You Know Who Wants Baltimore to Win? Jesus.
Kissing Suzy Kolber EXCLUSIVE: Our sources say that all three members of the Holy Trinity (God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit) are rooting for the Baltimore Ravens this Sunday. Several well-placed sources confirm that if the Steelers win, it’s a sign that Satan has finally won the ultimate battle of Good and Evil, and that we will soon be minions in Hell regardless of our faith. Which is basically the same thing as life on Earth if the Steelers win a sixth Super Bowl, anyway.
Hey, don’t kill the messenger. We only report the facts as we get them.
Tags: captain caveman, god's chosen assholes, Joe Flacco is your new bicycle, Ufford Photoshops
January 14th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I think you mean don’t kill the snitch.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Why isn’t there a tag for “Seattle fans bitching”?
January 14th, 2009 at 9:05 am
The Steelers will settle for Yahweh, Muhammad, Vishnu and a host of other deities who could fuck that little carpenter boy up.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:05 am
No shit. “Seattle fans still bitching”
*Waaaaaa*
January 14th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I never thought I’d be so glad to see a picture of Ray Lewis, but whatever bumps “CSI: Fallujah” off the top of the site is as beautiful as a sunset made of puppies.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Try Ganesh. He has multiple arms, all of them with better hands than Mark Clayton.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
How dare you replace me with Ray Lewis! I’ve killed far more people than he ever has. I demand you retract this posting!
January 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
So is Ray Lewis also responsible for all the murders in the Bible?
January 14th, 2009 at 9:18 am
God said picking between Baltimore and Pittsburgh was like choosing between Sodom and Gomorrah and we all know how that turned out.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:19 am
You know what? If a Seattle fan wants to keep bitching, I see no problem. Seattle fans have EARNED that bitterness. And when it comes at the expense of the Steelers’ fuckstick bandwagon fans, all the better. That group of double-chinned dipshits has gotten a free pass too long.
As a lifelong 49ers fan, I think I know a thing or two about fuckstick bandwagon fans. WHERE ARE YOU NOW THAT THE TEAM IS AWFUL, SHITHEADS?
January 14th, 2009 at 9:23 am
FUCK YOU STEELER CUNTS.
Get a fucking sense of humor already.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:25 am
The Steelers are greater than any god. Oh, they’re no more or less likely to answer your prayers on Sunday, but at least they show their work.
Okay, that applies to any sports team, but the sentiment is there. Football is far more important and meaningful than religion, even if the fans of other teams are apostate heretics.
//Yes, I know that’s a misuse of the word apostate, but it just looks so cool in there.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:26 am
@Captain Caveman: I do. I’m funnier than you are, or at least that’s what your mom told me last night. It was hard to tell, she was laughing so hard telling stories about how your penis never really grew in during puberty. It might have been that I’m funny, and you’re funny looking.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Is the “t3knomanser” related to the techno viking?
January 14th, 2009 at 9:28 am
@Hop Union: I’m not nearly that cool. But then again, what is as cool as the Techno Viking?
January 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Oh, you slept with my mom and my penis is small? And I’m funny looking? Oh that is a BURN. Well played, my friend.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Oh snap!
January 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am
“Get a fucking sense of humor already.”
That costs cash money, homey, and cash is scarce around the confluence.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Good thing they blurred out Ray-Ray’s frontspiece
January 14th, 2009 at 9:30 am
@Captain Caveman: I’m glad you can appreciate my savvy and cunning rhetorical victory. Well met on the field of battle, and all that.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Shouldn’t t3knomanser be in study hall?
January 14th, 2009 at 9:31 am
These ‘ufford photoshops’ keep getting better and better
January 14th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Plus Jesus will be too busy partying with Kurt Warner after the NFC Title Game to concentrate on the late game.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:35 am
@ape: I heard Jesus modeled nude for Warner that night. Kurt used charcoal, which I think is a bit pretentious.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
@Johnny D: Packing their Welker jerseys away until next fall. Of course, the injury to Brady and the departures of Pioli and McDaniels might justify a look at that surprisingly plucky Arizona team. If they beat Philly and shock the world in the Super Bowl, then all bets are off.
Me, I’m just hoping that that Coach Singletary is for real. And that the new OC (whoever he is) sticks around for more than one year.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
So…are we finally at the point where we miss the Patriots? They could stop the Steeler apocalypse cold.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I’m sorry, but that photoshop doesn’t look anything like what Kurt Warner showed me God looks like.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Santa hates the fucking Steelers too. He isn’t quite sure how to feel about a Xmas Ape.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Ufford forgot to Photoshop the knife in Ray-Ray’s right hand.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:50 am
“Get a fucking sense of humor already.”
Baby steps. Let’s work on running water and literacy today, and jokes next week.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Pfft, I’m the only one to ever properly burn CC.
Let me do this.
CC, you cheer for a team that I believe is inferior in every aspect to the team I diligently root for. You may also consider that my teams star player is more deserving of an award that pundits theorized is more apt to be given to your teams star player. And your father is of questionable hygiene.
