The NFL’s competition committee, of which thankfully Matt Millen is no longer part, is taking a look at the always contentious overtime structure this week. We don’t much mind the way things are handled now, but there is some room for improvement. Here now are some wholesale alternatives or slight tweaks of the currents rules for determining the winner of a game that cannot be decided in regulation.
Best rape joke wins
Coin toss replaced by game of War.
Winner is the team Simmons gambled on (because that was the right play)
Victor determined by Cleatus the Robot
Final Jeopardy. And the category is Opera.
Teams have to climb the Aggro Crag
Have Peter King judge which team is the “clutchiest”
Mascots fight to the death
BEST FACKIN’ FANS WINS!
/Tommy’d
Hide-and-seek on stadium concourse.
Quarterback pie eating contest
Red Rover exclusively with special teams players
Overtime decided by Madden simulation
Head Coach vs. Head Coach in a 100 yard dash
Cheerleader Jell-0 wrestling (Giants and Steelers lose automatically)
Most Super Bowl titles wins (Steelers win automatically!)
11-on-11 dodgeball
Roshambo for it
Breathalyzer challenge: both teams are supplied with a case of booze, first team to have a player blow a .2 wins
Winner of coin flip can choose a victory or what’s in the mystery box
Adopt all college overtime rules, minus whatever is deemed “too gay” by Roger Goodell
First team to score six points
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/01/allcheese-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/03/bendevil-150x150.jpg)
Holy shit, the “first team to score six” rule would be perfect…
Xtacles FTW!
The NFL Combine – A Rant
http://dagblog.com/sports/nfl-combine-rant-501
How about a song!
no no no, you play rochambeaux,
-10
A captain from each team has to play skip-it. Highest score wins.
Oh, and where is my mailbag Gay Mafia? As a married, middle-aged man with two kids, I need to laugh at someone else’s lies about sex instead of my own. Hey, btw, did I tell you about the time I went to Jared, and then plied my wife with the jewelry and alcohol, all in an attempt at the holy anal grail? No? Well if only there had been a fuckin’ mailbag………
/lying about the jewelry but not the booze
I think the overtime answer is obvious. It the game is tied at the end of regulation, have all 47 active players that day line up on their sidelines and drop their pants, at which point you measure every cock on each team. The team with the most yardage wins. You give each coach one challange of any measurement they deem questionable (I’d love to hear Phil fuckin’ Simms break down that replay) and BOOM you have a winner. You tell me you wouldn’t watch this (simmons’d)? Not to mention your female viewership would go through the roof.
/steelers would automatically franchise Santonio for life
/same with the vikes and Shiancoe
Bring back the mailbag! I need sexual advice from bloggers!
whoa, whoa, whoa. we didn’t want a REAL answer here Milo.
“Smear the Queer” NFL rules, all 53 players from both teams on the field at once, one ball. Everyone from both teams has to tackle the ball carrier, who throws the ball in the air after being tackled/gang-raped/etc. Players have to try to get the ball. No stoppage for injuries or timeouts. Detonate football randomly with timed M-80. Continue until every fan leaves the stadium. Winner: who cares? Add on if you got other ideas.
what do you do after you rape helen keller?
cut off her hands so she can’t tell
/keller’d
Both teams have 60 minutes to play…if a winner isn’t decided by then, it should be sudden death. Point is, what is the matter with trying to win the game in the 1st 60 minutes in the first place? If you can’t get it done during regulation, the point that every play could be the last should get you to do more during overtime. Now I (and the networks, they don’t get to sell as many commercials) don’t want to see two dead-tired teams slacking around two or more regular-season overtimes, so I like the tie. Why should a losing team get another possession after a OT field goal? The team didn’t do enough to win the game in regulation, work harder during regulation! And if the NFL tries some college overtime rule, I’ll turn the TV off for good. Kickoff/punt runbacks/defense of such should be able to decide a football game as much as offense and defense. I could always settle for a “smear the queer” contest, though. That was the best game EVER!
Best Team YouTube video after showing on the jumbtron.
/shudders at thought of Rams-Niners overtime
//reconsiders this first to six points concept all the kids are talking about
If you move the kickoff after the coin toss up to the 40, then it goes back to 50-50. It’s that simple
rock paper scissors, best two out of three
How about whichever qb has the dumbest girlfriend wins?
Go Cowboys.
