Jokes For Dan Marino To Use At The Larry The Cable Guy Roast
I’ll watch pretty much any Comedy Central Roast special, though I liked it more when the roasts took place at the Friar’s Club and they made fun of people worthy of being honored. Nowadays, they’ll roast just about any retard out there, and the coming roast of Larry the Cable Guy (nee Dan Whitney) is definitive proof that they’ve now run out of folks to rip on.
There won’t be a whole lot of “we’re roasting you out of affection” sentiment at this shindig. Larry the Cable Guy is a brutally unfunny piece of shit and I hope someone strangles him to death with his own torn-off sleeves. God, I fucking hate him. And the fucking mouth-breathing tardbillies who are fans of his. If you’re the sort of person who attends a Larry the Cable Guy show, just know that I hope that the theater you see him in is run by Great White’s tour manager.
Anyway, the stable of roasters for Larry contains the usual suspects: Jeffrey Ross, Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli (She fucks black guys! Hilarious!), and… uh… Dan Marino. Why Dan Marino? Hey, why not?! Everyone loves the comedic stylings of Dan Marino. Just ask Boomer Esiason!
You see how Dan pretends like he wants to tear out Boomer’s intestines and string a banjo with them? Good one, Dan. Hey Dan, got any more of that gum?
If you’re familiar with the history of these roasts, you know that all of the non-comedian roasters are fucking death. I don’t want to see that happen to poor Dan. “Hey Larry, your comedy reminds me of Bernie Parmalee’s cutback ability! IT SUCKS!” That’s not comedy befitting a Hall of Famer. Ideally, I’d like Marino to strap Dan Whitney to a gurney and throw frozen Hutch footballs right at his fucking eyes, but I’m quite sure they won’t allow that.
So here now, free for Dan to use, is a proper set of roasting jokes for Larry the Cable Guy. Good luck, Dan. AND TEAR THAT FUCKING FAUXNECK A NEW BEARHOLE.
-“Glad to be here to honor Dan Whitney tonight. Dan’s father was also going to be here tonight. But he’s dead.”
-“Dan’s a good friend of mine. I remember seeing him in Mobile, Alabama. Really brought the house down that night. I even remember his first joke: ‘Say, what’s with all them niggers today?’ The crowd went WILD.”
-“I haven’t seen that many rednecks laughing together since King was shot.”
-“Dan’s a great comedian, though. He’s the only comedian I know who performs in whiteface.”
-“And you know, it’s appropriate that I’m here to roast you, Dan. After all, your fanbase consists of the only people left who still wear Isotoners as driving gloves.”
-“God dammit, you are one unfunny asshole. You tell jokes for people who think Jim Varney’s humor was far too nuanced. Your jokes are broader than the octuplet mom’s birth canal.”
-”And will you get the fuck off of Comedy Central already? I can’t turn to this channel without seeing your fat ass being anything but comedic. At least Mind of Mencia is only half an hour long.”
-“Were you upset when you got passed over for Paul Blart: Mall Cop?”
-”Jeff Foxworthy’s here. Hey Jeff, if you’re still telling redneck jokes after two decades, you might be a fucking hack.”
-“Dan, I loved seeing you on the Blue Collar comedy tour. That’s the comedy tour for people who are too poor too afford to see a real comedian, yes?”
-“Seriously, though. You’re about as funny as baby rape. Hey Dan, you know what’s funny? BROWN PEOPLE WHO DON’T TALK THAT THERE ENGLISH SO GOOD! THEM’S PEOPLE ARE STUPID! Don’t you think we should douse those people in gasoline and light them on fire? HILARIOUS!”
-“Saw Delta Farce the other night. Last time I saw an abortion like that was when Chris Brown punched Lisa Lampanelli in the stomach.”
-“Jesus Christ, you are a fucking hack. Hearing your jokes makes me want to move next to a Buffalo airstrip.”
-“Dan, Mark Duper was going to be with here with me tonight. Unfortunately, your fans lynched him at the door.”
-“Here’s my question. What fucking redneck out there wears a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off? You fucking phony. You’re about as authentic as Rachel Maddow’s strap-on.”
-“And what the fuck is with all phony rednecks using ‘the’ as a middle name now? You got Larry the Cable Guy. You got Joe the Plumber. Oh, and then there’s Larry’s mom, Gladys the Bicycle.”
