Tim Couch’s Hooters Gal And Bulls–t Honeymoon Mandates. The KSK Football/Sex Advice Mailbag
Before we get to your questions for the week, I wanted to quickly point out this most excellent story about Tim Couch from the comments yesterday. In case you missed it, commenter “…and you stay classy, lexington” wrote in to say…
Here’s a quality Tim Couch story. Some friends and I went to a strip club with Tim. He told us about the time he brought home a Hooters girl and banged her in his marital bed. The next day, Mrs. Couch is making the bed and finds the full Hooters girl outfit—sexy orange shorts, tank top—in the sheets. She immediately confronts Tim. Tim, showing much more awareness and ingenuity than he ever did while under pressure in the pocket, said, “Oh yeah, babe, I thought we could try some role-playing.” In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees INTO it. She puts on the outfit, and Tim bangs her in the same bed.
Since this story was published on the internet by an anonymous person, I think I feel comfortable saying THIS STORY IS 100% TRUE DOWN TO THE LAST DETAIL. I’m the sort of person who believes everything I read about people, because it helps me swiftly judge them, without giving them a chance to defend themselves. And so I must say, after reading this, that Tim Couch is PHILANDERING SCUMBAG OF THE HIGHEST ORDER AND UNFIT TO RUN FOR SENATE.
Some questions remain from this story, though. First of all, why would the Hooters girl leave her uniform in the bed? Did she have other clothes she brought with her? Did she stagger home nude? Wouldn’t Hooters have charged her for losing her outfit? I’ve seen Hooters waitresses. They’d chain themselves to a moving semi if it meant saving a buck. And wouldn’t the sleazy Hooters manager have punished her for losing the outfit by sodomizing her with a bowling pin? There’s no way she would have just left it there.
However, I totally believe the idea of Heather Kozar buying Tim’s excuse for the outfit being there. She’s a Playmate. I can’t imagine it’s too hard to pull the wool over her eyes.
“No, baby. I bought that outfit for you.”
“No, baby. That’s not lipstick from another woman on my collar. That’s Perry Ellis’ signature collar design. He uses real lipstick on every shirt.”
“No, baby. I’m not having a threesome right now. This is just for a class.”
“No, baby. That’s not my baby momma. That’s our surrogate. THAT’S WHY WE HAVE TO BUY HER AN APARTMENT.”
I bet she’s had at least one Scientology audit in her lifetime.
Anyway, onto your questions. Wanna be part of the KSK football/sex advice mailbag next week? Email us here. As always, you must include one question about football (fantasy or otherwise), and one question about sex. Points for brevity, sincerity, and any questions that don’t require me to look up Fordyce’s on Wikipedia. GAH! Let’s muff dive in.
It seems that recently all the hot chicks I’ve been meeting are engaged.
It’s called Utah, and you shouldn’t be living there.
Normally, I’m of the mind that I don’t go after chicks who are hooked up (unless they’re tremendously slutty and throwing it at me. In which case, then what the hell was the guy doing getting together with that kind of girl?).
Normally, I don’t fuck other guy’s girlfriends, unless they allow me to fuck them.
But since I’ve been on a long and dry spell, I’m thinking of bypassing this rule for a cute blonde who I know is engaged. Now, I’ve met her fiance and he’s a cool dude.
Probably not THAT cool. “Bang my wife? Why, that’s a jim dandy idea!”
Should I go through with it?
Uh, no?
And if so, what’s the best way?
How the fuck should I know? Who do you think I am, TIM COUCH?
Or should I just continue surfing the Net for porn and plan on hooking up at their wedding?
Works for me. Let’s just go to your football inquiry.
As for football, here’s a simple question: I suck at fantasy football. Convince me to give it another try.
-Alfredo
Don’t give it another try. Don’t you understand you’ve given yourself a gift by leaving? Why would you want to come back to the world of fantasy ball, where your dreams are continually crushed every year because FUCKING DEANGELO WILLIAMS DECIDED TO START PLAYING WELL THE ONE GODDAMN SEASON YOU DIDN’T OWN HIM? FUCKING FUCK!
Next letter, please…
Football: As a long-time Niners fan, I feel like what they have been missing since Jerry and T.O. left was a dominant WR.
And a quarterback.
My question is, do they have a more pressing need?
Quarterback.
I know they could use a pass rusher or an interior o-line guy…
Or a quarterback.
…but a guy like Michael Crabtree seems to be exactly what they need right now.
If they had a quarterback.
And if he doesn’t fall to San Fran’s spot, is there any other big WR they should take off the board?
Yes, if he plays quarterback.
