God Explains the Super Bowl
Hello, my children. With football season at a close, now’s the time of year I have to start forsaking you, and thus plunging you into the seemingly interminable off-season. Suckers. Otherwise you might think me a benevolent creator, and I most certainly am not. Eat it.
Pretty nice Super Bowl I put on for you, huh? And you benighted, ungrateful little shits all carped that it was going to be boring. Believe it or not (YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE), the outcome of this one wasn’t an easy choice for Me. Both teams have a guy really keen on my first son, though Warner getting bonus points for talking about it all the time while Polamalu just signs himself after every play. How ’bout some verbal recognition, you unfrozen cavesafety?
For Me, the deciding factor came down to which of my holy creations I was most proud of. In Larry Fitzgerald, I made a near-flawless physical specimen. In Santonio Holmes, I made a monstrously huge cock. I mean, that thing is impressive. It deserves a Super Bowl ring.
Also, Brenda Warner has had so much work done, I can’t recognize the Child of Light I once crafted. Now she came blame the long hair and nose job for his husband’s failings. Because they are to blame.
Of course, Dan Rooney had to go and fuck up the chain of groveling during the postgame awards ceremony. It was supposed to be ME, THEN Jesus THEN Obama. And you skip right to His Barryness. Wait until I melt your viscera along with Stephen Colbert for joking that I had no hand in this game.
I CONTROL ALL, YOU ELVISH SPEAKING ASSCLOWN! Yuk it up while you’re in chemo, smug boy.
All you secular non-believers lay the credit for the Steelers win on the officials. Silly embittered clueless mortals. Credit where its due, cockwallets. But just to placate you mewling little shits, I had this crocodile tear into a zebra. CHOMP HIS NECK FOR THE GOD-STER, CROC!
Not quite as cute as it is on Pearls Before Swine, is it?
See you losers in seven months. These Me-less fags here on this blog will keep you occupied with an assortment of animal maulings and commenter drafts about favorite ways to blaspheme Me. So there’s that. And have fun with baseball. ‘Cause Me knows, I don’t watch that shit.
Tags: god explains the NFL, xmas ape
February 5th, 2009 at 11:39 am
That’s the biggest fucking zebrafish I’ve ever seen!
February 5th, 2009 at 11:49 am
See God, the Rooneys don’t think they needed your help. They think it was all them. Smite them down and teach them a lesson. Owners, coaches, players, front office, former players, Coca Cola for remaking that shitty commercial, fans (especially them), all those fucking yinzers and the horse that rode in and shit them out.
And then let the new team owners treat the team like the Pirates.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
“THEN Jesus THEN Obama”
some people seem to think they are one in the same
February 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
WOW!! the level of nerdom on that “Pearls” linksite…I I I’ve never seen anything like it…I mean WOW! If my kids ever built something like that I’d have to perform a late term abortion on them and start from scratch!
February 5th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Wasn’t Rooney supposed to thank the ghost of Myron Cope before Obama?
February 5th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
BRING ON THEE ANIMAL MAULING & KILLING PORN!
February 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Really, a Warhammer site?
February 5th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
In the crocodile’s defense, have you ever eaten a baby zebra’s head? Delicious. Just really, really tasty.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Fuck you, ya front-running father of a bitch.
Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu!!
February 5th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
God, it’s me G.G. If you’re so great, why do you let so many good products have such bad commercials?
February 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
no kill kill kill tag?
February 5th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
You gullible bastards. It’s just Val Kilmer talking into a voice-changer!
/and stop playing with yourselves
February 5th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@UM: you’re still high. Put the bong down.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
That photo finally answers the joke “What’s black and white and red all over?”
February 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I knew God hated baseball, I just knew it!
February 5th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
“unfrozen cavesafety”….I may have to change my name….
February 5th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
There are moments when God can be kind of a dick
February 5th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Brenda Warner had work done? I thought it was just the hair…
February 5th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
So, God, you’re saying it’s all about the size?
February 5th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
All entertaining. But it was still the refs.
/whine, whine, cry, cry
February 5th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
A Pearls reference in an NFL blog … that’s fucking spectacular.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I was hoping that a Steelers loss in the SB would be proof that there IS a God. And now, God is telling me that he chose the Steelers to win it?
/Can’t deal with another existential crisis this week
February 5th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
@ porky…
you can see kurt warner in the footage after holmes’ touchdown put his arms out and say “ok god, lemme have it!”
shitty joke aside, +1 to you, as long as pickle throwing is involved somewhere…