25 Random Things About Me: Bill Belichick
1. The only porn that does it for me is a good rape scene. And I’m not talking about that staged bullshit. The Belicock demands real tears.
2. I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.
3. I am an even bigger douchebag than you can begin to imagine. Number 2 on this list is just the tip of the iceberg.
4. I have developed four new methods to properly skin a cat. The hard part is keeping them alive.
5. Art Modell stole my idea to move the Browns.
6. I keep the clippings from every haircut I’ve ever had at a storage facility in New Jersey.
7. I’m pen-pals with Kim Jong-il. Good guy. Misunderstood.
8. Grumble.
9. I hired private investigators to follow every prospect we scout for the NFL Draft.
10. Plus I have a mole in every other team’s war room.
11. Scott Pioli is a figment of my imagination.
12. Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.
13. Bobby Knight is a fucking pussy.
14. I once fired an assistant coach for showing up to the practice facility wearing the very same sweatshirt I had briefly considered wearing.
15. I always piss clear.
16. And i always shit green.
17. I’m giving up two things for Lent this year. Carbs and forced sodomy.
18. I induced Tedy Bruschi’s stroke as a team-building exercise. He seemed cool with it.
19. My second toes were longer than my big toes so I ground them down to fall in line.
20. I have a cat named Bonkers whose life I value more than any human in my life.
21. Yes, I skinned Bonkers.
22. I fashioned a crude ushanka out of his pelt.
23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.
24. You need new sheets.
25. And a new bed.
Tags: 25 random things, Bill Belichick, it's satire people, Unsilent Majority
February 24th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
“Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.”
Maj and Bill have something in common.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Instant Classic
February 24th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Look down, you idiot. She didn’t buy those tits to fill out the shirt.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Well, if there’s no forced sodomy, there’s nothing to carb up for anyway.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.
And I used Bonkers as a condom.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Grumble. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
February 24th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
say what you want about BB, but i certainly hope i can pull in tail like that in my mid fifties.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Billy B would never stop at your wife. He’d wreck your daughter on the way out for “dessert”.
February 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
How are his forearms so tan in that picture? He must have tan through hoodies he wears in the off season…
February 24th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
When do we get 25 things about Jerry Jones?
February 24th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
16. And i always shit green.
I KNEW Belichick drank a shitload of Sambuca Black.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@dAndy: sleeveless hoodies, year-round
February 24th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I heard Tom Brady gets sloppy seconds after him.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Belichick is also the person who convinced Jayne Seymour to come out with her “Open Hearts” collection. Right after he fucked her in the ass in front of her children.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Then fucked her children, not as revenge mind you, but purely as an educational experience.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I want to see Bill’s porno with that chick
February 24th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Yes, I skinned Bonkers.
I couldn’t contain my laughter. My coworkers think I’m an idiot. Thanks UM
February 24th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
The tits are fantastic, but are unsexifyingly countered by the back-fat bulge from the bra strap.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
@ Weed: Then ran Seymour and the kids through a four-hour film session explaining their shortcomings as human beings.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
TDub, I think most of us would be willing to look past the back-fat bulge.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
What friggin’ “back fat”?
I say her elbows are too sharp and pointy-like.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
TDub, I could look past that. Its the teeth you better watch out for.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Upstate, Anyone within 6 degrees of separation of this blog would be willing to look beyond that
February 24th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I too keep all my hair clippings… I only cut my pubes …
February 24th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Indeed, I said the tits were “countered” by the strap bulge… not “negated.” I would still absolutely take a run at them.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Jokes on you Belichick, I don’t have a wife or a bed, so fuck you.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
“TDub, I could look past that. Its the teeth you better watch out for.”
I’m no expert, but I believe those teeth could be easily removed which would only increase the pleasure…from what I hear anyways……
February 24th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I don’t how Belichick can be scowling like that when there a big ol titties in front of him.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
BILL BELICHICK >>>>>>>>>>>SO MUCH IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MIKE TOMLIN
February 24th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
She looks like one of those OC “Real” Housewives or whatever the fuck they call themselves. Not a good thing. I’m convinced half of them are really trannys.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Thanksgiving Chimp: that was not only horribly unfunny, it was also an improper use of greater than/less than signs.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
26) Patriots fans’ assholes are really tight, especially when I’m wearing the Brady Jersey.
27) I like dressing up Bill Simmons as my gimp on Saturdays. Don’t tell his wife.
28) Ignore that last bit. I just told her when I fucked her.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
She’s not bad for 60 or so.
February 24th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Those are a great looking set of tits! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
February 24th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
The tits are great. The leather face…not so much.
And while I typed this, Bill just tracked down Adriana Lima in her honeymoon. Film at 11!
February 24th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
“I want to see Bill’s porno with that chick.”
I don’t.
February 24th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
29. My favorite pick-me-up comedy is “Schindler’s List”.
30. I stole Tom Brady’s son and replaced him with a changeling.
31. Whenever I go into someone’s house, I always insist on being told I’m invited- that way garlic and shit won’t work on me.
32. I’ve watched and timed every member of my coaching staff have intercourse- it’s in my contract.
33. I have to kill at least once a year- that’s also in my contract.
February 24th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
The real Wesleyan lacrosse captain would have listed 18-23 as:
18. You’re fucking disgusting
19. You’re fucking disgusting
20. You’re fucking disgusting
21. Real Madrid
22. You’re fucking disgusting
23. You’re fucking disgusting
/former roommate of a wesleyan lacrosse captain
February 24th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
She’s not bad for 60 or so.
I give him credit for dating women within 10 years of his age. Although obviously their breasts are a lot younger.
February 24th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I pluck the feathers of a live duck I call ‘Sherman’ only to watch them grow back.
February 24th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I don’t think that’s back fat. With tits that big and old, she needs some high tension cabling to keep those babies standing up. It takes Vince Wilfork and Matt Light 15 minutes to hook her brastrap together. Bill keeps them blindfolded of course.
February 24th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Now I’m all confused. Which co-worker’s wife that he’s fucking is that in the picture?
February 24th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
34. I let Tom Brady take credit for the baby. Bridget knows whats up.
February 24th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.
Its sentences like that keep me coming back, despite your hatred for my city and my favorite sports team. Bravo sir, Bravo.
February 24th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
FYI thats Curt Schilling’s wife’s sister
February 24th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Kim Jung-il is next up on William’s ‘drink this, I swear it’s not poison’ list, because as misunderstood as he may be: William doesn’t like competition – so Kim will soon be going the route of former pen pal – this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pol_Pot
February 24th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
“I’m somewhat reserved around people I don’t know. But I find once I’ve shot a video of them disrobing as they describe the death of a loved one, I’m really able to open up and be myself with them.”
February 24th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Brave UM, Bravo. I knew that Belichick bastard was giving the high hard one to all of your moms on the DL. That’s got to suck.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Weslyan > Colby. And it’s not even close.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
35. While you assholes were making comments on this post, I fucked your sister too.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
36. The fucking bitch gave me the clap. Or was that the other way around? I get confused if I don’t have a bottle of single malt beforehand.