her balance to one leg and thrusting that shapely hip outward while curving her upper body the other way. Now THAT’S Contrapposta, homes.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Also, the girls of the picture are from Telemundo.
CHINGA. Y. SÍ.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I could be misreading, but did that guy just refer to a porn star’s tits as “too big”? It’s porn, that’s the idea.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
@VCS: Ok, that’s a little young if you’re staff. You don’t teach or TA her class/section/lab do you? That’s out of bounds.
Possible work around: could you jump into a mid-term class in some other department/division of the university? Then you’re both students.
February 12th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
a college sophomore is way too young to risk your job (especially in this economy) over. Find another vaj
February 12th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
@ Oh, Chet: Lord Byron pulled more ass than all of us commenters put together.
Anal, too!
February 12th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
@VCS: Chances of a sophomore girl keeping her mouth shut about sleeping with a hot (I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here) 25-year old member of the university staff are extremely low. Even if she is cool with whatever happens between you two, someone else who hears about your relationship may not be. You pretty much have to assume that you’re gonna get fired if you sleep with her. So, the smart thing to do would be to bang her every which way and up, so that the sex is at least worth the consequences.
/turns in Woman Card.
February 12th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
@Reggie: Fair enough. That’s actually my own philosophy on the subject (it’s where she was born that counts) but I figured I’d submit the question for peer review. Looks like I haven’t accomplished the “Continental” quite yet.
February 12th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I think I’m gonna go with Nitro’s advice. As much as I love the ladies, I love a steady source of income even more. I can hold out until she graduates, or at least transfers to another school.
February 12th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
“All sic,” Maj? Surely, some of the questions might be a bit deviant, but there’s no need to be judgmental!
February 12th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
@VCS,
I’m a little confused with your definition of “staff” at this university, since it makes a world of difference whether you push papers in the financial aid office or are a Grad Assistant/the girl’s TA. It seems to me that Slothrop gave the righteous advice that I would have offered and later comments threw in the caveats about potential conflicts of interest if you have her as a student.
I assume you don’t work at Falwell’s school or some other super strict institution, and it stands to reason that a rule prohibiting you from dating girls outside of your department or program would be ludicrous. Thus, even if there are forces keeping you from nailing the Sophomore now, I don’t see how every other girl at the University is off limits.
Realistically, we know that professors and TA’s date former students relatively frequently. My advice is find the specific set of guidelines that tell you what behavior is forbidden, be it in a Grad student or departmental handbook. If it fails to address your issue, find a faculty member/administrator who you trust and run the hypothetical by that person. If you are uncomfortable doing that, straight up email or pop into someone working for your school’s Office of the General Counsel and ask that person your hypo. It may be embarrassing, but it clears up a lot of the boundaries and I know of dozens of Grad Assistants at universities all over the country who have had this identical conversation with faculty members.
That said, Swing4 is correct; there is no way in Hell that a 19 year old girl could keep her mouth shut about getting drilled by a someone in your apparent position, so you may need to let a little time elapse, like an extra semester, so as to avoid an appearance of impropriety. Still, like I said, I find it hard to believe that you are forbidden from dating every woman there.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:06 am
She seems into me, but nothing has really happened between us yet. I’ve tried to make a move a few times, but she’s always shrugged me off.
Mike, stop wasting your time with this bitch. If she’s shrugged you off multiple times already, she’s just not into you. Period. A girl is either attracted to you or she isn’t, and if she isn’t, it’s not going to somehow happen over time.
If all you want is to get laid, find a girl that wants to get laid. In 2008, I’d estimate that 99.999874% of all women in America are looking to fuck. Don’t hang around with a fucking ice queen.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:15 am
That should probably be 2009. Jesus…
“And remember, if she’s giggling while saying stop she doesn’t really mean it. If she’s crying then she’s probably serious.”
Where were you when Kobe needed you?
Porky1 : + 4 million. Buy her a nice ring from it would ya?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:36 am
I’ve never understood this fixation on anal. You’d think pussy and mouth would be good enough.
RE female friend’s resemblance to porn star: she’s probably not gonna take it as a compliment. And she’ll think it’s creepy. She’ll be picturing you jerking it to porn while thinking of her. If she thinks you wanna bone her, she probably assumes you’ve wanked while thinking of her, but telling her you think she looks like a porno chick is kinda rubbing her face in it, so to speak. And for chrissake, don’t offer to show her the porno. Ew.