Sex: My fiancee and I agreed, and by that i mean she declared, that the upcoming 2 months before our wedding will be sex-free in an effort to make our honeymoon more special. Seeing as I’m going to have to go along with this no sex rule, how can I deftly take advantage of this situation to get a lot of head without coming off like a douche?
-Blue Ballin
That’s a completely insane request and you shouldn’t marry her. It won’t make your honeymoon special. It’ll only put pressure on you to make that honeymoon some insane carnal thrillride you have no prayer of fulfilling. Then you’ll get frustrated, and then she’ll get frustrated. And then you’ll have long talks about it. And then you’ll hang yourself with a kiteboarding rope. Oh, and my congratulations on your upcoming wedding. NEXT.
I’ve obtained a bit of a reputation among my friends as a player.
I’m sure you have.
Recently, I’ve become interested in the friend of a friend, and she has indicated she’s interested in me as well. The problem is our mutual friend is very protective of her friends when it comes to men…
Wait. Stop right there. This is a female friend of yours we’re talking about? Who cares? A tip to all you men out there: You do not need female friends. Ever. Unless you plan on having sex with them.
…and if she hasn’t already, she’ll probably issue a warning to this friend.
Then she’s a loser who’s sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. Namely, in the love canal of the girl you want to date.
What’s the best way for me to show I’m not just going to ditch this girl when I get bored of her, to her and her friend?
Stop being her friend. The other girl wouldn’t appreciate you having a girl “friend” anyway.
Also, I love the draft, and always am looking for good sites to follow it on. Where do you guys go for draft news?
-Bobby W.
I never really stray from the big sites when it comes to draft – Kiper on ESPN (except they charge for his shit, so fuck them), Football Outsiders, Florio’s PFT in the spring, etc. But I’m sure real draftniks have better suggestions for you.
Sex: in a drunken stupor I had apparently had relations with a fat, ugly, hideous, and what is technically called a woman.
Then count your blessings, Mr. I’m Too Good For Just Any Vagina.
However, there is one good thing that came from the situation: she cleaned my filthy and disgusting apartment for me (dishes were everywhere, countertops littered with 40 bottles and PBR cans). Is it worth it to continue seeing this cow if she routinely cleans my apartment for me? (This is assuming I get very shithoused to make sure I remember nothing)
Well, let’s see. She’s nice enough to have sex with you and clean your place. Maybe you should stop calling her a “cow” and start calling her “my future wife”. TREAT WOMEN LIKE THE DELICATE FLOWERS THEY ARE, JERKWHEAT.
Fantasy: Who do you think is the best sleeper pick next year?
Ted Ginn.
So, in pretty much every single mailbag you guys have had, there has been at least one person who has complained about his wife/girlfriend/hooker not willing to do anal. I’m only 24, so maybe I’m just young and stupid, but what is so great about anal? I’ve never gotten bored with just sticking it in the cooch. It’s not that I wouldn’t be willing to try it, but I’ve never asked a girl to let me put it in her butt and I’ve never had one offer it, and it hasn’t bothered me. So my question is should I be pursuing it and for what reasons?
The only reason guys are obsessed with anal is so they can say they’ve done it. If you could give two shits about posterity, then I wouldn’t worry about it.
Now OCULAR sex, that’s a whole other story. Nothing quite like that!
KSK,
First the football, with every passing week of the playoffs I find myself cheering more and more for the Arizona Cardinals. Is that so wrong?
No. They’re the underdogs. Cheer away.
Now the sex, my wife will give it up at least once a week so I have nothing to complain about there. But she will only do missionary and that gets pretty boring after a while. Any advice on how I can get a little doggy, or maybe some cowgirl?
James
Ask politely and respectfully. It’s not like your asking for ocular.
My friends at KSK,
When the Giants lost to the turkey-fucker Eagles this past Sunday, I was upset. Not only did it upset me that my football interest for the season was over and that the G-men’s most hated rival had done it, but it also brought out depressing feelings about the rest of my life. I become pissed off at my girlfriend, who is impartial to football and could never understand the true slimmingness of Andy Reid’s black sweat suit.
This led to a harsh and firery end in our long lasting relationship. Now that I have settled down and am ready to watch the Eagles lose another Super Bowl this decade, I realized that I was irrational and I really need my girl (and her body) back in my life. How do I do this without getting on my knees and begging for her??
You can’t. Oh sure, you can beg for her to come back. But then she WILL OWN YOUR SHIT. Find a more stable relationship, and you won’t have to worry about big fights and reconciliations.
And will Plaxico ever play in New York (more like New Jersey) again?
Sincerely,
The gun under Antonio Pierce’s bed
If he skates on the gun charges, yes.