-“Few people know this, but Dan got into the business as part of a family act. The story, apparently, was that one day Dan brought his family into a talent agent’s office. And Dan said to the agent that he had a great new family act to show him. And the agent said okay, show me what you do. And with that, Dan took a glass vase and smashed the shit out of his wife’s head with it. Then he jumped on top of her and just started stomping the shit out of her until the skin was peeling off her face. Then he grabbed his daughter and started pissing all over her, saying retard shit like GIT R DONE and I DON’ CARE WHO Y’ARE, THAT’S FUNNY. Then he anally raped his daughter with his son’s head.
“’Interesting act,’ said the agent. ‘What do you call it?’
“And Dan said, ‘A Cheap, Cynical Attempt At Winning Over Extreme Right Wing Audiences!’
“Isn’t that a funny joke, Dan? FUCK YOU.”
Yours in the comments.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, god even his picture makes me want to shoot him dead, ksk roasts, looking forward to ottoman's material
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February 17th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I hate that motherfucker so much. I really don’t have anything else to say.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:02 am
so let me get this straight…comedy central roasts people that were popular like 4 years ago and that i forgot about until they roast them?
February 17th, 2009 at 10:12 am
The “whiteface” and “fauxneck” tags pretty much sum it up. You’re a guy who grew up in suburban Nebraska and attended private school, asswipe.
Hard to believe, but he was even less funny before he adopted the redneck schtick.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:17 am
@Otto, I’m not sure who I hate more. You for that link or my-self for watching that.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Mobile, AL is actually a friendly. Try Scottsboro; now THERES a small town with acceptance issues.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Mobile, AL is actually a friendly place*
February 17th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Whooowee, you was funny in ‘Cars.’ Now, can you stand right there while I drive a tow-truck over you? I’d sure like to get that dun you twit.
/’Cars’ sucks.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:20 am
No, no. Those are the wrong choices — all our hatred should be directed at Dan Whitney.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Hey Dan, I saw your old act where you talked normal and wore a button down shirt. Now look at you. I haven’t seen a white-trash related transformation this radical since JonBenet went from young beauty queen to dead bitch.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:23 am
That Aristocrats joke gets better everytime I hear it.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:34 am
* there’s a two fart joke minimum
February 17th, 2009 at 10:38 am
The only thing they’re going to roast him about all night is being a fake ass redneck. If they were gonna pick a guy with one focal point, couldn’t it at least have been Ron White aka Tater Salad and his drinking? At least he’s funny.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:46 am
looking forward to ottoman’s material
I just saw this tag. I think Drew pretty much nailed it, but as long as I’ve been called out…
“Say what you will about the Larry the Cable Guy bullshit, but not many actors would’ve had the courage to play Sling Blade as broad comedy.”
“As the shut-ins in the audience know, Dan and I appeared together in a painfully unfunny ad for NutriSystem. The company wanted him because they realized no one better captured the spirit of ‘useless dead weight’ than Dan Whitney.”
“As much as we’ve all enjoyed the Larry the Cable Guy schtick, we’re really looking forward to Dan’s next authentic character — Sanjay the DirecTV Installer. ‘I am getting it done, yes sir.’”
February 17th, 2009 at 10:49 am
DO IT, TO IT.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Goddamn, this is vintage Drew. You certainly ‘[got] ir done’ on this one
/standing O
//wishes Comedy Central hired BDD to be a roaster
February 17th, 2009 at 10:54 am
“Few people know this, but Ron White was actually the one who recommended Larry to try NutriSystem. Ron figured that since he was carrying him for all those years, Larry could do him a favor and lighten the fucking load.”
February 17th, 2009 at 10:56 am
He’s like a low-brow Marshawn Lynch.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I don’t think the guy is funny either. You might try what I do: I don’t watch ‘im.
Problem solved.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:57 am
“Bill Engvall is here tonight. Christ, he sucks worse than Shannon Sharpe’s diction coach.”
February 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
“You may have noticed that Dan has the preamble to the Constitution tattooed on his arm. It’s an odd choice, given that Dan is so fucking stupid, he thinks a ‘preamble to the constitutional’ is the waddle-walk he does on his way to take a shit.”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am
“I’m actually quite jealous of Larry the Cable Guy’s success. Lord knows how I wish I could sell retards millions of camo trucker hats that say ‘LACES OUT DAN.’”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:08 am
“Miley Cyrus is here tonight. Oh, she’s not actually in the audience… she’s tied up in the back of Larry’s van.”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Otto: Look for Dan to star in his next big flop “A Preamble Too Far”. (its a dramaty)
February 17th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Everything BDD wrote is funnier than anything that will be said on the “roast.” BDD and Otto should tour. The Gay Mafia on tour. Awesomeness.