Teams go head to head to see who can make the best Starbucks offering for Peter King. Losers forced to listen to him describe the inadequacies of their beverage selection:
“sorry to say this, but the triple venti sugar-free vanilla soy latte that the Pats came up with…just not my style for a late kickoff…”
Losers also get to ‘wide stance’ Mr. King at the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike the next morning.
pie-eating contest = Andy Reid, player/coach
Coach run-off = Andy Reid, RIP
Jerry Jones has been raping my soul for about 14 years now. I’m not about to start paying for what I’ve been getting for free.
First team to six it is.
I hear at the new Cowboys stadium that if pay an extra $10,000 PSL fee Jerry Jones will rape you.
The Cowboys’ new place will have a jail, too. So Philadelphia, Dallas and New Orleans have the rapey-ist NFL stadiums.
But what about luxury rape boxes?
@GT- easy question. Best rape room in the NFL goes to Philly. jail=rape
I like Cheerleader Jell-O Wrestling, but what does that do to Packers-Bears games?
whichever team can get frisky dingo back on the air
/sad boosh
The bigger question is how are you going to explain the new rules to Donovan McNabb?
no sex advice today?
Team most willing to denounce Jesus.
Play the whole period.
Or leave the fucking overtime alone! If you don’t like losing the game on the coin toss then play defense!!
Or, a game of Rape the Ref. Time to turn the tables.
Wow. Hadn’t heard the ‘first to 6 points’ one. That’s REALLY fucking smart and it almost broke my brain. Make this happen.
Call the commish, because I got the winning idea right here:
The starting Left Tackles on each team square off in a “largest/foulest smelling/most undigested food still in it” shit contest. Best dump wins!
/Walter Jones once dropped a 5 couric crap without flinching.
* Gun duel between the leader in receptions of each team (Giants lose automatically)
Which NFL stadium has the best rape rooms?
Fewest cameras wins (Pats automatically lose)
If you win on the road, you can rape all the home team’s horses and ride off on their women!
Both teams have to do a Jabbawokeez dance…ultimate victory celebration.
Whichever team can listen to inane nicknames given to them by Chris Berman the longest without snapping wins.
Office Olympics.
Player with ugliest wife gets choice: his team wins, or his team loses but he gets to swap wives with a player on the other team. Best part would be post-game press conferences: “Well, we wanted that game, but I can’t fault the man for taking a different wife instead. His old one was an absolute train wreck. Now he might actually get an erection from time to time that isn’t brought on by pornography or hookers.”
“We didn’t get that many mailbag questions this week. Possibly because we didn’t put up a reminder soliciting them, but still.”
You shoulda made some up! Ya lazy rapists!
Better rape joke:
A hunter spots a grizzly bear 1,000 yards away, but he can’t get any closer so he aims his rifle and pulls the trigger. He can see he’s hit the bear, so he sets off after it. When he finally catches up to the bear, the bear is clutching his shoulder and says, “Was it you who shot me?”
The hunter says, “Yes.”
The bear says, “You need to be taught a lesson.” The bear strips off the hunter’s clothes, bends him over, and rapes him.
After recovering for a few weeks, the hunter searches through the woods, up hill and dale, and then he spots the same bear about 500 yards away. The hunter aims, fires, and sets off after it. When he catches up to the bear, the bear says, “Did you shoot me again?”
The hunter, trembling, says, “Yes.”
The bear says, “Well, maybe this’ll teach you,” whereupon it grabs up the hunter, rips off his already tattered clothing, throws him violently to the ground, and viciously rapes him again.
After recovering for a few months this time, the hunter decides he’s going after the bear one more time. He trips through dense underbrush, he trudges through soupy swamps, and he treks across vast valleys, and finally he finds the bear only a hundred yards away, across a small opening. He takes careful aim, holds his breath, and pulls the trigger.
The hunter sprints up to the bear.
The bear says, “Did you shoot me AGAIN?”
The hunter says, “Yep.”
So the bear says, “You didn’t really come here to hunt, did you?”
whichever team owner has the most land to baron over
Each team has to guess the age of Mark Chamura’s hot-tub guest and the closest team wins.
1 player from each team gets a bo-flex…..1st guy to go chris benoit on his opponent wins
So Dr. Watson walks in on Sherlock Holmes getting down with an 11 year-old street girl. He says “I say, old Holmes, what manner woman is this?”