Dear KSK,
I am a newly divorced guy who just had my first post-divorce hookup. Everything went great, but the female in question suffered from VLV (very large vagina).
Is that a medical abbreviation? It looks so much like the word vulva, or Volvo. In fact, let’s make that a new urbandictionary term. VOLVO: very large vagina. “This Volvo is very boxy, but safe!”
She is into me, and wants to continue hooking up. My question… is an (extra-large) bird in the hand worth two in the bush?
I see what you did there. It’s quite simple. Do you ENJOY hooking up with her? Then keep doing it. If not, don’t. These younger guys… always trying to move on up.
FF question: I have yet to start playing, but am a stat geek. Should I even bother getting involved with FF or would this be a reverse pussy-magnet?
your humble servant,
Sketchy
If you’re curious, give it a shot. You could probably look up stats and waiver claims while you’re roller skating around inside your girlfriend’s Volvo.
NOTE: John Bolster at Penthouse did this analysis of the weekend’s games based upon hometown beers. The toughest beer to take on? Natty Boh. It’s the beer you drink when you’re trying to bone your friend’s fiancee!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, ocular sex, the KSK football sex advice mailbag, tim couch lacks values, volvos
January 15th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
What bold answers there, Drew.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Ah, fuck, you went and fixed it, making ME look like the ass.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
A boxy box is never a good thing. If it looks like the roast beef is getting soggy, move along.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Something tells me that Drew either didn’t get enough sex or still hasn’t gotten over the Vikings loss.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Volvo’s are cars for pussies who are afraid of dying and thus must drive 5 mph under the speed limit with all there goddamn safety features only to be T-Boned by a garbage truck which will kill them anyways. Enjoy overpaying for your german safety box. (This statement doubles for VLV).
January 15th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@ The gun under Antonio Pierce’s bed
So you lost hot, steady poon all because you were mad the fucking GIANTS lost a football game, ONE FUCKING YEAR after they won the Superbowl?
You, sir, are a fucking moron.
Let Osi pay you 300 bucks to shit on your chest. You deserve it.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Enjoy overpaying for your german safety box.
Volvo is Swedish. The rest of your argument is spot on.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Do Hooters waitresses go to work in their uniforms? Maybe they change there. Is there a Hooters girl “locker room”? That would be awesome. Or maybe they just come prepared with “overnight bags”.
And Heather Kozar is not just a Playmate, but a Playmate of the Year. That counts for something, right?
January 15th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I would like to institute a new rule. If you are going to call a girl fat and ugly, you have to include a photo of her, because I would like to know what you guys think is fat and ugly.
p.s. Where is my “clare will answer all the questions in the comments” tag? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND I NEED ATTENTION?
January 15th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
You should stop calling her a cow and start calling her your wife
Ah, the low standards a man who was a virgin into his twenties are revealed.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
@Clare: According to the KSK commentors, anything less than a San Diego cheerleader, porn star, or Playmate is considered fat and ugly. That’s a whole lot of turf.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I fully support any decision to introduce Tim Couch as a new KSK (k)haracter
January 15th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Wasn’t Tim Couch fighting some Chicago QB for this woman? I recall something about 2 QBs fighting over some Playmate.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
If ocular sex does not work remember that the ear is like 2 inches away and is equally suited for intercourse. If she starts screaming that’s because her ear drum is ruptured, which is perfectly normal.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
@RBP: If you’re a pro athlete, chances are you’re dating/banging/married to a Playmate. Jeff Garcia, Adam Archuleta, Aaron Boone, etc.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
@RBP – That was the immortal Cade McNown.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@RBP: Cade McNown
January 15th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@ Clare:
I think he means this http://www.faniq.com/images/blog/steelers.jpg
January 15th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Amazingly, she picked the better of the two QBs.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Thanks Jim. That’s who I was forgetting. As far as I can remember, the Fight Over Heather Kozar was the highlight of Couch’s and McNown’s NFL careers.
And Rocco, I know that. I just thought it rare that here were 2 first round draft picks and they couldn’t find more than 1 PMOY to bang.
Hell Hank Baskett landed what’s-her-face-and-tits and no one knew about it.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Now this is something the other tour guides won’t tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a “bitch”. And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or “shiv”, and cut out the bitch’s eyes. And as if this wasn’t enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch’s ocular cavities.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Side note: I recommend the Chicago International Film Festival poster of Heather Kozar.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I’m a chick and I’ve never understood this: “the upcoming 2 months before our wedding will be sex-free in an effort to make our honeymoon more special.”
I don’t know why women think clamping shut for a month or two makes the honeymoon boinking any more special than any other time they’ve done it. As far as I can tell, it’s a power thing, to prove to the guy that she can do without it lots longer than he can, and he’d better never forget that. If I was a dude, that’d be a big blinking neon warning sign.
