Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!
(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)
BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!
Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!
(puts keys in toaster)
That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!
(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)
Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!
(has porno movie on whenever company is over)
But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!
(lifts up back of shirt)
YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!
Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.
Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!
1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!
As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Newt-Gingrich-Releases-2010-Tax-Return1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/pkpti-150x150.jpg)
What’s funny is that three out of the four road teams won this weekend. Tawmmy could have made some money this weekend.
i fucks with the tawmstah
There have been a couple of times in the past when I thought that Simmons’ columns were influenced by (stolen from) KSK or the Jamboroo. This week was another one of those times.
And I refuse to listen to his podcasts. I shudder to think what kind of people listen to his podcasts for anything other than unintentional comedy value.
“BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH!”
Nobody denies this.
Ah, this was good to read. My hate for the Steelers was getting too strong. Now I’m reminded that Steeler fans are still nothing compared to the douchery of Pats fans.
Can anyone else not resist scrolling down and reading all the actions in parentheses before reading the whole post?
@ Chimp
Drew’s a Vikings fan.
“My guess is its a 3-0 game; I took the points for the Chargers, but am not cocky enough to pick them straight up for the win.”
Oh hey, I am. Chargers by 67
Still blogging about the Patriots? They’re not even in the playoffs! Steelers fans are obsessed with us. It’s insane.
Just out of curiosity- What’s it called when you root for the Steelers even though there are like 5 teams that are geographically closer than Pittsburgh?
That’s right… intelligence.
The Charger’s defense has improved a lot since the first meeting, however, neither team has any semblance of an O-Line. My guess is its a 3-0 game; I took the points for the Chargers, but am not cocky enough to pick them straight up for the win.
@Ocho: Trust me, I’m still writing my thank-you note to Tom Cable (cc: Jon Gruden).
You know, at this point it’s almost impossible for me to talk to my best friend (who is a HUGE Giants homer, and hates the Pats) without talking like Tommy. Whether it’s in person, texts, etc… it comes out like Tommy.
Man, I never really got the Tawmmy/Simmons parallel until the last few editions of it. Has it always been this obvious and I was just oblivious? Or has it slowly morphed into a Simmons shit parade over time.
/Patriots fan who acknowledges Bill Simmons is getting worse and worse
would stop. god i’m a retard.
@Chamomiles Davis: Maybe he would, were it not for the fact that they’re in the playoffs by the grace of the Oakland Raiders.
I met the real Tommy from Quinzee in a Red Sox bar in LA over New Years. He was going off on how the PATS GOT FACKED being 11-5 and not in the playoffs. Then i pointed out on TV the Dolphins/Jets game on replay and he spontaneously combusted.
And it’s Jeff Triplette’s crew doing Sunday’s game
http://www.football-refs.com/nfl-referees-by-season/2008-crews/playoffssuper-bowl/
The reffing in the first Steelers-Chargers game was already pretty heavy in your guys’ favor, so I’d doubt it.
Dear Sports Guy,
Keep picking against the Eagles, douchebag.
@Ape: Let’s just hope Hochuli isn’t reffing the game as he’ll freebie us a victory.
@Ape – then that explains the Eagles fans this week
I just noticed Stephen King under Tommy’s left arm.
Easy to be cocky when you know you shouldn’t have been in the playoffs in the first place.
The Steelers will lose to secure one more viewing of the SD cheerleaders, you heard it here first. Norv Turner’s playoff record 4-2; Tomlin’s 0-1 with him losing at home last year… this is a weird world we live in where Norv has more playoff experience then the opposition.
Simmons is Tawmmy! Tawmmy, Simmons!
Yeah but the Steelers pic covers both sexes, man and hippo.
I think Natrone is trying to say that all Chargers fans are pussies.
Its not San Diego’s fault that there are lots of hot women there.
Ape you know who else roots for the chargers!?
Because they’re paid to?
You forgot throwing in some ideas stolen from Malcom Gladwell’s new book to try and make himself sound profound. Then on the next podcast have his spot blown up by one of his guests.
/licks own taint
//also doesn’t get the keys in toaster thing
I tried really, really hard to find this clip on YouTube; but to no avail.
