AMERICA, I WANT YOU TO PUT DOWN THE CHICKEN FINGERS!
America! I want you to stop eating that guacamole! I want you to take your hand out of that bag of chips! I WANT YOU TO FINISH UP WIPING AND GET OFF THE SHITTER! I WANT YOU TO PUT THOSE CHICKEN FINGERS DOWN! I WANT YOU TO STOP MASTURBATING TO THE GIRL AT YOUR PARTY WEARING A TIGHT SWEATER!
BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO FUCKING ROCK THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
So quit eye-raping those buffalo wings! Get your fat fucking manpaws out of the sour cream dip! STOP SUCKING ON YOUR FINGERS TO GET THAT CHEESE DUST OFF! YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR SUCKING A TODDLER’S COCK! I want you to get off your couch! I want you to RISE UP! I want you to tuck in your shirt and not look like the slovenly chub-beast you really are! And I want you to wipe your mouth! There’s a pile of Vanity Fair napkins over there! Use them! You look like a barbecue sauce version of the Joker right now!
And for God’s sake, PUT DOWN THAT BEER, AMERICA! I THINK YOU HAVE DRINKING PROBLEM! I saw you get loaded for your grandma’s funeral last week! That’s fucked! ALCOHOL IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL ROCK AND ROLL!
I want you to do jumping jacks! I want you to establish a healthy routine of cardiovascular exercise! Because right now, America, you’re kinda nasty! And I want you to stop scratching your taint and then discreetly sneaking a whiff of it when you think no one is looking! I CAN SEE YOU AND I KNOW YOU’RE SMELLING YOUR TAINT! THAT’S DISGUSTING! IT’S TIME TO ROCK!
I want you to close your knees! When you spread your legs like that, I can smell the fromunda! Even with jeans on! YOU’VE GOT STINKY BUTTCRUST, AMERICA! I’M A BARD! I KNOW THESE THINGS!
AND STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE! I see you digging in there! You’ve got little blood specks on your fingers! That’s just not right! AND CLEAN UP THE PLACE! I see dust bunnies in here bigger than a pink Cadillac! WHEN DID YOU SCRUB YOUR TOILET LAST? 1997? JESUS! WE NEED TO ROCK YOU CLEAN!
So quit reaching under your Snuggie to adjust your scrotum because it got wedged between your thighs! I want you to stop staring at the screen with your mouth half open like you’re a fucking retard like Sean Combs! I want you UP AND MOVING, EVEN IF THAT MEANS YOU RISK DYING OF CONGENITIVE HEART DISEASE!
WAIT, DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT! I DON’T WANT YOU THAT EXCITED! YOU’VE GOT WREATHS AROUND YOUR NIPS! THAT’S GROSS!
I want you to put your shirt back on! I want you away from the computer! That Redtube site isn’t going anywhere! YOU’LL STILL HAVE PORN READY TWELVE MINUTES FROM NOW! I want you to stop planning your masturbation sessions on MY TIME! I want more fist pumping, and less cock pumping!
I want you to put down that cell phone! Is that an LG model? LG are gay! I want you to buy a real phone, like an iPhone or that new Treo I heard about! And then I want you to put THAT phone down, because we got some serious fucking partying to do!
And put down that remote! There’s nothing on! I checked the guide! AND NO PEEING! I WANT YOU TO HOLD THAT URINE! EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING IT ALL HALF, AND YOU KNOW THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE BEFORE YOU BURST LIKE A PISS-FILLED OIL TANKER! HOLD THAT PEE! THE E STREET BAND DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR EXCRETORY SYSTEM!
I want you stop being so gross, America! I want you to stop eating and drinking and inhaling any fucking thing you see, and take time out for what’s important: namely, me ROCKING YOUR BALLS OFF!
SO PUT THOSE FUCKING CHICKEN FINGERS DOWN! THIS IS TENTH AVENUE FREEZEOUT!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, good set, the boss, wish he had played Free Bird
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February 2nd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
*holds up lighter* DREEEEEWWWWWWWW
Great stuff
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Bruce set the world record for “most people simultaneously face-fucked” with that power slide.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I’m pretty sure I saw his wife’s nipple.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
“I want you stop being so gross, America!”
he also want you to stop shopping at Wal-Mart (unless you are buying his cd there)
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE I’M STILL RELEVANT, AMERICA!
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I WANT YOU TO NOT BE GROSS, BUT I’M GONNA SLIDE ACROSS THIS STAGE AND STICK MY JUNK IN YOUR FACE VIA CAMERA! AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT! CAUSE IT’S BOSS TIME!!!!
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Nothing says rock n roll like a worn out old man and a guitarist with fucked up teeth.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
At least we got to see what Bruce’s O-face looks like
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
“Nothing says rock n roll like a worn out old man and a guitarist with fucked up teeth.”
Or the Max Weinberg 7. They rocked it.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
If I was Bruuuuce – I wouldn’t sleep with a woman who was older than 23
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Bruce would also like you to clean up all of the dog shit in your yard. You’re fucking disgusting.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Dear God:
Please provide a clue to Ted Striker and Nate Newton’s van. Neither knows dick about rock and roll.
Amen.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I’m pretty sure I saw his wife’s nipple.