Plus, if he’s gone without it for two months, how do you think he might handle the friendly strippers at the bachelor party? Hmmm? If you don’t send him to his bachelor party so spent he can barely stay awake through a lapdance, you’re a dummy.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@RBP: good point. Maybe it’s because they were two shitty first round picks.
Kendra Wilkinson is the name you’re looking for. I’ll take Bridget, thank you. Hank Baskett for Kendra and Chriss Angel for Holly? WTF?
January 15th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
@FND, the best thing about that picture is that the “big” fan is wearing a wedding band.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
The niners need a QB, but its the chicken or the egg debate. can the QB perform when he’s getting sacked because of no o-line? and if he IS protected, does it matter if he has no big play reliable receiver(s)? and if you go QB, would there even be one worthy at the 10 spot? probably not.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
“And so I must say, after reading this, that Tim Couch is PHILANDERING SCUMBAG OF THE HIGHEST ORDER AND UNFIT TO RUN FOR SENATE.”
I must say, he’s all too fit to run for Senate.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@Slash:
You forgot the part where the two month freeze out is actually a coming attraction for the upcoming years of frigidity in the marriage.
Also, we were so damn tired after the nonsense of wedding preparations, we slept a lot on our honeymoon. When we weren’t having the crazy honeymoon monkey sex, of course. Elope, people. E-L-O-P-E. Go to Costa Rica or St. Lucia or somewhere fun without families.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@Rocco
Because of your laziness: Chicago International Film Festival poster of Heather Kozar
January 15th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
As far as I can tell, it’s a power thing, to prove to the guy that she can do without it lots longer than he can, and he’d better never forget that.
Those are the words that finally force a man into the forgiving arms of Thai hooker.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Slash, thanks for adding that. Those thoughts always pop through my mind too. Hello, I am going to blackmail you with the one thing you absolutely don’t want to do without so we can show our “love” for each other. To me, chick could be starting her ramp up to psycho bitch. That is a fun thought! Can’t wait to marry her if I was a guy! NOT.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
If you haven’t given it up and want to wait, no problem. If you have and then want to take it back, then you come off as dominating.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
If she asks to go the 2 months before the wedding without sex, you should be allowed to ask to date other women in the 2 months before sex.
Two months of drunken sex with whores will just make your honeymoon sex with your new wife extra special. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!
January 15th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@UU: That’s the thing that makes me want to KILL MYSELF. That girl got someone to MARRY HER, and yet I can’t get a date? Excuse me while I pour myself a tall cool Drano and ginger ale.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I am a newly divorced guy who just had my first post-divorce hookup. Everything went great, but the female in question suffered from VLV (very large vagina).
So Rocco’s new name is “Sketchy” ?
January 15th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
@Clare, well I’m a happily married man so I’m out but I’m sure there are some fine upstanding single men here at KSK that might be interested.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Then you piss into the bitches ocular cavity.
/Vicky
January 15th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I’m sure there are some fine upstanding single men here at KSK that might be interested.
Bartender, scotch and a Roofie colada for the lady!
January 15th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Oh, and to follow up on my usual MO:
Blue Ballin: I can understand maybe a week of no sex before the wedding, but two months? That’s hateful.
Bobby W.: Can I get a flowchart of the relationships in your question? I’m a visual learner, and you use too many pronouns.
DB: If only there were more dudes in the world like you.
James: Have you ever thought about just…putting her in the position you want her in? I don’t know what the other ladies have to say about that (paging Katni and FMRA), but I always think it’s pretty hot to be flipped over or thrown around.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
@rusrus: Thanks. Wasn’t too keen on getting to the page while at work.
Women: What’s with the losing interest in sex after marriage thing? Engagement, good. Wedding night, good. Honeymoon, good. First few months, good. After that, nothing. Explain yourselves.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
@devang: No, I am not Sketchy now, thank you. Ha Ha.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
@ Natrone Means Business:
Aural Sex?
January 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
“I always think it’s pretty hot to be flipped over or thrown around.”
Maybe that explains David Carr.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
to mr. should i keep fucking this cow, if you were some great prize yourself you’d be fucking good looking (at least decently cute chicks) drunk or not. think about that.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
@Wide Right: I prefer the other oral sex.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Obese girls that clean up random men’s houses in exchange for sex are called Ecuadorian cleaning ladies.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I must say, he’s all too fit to run for Senate.
Seriously. He’s running as a Republican, right? Sen. Larry Craig (R-Men’s Room) and Sen. David Vitter (R-Prostitutes and Pampers) would welcome him with open flies.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Women: What’s with the losing interest in sex after marriage thing?
