What in the Flippin’ G-D Heck Happened Out There?
Reporter: You came out strong on the opening drive, but then you didn’t get back into the endzone until you’re down big in the 4th quarter. What happened?
Philip Rivers: They simply made the plays you have to make to win these games, but gosh darn it if we didn’t give it our all. And you can’t turn the ball over in the playoffs, and sure as abstinence is the safest sex, that’s what we did.
But, you know me, clean-cut humble God-fearing Philip Rivers, I’m not gonna get all hot and bothered and let loose some profanity-strewn tirade. Nope. Just not my thing. We had a good run. All credit to the Steelers. Heckuva team they got there.
Our guys have nothing to be ashamed of. We could’ve hung it all up when we were 4-8. But we dug in our heels and made a dandy little run, didn’t we? What? Huh? What? We sure did!
Just came up a little short of the final goal.
Reporter: Thanks.
Rivers: Thank you.
Rivers: [Singing loudly to self] Ain’t nothing gonna break-ah my stride. Ain’t nothing gonna slow me down. Oh no…
[Door flies open]
Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaayyyyyyyyy!
ASK THEM WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT! YOU PIGFUCKERS RUINED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACH-KILLING TOUR™ YOU KNOW HOW MANY T-SHIRTS I HAD PRINTED?! NOW I GOTTA SHIP ‘EM ALL TO WHEREVER THE FUCK MANUMALEUNA IS FROM! I EXPECT FULL REIMBURSEMENT FOR YOUR FAILURE!
Fuck you Norv! I want a cut of the retarded challenge clause in your contract. Fuck you, defense. YOU MADE THE FUCKING STEELERS LINE LOOK GOOD! THAT’S LIKE MAKING THE CUTLERFUCKER LOOK LIKE A CHEERFUL AMIABLE SOUL! IT’S APT BECAUSE HE’S A MOROSE DICKSMACK! Fuck you, Jackson. IF YOU MAKE AN INSANE CATCH ON AN OVERFLOAT, DON’T LET THE GROUND JAR IT LOOSE! WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS! Fuck you, –
Darren Sproles: Hey, this is coming from the guy who threw the pick on the first play after my long return.
[Rivers grabs Tiny Darren's megaphone and hurls it at the wall. It hangs in the air long enough for Antonio Gates to grab it just short of a first down marker]
Rivers: YOU’VE FALLEN FROM THE GRACE OF THE LASERFACE, TINY DARREN! Where were the big plays when we were still in the game, five dollar foot tall fuckface? Once I get the team to trade LaGroinInjury, you will be the one to fail me over and over again. Where the fuck is that useless sack of Vizio pixels?
[On field]
Tomlinson: You had an injury. Yet you got better. How is this possible?
Willie Parker: You try bike?
Tomlinson: I tried bike.
Parker: I suggest more bike.
Tomlinson: Okay.
Nice hat.
[Locker room]
Rivers: Why the full-fledged fatbottom fuck are you just sitting there!? No wonder we got our shit pushed the fuck around by those black and gold cockswirlers. No heart between the lot of you! NOR ARE THERE COCKS!
Wait. What is fuck is that, Chambers?
Chris Chambers: Camera.
Rivers: Why, to record your ongoing failure so you can jack to it later?
Chambers: That or you cussing.
Rivers: SON OF A SYPHILITIC TRANNY BITCH! I’ll lose my prized Chick-Fil-A endorsement. THEY LOVE THE CHURCHY ANGLE! AND THEY LOVE THE SOUTH! AND I GOT BOTH!
[Chambers runs off to reporters, Rivers lumbers awkwardly in pursuit]
Tags: cue annoying Chargers fans who say Rivers never cusses, marmalard, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
January 13th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
five dollar foot tall fuckface
hahahaha….classic. Will be added to the repertoire.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
So I’m guessing I’m not the only one who saw Simmons mention Marmalard and the annoying Chargers fan in his last column.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Simmons was right to kill those fuckhead emailers.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
It is a known FACT that not only does Chris Chamber not own a camera, he has never used one before because he’s afraid they will steal his soul. Everyone in San Diego knows this. To imply otherwise is poor journalism!
