Before we get to your questions for the week, I wanted to quickly point out this most excellent story about Tim Couch from the comments yesterday. In case you missed it, commenter “…and you stay classy, lexington” wrote in to say…
Here’s a quality Tim Couch story. Some friends and I went to a strip club with Tim. He told us about the time he brought home a Hooters girl and banged her in his marital bed. The next day, Mrs. Couch is making the bed and finds the full Hooters girl outfit—sexy orange shorts, tank top—in the sheets. She immediately confronts Tim. Tim, showing much more awareness and ingenuity than he ever did while under pressure in the pocket, said, “Oh yeah, babe, I thought we could try some role-playing.” In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees INTO it. She puts on the outfit, and Tim bangs her in the same bed.
Since this story was published on the internet by an anonymous person, I think I feel comfortable saying THIS STORY IS 100% TRUE DOWN TO THE LAST DETAIL. I’m the sort of person who believes everything I read about people, because it helps me swiftly judge them, without giving them a chance to defend themselves. And so I must say, after reading this, that Tim Couch is PHILANDERING SCUMBAG OF THE HIGHEST ORDER AND UNFIT TO RUN FOR SENATE.
Some questions remain from this story, though. First of all, why would the Hooters girl leave her uniform in the bed? Did she have other clothes she brought with her? Did she stagger home nude? Wouldn’t Hooters have charged her for losing her outfit? I’ve seen Hooters waitresses. They’d chain themselves to a moving semi if it meant saving a buck. And wouldn’t the sleazy Hooters manager have punished her for losing the outfit by sodomizing her with a bowling pin? There’s no way she would have just left it there.
However, I totally believe the idea of Heather Kozar buying Tim’s excuse for the outfit being there. She’s a Playmate. I can’t imagine it’s too hard to pull the wool over her eyes.
“No, baby. I bought that outfit for you.”
“No, baby. That’s not lipstick from another woman on my collar. That’s Perry Ellis’ signature collar design. He uses real lipstick on every shirt.”
“No, baby. I’m not having a threesome right now. This is just for a class.”
“No, baby. That’s not my baby momma. That’s our surrogate. THAT’S WHY WE HAVE TO BUY HER AN APARTMENT.”
I bet she’s had at least one Scientology audit in her lifetime.
Anyway, onto your questions. Wanna be part of the KSK football/sex advice mailbag next week? Email us here. As always, you must include one question about football (fantasy or otherwise), and one question about sex. Points for brevity, sincerity, and any questions that don’t require me to look up Fordyce’s on Wikipedia. GAH! Let’s muff dive in.
It seems that recently all the hot chicks I’ve been meeting are engaged.
It’s called Utah, and you shouldn’t be living there.
Normally, I’m of the mind that I don’t go after chicks who are hooked up (unless they’re tremendously slutty and throwing it at me. In which case, then what the hell was the guy doing getting together with that kind of girl?).
Normally, I don’t fuck other guy’s girlfriends, unless they allow me to fuck them.
But since I’ve been on a long and dry spell, I’m thinking of bypassing this rule for a cute blonde who I know is engaged. Now, I’ve met her fiance and he’s a cool dude.
Probably not THAT cool. “Bang my wife? Why, that’s a jim dandy idea!”
Should I go through with it?
And if so, what’s the best way?
How the fuck should I know? Who do you think I am, TIM COUCH?
Or should I just continue surfing the Net for porn and plan on hooking up at their wedding?
Works for me. Let’s just go to your football inquiry.
As for football, here’s a simple question: I suck at fantasy football. Convince me to give it another try.
Don’t give it another try. Don’t you understand you’ve given yourself a gift by leaving? Why would you want to come back to the world of fantasy ball, where your dreams are continually crushed every year because FUCKING DEANGELO WILLIAMS DECIDED TO START PLAYING WELL THE ONE GODDAMN SEASON YOU DIDN’T OWN HIM? FUCKING FUCK!
Next letter, please…
Football: As a long-time Niners fan, I feel like what they have been missing since Jerry and T.O. left was a dominant WR.
And a quarterback.
My question is, do they have a more pressing need?
I know they could use a pass rusher or an interior o-line guy…
Or a quarterback.
…but a guy like Michael Crabtree seems to be exactly what they need right now.
If they had a quarterback.
And if he doesn’t fall to San Fran’s spot, is there any other big WR they should take off the board?
Yes, if he plays quarterback.
Sex: My fiancee and I agreed, and by that i mean she declared, that the upcoming 2 months before our wedding will be sex-free in an effort to make our honeymoon more special. Seeing as I’m going to have to go along with this no sex rule, how can I deftly take advantage of this situation to get a lot of head without coming off like a douche?
That’s a completely insane request and you shouldn’t marry her. It won’t make your honeymoon special. It’ll only put pressure on you to make that honeymoon some insane carnal thrillride you have no prayer of fulfilling. Then you’ll get frustrated, and then she’ll get frustrated. And then you’ll have long talks about it. And then you’ll hang yourself with a kiteboarding rope. Oh, and my congratulations on your upcoming wedding. NEXT.