Sorry, but I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this. I imagine marriage is kinda like dying – you can’t possibly know what it’s like on the other side unless you’ve actually done it.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
It was nice of you guys to do a special sex mailbag for retards this week. Is the regular one coming back next week?
January 15th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Whoa, whoa, whoa… when did you start writing the sex-bag in the Peter King/FJM style?
January 15th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
RE Rocco Says:
“Women: What’s with the losing interest in sex after marriage thing? Engagement, good. Wedding night, good. Honeymoon, good. First few months, good. After that, nothing. Explain yourselves.”
Never married, so I don’t really get it either. I could offer really obvious guesses, like she just wanted to get married and offered sex to hook a husband, or make that joke about why is the bride always smiling in the wedding picture, etc., but honestly don’t know. Familiarity breeds contempt? Women get tired of screwing the same person all the time just like men do? Dunno.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
To the cow fucker,
Try not living like a goddamn slob and you may attract a class of women more suitable to your liking. If you have so little respect for your property, I’m willing to bet that you it’s part of a larger persona of dressing like a hobo, not shaving, not wearing cologne, not lifting weights or working out, etc. The shitty beer that you drink is also another give away. Focus on self-improvement and you’ll project a better image and hopefully upgrade the quality of your trim.
Also, had you added a sentence about fucking her while watching Teen Wolf, you probably could have made Simmons’s mailbag as well.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
my main question here (see mailbag above – Blue Ballin) was not that i care too much about having to take care of my own shit for two months leading up to the wedding. it was this – if i’m not going to be getting any sexy time, how can i take advantage of the oral pleasures that have been abandoned (for the most part) because of all the sexy time over the past few years? basically, now that there’s no sex, is there a way i can get a shitload of head in the next two months before it goes away again? there was no ban on other things, so give my lady a little break. i just want to get head without asking for it like an asshole, and i was asking for suggestions…
January 15th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Blue Ballin Says: i just want to get head without asking for it like an asshole, and i was asking for suggestions…
Well, ask her about entrance to the asshole… therefore she’d still be in “technical vaginal shutdown”
January 15th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
okay i know i’ve never been married either, but i dated someone for almost 5 years and the sex never died down. am i the only girl who wants it on a regular basis?? this makes me feel kind of whore-ish, but i’m oddly okay with it.
and yeah, i can’t condone marrying any woman who doesn’t want to have sex for 2 months. that’s… outrageous. and i agree, a total control issue. aka DON’T DO IT.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@Blue Ballin,
There’s a substantial probability that the other readers are right and that your wife is a domineering bitch. My advice is to shift the burden onto her. Why don’t you initiate and start by going down on her, and when she is getting close to climaxing, slow down and ask her what she wants you to do. Ideally, she will be so turned on that she will tell you to stick it in her and you’ve broken the embargo. If she tells you to finish her orally, then she owes you the return head. If the head is not reciprocated, then heed advice of the readers who told you she’s about to go full blown crazy.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
btw if you’re marrying this person, you should feel comfortable enough with her just to ask for it.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@BB: the question I’d have is whether this was a decision reached by the both of you or if this is something she is laying down as law by herself.
If it’s a joint decision, then you made your choices and now must suffer.
If it’s her decision, then that’s a warning sign. That means she is establishing control over the sex in the relationship (by extension any sex YOU will be having for the next 40-60 years).
January 15th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
2 month shut down, BB, means you will NEVER get head again. It’s the gift she’s getting you for your wedding: NO HEAD, EVER, AGAIN.
Hope that comes in your size.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Blue Ballin – I think the point that the commenters are making is that the no sex thing is a power play on her part. You will not be able to get anything unless you ask/beg for it. Which, if she is the kind of girl who doesn’t realize you have needs too, means you are screwed once you get married and have 2 kids running around. You won’t be allowed to jack off when she is in the house by then.
/me speaks from experience.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@ Natalie
Whore-ish is HOT
Whore is not
January 15th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
@Blue Ballin: Orange Julius Page is a wise man, heed his advice. As a married man, my wife never pulled that shit on me before the wedding and honeymoon sex was still outstanding. So this is a control move plain and simple. If she’s able to get away with this, then she’ll start slowly pulling back on everything until you’re just having missionary sex on your birthday and anniversary.