Anybody besides me remember when cable TV was supposed to be a mostly commercial-free oasis of cutting edge content that the networks were too regulated to show? Now it’s just fart jokes and the same shitty-ass movies 12 times a week. Now, I did see “Idiocracy” on Comedy Central a couple days ago, and that was pretty good, but I’m sure they’ll undo all that good will in short order with a marathon of Wayans Brothers movies and the Larry the Cable Guy roast.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:09 am
“I see Jeffrey Ross is here tonight. Jeffrey also gambled on a narrow target demographic for his shitty jokes, but Jews are pretty discriminate about their comedy and Dan’s ironically aren’t.”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:11 am
“Does anyone remember when Larry was considered funny? Me neither. Thanks all, I have been great.” – Dan Marino
That is the only acceptable thing that Marino could say.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:13 am
“Barack Obama was going to be here tonight, but declined due to the fact that most of Dan’s fans think he’s a Muslim who should be lynched on sight. Also, because he thinks ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ is about as funny as one of his daughters dating Pacman Jones.”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Aesop the Fable Guy was funnier Larry the Cable Guy.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:14 am
@Slash – Anything with Dax Shepard and Jim Bruer is golden.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:16 am
“”Jeff Foxworthy’s here. Hey Jeff, if you’re still telling redneck jokes after two decades, you might be a fucking hack.””
I wouldn’t doubt this one gets swiped directly off the site and then used at the roast.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:16 am
“Nice shirt, Larry…I bet you’d think I was hotter if I was Jon Benet Ramsey”.
“Larry has ridden race humor so inappropriately that you’d think it was a 17-year old girl at Mark Chmura’s house”.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:19 am
“Dan does a lot of charitable work. Just this last week, he came to visit my nephew who has a cleft palate and spina bifida. It cheered the little guy up so much to meet someone who has more trouble pronouncing words correctly that he does.”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:21 am
What is wrong with being muslim? Just for that, I am going to watch Bridges TV. Oh, it is not on anymore?
http://www.buffalonews.com/494/story/578644.html
February 17th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@bam33,
“he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light.”
epic fail
February 17th, 2009 at 11:29 am
“Nice hat. You, of all people, don’t need camouflage to hide your brain, fuckface.”
February 17th, 2009 at 11:31 am
lol @ incorporating the aristocrat joke into this
February 17th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Um….er…..uh….I have tickets to Larry’s show in Jacksonville on April 16th. Maybe it’s because I grew up around redneck tards that are featured in his jokes, but I find his shit funny.
/dodges bullets from the gay mafia
/Lerd, please feed the starving pygmies in New Guinea
/GIT-R-DONE
/pops the top on a Natty Light in honor of Larry
February 17th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Dan Marino should just read David Cross’s open letter to Larry.
http://www.bobanddavid.com/2007/10/an_open_letter_to_larry_the_ca.html
February 17th, 2009 at 11:37 am
I think Comedy Central has already done a great job roasting him. Sunday Night/Yesterday afternoon they showed Idiocracy with 1-2 commercials for the roast in every break.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:42 am
i was at Circuit City last week browsing going out of business sale dvds when one aisle over i hear someone squeal “look honey – larry the cable guy!” naturally, my morbid curiousity forced me to mosey around the corner to take a look:
1. 50+ year old obese white woman – check
2. with age inappropriate long i-ain’t-never-cut-it down to her ass hair – check
3. that has been cheaply dyed black – naturally
4. wearing black jeans and black some kind of metal band t-shirt – but of course
5. missing teeth – did you have any doubt
6. strong odor of tobacco, cheap beer and sour defeat — better believe it
before you ask, no it wasn’t Roseanne. “Honey”? male version of same, replace hair w/male pattern baldness ending in scraggly grey ponytail.
thar’s ur sign.
/ i hate Whitney and Foxworthy with the intensity of a thousand burning suns
February 17th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Since I’m actually from Mobile, I can point out with some authority that you should’ve picked on Selma. We haven’t had a lynching in Mobile in at least 28 years.
/hoping that being not as racist as the rest of the state counts for something…
February 17th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
It’s true – Mobile is not Selma, or Dothan, or Enterprise. My guess is that Larry is quite popular there.
That said, I have a question not related to football or sex: I sometimes laugh at LtCG despite my best efforts; what is wrong with me?
February 17th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
best post ever.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
“Dan, I watched eight minutes of your Health Inspector flick to get some material before I arrived here…and I must say, your acting stinks as bad as Lisa Lampanelli’s pussy. After a sushi dinner in Mobile.”