Mort was on NFL Countdown two weeks ago talking about how Tim Tebow would be a great fit on the New England Patriots due to his “position flexibility”. Right….
/runs out and buys 75 Tebow jerseys
Ape you know who else roots for the chargers!?
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/20900/chargers_cheerleader.jpg
http://i.cdn.turner.com/sivault/multimedia/photo_gallery/0711/nfl.cheerleaders.week12/images/op4s-6402-mid.jpg
http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii233/mikesilvia/Marlina-Moreno-Cheerleader17.jpg
WE KNOW VEGAS BATTAH THAN VEGAS DOES!
So what kind of battah is that? Baby battah?
Fack you, Victawh Prawfit!
289,
that may be close, but Tawmmy’s pic just screams loud-mouth East Coast trash. I would actually consider partying with the guy in your picture.
p.s. I enjoyed the Brianna Banks picture a little more than this new one.
He’s right you know, I am a TAINTLICKAH!
Also, those gambling rules are pretty solid. I love how number 1 and 8 gang up on the fackin’ Colts.
@Reggies Pimp – What the hell, it can’t be worse than Maj’s.
I’ve got $50 to try on the Tawwmy from Quinzee Gambling System. Who’s with me?!
(watches porno movie with Larry Bird highlights spliced in)
Nice photo, 289. Ape has really let himself go.
@ TDub:
It is true, no one denies this!!!
that’s some sweet HTM” right there ^
In Simmons’ defense (!), the San Diego fans who bitch that Rivers has supposedly never cussed in all his G.D. life don’t realize this makes him look, somehow, even worse. A guy who talks a bunch of shit but makes sure to keep it profanity-free? Quintessence of douche.
I saw wawtchin’ them like a hawk,/i> and thought “what the hell is a hock?”
@Tdub:
Abso fackin’ lutley.
But this is pretty bad. http://www.thebostonchannel.com/2008/0111/15032858.jpg
Tdub, I don’t know.
http://us.tnpv.net/2006/NTA200602/NTA2006020665282_PV.jpg
I’m pretty sure Simmons formed all his opinions of Phil Rivers from this site. I know I did.
TDub:
I will try though. http://blackandgoldtchotchkes.wordpress.com/2009/01/09/you-know-who-roots-for-san-diego/
Does anyone have the link to the original Tommy post?
As hard as you will try, you will never find a picture that is more representative of its respective fanbase than TAWMMY from Quinzee’s picture.
It’s a true find.
Christ, is it just me or between the Millen rant and Chargers cheerleader lust, did Simmons crib like half of today’s column from yesterday’s Jambaroo?
damnit, i suck at the internets.
/slinks away in shame.
When Tommy tries to wrap his head around Doc Rivers, does a cheap whiskey-flavored steam pour out of his ears?
(puts keys in toaster)
<a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwSYBMLTbWY” Hey…FUCK YOUUU
this visual almost caused a spit take…
jerks
Rawjah Goodell is a mucus plug! He’s ruinin owah wintah!
Ape, remember Simmons did his 2006 NFL preview without ever mentioning the Steelers. 400,768 words never once mentioned the defending champs. So Bill, GET FUCKED !!!
/yinzer-ism growing more powerful as Sunday approaches.
I’ve never spent much time in New England, so I’m afraid the “puts keys in the toaster” move doesn’t register.
PROBABLY BECAUSE I’MMA STUPID FACK
Is there a way to get more words here to have the random coloring? The dadaist use of neon green on some nouns, the inexplicable dark-blue hotlinks on proper names?
Because as it currently stands, I’m finding posts here to be almost readable.
/going to fuck myself, thanks
*enough to
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
I think Tommy meant THEN
so when do the Pats draft Tim Tebow?
(has porno movie on whenever company is over)
Outstanding
I’m calling BS. No way Tommy is smart realize this.
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
clap. clap. clap. clap.
I down’t like the Steelahs this week becawse they were 3-4 against playahff teams in the regulah season. What? The Chahgahs we-ah 0-5? FACK YOU! THEY DIDN’T KILL WELKAHHH KID OF STEEL!