@Slash: I like the way you think (If you don’t send him to his bachelor party so spent he can barely stay awake through a lapdance, you’re a dummy). Too bad more women don’t realize that’s exactly the way to keep their men faithful.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
as much as it pains me to say, i agreed to it with a clear mind like 5 months ago thinking it wouldn’t be the worst. now that the drought is about to go into effect, i guess i’m panicking and it kinda seems like the worst. she’s a good lady. i’ll just have to play dirty and try and persuade her to “break the embargo” as OJP stated…
/goes to the liquor store and buys 15 bottles of wine
/goes to jewelry store, buys diamond necklace
/ignores pretty much everything he’s read on the KSK mailbag
January 15th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@ smurphette – yes, the otherside – just stay away from the light – do not walk towards the light!! But at least death ends the pain – marriage only continues it….
January 15th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
@BB: Sorry bro, but face it: You’re fucked. She may be a “good lady”, but your first two slashies sums it up. You’ll either be paying for sex with you wife by buying dinner, or flowers, or jewelry, or shoes, or you’ll be miserable until you wake up and get divorced.
/Me also speaks from experience.
//Did not see it coming however. I married a whore after all.
//Yes I blew right through that stop sign.
////But she said she didn’t want to be that girl anymore!
January 15th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
One of these days someone will post a truthful question. Who knew there were so many players in blogfrica?
And to think we almost went a whole mailbag without someone asking about butt sex.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
@El Duke: last week my question was 100% legit. I’m hurt you would think otherwise.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@El Duke: my question was…somewhat….nah, who am I kidding? I made that shite up!
January 15th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
@clare
i think your first post is backwards.i would much rather see the pics posted of when they pound a girl they call hot.id like to see some of what they think is hot! so i can compare it to how my ex girlfriend is hotter than the girl they nailed,and then think about how she’s my ex girlfriend,and then text her and tell her i miss her,and then get angry,and then…..(starts sobbing)
January 15th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I’m not saying making up questions is inherently wrong, just make them funny.
And @rocco
Our local paper is trying to think up names for the wayward bottlenose dolphin that traveled up the river into our town. What was your ex-wife’s name again?
Wait, we’re still doing rocco’s ex-wife jokes right? Or am I behind the times?
January 15th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
as a married person, i think that relationships are – at heart – a series of compromises. so she doesn’t want to have sex for a couple of months – your dick is not going to fall off, everything will be fine. compromise.
do you think mrs. pax (and myself for that matter) ever dreamed dreamed of moving to the set of the movie “Traffic”? no. jobs, responsibilities, compromise.
OF COURSE there are going to be power plays in any relationship. the important thing is to place these skirmishes into the broader context of the state of your state. the whole scenario is just a tempest in a teapot.
@Rocco
sex probably dies after mariage because responsibilities begin to accumulate. once a couple is married, they are no longer two free agents – they’re a team, a business. and every business that grows has overhead, payroll, insurance, maintenance, investor relations, etc. etc. if you fail, you’re not just fucking up yourself – your letting down people who depend on you. being a good spouse is definitely rewarding, but not very sexy at all.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
“A tip to all you men out there: You do not need female friends. Ever. Unless you plan on having sex with them. ”
So true!
Also, Blue Ballin should dump that chick of his
January 15th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
RE Blue Ballin Says:
“as much as it pains me to say, i agreed to it with a clear mind like 5 months ago thinking it wouldn’t be the worst. now that the drought is about to go into effect, i guess i’m panicking and it kinda seems like the worst. she’s a good lady.”
Didn’t mean to imply your fiancee is a horrible person, I just don’t understand the concept. I suspect she got it from some stupid friend of hers or some chick show/flick. I think the logic (?) goes that it’s supposed to be romantic, that you’ll be so hot for each other after no sex for two months you’ll spend your entire honeymoon in bed or whatever… seems to me if you can persuade her to do oral instead of intercourse, she may as well just drop the stupid “no sex” thing and put out as usual. I gotta wonder how much more “special” a honeymoon could possibly be, seeing as it’s probably the most expensive vacation most people will ever go on and comes with a special honeymoon suite and extra buttkissing from hotel personnel, etc.
This “no sex before the honeymoon” idea sounds like some horrible idea that one woman came up with and all the other ones go along with it because they want to fit in. Many women are very conformist and will go along with a shitty idea just because they’re afraid to disagree with all the other women.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
@Slash
Okay, this is like the third or fourth time, from three or four different sources, that I’ve heard of engaged women withholding sex for EXACTLY two months prior their wedding night.
What do you wanna bet that fucking Cosmo is responsible for this?
January 15th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
RE GoesTo11 Says:
“Okay, this is like the third or fourth time, from three or four different sources, that I’ve heard of engaged women withholding sex for EXACTLY two months prior their wedding night. What do you wanna bet that fucking Cosmo is responsible for this?”
