I Have Been Made Abundant!
Well folks, I know that we’re in a really bad economic climax. But I have to tell you that I was absolutely BLINDSPIDERED this week to learn that ESPN had germinated my contract. Now, I know I have room to improve linguini. Linguini, I struggle from time to time. Still, I don’t think that justified making me ABUNDANT!
That’s what they said. They said, “Emmitt, we have budget monsterfications we have to make, and that means getting rid of some abundancies.” And then they let me go! I don’t understand it. Maybe they outforced my job. All I know is that I have been DOWNSPICED! And I have to say, it is demonstrating. Truly demonstrating.
And that’s a shame. Because I thought I had a lot of interesting observatories to offer this year. Like about the Super Bowl. That game was a real BARNBOOGER! A lot of people asked me if this was the best Super Bowl ever. And I must say, it really was one for the aces! No doubt. To see the Steelers come back on that last drive, when the ships were cracked against them… THAT’S THE ESSENTIAL OF THE GAME RIGHT THERE!
WHAT A BARNBOOGER!
Although I must say I was surprised at how the season played out. Normally, you have to be able to run the ball, as we did when I was with the Cowboys. Normally, to win a Super Bowl, you have to import your willow on an opponent. YOU MUST MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!
But neither the Steelers or the Cardinals like to masturbate the ball down the feel! I wonder: are we going through a ski change in the league right now? Is masturbating the ball down the feel important anymore? Or is it more important to have a good areola game? Are we seeing a new egg and flow in how the game is played? That’s what I want to explore. THE BIG PITCHER!
Alaska, that won’t happen. And that’s too bad! Turns out I am just one of many people going through lakeoffs. YOU NEVER THINK A LAKEOFF WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. But it did. Wonder what I should do now. I’ll miss my friends at ESPN. Farting is the sweetest borrow. Abstinence makes the fart go yonder.
Maybe this is a good thing. That’s gonna be my aptitude. THE WHIRL IS MY ROOSTER NOW. No doubt. I think whatever doesn’t call you makes you straighter. Everything happens for a season. I’m not gonna swallow in self-titty.
If I’m Emmit Smith, I say to Emmitt Smith, “Look, fella. You’ve been made abundant. But no use crying over skilled milk. You gotta pull yourself up by your strap-ons! It’s like my momma said. If life gives you Lenny, you give Lenny AIDS! You will not be PROSTATED! YOU WILL DEFECATE YOURSELF HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE! AND YOU WILL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROAD!”
That’s what I would say to me.
Tags: barnboogers, Big Daddy Drew, emmitt smiff, i will miss him terribly, malapropagations
February 24th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Finally, he can run for congress!
February 24th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Here’s hoping he catches on with CBS’s pregame show, as the contempt on Marino’s face as Emmitt and Shannon trade incoherent gibberish will make me happier than a pig in shit.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:00 am
“If life gives you Lenny, you give Lenny AIDS!” I thought Carl and Lenny were looking a little braille.
I’m not gonna swallow in self-titty… but I wouldn’t mind watching.
Classic.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:01 am
If life gives you Lenny, you give Lenny AIDS!
See, Murray was right. Some people are pro-AIDS.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Emmit Smiff, you were a diamond surrounded by trash at ESPN.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I don’t think Emmit Smiff knows enough to massacre the term “sea change.”
February 24th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Bluer words has never been token.
I hope the posts don’t stop though.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I really should have known better than to try to read this during class with a straight face.
I was fine until you gave Lenny AIDS.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Emmitt was like a sandal in the bin at ESPN
February 24th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Fletch Lives Off-Topic
hey BDD – now ALL the Vikings problems are solved!!!
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3928630
February 24th, 2009 at 10:22 am
“Abstinence makes the fart go yonder.” Out-fuckin-standing!
February 24th, 2009 at 10:30 am
emit smiff was just a big dog in a small pond. fuck, that still sounds too correct to come from him. I fail.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
How’s about’s a big truck in a small fawn?
February 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
He’s now free to work the lamb.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
/dAndy’d
February 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am
“is it more important to have a good areola game?”
Women also like when you work the Delores, also known as the little lamb in the moat.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:40 am
LAMB BARON!
February 24th, 2009 at 10:40 am
@Fletch Lives: As a Bears fan, let me say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Wait, what? The Bears’ quarterback?
/Sits in corner and cries
February 24th, 2009 at 10:51 am
YOU WILL DEFECATE YOURSELF HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE!
And Emmitt was right…I have!
February 24th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Perhaps KSK can hire him as a commentator next year. He’d be a great color man alongside of God.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@Fletch Lives Hava Nagila!
/not really
February 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Brain. Hurts. So. Much.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:01 am
You gotta pull yourself up by your strap-ons!
Best Emmitt Smiff line yet
February 24th, 2009 at 11:02 am
“Is masturbating the ball down the field important anymore? ”
Awww…where’s the FEEL?
February 24th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Sigh…ESPN, this is like cutting off your nose to spiderface.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:15 am
i think we should have a special KSK feature on the Vikings camp focusing on the thrilling battle for QB 1 between Sage, Tavaris, and Gus – easily are three of the gayest names to ever get under center. they make Gay Zorro uncomfortable. throw in John David Booty and you have vikings gay porn that NO ONE wants to watch. HAHAHA
February 24th, 2009 at 11:22 am
I’d like to retract my previous testicle for another chance at broadcasting my shorts. Then, and only then, will I give Lenny AIDS.
Please do more of these.
I almost clapped my pants
February 24th, 2009 at 11:25 am
thanks emmitt. this speech was really perspirational.
we should all defecate ourselves harder than ever before.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:33 am
sorry for jack-knifing your thread. i insure you i won’t hand-pin again.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:37 am
If abstinence makes the fart go yonder, looks like my co-workers are gonna hafta suffer through more of my daily sarin blasts. Until I get laid off.
February 24th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Coincidentally, I was listening to “Ski Change” by Beck the other day for the first time in ages. I thought it was too depressing when it came out, but it has since grown on me.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Probably my favorite Emmit Smith piece.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Lofty words. True words.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
When I saw the news online, all I could think: NO MORE MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!
AND REALLY, YOU GOTTA!
February 24th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Emmitt has been made The Whirl Why Litre’s escapegoat.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
FINALLY one of these worthless goddamn cockmonkeys gets fired. 1 down, about 36 to go.
February 24th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
More Emmitt posts? Alaska, that won’t happen
February 24th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Great post… man…the emotionality!
February 24th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
If I was Emmitt Smiff, I’d ask Emmitt Smiff whada fug he gon do nah. He can’t facsilitate a job offer can he?
February 24th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Emmitt never fails to make me laugh aloud. His germination is good for my own job security but breaks my heart more than a little.
February 24th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
GREGARIOUS, Drew! That was tumorous as well as perspirational.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
INEDIBLE!! Even if dis is da lass Emmit Smiff post, unless he is hairied by another met work, tis is, without a bout, da bestest wetwipe on da nut.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
ladies and gentlemen! it’s my privilege to introduce to you the next governor of the lone star state…