Also, Kurt Warner is disappointed in you.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@t3k, you forgot to call CC “gay”. that really would have been an awesome comeback.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:58 am
We Hindus also have a female deity who carries a sword in each of her 8 hands and rides a tiger. I think she’s a Steeler fan.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:00 am
@Ape, the knife is there you just can’t see it. Ray-Ray is hiding it in his pants.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:05 am
FIX YO SOUL
vs.
Amend the smithy of my nothingness…
Ravens v. Eagles in the Crabsteaks Bowl
January 14th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I kind of hope the steelers keep winning just so caveman can put up more posts about it and get into fights with more readers. becuase that’s entertainment.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:12 am
@MSP1: if he had not conceded so rapidly, I most likely would have added that deprecation to the list, while commenting on the fact that being gay is of no real consequence, since he’s impotent and incontinent and can’t even get cock at a gloryhole.
But he conceded quickly, rendering such additions utterly superfluous.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:16 am
@t3knomanser:
He debates like you fuck.
Ohhh, shit! I accused you of being a premature ejacultor! Now what?
January 14th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Seeing Ufford break out over the past month has been a sight to behold. It’s like watching Koufax in ‘61.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:20 am
The existence of King Dickhead, Ray Lewis, on this earth (and in a Ravens uniform) makes this avowed Steeler-hater very conflicted about who to root against Sunday. Fuck!
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:22 am
@whowillsexmutombo?: It’s a superpower. A sexual ultra-function.
“Are you okay? I came as fast as I could.” (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1390)
January 14th, 2009 at 10:28 am
@DC – you forgot to mention that CC’s mother’s choice of footwear is of a military design
I was just down in the shop and I asked Jesus myself about Baltimore or Pittsburgh. All he said was ‘no habla ingles’
January 14th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Tommy from Quinzee himself couldn’t lower the level of discourse on this site faster than the comments that come when Ufford calls out Yinzer Nation.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Jesus is too busy playing baseball to care about these games.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBU5e2HqcrA
January 14th, 2009 at 10:50 am
is it too late to vote for t3kknomanser’s blog?
January 14th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Shouldn’t God be handing a knife to Ray Ray in that picture?
January 14th, 2009 at 11:05 am
If Ray had a knife in his back hand he would look like he’s ready to stab God.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I didn’t know the discourse on this site was supposed to be high.
Yinzer Nation is looking forward to the weekend too much to care about a Seahawks fan who is good with pastel Photoshops.
(Really, the image is quality)
January 14th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Someone should stab God for giving Ray the ability to come up with that fucktard dance he performs.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:12 am
@Arlow – Dammit, that would have been good.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:15 am
@SL22: SRSLY. This site isn’t exactly the Wall St. Journal. It’s crude and amusing. The comment threads are a few steps above YouTube comments. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s worth noting that the Steelers are the only team seeded higher than 5 that’s still in the running. All of the “anointed” teams got upset by teams that were considered cupcakes. The Ravens are no cupcake team, and definitely could beat the Steelers with a little luck. I don’t think they’re going to get that luck in Pittsburgh. But Ray Lewis could still stab Big Ben, and that’s a real concern.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:15 am
…and change God’s face to O.J. Simpson.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@t3k, Arizona is a 4 seed
January 14th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@MSP1: Why did I think they were #5? No idea. Still, all the “anointed” teams were toppled. Only the lower half of the playoff seeds made it to the championship- except the Steelers.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:28 am
My former boss is a Steelers fan. He’s already an asshole to begin with, but hear this: he was not born in Pennsylvania or anywhere near Pittsburgh (He’s from New Orleans) and he became a fan of the Steelers in the early 70s. That makes him a Super Asshole.
I’ll be rooting for Knifey this Sunday.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Arizona had the 5th best record of the NFC play-off teams, but got the 4th seed for winning the NFC West
January 14th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Ray Lewis? Isn’t that the guy who was found innocent by a jury of his peers?
January 14th, 2009 at 11:40 am
thanks for posting that CC, reminds me that SNL was once funny
January 14th, 2009 at 11:42 am
i’m an idiot, wrong post.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Isn’t Ray the only man to lead the league in tackles and murders in a single season?
January 14th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I thought we agreed that the whole trinity involved locker room mist and a lycanthrope
January 14th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Get a fucking sense of humor already.
Uff, there’s nothing funny about the phrase “Ray Lewis: Two-time Super Bowl Champion”
January 14th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
God sure does talk to the KSK staff a lot. So is it Ape or Caveman who’s blowing all the prophets?
January 14th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
So can the Steelers just lose so all these fucktasters can go back to making brake pads and sweeping chimneys and just leave us the fuck alone?
January 14th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Come on, ov course God wants the Ravens to win. He’ll take a wrongly persecuted guy over a guy who beats his girlfriend
January 14th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I didn’t know the discourse on this site was supposed to be high.