I haven’t heard EXACTLY two months, but then, I don’t hang with a lot of engaged chicks. I have no idea if Cosmo is responsible, but sure, let’s blame withered old Helen Gurley Brown, she needs to answer for something. I seriously don’t know where this came from or even how long it’s been going on. Sounds post-Sexual Revolution to me. Maybe it’s some women’s way of trying to “revirginize” themselves before their wedding, as if to justify the white dress. Like the chick in “Clerks” thinking dicksucking doesn’t really count as sex, maybe some women think that not having sex for months before your wedding makes you almost a virgin, or virgin-like. *shrug* It makes no sense, maybe that’s why I can’t figure it out.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
@El Duke: Do I have to prove this on Flickr? You’re giving me a complex damn it.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
@Slash
I don’t have a lot of married/engaged friends either…But the thing that struck me was I’ve heard of this several times in the last WEEK or two.
I know a diabolical trend when I see one.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Oh, and I agree with the posters who say that this is a “control” stunt and a harbinger of worse to come.
RUN.
AWAY.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
@El Duke: Come on bro, you’re gonna give me a complex. Do I have to put up the Flickr link?
January 15th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
A huge second to the guy who asked what the big deal is about the backdoor. I don’t get it either. Maybe it’s for the sickos who enjoy watching their women writhe in pain while they pleasure themselves.
And BTW, while we’re on men’s turn-ons/turn-offs, I do not understand the big resistance to going down on a woman. It drives her wild, and it’s not THAT bad. Just pretend it’s cod-flavored jello.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
@StuScottBooyahs
“cod-flavored Jell-o”
Thanks. I actually rather enjoyed “going south” on the gf. Until now.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
There has to be a way to profit from the two months of abstinence … what is the busiest month of the year for weddings, June?
/buys hooker futures for April & May
//spends earned money on more hookers
January 15th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
And @rocco
Our local paper is trying to think up names for the wayward bottlenose dolphin that traveled up the river into our town. What was your ex-wife’s name again?
El Duke – Fucking hilarious !!
January 15th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Ocular sex + mouth-eyes = ???
January 15th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
“Anal” just sounds cooler.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
@CuseDenny: Come on man, you too?
January 15th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
she’s not so bad, rocco. you just put yourself in this situation when you chose that first picture last week.
and maybe her sea mammal features are just more prevalent when she’s near her natural oceanic habitat?
January 15th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
That, or maybe she’s just that ugly with no makeup but I was blinded by love.
/No such thing as love.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
To the people who don’t get what’s so great about anal, from a guy who has done it once and wants to again:
You are at least partially right that guys like it just to say that you have, or because the girl probably doesn’t really enjoy it. The two sort of combine to form the “because it’s degrading to her” reason. I have to say that enjoy seeing it in porn for that reason: “her parents must be proud that fucking on camera isn’t enough; she has to take it in the ass on camera.”
However, my only personal experience was with a girl who told me that she prefers anal over vaginal, and I had been curious, and I was pleased. Simply: it’s a tighter hole, and really feels more like what I do when abusing myself.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
@StuScott: never had a problem except when its stubbly or unshaved down there. The first can be fixed. For the second reason, I’ve had a gf that I never wandered anywhere near there for that reason. Is that just wrong? it seems reasonable.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Rocco:
Geez. I missed last week’s column and just caught up. Hey, for an arena football cheerleader in Buffalo…uh…well…she has great tits.
If you are having trouble finding a girl as hot as her, you need to leave Buffalo. I would tell you to be less superficial, but I am a superficial asshole myself.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
@CuseDenny: Come on man, you too?
Rocco – Its like godsavethenewb stated above. The first picture you posted of her wasnt a good one. Maybe its like the episode on Seinfeld (The Strike) when Jerry’s date looks good in a certain light, and looks hideous in a different light.
FTR – I did view the pics you posted on the flickr link above. She looks MUCH better in these pics !!
January 15th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
@ Rocco – Since you arent married to (Natalie ??) anymore, its time to get over her. The best and only way to do that is to post all the naked pics you have of her.
We are all waiting …. !!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:02 am
@Rocco:
Now I feel bad for piling on, but understand that we are answering your original question: “How do I go from such a hot piece of ass to something else?”
The answer: realize that she is not such a hot piece of ass. If you can’t get it up for an attractive girl because you feel like she is a huge step backwards from her, as CuseDenny said, you need to get over her.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:48 am
@Blue Ballin:
You’ve received alot of excellent advice in this thread from people who have years of wisdom behind them. If you choose to go ahead and marry her anyway, you have no one but yourself to blame for the next 60 years of misery and manipulation. Enjoy.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:53 am
Oh, and for what it’s worth, the first time I heard about some chick forcing her future husband to be celibate before the honeymoon (only a month, in that case) was in 1989. So this concept has been around for awhile.