February 17th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Goddamn, David Cross is one un-funny skinflint.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
“Nice to see Larry got dressed up for the occasion…Is that a new fishing hat? You know, you don’t need a hook to land a Filet-o-Fish, you fat bastard.”
February 17th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
David Cross is a fucking comedy genious compared to the piece of shit that he’s writing about
February 17th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
but obviously i’m not a spelling genius
/don’t care about grammar in comments
February 17th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/February_17
dan’s birthday is today, along with michael jordan’s … there must be a finite amount of talent to go around on any one day. way to throw everything off there, mike.
February 17th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
May I just say it’s a damn shame Norm McDonald won’t be there to set the world right?
February 17th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrlS9_n8GX4&feature=related
some David Cross
February 17th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
“Larry the cable guy…for people who think that Rosie O’donnell is too attractive, witty and subtle for showbusiness.”
/believes that given the choice between the two, Hitler caused less long term damage to the world
February 17th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Norm was absolutely incredible in the last roast I saw. He came out with a bunch of intentionally stupid jokes like “Your face looks like a flower, yeah, a CAULIFLOWER!” All delivered perfectly straight. The best part about it was that NOBODY in the audience was getting the bit. So nobody was laughing. Meanwhile, a few of the comedians were absolutely dying on stage. Comedy Central almost didn’t show it. Also, Larry is just like Dane Cook, in that he’s a comedian who’s horrible at writing jokes, but reasonably good at performing them. If you think accents are funny, you’ll love Larry the Cable Guy.
February 17th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I bet u this guys big with new england fans
February 17th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Ah Larry, you’re as useless as tits on a bull.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
“Once again following in Jeff Foxworthy’s footsteps, Larry is getting his own game show on the FOX network called ‘Have You Ever Fucked a 5th Grader?’”
February 17th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Geez Grimey, that’s just….
February 17th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Larry the Cable Guy makes Tyler Perry look…equally fucking useless and unfunny.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I have to take issue with one thing here: “What fucking redneck out there wears a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off?” I have cousins in Alabama, and I have witnessed them and their friends wearing flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off. It happens. I don’t dispute that Larry the Cable Guy is a phony though.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Larry The Cable Guy: Making Ace Ventura, Pet Detective look like insightful humor since Comedy Central lost the Chappelle Show and had to resort to the retards of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Well done, Grimey.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@Nimby — yep, not funny.
February 17th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Unfortunately I have to steal a page from Foxworthy for this one…
If you are a no talent cunt who makes millions by portraying a stereotypical redneck cocksmoker while playing to the fears of Bud-drinking, wife-beating, sibling-raping, racist, ignorant bible belt buttfuckers, you might be Larry the Cable Guy.
Thanks. I feel much better now.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
hey, dan? seeing as you’re a hack who panders to ignorant, right-wing idiots, how do you feel about abortion? for it? against it? i wish you’d been one.
better yet, i wish you’d been born and sold into prostitution. that way, there’d be too many dicks in your mouth for you to talk and there’d be the possibility that you’d get AIDS.
there’s no proper way to express how much i hate this ignorant fuck and all his idiot, retard fans. if the holocaust had happened in the south, it’d be hailed as a step in fucking evolution.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
DAN MARINO: What do you call this Dan [points to self] when he’s on a field with 21 black men? The Quarterback!
[points to Dan Whitney] What do you call that Dan when he’s on a field with 21 black men? Dead fucking meat.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
@ mamacita – I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
The only stand-up act I hate worse than Danny the Cable Guy is fuckin’ David Cross. Cross makes up for it with his parts in movies and tv shows usually, but his stand up is fuckin’ horrible, pretentious bullshit. You lose any right to call people a sell-out when you agree to do the live action Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, shit-fuck.
And who wants to bet $10 that Marino cries when he finds out that “Larry the Cable Guy” isn’t real and just an act? Probably more than I did when I found out that Mr. T didn’t really go around beating the shit out of people like he did on the A-Team.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
“Larry almost didn’t make it here tonight. First he had to wash his sister’s twat-stank off his cock; then he went to a children’s hospital to mock dying kids for an upcoming Comedy Central special; and finally he made a quick detour to spray-paint ‘nigger’ on Bernie Mac’s tombstone.”
February 17th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Drew, I’ve got to say, you won the Internets today. Congrats, and don’t let it go to your fat head.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
I guess it is true what they say………….East coast elitists really are tolerant of others.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
drew, you just murdered that. you’re feeling it lately. well done, sir.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Rachel Maddow’s strap-on is utterly fucking authentic. I should know.