RE virgin: sorry, I may be fresh out of virgin advice. I agree with KSK that lonely women are not out looking for desperate dick on Valentine’s Day, they’re at home watching “Sleepless in Seattle” or some other shitty chick flick and eating their weight in ice cream and potato chips. Take the chick you’ve been hanging with out, get her just drunk enough to put out, but not so drunk that you could be accused of date rape. If she puts out, cool. If not, well, dump her.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:40 am
And RE Jay: apparently dudes never think fucking a crazy chick is a bad idea until she’s texting him a hundred times a day and showing up at his workplace. Not worth it, man.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:22 am
HELLO EVERYONE
February 13th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Maybe it’s just me, but that picture just doesn’t seem right without at least two of those chicks smoking a cigarette.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Mike, stop wasting your time with this bitch. If she’s shrugged you off multiple times already, she’s just not into you. Period. A girl is either attracted to you or she isn’t, and if she isn’t, it’s not going to somehow happen over time.
100% true. You will never change a girl’s mind from “No” to “Yes” by giving it time. It’s just not going to happen.
I’ve never understood this fixation on anal. You’d think pussy and mouth would be good enough.
As Sam Kinison once said, “I didn’t want it until she told me I couldn’t have it.”
February 13th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Okay, so here’s one for the Gay Mafia, and KSK in general.
I started seeing this girl a few weeks ago. She’s freaky as all hell, and down to fuck basically all the time. Now, three problems.
1) There’s this brown stuff that comes out of her right nipple, and it’s freaking me the fuck out, because whenever I squeeze her tits it comes shooting out like a goddamn fountain. How do I explain this to her without getting punched in the dick?
2) She’s adamantly opposed to shaving The Promised Land. We’re talking full on jungle snatch. It’s not that bad, because she doesn’t like guys dining at the Y, but it’s still kinda gross. I mean, I trim and shave the boys. How do I convince her to clear up the brush a little bit?
3) She’s really into S&M. She’s had some pretty sick shit done to her, pain wise. How do I explain that I draw the line , abuse wise, at anything that could be used against me in court later?
February 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@MB: I’d say you need to run away from her stat. But that’s just me. Maybe I’m a pussy.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Oh, and the 2nd girl from the right is the best of that lot.
True story.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
“I’m thinking I could end my drought, except for the fact that I’ve been hanging out/going out with a girl for a few weeks now. She seems into me, but nothing has really happened between us yet.”
-Peeping through her bedroom window from your treehouse doesn’t count at hanging out/going out
February 13th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
“How do I explain that I draw the line , abuse wise, at anything that could be used against me in court later?”
I would carve it into her thigh with a soldering iron.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@ Needs More Cheerleaders & Slash:
I think the reason she’s shrugged me off is not because she doesn’t want to, it’s been her that initiated a few of the make-out/heavy petting sessions. I think it’s because we’re not really together yet, we’re kinda still in the beginning of the dating stage. She’s the kind of girl who doesn’t hook up with guys like that. And she definitely has long term potential, which is what I’m looking for…but at the same time, I’m tired of being a virgin. I think I’m going to stick with her.
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp: I’d rather get FredEx back, than get TO back…fuck that shit.
February 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
“but of course it’s way too graphic to even consider posting.”
EXCUSE ME? since when is anything ever TOO GRAPHIC to talk about on this site? i was practically crucified for withholding insults and such in Pro Bowlkakke!
February 14th, 2009 at 7:51 am
@Zack: In my opinion, if she’s got Aussie citizenship, and if her personality is fully Australian culture, then you can check off the Oceania box. Congrats on completing the Continental. What’s your next challenge?
February 14th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
@Richard: A much more ambitious challenge would be to go for every country on the planet – but I’m actually retired these days. I’ve met “the one.”
February 14th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
@Zack: That would be quite an expensive challenge. I wonder how much money it would take to pull that one off? There’s something like 180 countries, and some of them are expensive as hell to fly to.
Falkland Islands would be a challenge. I think there’s only 4000 people living there.
February 14th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
@Richard: It’s much more manageable if you let them come to you. What worked for me (up to a point) was getting a job as a bartender in a location where women from around the world came on vacation. But yeah, getting to the finish line would be damn near impossible. Which isn’t to say that nobody out there has ever done it, or that nobody should bother trying.
February 15th, 2009 at 6:36 am
@ all y’all waiting for an update, I have three words and an action for you: Oh.
Shit.
*don the glasses*
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
July 11th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
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