My girlfriend at the time said, “don’t you think that’s SO romantic?!?” Yeah, she wasn’t my girlfriend for much longer.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:51 am
The mailbag always makes me weep a little inside, it’s full of tales about people who are not me having sex.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Give me a few days to transfer the video and/or capture some stills.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:33 am
@Dieter: Whoa. No one said anything about not getting it up.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Rocco, how’s the Buffalo temp. today? Freakin’ -20 here this morning. Post photos etc. at your own risk! But you know that, you have had people on your shit since last mailbag.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:55 am
@Boatdrinks: I think the temperature display in my Jeep doesn’t go into the negatives. It was sitting on zero. Wind chill of -20.
And yes, I do know that. I expected it. The butterface stuff surprised me a bit. That was not the right pic to send.
So, moral of the story is: Buffalo is cold as shit and has ugly chicks. Such is life.
/Still beats living in the shithole that is NYC.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Yea I am with you. Cold air from Canada smells better than that crap up out of the subways.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:33 am
“if you are marrying this person, you should be comfortable enough to just ask for it”
Really? Are you a girl? Have you ever met a girl? You think guys can just ask for head and get it? Any time? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha….sigh.
@all the advice givers
i have to say it wasn’t cosmo – it was the catholic church! in our “pre cana” they basically acknowledged/accused (in so many words) that every couple in the room was living together and having sinful sex. their advice to all of us was that we should set ourselves up so that when we actually get married, things should change drastically so that it actually felt like we “took the next step” – something to look forward to (again). The thinking being that this would strengthen the marriage, etc…
so basically that’s why I agreed. Its not a power play by my lady, and I’m not worried about it. Its just good old fashioned catholic guilt!
All you marriage haters out there got it wrong…
January 16th, 2009 at 10:33 am
sorry, that first comment was @natalie
January 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am
For you Buffalo haters: Buffalo Did You Know.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:00 am
RE Blue Ballin Says:
“so basically that’s why I agreed. Its not a power play by my lady, and I’m not worried about it. Its just good old fashioned catholic guilt!”
That should have been my second guess. Apparently, the Catholic Church is fucked up in ways my inadequate imagination can’t fathom.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:02 am
@Blue Ballin: Well there’s your problem right there: listening to the church.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:04 am
@Blue Ballin: Just trying to help. I was warned myself not to get married. I didn’t believe the guys. I thought they were just fucking with me.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
How is banging a Hooters girl a big deal? I’ve done two and I’ve been fucking broke since 1999.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
@ Blue Ballin:
Really? Are you a girl? Have you ever met a girl? You think guys can just ask for head and get it? Any time? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha….sigh.
It really all depends on the girl. Girls who are confident in their skill like to exercise them. I was once fortunate enough to live with a girl who wanted to go down on me so often, it got to the point where she would literally ask for permission. My advice would be to make her genuinely feel like she gives the best head on the planet, and you’ll find that she’s a lot more enthusiastic about it.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
@Zack
I call bullshit.
January 16th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@ Blue Ballin:
Why bullshit? It’s not like I claimed my ex was a Victoria’s Secret model or anything. I never even said she was particularly good at it. She just happened to think she was (in truth, she was just average). It’s just simple human nature to want to do the things we think we’re good at. Tiger Woods thinks he’s pretty good at golf, that’s why he spends all day playing golf. George W. Bush thought he was good at presidentin’; that’s why he ran for a second term. Have you ever been stuck in a room with a bunch of musical theater students? They’ll sing at you until your ears bleed. And girls who think they’re really, really good at sucking dick will get out there and find a dick to suck. Okay, I know that might not be the most wonderful image in the world to associate with your wife-to-be, but the simple fact is that if she’s confident about her ability to do something well, she’ll enjoy doing it a lot more. Good luck.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
In Re: Ladies who want to not have sex so that wedding night is more ’special.’
On the wedding night, unless you are boring and have boring and sucky friends, you will be a little bit drunk, and a lot motherfucking exhausted. You will fuck because you are supposed to fuck. You will hopefully have your first married honesty moment, where you gaze soufully into each others eyes (which are maybe at half-mast) and simultaneously sigh “Well, let’s go ahead and do this.” This applies NO MATTER how sexed up you were before, or HOW GREAT your sex life will be afterwards (hint: probably not too good, you cumstain).
This is universally true. It’s science. You can’t fuck with it.
Because of this, withholding sex for a night that likely is not going to be that great at all is a COLOSSALLY FUCKING RETARDED IDEA. Don’t do it.
- Another PSA from your Jewish Homeboy Hyman.
January 17th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
@Hyman: Way wrong. Couldn’t be further from the truth.