As long as it wasn’t Clarence Clemons’, then we’ll be alright.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I’m glad Bruce didn’t rock out with his cock out, but he came awful close with that dick slide into the camera.
I will pray every day that before I die I will see Iron Maiden play the Super Bowl halftime show.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
“So stop putting your hand down your pants to hold your nuts, America! It’s time for you to hold mine!”
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
and YOU, you Peter King, looking motherfucker, put that latte down, get your hands out of the Favre’s pants and GO WORK THE LAND!
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
UU: Iron Maiden will play the halftime show when Detroit makes the Super Bowl. Hold your breath buddy!
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
ndy, they said the same thing about The Boss and Arizona making the Super Bowl
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I need you to send me your daughters phone numbers, America! Because Patti is as old as I am and she didn’t earn the nickname “Parking Lot Patti” by attending church.
And then I’ll answer all your sex questions via KSK on how to get your girl to give up the ass. First, write a bunch of songs. Second, tour the world and make millions of dollars. Three, enjoy all that fine young poon.
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
“CONGENITIVE”?
And if anybody here, at least, actually owns a Snuggie, you should just… fuck, I don’t know, don’t breed. And stop watching football. You don’t deserve football. You are allowed to watch the Tour de France. And maybe the Special Olympics.
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I WANT YOU TO STOP MASTURBATING TO THE GIRL AT YOUR PARTY WEARING A TIGHT SWEATER!
Actually Drew, that’s just you. Get help.
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
the BOSS has never even had a job in his life and the blue-collars eat his phony, power cock-sliding, bullshit music up. i can’t stand it. and does anyone ever notice that almost everyone of his songs is set to the same 3 chords jumbled over and over??? bruce is the worst.
and another thing – so far this decade we’ve had Aerosmith, U2, Sting, Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty, and now Bruce. since when did the super bowl halftime show become a celebration of geriatric “rockers” who charge too much for their tickets and sound like their own cover bands? i like most of these guys music, but when they made it like 25 years ago it was a lot better. let’s go young! more nipple slips please!!
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
They will never run out of old white guys for the half time show.
When does Rick Ocasek get his turn?
Jake
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I can’t wait to read Fletch Lives’ list of “young” bands that warrant playing the Super Bowl.
But I know what you mean. The Super Bowl halftime show was so much better when Up With People performed.
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
you are all retarted. bruce was the only good part of that lame ass superbowl. that power slide made half the girls watching get damp. bruce>everyone
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@heynow: I get erect when people misspell “retarted”. Thank you.
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Way too much Springsteen nuts in that halftime show…where was my disclaimer?
“Every time I look at you, I go blind…”
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
We all know next year’s Super Bowl is time for a Genesis reunion. I think everyone would enjoy Phil Collins powersliding his nuts into our faces.
/shudder
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
F the boss. get some fresher talent for the halftime show.
or maybe get some nineties bands that didn’t break up, have key members kill themselves, or currently are in and out of rehab and/or hiatus. how about…errr….
well…
hmmm….uh,
Pearl Jam?
February 2nd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Clarence playing cowbell while sitting in a chair during Glory Days was kind of interesting.
What next year needs is Beastie Boys.
February 2nd, 2009 at 6:05 pm
@skc
if its fresh it must be good!!! call nickelback!!!
February 2nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
UU: Maiden set list: Aces High/Flight of Icarus/The Trooper/Run to the Hills
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I thought Bruce did a great job in the 12 min he had. The “penalty time ” shtick was a bit cheesy but the songs rocked & he did his damnest to give a high energy show. I’ve seen many, many shows over the years, including a some “new-er” bands….Breaking Ben, 3 Days Grace, etc…all pretty good. Saw Bruce twice this summer……best I’ve ever seen (including seeing The Who in their prime(’70’s)…never thought they would be 2nd to anything)
Yeah, the “preacher” bit gets a bit old but for a all out good time, “there ain’t no finer band around”
@Nate Newton’s van ……no one said rock was pretty……they go for “charismatic”
@ UU……he apologized about the Wal-mart CD deal this week…we’ll see if he does anything more about it
/yeah, I’m an old fart
//Like a lot of new music………makes me appreciate my old stuff even more
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 pm
AND YOU GOT TO BRING YOUR CAN IN FOR A TUNE-UP, AMERICA! YOU CAN’T KEEP PUTTING IT OFF BECAUSE YOU KINDA/SORTA THINK THE MECHANIC IS GOING TO RIP YOU OFF! THAT SQUEALING NOISE IN THE ENGINE ISN’T JUST GOING TO GO AWAY! JEEZ, YOU’LL PAY $150 NOW INSTEAD OF $500 LATER. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, AMERICA!!!
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 pm
@Bookhead
Sabotage would bring the house down.
Or at least make me try and find a towel to clean up after myself.
February 2nd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Better than the real thing, thank you very much sir.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 pm
bruce and the e street band are great, but its unfortunate they didnt resist the urge to be as corny as possible with all the football references. the ref? seriously? either way they put on a much better and more energetic show than any of the previous geriatric rockers.
good set though. glad they stuck mostly to older material.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I’M A BARD! I KNOW THESE THINGS!
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
true story.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 am
@UU, @Jake: Will Rush do the half-time show in 2112?