It’s at least supposed to be funny.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Hmm, well Ray Lewis plead guilty to obstruction of justice, so I don’t know how wrongly prosecuted he was.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
@ “Charm”Cityfan:
You mean pled down to a lesser offense. Sorry, he wasn’t found innocent.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Christmas Ape…. how many times have you called Ray a murderer? Shouldn’t you be calling him a Justice Obstructor?
January 14th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
He tried to help someone else get away with murder. Much better.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
nope…he testified against them
January 14th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Martha Stewart went to prison for her obstruction of justice rap. Ray Lewis just got probation for his.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
That’s because Ray was only involved with a little thing like murder, while Martha was fucking with the man’s MONEY. Gotta love America.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
LOVIN’ the Ray Ray. HH@showoffsports.com
January 14th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
nope…he testified against them
Yes. He agreed to testify rather than face more severe charges. So he’s a felon and a snitch. Gotta love him.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
You can keep the Holy Trinity. I need to know, who is TEBOW backing?
January 14th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
@ Hakim Drops the Ball
My former boss is a Steelers fan. He’s already an asshole to begin with, but hear this: he was not born in Pennsylvania or anywhere near Pittsburgh (He’s from New Orleans) and he became a fan of the Steelers in the early 70s. That makes him a Super Asshole.
===============
Hakim, you just described 75% of the Stealers fanbase. And Cowboys fanbase. And Yankees fanbase. And 100% of Ape.
January 14th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
putting on my black and gold corspepaint
I’m in league with Steelers I was raised in hell
I walk the streets of Salem
Amongst the living dead
I need no one to tell me
What’s wrong or right
I drink the blood of children
Stalk my prey at night
Look out beware
When the full moon’s high n’bright
In every way I’m there
In every shadow in the night
Cause I’m evil in league with Steelers
Evil in league with Steelers
I’m in league with Steelers
Obey his commands
With the goat of Mendes
Sitting at his left hand
I’m in league with Steelers
I love the dead
No one prayed for Sodom
As the people fled
I’m in league with Steelers
I am the masters own
I drink the juice of women
As they lie alone
I’m in league with Steelers
I bear the devils mark
I kill the new born baby
Tear the infants flesh
January 14th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Well, I’m not old enough to have started liking them in the early ’70s. I began liking the Steelers in the ’80s, when they weren’t winning shit. Of course, that won’t stop Barrack Billick from hurling groundless claims of bandwaginism, but then he’s a whiny bitch. More shocking is the lack of Walt Coleman references in his last comment.
Ravens fans pretend like they have a small core of loyal fans, but all the purple shit leaves the greater Baltimore area* real fast once their fans realize a Super Bowl is not imminent.
*No Ravens fans live in Baltimore City
January 14th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
@Ape
Except the purple camo cowboy hats… they give those to their mothers to wear as “props” for their evening entertainment professions.
DC, you got your notebook out? Sharpen that crayon, turn down the volume on Charlie the Unicorn, and write this shit down.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Yes, Ray-Ray did so much to help out his murdering friend that he might as well have plunged the knife himself, and he (still) deserves to be punished for it. However, Stiller fans are here right now, irradiating my soul with their douchebaggery like nuclear fallout. This thread is but a small example of that fact.
Until the day Lewis tries to stab ME, my mind won’t change. That’s right; Steeler fans are so awful that only actual murder will sway my vote. Let’s go, Not-The-Steelers!
January 14th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Sorry about my blunder on the legal call with Ray. My friend’s dad used to make that joke whenever people brought up OJ, but it’s not really usable anymore.
Also I’m not sure what you mean about all the purple leaving the greater Baltimore area, maybe our cloaking works afterall?
At least Ravens’ fans move within the vicinity of the city, as opposed to Steeler fans who have metastasized in seemingly every suburb of the country. The only thing that separates Steeler fans and Cowboy fans is weather. Nobody denies this.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Best.Post.Ever.
My favorite two things. God and the Ravens. And I sound like a Flanders child.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Kurt Warner thinks that portrait of God is inaccurate.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I like how all my life I’ve marvelled at all of the Steeler bars I’ve seen everywhere I’ve visited and how we always had a ton of fans at our away games. I always thought we were a pretty loyal bunch, us Steeler fans. People would make fun us, say Cowher couldn’t win the big one, and tell us our best years were way behind us (the 70s), but we soldiered on.
But the minute we win another Super Bowl a few years back, we’re all all of the sudden bandwagoners!! Do yourself a favor, next Steeler fan you see ask about his connection to Pittsburgh. I bet he has one. Do the same to a Cowboys fan.
If it’s all just bandwagon fans because of the Super Bowl three years ago, why don’t other teams that have won recently have this many fans? Where is the huge, nationwide Buccaneer contingent? C’mon….
January 15th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Too bad this is a complete rip off of the banner that hangs at Heinz Field with Big Ben on it. Nice Try losers
January 15th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Only Baltimore fans would think God would want a team lead by a man who was an acsessory to murder…Double homicide in fact… to win this week. Plus the Baltimore Birdies have a male cheerleading team… I think we all know God is waiving a Terrible Towel as we speak.