I’ve obtained a bit of a reputation among my friends as a player.
I’m sure you have.
Recently, I’ve become interested in the friend of a friend, and she has indicated she’s interested in me as well. The problem is our mutual friend is very protective of her friends when it comes to men…
Wait. Stop right there. This is a female friend of yours we’re talking about? Who cares? A tip to all you men out there: You do not need female friends. Ever. Unless you plan on having sex with them.
…and if she hasn’t already, she’ll probably issue a warning to this friend.
Then she’s a loser who’s sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. Namely, in the love canal of the girl you want to date.
What’s the best way for me to show I’m not just going to ditch this girl when I get bored of her, to her and her friend?
Stop being her friend. The other girl wouldn’t appreciate you having a girl “friend” anyway.
Also, I love the draft, and always am looking for good sites to follow it on. Where do you guys go for draft news?
I never really stray from the big sites when it comes to draft – Kiper on ESPN (except they charge for his shit, so fuck them), Football Outsiders, Florio’s PFT in the spring, etc. But I’m sure real draftniks have better suggestions for you.
Sex: in a drunken stupor I had apparently had relations with a fat, ugly, hideous, and what is technically called a woman.
Then count your blessings, Mr. I’m Too Good For Just Any Vagina.
However, there is one good thing that came from the situation: she cleaned my filthy and disgusting apartment for me (dishes were everywhere, countertops littered with 40 bottles and PBR cans). Is it worth it to continue seeing this cow if she routinely cleans my apartment for me? (This is assuming I get very shithoused to make sure I remember nothing)
Well, let’s see. She’s nice enough to have sex with you and clean your place. Maybe you should stop calling her a “cow” and start calling her “my future wife”. TREAT WOMEN LIKE THE DELICATE FLOWERS THEY ARE, JERKWHEAT.
Fantasy: Who do you think is the best sleeper pick next year?
So, in pretty much every single mailbag you guys have had, there has been at least one person who has complained about his wife/girlfriend/hooker not willing to do anal. I’m only 24, so maybe I’m just young and stupid, but what is so great about anal? I’ve never gotten bored with just sticking it in the cooch. It’s not that I wouldn’t be willing to try it, but I’ve never asked a girl to let me put it in her butt and I’ve never had one offer it, and it hasn’t bothered me. So my question is should I be pursuing it and for what reasons?
The only reason guys are obsessed with anal is so they can say they’ve done it. If you could give two shits about posterity, then I wouldn’t worry about it.
Now OCULAR sex, that’s a whole other story. Nothing quite like that!
First the football, with every passing week of the playoffs I find myself cheering more and more for the Arizona Cardinals. Is that so wrong?
No. They’re the underdogs. Cheer away.
Now the sex, my wife will give it up at least once a week so I have nothing to complain about there. But she will only do missionary and that gets pretty boring after a while. Any advice on how I can get a little doggy, or maybe some cowgirl?
Ask politely and respectfully. It’s not like your asking for ocular.
My friends at KSK,
When the Giants lost to the turkey-fucker Eagles this past Sunday, I was upset. Not only did it upset me that my football interest for the season was over and that the G-men’s most hated rival had done it, but it also brought out depressing feelings about the rest of my life. I become pissed off at my girlfriend, who is impartial to football and could never understand the true slimmingness of Andy Reid’s black sweat suit.
This led to a harsh and firery end in our long lasting relationship. Now that I have settled down and am ready to watch the Eagles lose another Super Bowl this decade, I realized that I was irrational and I really need my girl (and her body) back in my life. How do I do this without getting on my knees and begging for her??
You can’t. Oh sure, you can beg for her to come back. But then she WILL OWN YOUR SHIT. Find a more stable relationship, and you won’t have to worry about big fights and reconciliations.
And will Plaxico ever play in New York (more like New Jersey) again?
The gun under Antonio Pierce’s bed
If he skates on the gun charges, yes.
I am a newly divorced guy who just had my first post-divorce hookup. Everything went great, but the female in question suffered from VLV (very large vagina).
Is that a medical abbreviation? It looks so much like the word vulva, or Volvo. In fact, let’s make that a new urbandictionary term. VOLVO: very large vagina. “This Volvo is very boxy, but safe!”
She is into me, and wants to continue hooking up. My question… is an (extra-large) bird in the hand worth two in the bush?
I see what you did there. It’s quite simple. Do you ENJOY hooking up with her? Then keep doing it. If not, don’t. These younger guys… always trying to move on up.
FF question: I have yet to start playing, but am a stat geek. Should I even bother getting involved with FF or would this be a reverse pussy-magnet?
your humble servant,
If you’re curious, give it a shot. You could probably look up stats and waiver claims while you’re roller skating around inside your girlfriend’s Volvo.
NOTE: John Bolster at Penthouse did this analysis of the weekend’s games based upon hometown beers. The toughest beer to take on? Natty Boh. It’s the beer you drink when you’re trying to bone your friend’s fiancee!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.