25 Random Things About Me: Matt Stafford
The Draft is slowly approaching. Slowly, slowly approaching. And what better way to get to know each of the potential picks than via the wildly popular “25 Random Things About Me” Facebook craze that’s sweeping the nation? Today, we learn 25 random things about Georgia QB Matthew Stafford, projected by many to be the top overall pick.
1. “I like cold beer AND HOT SLUTS! WOOOOOOOOO BABY FUCK YEAH!”
2. “I was born in 1852 and served in the Irish Senate before dying in 1950. Wait, that was another Matthew Stafford? I feel like I kinda remember all that.”
3. “One time I painted my roommate’s toenails black. He got really mad about it. Probably because he was allergic to nail polish. Oh, well. Fuck him. He’s dead now.”
4. “I fucking hate relish. It looks like you chewed up a pickle and barfed it onto my hot dog. Ewwww!”
5. “I’m not very good.”
6. “I was in a shower gangbang once. I didn’t like it, because at one point I got soap in my eyes. By the time I had gotten the soap out, I realized the girl had fled, and that I was banging Tony. TONE! THE FUCK, MAN?!”
7. “Best concert I ever saw in person? Shania. Definitely. Fuck, she’s hot.”
8. “Sometimes I floss with my own hair. And I eat the skin off my heel. It’s like Jack Link’s, only it doesn’t cost you five bucks a pack.”
9. “I’m a slob. I admit it. That’s why my apartment always smells like old milkshakes.”
10. “I have no desire to travel to Europe. One time I had this girlfriend who’s was all gung ho about going over there and I was like, do they have Cheesecake Factory over there? And she was like, no. And I was like, have fun cutie. I don’t wanna go anywhere that doesn’t have a Cheesecake Factory. That’s my money place.”
11. “I’m really getting tired of people offering me Eclipse gum. How about a beer, gang? Beer is better.”
12. “People always told me I had a strong arm. And I guess I always took it for granted. They day I realized I had a real cannon tucked away under here was the day in 7th grade when I stole Tim Ferry’s retainer and hucked it all the way across the river. Tim Ferry was mentally retarded, so when I took out his retainer, you could really see how fucked up his teeth were. They had this weird yellow paste on them and everything. Then he had to kinda slow kid limp all the way to go get it. Girls were laughing. I high fived Johnny after that. It was awesome.”
13. “I like the top part of the English muffin, but not the bottom.”
14. “Anyone else notice the UGA library is way too hot? Jesus.”
15. “Why should I be the number one pick? I think because I know how to lead. Like when I throw a party at the Pleasure Dome (that’s our apartment), tons of fucking people show up. I don’t think you can teach that kind of magnetism.”
16. “I gotta get better at Rock Band. For real.”
17. “Whenever I buy a pair of sweatpants, I always end up losing one side of the drawstring in one the holes in front. They should make some kind of special knot that keeps the drawstring from disappearing in there.”
18. “Favorite movie? Gotta be Meet The Spartans. Fucking kills me every time, man.”
19. “I always thought washing vegetables was stupid. My mom made me do it. Then one day I tried to make a salad for this girl. Only I didn’t wash the lettuce, and the salad turned out all gritty and nasty. Totally cost me a BJ.”
20. “I can bench press 345. I guarantee you Mark Sanchez can’t do that.”
21. “I can’t walk by a Corvette without stopping first and taking a good, long look.”
22. “I’ve heard people say I call my penis THE STAFF. I’m not gonna confirm or deny that. I’ll just leave that to your imagination.”
23. “My only tattoo is a tatt I have of a rooster on my leg. Because you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to outhustle me.”
24. “I fucking hate waking up early.”
25. “When I was twelve, I stole my dad’s pickup truck and drove it all the way to Tennessee before I totally freaked out about how far I’d gone. So I turned around started home. Only I ran out of gas somewhere in the middle of West Georgia. I managed to flag down this one guy in an old pickup truck. When he got out, I asked for a ride. And he said sure, but only if I ‘repaid the favor’. Then he tried to grab my cock. And that totally freaked me out, so I ended up pinning him down and smashing his face in with my dad’s old carphone. Then I siphoned off his gas and drove the hell off. He was old, so I’m pretty sure no one noticed. Still, that was really creepy. Glad I got away without having to suck the guy’s dick or something.”
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February 11th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Tim Ferry was mentally retarded, so when I took out his retainer, you could really see how fucked up his teeth were. They had this weird yellow paste on them and everything. Then he had to kinda slow kid limp all the way to go get it. Girls were laughing. I high fived Johnny after that. It was awesome.
That hurt a little, reading that. Poor Tim Ferry.
February 11th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
wow. i’m not sure if you’re trying to villify this fucker or not, but “The Staff” is not going to like this. its kinda of harsh, i mean, the guy IS being sentenced to die a slow and lonely death in detroit…
February 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
That was classic
February 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Yeah, but is he a land baron?
February 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
This seems 1000% accurate.
February 11th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
+1 el Duke
February 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Come on, you’re trying to tell me a D1 football player that’s not Myron Rolle has actually been in their school’s library?
February 11th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
“Best concert I ever saw in person? Shania. Definitely. Fuck, she’s hot.”
Gay Zorro’s calling and he wants his tickets back.
February 11th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
cold beer and hot pussy = 2 great tastes that go great together
#5 MADE ME LAUGH THE MOST
February 11th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
#26 – “I bet I up end up like that frozen guy they found in the bottom of that abandoned Detroit warehouse in 2-3 years when I get cut from the Lions. How cool would that be?”
