1. The only porn that does it for me is a good rape scene. And I’m not talking about that staged bullshit. The Belicock demands real tears.

2. I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.

3. I am an even bigger douchebag than you can begin to imagine. Number 2 on this list is just the tip of the iceberg.

4. I have developed four new methods to properly skin a cat. The hard part is keeping them alive.

5. Art Modell stole my idea to move the Browns.

6. I keep the clippings from every haircut I’ve ever had at a storage facility in New Jersey.

7. I’m pen-pals with Kim Jong-il. Good guy. Misunderstood.

8. Grumble.

9. I hired private investigators to follow every prospect we scout for the NFL Draft.

10. Plus I have a mole in every other team’s war room.

11. Scott Pioli is a figment of my imagination.

12. Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.

13. Bobby Knight is a fucking pussy.

14. I once fired an assistant coach for showing up to the practice facility wearing the very same sweatshirt I had briefly considered wearing.

15. I always piss clear.

16. And i always shit green.

17. I’m giving up two things for Lent this year. Carbs and forced sodomy.

18. I induced Tedy Bruschi’s stroke as a team-building exercise. He seemed cool with it.

19. My second toes were longer than my big toes so I ground them down to fall in line.

20. I have a cat named Bonkers whose life I value more than any human in my life.

21. Yes, I skinned Bonkers.

22. I fashioned a crude ushanka out of his pelt.

23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.

24. You need new sheets.

25. And a new bed.