25 Random Things About Me: Vinny Cerrato
1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.
2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.
3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.
4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.
5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.
6. I cut my own hair.
7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.
8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.
9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.
10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.
11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.
12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.
13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.
14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.
15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.
16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.
17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.
18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.
19. I suffer from halitosis.
20. I am 1/32nd vampire.
21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.
22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.
23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”
24. I have never taken a bowel movement.
25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.
Image via The Bog
Tags: 25 random things, it's satire people, Unsilent Majority, Vinny Cerrato
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February 12th, 2009 at 11:21 am
So, I am getting a hint that Vinny has no balls? AMIRIGHT?
February 12th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I drive a Dodge Stratus
+10000
February 12th, 2009 at 11:24 am
How exactly did it take this long for that clip to come out? His name is now forever, Sarge
February 12th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Only 1/32nd vampire? I figured that’d be higher!
February 12th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I never noticed the resemblence to John Travolta before. Well, the gay John Travolta.
February 12th, 2009 at 11:43 am
When are you going to immortalize Frank Furtado?
February 12th, 2009 at 11:54 am
I worry thought all the time.
February 12th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
He looks like Joe Dimaggio with down’s syndrome.
February 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I never realized how much the Skins logo can look like a Phillies logo if you squint. And that’s one hairy dude.
February 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I thought this was a humor blog…you copied and pasted this straight off of Sarge’s FB page, didn’t you?
February 12th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Did his pleated pants? No reference? I need to know about his pleated-fucking-pants!
February 12th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@me
What about his pleated pants
/drools
February 12th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Snyder must like the feel of baby teeth.
February 12th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Synder’s dick is too little for the teeth to even scathe.
February 12th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Maybe I’m the only one but I have no fucking clue who Vinny Cerrato is
February 12th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@ seahawk matt… that’s because luckily you are not a Redskins fan and curse this assclown daily!!!
February 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Matt- he’s Dan Snyder’s version of a GM
February 13th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Is there a way to draw and quarter these spammers?
February 13th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.
That WOULD explain
24. I have never taken a bowel movement.
Lou Holtz is hung like a fucking horse. True story.
February 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
He ask Jobu to come, take fear from Redskins.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/2009/02/vinny_cerratos_first_ninja_sce.html
26. Nobody messes with Vinny’s precinct. Nobody.