January 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Good thing Favre will bitchass his way out of the Pro Bowl he doesn’t deserve to go to. Marmalard should have one more door to burst through.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Tomlinson: You had an injury. Yet you got better. How is this possible?
Willie Parker: You try bike?
Tomlinson: I tried bike.
Parker: I suggest more bike.
Tomlinson: Okay. Nice hat.
So I see the Rongrastname Headspot Owie disease is making its way around the NFL now. Beware!!! IT IS CONTAGIOUS!!!
January 13th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Golly, my ears are burning.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Tiny Darren + oversized megaphone = gold.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I’m just sad that this might be the last Rivers post. The world is lesser for it. I guess I need to talk to Tim Tebow for 5 minutes to make my life better.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
They are nice hats though. Covers the head from allowing total bitchassness heat from escaping their bodies.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Now that laserface is done for the season, maybe he can be a guest commenter on the KSK sexmailbag?
January 13th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I also like Chick-Fil-A and the south.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
j4b beat me to it.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
do you think Marmalard and the bolts sucking their way out of the playoffs might actually have given Sulkface Cutlerfucker something to smile about?
you’re right, probably not…
January 13th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
[Rivers grabs Tiny Darren's megaphone and hurls it at the wall. It hangs in the air long enough for Antonio Gates to grab it just short of a first down marker]
The story of his life. FLOATERCEPTION!
January 13th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Fact. A Bike can heal any injury, it’s also good at curing AIDS, cancer and lupus. Fact.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
The next time my boss whines about something, I’m going to bust out “I suggest more bike.”
Good stuff Ape.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
To imply otherwise is poor journalism!
What the fuck does journalism have to do with KSK?
January 13th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Yes but Rivers doesn’t cuss!!!
January 13th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Grace of the Laserface, cant decide if thats a better fantasy team name or Band Name.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I hate the Chargers. At least have the dignity to go win a Super Bowl, like everyone EXCEPT YOU GUYS that beats the Colts.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
+1 on Marmalard guest commentating the KSK mailbag. I can’t make it a whole off-season without him!
/Tears up a little
January 13th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
As soon as I saw San Diego Chargers locker room. I knew this was a great post!
January 13th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
“Simmons was right to kill those fuckhead emailers.”
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
January 13th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I KNEW that Norv had a retarded challenge clause in his contract. It all makes sense now!
January 13th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I too will miss laserface… however, the “More Bike” line had me rolling. Bra-fucking-vo.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I’m a Chargers fan, but I have to say I love the Marmalard stuff. It’s hilarious!
In some sick way, it helps me cope with all the years of coming up short.
And those Bolt fans who bitch and moan about Rivers being portrayed wrong need to grow up. It’s pathetic that they got all defensive about how the “Chargers are hated” now when they’ve been hating on the Pats for years. That’s what happens when you make the playoffs for consecutive years. People start to hate on you and make jokes. Whatever.
January 13th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
He can always try to get the world famous Ukrop’s endorsement…
They’re even closed on Sundee’s so good Christian folk can get to Church and rest like God wants us to…
January 13th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
YOU’VE FALLEN FROM THE GRACE OF THE LASERFACE!
Oh boy, am I stealing that one.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
This was great. Gates catching the megaphone just short of the first down marker was a hidden gem.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Please tell me tiny Darren talks like Prince in real life.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
During the CBS pre-game show when they were saying who’d be the better 2004 QB – Rivers, Manning or Roethlisdonkey – every single one of them wanted to say “I won’t say Rivers, because he’s a dick” but couldn’t…but you could just tell
January 13th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
“The good thing about bein’ short is that everyone else is tall.”
-Emmitt Smith
January 13th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Now Sproles can go back to his other job being Tom Cruise. He’s short, I tells ya! Short!
January 14th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Funny thing, as a Chargers fan I like these posts more than I like Rivers…
/can’t trust someone who doesn’t cuss.