I’ll watch pretty much any Comedy Central Roast special, though I liked it more when the roasts took place at the Friar’s Club and they made fun of people worthy of being honored. Nowadays, they’ll roast just about any retard out there, and the coming roast of Larry the Cable Guy (nee Dan Whitney) is definitive proof that they’ve now run out of folks to rip on.

There won’t be a whole lot of “we’re roasting you out of affection” sentiment at this shindig. Larry the Cable Guy is a brutally unfunny piece of shit and I hope someone strangles him to death with his own torn-off sleeves. God, I fucking hate him. And the fucking mouth-breathing tardbillies who are fans of his. If you’re the sort of person who attends a Larry the Cable Guy show, just know that I hope that the theater you see him in is run by Great White’s tour manager.

Anyway, the stable of roasters for Larry contains the usual suspects: Jeffrey Ross, Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli (She fucks black guys! Hilarious!), and… uh… Dan Marino. Why Dan Marino? Hey, why not?! Everyone loves the comedic stylings of Dan Marino. Just ask Boomer Esiason!

You see how Dan pretends like he wants to tear out Boomer’s intestines and string a banjo with them? Good one, Dan. Hey Dan, got any more of that gum?

If you’re familiar with the history of these roasts, you know that all of the non-comedian roasters are fucking death. I don’t want to see that happen to poor Dan. “Hey Larry, your comedy reminds me of Bernie Parmalee’s cutback ability! IT SUCKS!” That’s not comedy befitting a Hall of Famer. Ideally, I’d like Marino to strap Dan Whitney to a gurney and throw frozen Hutch footballs right at his fucking eyes, but I’m quite sure they won’t allow that.

So here now, free for Dan to use, is a proper set of roasting jokes for Larry the Cable Guy. Good luck, Dan. AND TEAR THAT FUCKING FAUXNECK A NEW BEARHOLE.

-“Glad to be here to honor Dan Whitney tonight. Dan’s father was also going to be here tonight. But he’s dead.”

-“Dan’s a good friend of mine. I remember seeing him in Mobile, Alabama. Really brought the house down that night. I even remember his first joke: ‘Say, what’s with all them niggers today?’ The crowd went WILD.”

-“I haven’t seen that many rednecks laughing together since King was shot.”

-“Dan’s a great comedian, though. He’s the only comedian I know who performs in whiteface.”

-“And you know, it’s appropriate that I’m here to roast you, Dan. After all, your fanbase consists of the only people left who still wear Isotoners as driving gloves.”

-“God dammit, you are one unfunny asshole. You tell jokes for people who think Jim Varney’s humor was far too nuanced. Your jokes are broader than the octuplet mom’s birth canal.”

-”And will you get the fuck off of Comedy Central already? I can’t turn to this channel without seeing your fat ass being anything but comedic. At least Mind of Mencia is only half an hour long.”

-“Were you upset when you got passed over for Paul Blart: Mall Cop?”

-”Jeff Foxworthy’s here. Hey Jeff, if you’re still telling redneck jokes after two decades, you might be a fucking hack.”

-“Dan, I loved seeing you on the Blue Collar comedy tour. That’s the comedy tour for people who are too poor too afford to see a real comedian, yes?”

-“Seriously, though. You’re about as funny as baby rape. Hey Dan, you know what’s funny? BROWN PEOPLE WHO DON’T TALK THAT THERE ENGLISH SO GOOD! THEM’S PEOPLE ARE STUPID! Don’t you think we should douse those people in gasoline and light them on fire? HILARIOUS!”

-“Saw Delta Farce the other night. Last time I saw an abortion like that was when Chris Brown punched Lisa Lampanelli in the stomach.”

-“Jesus Christ, you are a fucking hack. Hearing your jokes makes me want to move next to a Buffalo airstrip.”

-“Dan, Mark Duper was going to be with here with me tonight. Unfortunately, your fans lynched him at the door.”

-“Here’s my question. What fucking redneck out there wears a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off? You fucking phony. You’re about as authentic as Rachel Maddow’s strap-on.”

-“And what the fuck is with all phony rednecks using ‘the’ as a middle name now? You got Larry the Cable Guy. You got Joe the Plumber. Oh, and then there’s Larry’s mom, Gladys the Bicycle.”

-“Few people know this, but Dan got into the business as part of a family act. The story, apparently, was that one day Dan brought his family into a talent agent’s office. And Dan said to the agent that he had a great new family act to show him. And the agent said okay, show me what you do. And with that, Dan took a glass vase and smashed the shit out of his wife’s head with it. Then he jumped on top of her and just started stomping the shit out of her until the skin was peeling off her face. Then he grabbed his daughter and started pissing all over her, saying retard shit like GIT R DONE and I DON’ CARE WHO Y’ARE, THAT’S FUNNY. Then he anally raped his daughter with his son’s head.

“’Interesting act,’ said the agent. ‘What do you call it?’

“And Dan said, ‘A Cheap, Cynical Attempt At Winning Over Extreme Right Wing Audiences!’

“Isn’t that a funny joke, Dan? FUCK YOU.”

Yours in the comments.