February 11th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“I can bench press 345. I guarantee you Mark Sanchez can’t do that.”
This is probably true
February 11th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I hear Detroit’s a lovely place to be during an economic recession…
February 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
“I like the top part of the English muffin, but not the bottom.”
I always figured him to be a bottom.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
This new feature will surely help us bridge the gap to the combine. Also, I have to wonder if there are any top draft prospects that don’t have good party photos online. Who will have the first Brady Quinn Cock Touching photo show up?
February 11th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Having watched that fat pile of dogshit play against U.South Carolina the last 3 years (yes, I went there and am a fan, it’s embarrassing, they’re horrible, etc), I can confirm that Matthew Stafford does, in fact, suck horribly at football.
Great work out of you. Hope to see more of these about overrated fucktards getting drafted 3 rounds too high to keep the offseason fresh!
February 11th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
why is it so easy to make fact lists about shitty players?
February 11th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Fannnnntastic
February 11th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Oh I see what your doing here, your trying to make him the new Brady Quinn, good luck with that, Captain he’s no Stephen Garcia (who is?) but he’s alright.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
He is actually from Dallas. So we can replace Western Georgia with Eastern Louisiana. But the story stays the same either place I guess
February 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
“I ain’t too much for books. Sometimes it feels like they’re sittin’ in my lap laughin’ at me. So I tear out a few pages and it shuts ‘em up real quick.”
February 11th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
“Whenever I buy a pair of sweatpants, I always end up losing one side of the drawstring in one the holes in front. They should make some kind of special knot that keeps the drawstring from disappearing in there.”
Maj has the same problem with his hoodies.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Sage Rosencopter beat me to it. It’s too bad BDD didn’t know the staff was from Texas. Highland Park is solid gold material for anybody wanting to make fun of someone.
How about this kid’s jowels? What would they look like with a neckbeard?
February 11th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Yeah, Matt Stafford is from Texas. He’s also pretty wealthy.
Mark Sanchez is a rich little bastard too, except he’s from Orange County.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Son of Marmalard?
February 11th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
@Mo – Like a giant Ewok. Except an Ewok that can pull better pune than me
February 11th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
2 things about Andre Smith
1. I plan on holding out for a contract, and then showing up 40 lbs overweight.
2. My fingers are so huge, I can only fit one of them in John Parker Wilson’s vagina.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
@ Boba
Not many people are, it takes skill to get floored by 55 year old refs.
The SC quarterback situation is absolutely horrific. Only good thing this year was the non-stop “My Cock is Smelley” jokes about Chris Smelley (who transferred, so now we even lost that. Fuck.).
February 11th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Since when do you use soap in a gang bang? I thought you used vaseline.
February 11th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Regular feature? PRTY PLZ!!1
February 11th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Your sources continuously amaze me Drew. You dig up stuff nobody else ever manages to find out. How are you not CEO of ESPN already?
February 11th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Well, if one southern douchebag retard QB is going out, another southern douchebag retard QB has to go in. It’s the Circle of Douchebaggery; magnificent in destructive beauty.
February 11th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Come on the guy is from Highland Park and not one rich preppy d-bag joke?
February 11th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
@ A-rod
http://tidedruid.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/big_andre.jpg
February 11th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
QUESTION for COMMENTERS:
Speaking of Matthew Stafford and Mark Sanchez, which kind of preppy douchebag is worse, the Orange County Asshole or the Texan/Southern Asshole?
Tough call, but I’d give the edge to the Orange County Asshole- they misappropriate more hip-hop language and seem to think they’re in the entertainment industry.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
He definitely looks like a “Meet the Spartans” fan.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
26. My man Chris Brown would NEVER do that shit, dude.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
How are you not CEO of ESPN already?
Not enough of a moron?
February 11th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
#5 is WRAWNG!!! He’ll do at LEAST as well as David Greene ARP ARP ARP
P.S. Don’t forget UGA is precious Hines’ Arma Matel
February 11th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
can we please get a 25 things about Sextacy Grossman?
February 11th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Probably not because he sucks, he’s not a starting QB, and he sucks.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
I thought you said Matt Ufford and stopped reading.
February 12th, 2009 at 12:09 am
That is a perfect fucking picture – Trailer park, empty keg, young slut that spent last night getting fucked by the receivers……..The Staff taking credit for banging her!!!
February 12th, 2009 at 12:53 am
@ gino
I’m an Arkansas fan, but my money’s on Mallett… he has all the makings (and incidentally from– roughly — the same area). That is if Snead hasn’t already beaten him to it.
February 12th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Just like Matt Ryan was going to be a bust, right KSK?
February 12th, 2009 at 9:40 am
21-year olds shouldn’t have jowls. At what point do we stop calling it baby fat and just admit that Stafford is a lard ass?
February 12th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Yeah, Matt is from Highland Park, TX, an ultra rich suburb of Dallas next to SMU, Jerry Jones, Ross Perot and now George W., so he thinks he’s sweet … Country Bumpkin jokes are classix regardless
February 12th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Jared Lorenzen wants everyone to know he’s the original lard-ass QB.
February 12th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
@Punch:
+10
February 12th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
@Punch FTW
February 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
How did Stafford pass up the chance to play at SMU?
He’d have been paid more than June Jones. Damn.
February 16th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
No cheesecake factory? That’s my money place.
Awesome.