Drunk Blogger Mutters Something Garbled About the Season
Well, here’s a familiar photo. It was just 10 months ago that I was fired from The Washington Post for posting this here picture and boasting of being drunk while watching Super Bowl XL in a bar in my free time. But, hey, now I get to write about football-related dick jokes from home as a job now.
Will Leitch has already detailed how he dreamt at age 11 of Matt Leinart or some other left-handed QB winning the Cardinals a Super Bowl. Can’t say I’ve always had the same visions for my team this year, but I’d like to think the football gods smiled upon me for my blog martyrdom BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT ME ME ME though probably not. I, unlike Leitch, can’t claim to have seen this Super Bowl coming for Pittsburgh, what with an impossible-looking schedule, Bruce Arians and a sieve of an offensive line. Yet here we are.
This summer I was told by Daulerio that I’d become Deadspin’s roving correspondent, which would include covering the Super Bowl for them. In the time since, Gawker had been cutting budget for months, so it seemed less and less likely that I would be going to Tampa. The definitive news came down from Daulerio at the beginning of January, so it was then that I figured the Steelers pretty much had to go. Just to fuck me over.
The rest of the Gay Mafia will get you through the big day. I, meanwhile, will be at the same place I was when watching Super Bowl XL. Whether the parrot shows for more pics I can’t be sure. Either way, I’ll be back this evening to mock the Steelers haters until my typing fingers are sore if the team wins or subject myself to your unstinting collective ridicule if they lose. Should be fun.
Tags: hines wald is stirr me favolite steerel, i'm gay for lamarr woodley, leitch, too anxious to be funny, wapo is mediabistro gay, xmas ape
February 1st, 2009 at 10:07 am
[ Internal KSK email ]
To: Punter, Ufford, Drew, Kogod
From: flubby
Subject: Steeler victory contingencies
Okay, talked to the Uproxx tech guys. Ape’s password will be changed within 10 minutes of the end of the game.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:18 am
Ape, I’m looking forward to tasting your tears.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am
damn, sexy friday came early this week.
/parrot fetish.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am
forget the cards and their feel-good bullshit, im still bitter about the nfc championship, so for once i’ll root for that other team from pennsylvania today.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am
Holy shit Ape, I almost forgot you once held a job where you were taken less serious than the one you had now.
Seriously though, fuck Gawker with the wide end of a bowling pin.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:41 am
I like how Larry Fitzgerald Sr. has made 26 consecutive super bowl appearances for his paper that has a circulation of 1000 and gawker can’t afford one.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:54 am
I hope the Steelers lose by 70, and that you get alcohol poisoning while watching. That would really tickle me.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:58 am
What if the Steelers win and he still gets alcohol poisoning? Would that still please you?
February 1st, 2009 at 10:58 am
I’ve been stocking up photos of you and Leitch in various states of distress and overjoy for the liveblog. That said, I’m wearing a Ben Rongrastname jersey, so I can’t be overly critical of your douche baggery.
/shameless plug for the liveblog that I will be hosting assuming KSK bitches out and doesn’t run one.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am
FUCK YOU APE. I read Anne first.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:22 am
@StarterWife
If I had to pick one of the two I’d go with the Steelers losing. I know that will hurt him more. More importantly, it just might cause him to shut the fuck up for at least a few days. But if all you’re offering me in this made up situation is the alcohol poisoning, i.e., there’s no way the Steelers lose and it’s just a question of whether or not Ape destroys his innards, I’ll take it.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:31 am
Ape, I wish your team nothing but the best of luck.
That’s a lie, but I thought you might enjoy reading it.
I abhor both teams, so I’ll be drinking to dull the pain.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am
The parrot is still in therapy after what you did to it that night.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:44 am
See Ape drink.
Drink, Ape, drink.
February 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
It’s 12 oclock (EST)! I get to drink now!
/no the irish coffee at 8am didn’t count.
February 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I can guarantee one thing: Nothing good will come of all this. Mark my words.
February 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
“You know, Jim, these commenter’s are awfully hard on old Ape. Of course he would root for a team that mandates ritual sodomy before, after, and sometimes during each game. That’s the way Ape was made and there’s nothing wrong with it. Also, Jim, little known fact: Mike Tomlin’s dickhole circumference is the size of a quarter. He just pisses himself all the time and it’s like a waterballoon exploding in his pants.”
I swear on my hoard of earthly possessions that I have not uttered these words once this post season because even I am nauseous from all the bandwagon Steeler love but, Here we go Steelers, HERE WE GO!!
Stillers 31 Cards 24 …I smell a push
February 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Stay classy, commenter Lawrence.
February 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Sorry Ape, though that post puts you as the classiest Steelers fan I’ve ever run across (Not like that’s saying anything), I still hope the Steelers are humiliated to a point they have no choice but to commit seppuku to restore honor to their families.
But from a Browns fan to a Steelers fan… Uh… What’s it like being able to watch a Super Bowl and want a team to win rather than just watch to see someone fail? It’s a weird concept for me.
February 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
That parrot may be a 2 at 10:00, but it’s a 10 at 2:00.
February 1st, 2009 at 1:19 pm
good luck Ape. either way, when y’all PUI (post under the influence) we all win
/hoping CC’s final pre-game hate post is up before i leave for the bar
February 1st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
That parrot owes me a gram
February 1st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@Elvis Grbac’s
Gee, so sorry to drag down the high levels of class usually associated with this blog. I apologize for being the first classless commenter (or blogger, for that matter) ever to post here. Fuck yourself.
February 1st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Fuck you, Ape. This is what you get for rooting for a Jew hating metropolis. Aryan Primate Fuck.