Sherlock says, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
Have the head coaches fight for 5 minutes, judged on a point system by the refs.
You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to watch Belichick vs. Coughlin, or Reid vs. Crennellephant/Holmgren (circa 2008)
best rape joke:
a man is walking through a forest when he comes upon a little girl (i guess it could end there?). She is naked and sobbing on the forest floor.”What’s wrong little girl?” he asks. She replies through her tears “A bad man took me from the park where I was playing and brought me out here, and took off all my clothes, and started touching me, and then he, he…” and she begins crying uncontrollably. The man begins to remove his pants and says “I guess today just ain’t your day…”
They should have a coach challenge – whichever coach can rape the most married women in 15 minutes wins. The Pats will never lose!
Decided by team that has the player “Who’s Now.”
mmmm, quarterback pie.
Are Dave Meggett and Tony Zendejas on the competition committee?
Whoever leases the most copters at the Catalina Wine Mixer. THE FUCKING CATALINA WINE MIXER.
The Lions were tied at the end of regulation? That’s some fucking bullshit, right there.
I would totally love to nail Mo from Guts. Wonder where she is nowadays . . .
Musical chairs would be the most efficient and entertaining solution, by the way.
That, or Hot Rapetato.
Breathalyzer challenge: both teams are supplied with a case of booze, first team to have a player blow a .2 wins
Jeff Reed for the win!
A victory is a victory but a mystery box could be anything….it could even be a victory!
Each team picks 5 guys to kneel in front of Charles Haley while he masturbates. First guy to squint or look away loses that game.
“Teams have to climb the Aggro Crag”
Yes! And Moira Quirk (aka “Mo”) will announce this.
I was watching Guts reruns not long ago, and during one of the “row the inflatable tube across the above ground swimming pool” events, one of the contestants fell off. Mike O’Malley deadpanned, “Oh, and blue just took a dump in the pool.”
Decided by punt-pass-kick competition — combined yardage wins
QBs arm wrestle Ed Hochuli
Pull the goalies
One possession each with no pads or helmets
Catch the greased-up deaf guy
I say in Overtime, if your going to kick a field goal, your only allowed 8 guys on the field including the kicker, and the defense is allowed to rough the kicker.
Chili Rape-Off.
can’t you combine 2 of the top 3 and give it to whichever team rapes Simmons first?
Um, how about “Survive Shawne Merriman’s Mobile Rape Closet”? Whichever team captain comes out crying the least, gets the ball on the opponent’s 20 yard line. The losing captain has to go up to the NBC booth and play “7 minutes in heaven” with Peter King while wearing a Brittfahr jersey…I’m trying to qualify for best rape joke.
/fail
…and if the pie eating contest occurs, how long do you think it’s going to take the Giants to resign this guy: http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/022Pfav8ry5Yl/610x.jpg – JARED LORENZEN SIGHTING!
//fat QB FTW!
A two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned!
The Eliminator. BOOSH!
LaFavre: The bitter Pats fans comments go in the last thread.
We didn’t get that many mailbag questions this week. Possibly because we didn’t put up a reminder soliciting them, but still.
Also, which KSK writer is the most rape-able?
@Yinzer B
My QB challenges yours to a Double-Stuff race (Elisha that is)
Team with the fewest collective criminal convictions wins. (Dallas, Cincinnati automatically disqualified.)
There’s no Sex Advice post because KSK writers and readers no longer have sexual problems- well, besides the involuntary celebacy thing.
If they do the coach 100 yd dash, Mike Holmgren will never come out of retirement. Also, Mike Vick will be the new coach of the Oakland Raiders.
It’s obvious, whatever outcome will aid the Steelers in their quest for another Super Bowl victory is chosen.
Or a kicker poon-off.
I’d rather have a quarterback Choco Taco eating contest.
Wow, the first team to six points is a really good idea. Usually I would vote for beheading of the person who would dare change the OT rules, but this one is a good idea. If they go to the college system, they might as well hand out ice cream to all of the players after the game…in cones…with rainbow sprinkles.
Oh yeah and where’s the mailbag? We have nothing else to live for on Thursday’s so the collective suicides of KSKommenters will be on your heads if you don’t post something soon. No pressure or anything.
Just extend the game time another 10 minutes or so. And if at the end of 10 minutes there is still a tie, then sudden death as usual.