‘I Freed The What?!’


 
Abe Lincoln would have been 200 years old today. You know, if no one had shot him in the back of the head.

UPDATE: By popular request…

Tags: , ,

49 Responses to “‘I Freed The What?!’”

  1. Miles O'Toole Says:

    So Mrs. Lincoln, how’d ya like the play?

  2. Durumdog Says:

    Al Davis said ‘it seems like only yesterday Abe was catching passes from me at college.’

  3. LaFavre's Next Retirement Says:

    The original neckbeard.

  4. stealofthedraft Says:

    “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

  5. Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug Says:

    Jeez Punter, that’s just… weird.

  6. H.C. Prick Says:

    “Yes, Brett Favre is Finished — and No one was Better” (Fanhouse, mariotti, terrible grammer)
    Dear Roberto Alomar,
    I will give you 5,000 American dollars if you give Jay Mariotti HIV.

  7. Sanchez Says:

    …and he would have just been signed for the Washington Redskins.

  8. dAndy Says:

    Abe Lincoln – When an unconscious person gets jizzed on their face, gets their pubes cut and applied to their face to form a beard, then adorned with a top hat.

    Who is this Abe Lincoln you mention?

  9. Warthog Says:

    Here in the South it’s a double whammy. It’s Darwin’s birthday too.

    /I came from a monkey?

  10. dinosaur Says:

    “Yeah, we had nothing ready this morning” tag?

  11. Captain Murphy Says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t work the picture of Beaker at Lincoln’s shooting into this post.

  12. Hop Union Says:

    They have the internet in the South?

  13. Animal Mother Says:

    Happy Birthday, Zipperhead!!!

  14. Everett M. God Emperor of SC Says:

    I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW ABE LINCOLN IS A DICTATORIAL SON OF A BITCH, AND THAT THE SOUTH WILL RIS…….OOOOOOOOH NASCAR!!!

  15. WhatWouldPurpleJesusDo Says:

    gritty birthday

  16. pemulis Says:

    “Yes, Brett Favre is Finished — and No one was Better” (Fanhouse, mariotti, terrible grammer)
    Dear Roberto Alomar,
    I will give you 5,000 American dollars if you give Jay Mariotti HIV.

    Grammar. Jackass.

  17. Otto Man Says:

    Abe Lincoln is dead? When did this happen?

    Just a couple years ago, I saw him give a kickass speech to my high school in San Dimas!

  18. The Avatar Says:

    Actually, he was shot in the back, not in the back of the head. Get it straight!

  19. jackin'4beats Says:

    Someone once said that Abe was one of the greatest Presidents of all time. Until this is confirmed by ESPN and their “Mount Rushmore” segment, I refuse to believe it.

    /aren’t those wacky segments just great?

  20. rusrus Says:

    @The Avatar

    Actually, he was shot in the back of the head.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Lincoln_assassination

    Get it straight.

  21. rusrus Says:

    @Otto Man

    Couple years ago? That was like 20 years ago now… Damn!

  22. Monday Morning Punter Says:

    People seem to forget that Lincoln was one of the most unpopular presidents of his day, in part because he destroyed the entire state of Georgia looking for weapons of mass destruction.

  23. Warthog Says:

    John McCain remembers the Super Bowl where Lincoln was shot.

  24. The Avatar Says:

    @rusrus

    bah, I suck.

  25. Otto Man Says:

    Couple years ago? That was like 20 years ago now… Damn!

    Well, not for those of us with the ability to travel through time.

    Perhaps I’ve said too much…

  26. Slothrop Says:

    Pfft, popular Presidents. Eisenhower was popular and look how we remember him: a fucking pine tree at Augusta National. Oh, and for destroying National Socialism, creating NASA and the Interstate Highway system, and predicting the rise of the Military Industrial Complex. But honestly, a tree!

  27. bFizzle Says:

    You think the wife felt guilty for nagging him until he finally took her to the theater?

    Mrs. Lincoln: “Oh Abe, are you ashamed of me? Why don’t we ever go out anymore? The war is over, relax a little.”

    Pres. Lincoln: “Jesus tap dancing Christ and Mary fucking Joseph, nag nag nag, I’ll take you to the goddamn theater, alright!”

    Mrs. Lincoln: “Oh Abe, it’ll be so grand!”

  28. Never Pass A Bar Says:

    @Warthog

    The monkey denies that.

  29. Upstate Underdog Says:

    let’s not forget that Lincoln wore a kick ass stove pipe hat.

  30. Otto Man Says:

    I think I speak for everyone in saying I hope repee becomes a rapee.

  31. Otto Man Says:

    @slothtrop: The tree, and, you know, the gigantic Eisenhower Presidential Museum and Library in Abilene.

  32. Mo Charlo Says:

    @slothrop: And a big fucking boat that carries nuclear weapons. And a turnpike.

  33. Mo Charlo Says:

    @slothrop: Any of us here would be lucky to get a goddamn tree.

  34. Slothrop Says:

    @Otto: Abilene? That’s in Tixas, right? WHOOO BOY! MY ROMO NEEDS TO GET DOWN THERE AND LEARN TO BE A LEADER! GET HIM A LOOK AT IKE’S STARS!

  35. bam33 Says:

    @slothrop: And lots of ghetto-ass high schools.

  36. Reggie Bush's Pimp Says:

    I hope repee gets rapeed by Roberto….and gets FBA.

  37. Otto Man Says:

    @Otto: Abilene? That’s in Tixas, right?

    Nope, smack dab in the center of Kansas. It is quite literally in the middle of nowhere.

  38. Slothrop Says:

    Me fail geography? That’s implotable!

  39. Otto Man Says:

    Nah, Abilene failed geography.

    You’re three hours from the nearest thing even resembling a city? Go get fucked.

  40. Nimby Says:

    SEMPER FIDELIS TYRANNOSAURUS!

    You just said, “Always faithful terrible lizard”

  41. Up Yours Johnny Cash! Says:

    @Otto

    I think we all can agree that Kansas sucks…..well except for Dodge City, that is if you enjoy the smell of cow shit and tacky western towns…and I DO!!!

  42. Mike D Says:

    Beep! Beep!

    What?

    Beep! Beep!

    What are you saying General Beaker?

    BEEP! BEEP!

    *gunshot*

    and to think, it could have all been stopped had Lincoln only spoke Muppet.

    *shakes head, walks away with hands in pocket and head bowed*

  43. flubby Says:

  44. TF88 Says:

    There should be a beaker tag here. :)

  45. Captain Murphy Says:

    That 5 Dolla Beel is phenomenal. Good Photoshop/MS Paint work outta you.

  46. Gino Tourettsa Says:

    That 5 flubby bill is Legal Tender- in Liberia.

  47. Pher Hobbits Says:

    Lincoln shot first!

  48. hajbadillah Says:

    @bfizzle
    you forgot:
    Abe: Well I guess it won’t kill me to go to the theatre one night.

  49. Fear The Hobbits Says:

    “It’s a good thing these tickets were free, Mary. This play is the shittiest thing I’ve ever se-”

Leave a Reply