1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.

2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.

3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.

4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.

5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.

6. I cut my own hair.

7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.

8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.

10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.

11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.

12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.

13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.

14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.

15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.

16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.

17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.

18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.

19. I suffer from halitosis.

20. I am 1/32nd vampire.

21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.

22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.

23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”

24. I have never taken a bowel movement.

25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.

Image via The Bog