You go out one Saturday afternoon, the entire earth shifts on its axis. In case you missed it, Matt Cassel was dealt to the Chefs (GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY) with Mike Vrabel for a second rounder. A two? That’s it? Holy shit, someone called in a favor. Either that, or Scott Pioli still has those surveillance photos of Belichick banging Dina Lohan with a crescent wrench. Also, the Broncos tried to get Cassel by orchestrating a three-team trade involving Jay Cutler (Cutler’s reaction: “Whatever. Fine.”). And Florio’s PFT site is suddenly under the domain of NBC Sports. I expect Matt Millen to soon be a contributor. BREAKING NEWS: Millen says Ben Roethlisberger is dead. No, wait. That was a cactus.

The Patriots added an 18-year-old to their cheerleadering squad last year, so 41-year-old Shelley Lawlor of Medway thought she could represent the other polar of the age spectrum. Either that or Belichick is assembling his own dance team of married bitches. We’d write her a fake cheerleading biography, but it’d take up three posts. And don’t make any knocks about that 225 number representing her weight or your head will meet the business end of that FUPA.

Damn Pats. Where was Craig Robinson to tell her old ass to head home?

[Dauleriospin]

This week’s Sexy Friday is “House”-themed, because… well, I stumbled across these promo photos on Celebutopia, and Drew’s always had a thing for the “House” actresses, and nobody else was gonna do the Sexy Friday post.  Hey, it’s the offseason, people.

Not to detract from the hot TV broads, but Hugh Laurie wrote a pretty decent book.  Sorry, I know book-talk is a downer.  I’ll stop with the unsexy words.  Click away on the pictures until you get to the nice high-res images.

Well, well, well! Looks like you Yankee faggots ahhh about to get yar due! Far the legendary SAWX NATION FAITHFUL AHHH PREPAY-UHED FAR OW-UH MOST HISTARIC SEASON YET!!!

Wait.

What’s this?

“Vrabel Traded to Chiefs.”

WHAT THE FACK?!!!

Rawbart Kraft, how could you let this happen? You can’t trade Vrabel! HE WAS THE WELKAH OF THE DEFENSE! They-ah is no truah Pat than Mike Vrabel! He embawdied the kind of hahhhd-warkin’ ethic that people here-ah can relate to!

(buys scratch ticket)

THIS IS FACKED! Farst, Ted Jawnson pussies out awn us, and now this!

Well, whatevah! You know what? Let him go. LET HIM! You really think he’s going to be any good without THE FACKIN BASTON CROWD ROOTIN’ FAR HIM?! WE MADE HIM! NO ONE DENIES THIS! This is yet anothah brilliant move by Billy B, pawning off an oldah playah to Scawt Pioli. Pioli, YOU JUST GAWT BELICHECKED! HA HA HA HA HA!

(does lat pulls in jeans and no shirt)

But that doesn’t stop the hurt I feel. If you ahhhn’t from hee-yah, you can’t pawssibly undahstand what it was like to root far MIKE FACKING VRABEL! We bled with him! We went to wahhhh with him! We know him and he knew us! When he caused that pick against that faggot Kurt Warnah in the Supah Bowl, WE KNEW THAT PLAY WAS COMING! WE COULD TASTE IT! IT’S ALMOST AS IF WE WILLED HIM TO CREATE THAT PICK! NO OTHAH FANBASE HAS EVAH HAD THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A PLAYAH!

(buys Kodiak at Cumberland Farms)

But now I think he SACKS! FACK YOU, VRABEL! WE’LL GET FASTAH WITH SOME DAHHHKIE!

(takes off hat, fiddles with brim, puts hat back on backwards)

HEY VRABEL, MAKE ME A MAHHHTINI!

NOTE: More Pat fan anguish to wallow in here. HT to reader Stephen H.

I’M A FUCKING PIRATE! Kellen Winslow shipped to the Tampa theater of the great NFL war concern in exchange for munitions and draft picks. Who else could replace Jerramy Stevens?

For this week’s mock draft we’re selecting the man (or woman) we would want to put our life story on film. You can select any “behind the camera” type you’d like, with the exception of animators. That leaves you free to pick your favorite writers, directors, and/or producers who will in turn be responsible for crafting your very own biopic.

Draft order is as follows…

1. Drew
2. Flubby
3. KOGOD
4. Punte
5. Ufford
6. Ape

Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, anyone drafting Michael Bay will be blown up in a completely unnecessary explosion. Let the drafting commence.

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The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

According to Us Magazine, these crazy kids got married:

Seems to be the real deal, since they have details of a church and a dress (Dolce & Gabbana, obvs!) and whatnot.  Finally, we can stop hearing all the rumors and gossip about engagements and wedding plans… and start focusing on pregnancy rumors and gossip.

/punches self in crotch

(fackin Sawx and Dogs)

Batman, in town for a boat show, confronts Jerry “The King” Lawler dressed as Superman at a TV station in Memphis. Hilarity doth ensuit.

[From Nerve's list of the 20 oddest TV interviews ever]

Welcome to the latest installment in the sport blogosphere’s favorite guide to getting girls to grudgingly agree to anal. Actually, there shockingly weren’t any questions regarding taking a walk on the brown side this week, so I’m assuming girls everywhere have gotten the message. Instead, we have a slew of inquiries about endurance, slumpbusters and shark buggery. Onward, coiting ones.

Questions for further ‘bags go here. (Send your question today. It pisses Unsilent off for some reason to get them the same day the column runs.)

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